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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

383 replies

sooopersatsuma · 06/03/2020 13:20

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

OP posts:
WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 06/03/2020 15:25

If you can't accept that part of his culture then don't marry him.

Tbh I'd roll with it, as it sounds like great fun. Then have an intimate blessing or naming ceremony later on.

Franticbutterfly · 06/03/2020 15:28

I'd have one in the uk in a church, then one in India.

alloutoffucks · 06/03/2020 15:30

I think ultimately it is about what a marriage means. This does vary in different cultures. When you agree to marry someone from a different culture to you, you may have different ideas of what a marriage actually is.

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/03/2020 15:32

An Indian wedding isn’t about the couple getting married it’s about the families. I am Indian and if you’re in the UK you can ask your family to pay for a registry / reception (most UK born Indians do this - it’s the equivalent of a traditional white wedding plus wedding breakfast) but unless you want to seriously piss your in laws off you shouldn’t stand in the way of the cultural element. In many ways if you aren’t the same religion / culture then the Indian wedding is the only way you will properly be accepted.

Genevieva · 06/03/2020 15:33

Inter-cultural relationships always require accommodations on both sides. Transparency about what is normal and what each side holds most dear and would find most difficult to adjust to is the best way forward.

For what it is worth, my mother was always heavily involved in the church in the traditional rural community where I was brought up. Getting married anywhere else would have been incomprehensible to her. As far as she was concerned, as mother of the bride, she and my father were hosting their daughters' weddings. A wedding in India instead of here would not have been an option that she could have got her head around. Your husband's family may be similar to this, so you need to traverse this delicately - making sure you are true to yourself while also not forgetting their needs.

Ninkanink · 06/03/2020 15:34

I really would just plan a small wedding here (have it first, so it’s the official wedding, and also to help you feel that your wishes have been met too), and then just consider the Indian wedding as a huge party/celebration which is thrown for you by your ILs.

missmouse101 · 06/03/2020 15:38

It may be their culture but it's your marriage. It HAS to be about what you and your partner want. I definitely would not do this.

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/03/2020 15:39

** £200k.....

Not buying it sorry...……**

My parents spent £50k on my wedding ten years ago. It was only this cheap because the expensive part was done in India and we’re Gujarati so we tend to spend more on various events after the wedding.

My panjabi friend had 300k spent on her wedding - she had a 10k dress, bottles of blue label were given to the male guests and laurent perrier to the females, every table had a sweet counter, there were champagne and chocolate fountains, and I believe the groom wore a garland full of £50 notes.

alloutoffucks · 06/03/2020 15:41

@missmouse101 But what you are not understanding is that in some cultures a marriage is not just about the couple. And OPs DP wants this too, nit just his parents.

ineedaholidaynow · 06/03/2020 15:48

It's an obscene amount of money to be spent on a party.

If they don't have much money and he is the only or eldest son they will be looking towards you to helping them out when they are older, as that is the culture too. So if they would be shamed if they didn't have a huge lavish wedding for their son, they would also be shamed if not looked after in older age

missmouse101 · 06/03/2020 15:52

I must admit I hadn't RTFT. I did wonder if he wanted it too. But why does his culture trump hers? Surely it's just as relevant that she is from a culture that does not do this? I think it's very risky to have the wedding your parents or in-laws want. It's not about them. Times are changing.

NoineNoine · 06/03/2020 15:52

Also, elephants at a wedding are generally temple elephants. They're treated very well, like a beloved cat or dog in the west. Please stop using the Animal Abuse racist argument. And no, I didn't have them in my wedding, because we could not afford them. They charge a pretty penny so the elephant gets a lovely day out, and the weeks food is paid by the family - including a lot of treats like sugarcane.

oohnicevase · 06/03/2020 15:52

I wouldn't marry him , the culture is so different and there will be more of this to come surely ??

LoveFameTragedy · 06/03/2020 15:53

This would be a potential downside of marrying into a different culture. I would worry if you find it difficult to embrace this. Surely you can have an additional celebration here to address that need?

halfsoaked · 06/03/2020 15:56

It is extremely unreasonable to have elephants, I hope that's a joke in bad taste and not a serious comment.

monkeymonkey2010 · 06/03/2020 15:57

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers

This is a 'man' is it? Who 'loves' you? Who 'respects' you?
He's showing you plain as day that HIS family traditions/culture trump YOURS.
This is supposed to be YOUR wedding, as in you are both meant to be marrying EACH OTHER.....yet he's choosing to make it all about his mother!

in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom
Coming from the same background as him, i can categorically tell you that he's talking shite.
Nowadays, NOBODY spends that amount of money on a wedding unless they are made of money.
For mixed-marriages it's normal to have two ceremonies - my sister had an 'english' style wedding with registrar in attendance to make it legal under UK law, and then let my parents have an 'asian' wedding ceremony so it was legal under their religious law as well.
If you/he can't insist on equality re your own wedding ceremonies NOW - what do you think your chances are of being treated equally once 'married'?

Is he the only son/child by any chance?
If so....you're in for a hell of a life marrying him.
Sounds like he's still tied to the apron strings.

He sounds like the kind of guy who seeks 'western' women because he enjoys the 'freedom' that it brings, as in no sneaking around etc as he would have to with an indian woman, you can stay over and have sex - whereas that would be very different with an indian woman.

Once married...he WILL expect you to start morphing into his mothers idea of a 'dutiful and obedient' daughter-in-law.

Then the next fresh hell will start when you have babies - MIL will EXPECT to be a big part of that.....and do expect to have that £200k spent on you to be thrown in your face at every opportunity, especially when you try to set boundaries against their interfering and pushiness.

Have you decided how you're going to bring up your kids? I.e, religion, diet, traditions etc?
Cos already it's all about him and his culture - you don't have a say in your own wedding, apparently it's not even about you!

Seriously woman - give your head a wobble.

alloutoffucks · 06/03/2020 15:58

@missmouse101 You should never marry into a different culture unless you spend a lot of time beforehand talking about all areas of possible disagreement and agreement from each side of what is important to them and what they will compromise on.

monkeymonkey2010 · 06/03/2020 15:59

where's his respect for YOUR culture, traditions and family in all this?
There is none.

Original poster
sooopersatsuma · 06/03/2020 16:00

Thank you so much to everyone who has contributed. Some comments have made me laugh, thank you for your humour. The idea of the massive wedding is growing on me slightly, and I think I may have to accept it and look forward to it. It is very important for his family.

I have read every message and it is growing on me the idea of having two. I think I will veto the elephants, many have made excellent points I don't want animal cruelty anywhere near my wedding.

Many people have raised concerns regarding DPs relationship with me and his mother, but this is not something I am worried about. Its very hard to convey complexities of relationships on mumsnet.

His mother is also not overbearing, she is very enthusiastic but gentle and loving. I am very family orientated so wouldn't mind a very involved family, we would live in a different country and she understands boundaries. We would not be expected to look after them in their old age.

An Indian wedding sounds fabulous, but also from a point of view of it not being mine!

There are multiple parts to Indian weddings, with some ceremies being smaller and more personal with just close family and friends so DP suggested I organize one ceremony which is just the way I want it and everyone is happy. I'm not sure if a small ceremony before such a massive party would still feel special or if it would be overshadowed by whats to come.

I am Scottish and have always dreamed of a Scottish wedding. I am happy to embrace elements of the Indian culture but it was never the plan for my wedding to be in India with 3000 people.

I definitely need to talk to DP and discuss. I'm just really not sure what a happy compromise is.

OP posts:
alloutoffucks · 06/03/2020 16:02

If I am honest I think few couples from very different cultures should marry. Because it is rare that both people in a couple are prepared to do the necessary talking and compromise to make this work.
And love does not trump everything. A common belief in young people here.

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2020 16:03

We live in the UK and we would not be expected to move in with them etc, they are a really wonderful and supportive family. Cultural differences should be celebrated and an extravagant wedding is not a deal breaker. I know I love this man so much and want to marry him.

How are cultural differences being 'celebrated' here?

If your future MIL gets her way, your wedding will have no cultural differences at all in her eyes. It'll be all about her and all about her culture.

How long have you been with your husband to be?

Twillow · 06/03/2020 16:04

It's fine. It will bring them happiness and fulfill all their dreams. Have your Scottish wedding too, in England. No problem. You have taken this thread in a great spirit, despite the closet racism rearing its head.

TheMustressMhor · 06/03/2020 16:05

Just tell them FFS.

It's your wedding, not theirs.

Put your foot down. Wasting all that money is outrageous and anyway - you do not want a big, overblown wedding - so tell your MI-to-be to keep her nose out.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 06/03/2020 16:06

I think if you're living in different countries and having an Indian wedding in India many people you know might not be able to attend. Having a Scottish wedding would be as culturally important to you as an Indian wedding to df/mil and having both would hopefully ensure everyone you love can celebrate with you.

TheMustressMhor · 06/03/2020 16:07

It is very important for his family

So? It isn't his family's wedding, OP.

It's yours.

Just say No.