to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

[sooopersatsuma]

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

Two weddings. Small British one and let mil do what she wants with indian one. That amount of money would make me gasp

I think you need a chat with your bf to see what cultural belief he'd like to continue.
Will he be contributing to family finances, moving them in when they get old. Will you be expected to be their carer?
There are so many questions you need the answer to before you even start to think about marriage.

@sooopersatsuma

3000 people due to come, at a cost of £200,000 for the wedding???

And also your OWN parents have saved 6 figures towards your wedding even before you met said Indian man?

PMSL. 😂

Why does their culture trump your own?

@Summercat she said her DP's family have saved that up, it sounds like something that is done well in advance of any engagement given the size of the weddings in their culture.

DP wants to please his mother

Please, before you marry this man decide on to what extent you will be go along with your then DH wanting to please his Mother.

If he won't make your feelings his priority then I see problems in your future - very many of them.

It's important to his family - very important. If you prevent them from hosting this extravaganza you will to only break their hearts but you will shame them culturally in from of friends, family, and the 2 dozen bejewelled elephants they intend to hire for the celebrations. (Seriously - it will be enormously embarrassing for them and they will be the objects of gossip and scorn for many years. Please don't do this to them.)

I think on this occasion you should graciously accept their generosity, overwhelming as it is. Have a second, smaller celebration for your close fronds.

YABU. This is something they've been saving for since he was born, and all you have to do is show up. Saying no is going to get you off on the wrong foot in what will hopefully be a very long marriage. Have the wedding of your dreams as well though.

*friends, not fronds - I wasn't suggesting that you treat your pot plants to a hen night or anything . . .

I am a bit worried that you are already clashing over the wedding - it gets worse. We had a wedding with 42 of our families members and friends (I have 4 siblings) and we loved it. But if I was marrying an Indian man I would have bought into the big wedding his family wanted because it was part of who he was. Although I would have made some trade offs and said I want the honeymoon just as I want it - just the two of you somewhere romantic you have always wanted to go. My friend is an Indian and she married an Indian man from a different religion to her and the whole family pressure was too much and their marriage unfortunately did not work because of it.

It is a relatively new thing in this country that the wedding is all about the bride and groom, and boy, is it ALL about the bride and groom. Do as others have said, have your own small do and let the family do the big do

If you can't talk to your partner about this and reach an understanding, then you shouldn't be marrying him tbh.

Sure, in his culture this is normal and you have to respect his cultural background. But that works both ways. In your culture, you do not do this, and he (and his mother!) must respect that.

Talk to your partner, reach a compromise. If you can't even do that, then what's the point of getting married?

H hasnt even proposed yet

It's only ridiculous from the point of view of our culture. It's normal for his.

This will very possibly only be the very first in a long line of big cultural clashes. I’d be thinking very carefully about whether marriage is a sustainable thing in the face of such cultural differences, especially if children are in the future.

Before you get engaged you need to make sure you are in agreement on all the big intercultural issues that are likely to arise over the years:

• Wedding
• Country you live
• Where your holidays will be spent and with whom
• Your career
• Childcare
• Division of household work
• How many, when, if, children
• What religion will children be brought up
• Visits from the ILs
• Looking after the ILs later in life
• Financial support for his family

I married a man from a different culture, though not as different as in your case. It only works because we ironed out most of the above issues way before we got engaged, and compromised on everything else. It's still tricky at times.

I think on this occasion you should graciously accept their generosity, overwhelming as it is. Have a second, smaller celebration for your close fronds.

I agree, AS LONG AS your DH-to-be is absolutely clear that this doesn't mean his parents will be in charge of your lives going forward. I mean, looked at another way, it's an awesome party, no expense spared and featuring things you would otherwise probably not experience (elephants!) for which all you have to do is turn up.

(Schadenfreude , I love the image of pot plants turning up to a little celebration )

@newhousestress Ooops, yeah you're right. The OP DID say it was her DP's family who had saved the £200K. Sorry. I need to read properly.

I still find the 3000 guests and £200K on a wedding batshit though. I have known of a few Indian weddings, and they have spent £40-50K and had 400 guests, but nowhere NEAR what @sooopersatsuma is on about!

Never heard anything like it in my life!

I don't think people understand just how important this can be to a family.

If this is really something you refuse to get on board with then I honestly don't think you're marrying the right man...

If he ever proposes...

Ouch. As someone from this background, some of the responses are downright hurtful to read.

As for advice for you OP, 2 weddings or none at all.

I think you need to have a serious conversation about what other cultural expectations there will be. If it’s just this and you will otherwise live your lives normally then I think you embrace it AND do your own thing too.

Your cultural expectation is to have a small, intimate wedding and that’s fine - his family’s is an extravagant affair (also fine). So do both, because I can’t see how you would even meet in the middle for this.

I wonder how your marriage will work out when you can’t even get the wedding you want because of his parents. What are you planning to do about the important stuff when you can’t even agree on the wedding?

I don't blame you @NoineNoine

I'm wincing at some of them.

Also taking great personal exception to mocking the post office invitees.

Don't marry anyone Irish, either so.

My granny invited the women she went to Lourdes with in the 90s to my wedding!

Do you know anything at all about his family's culture? Because this is the tip of the ice berg. To put it bluntly, you ain't escaping the massive wedding. But that's just the one day and you won't be thinking about that when you end up living with your MIL.

Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant

If it's what he wants/imagines (not just his mother) then I don't think you can just veto it. Him not getting the wedding he wants is as bad as you not getting the wedding you want. It does sound like you are going to have to have 2 weddings tbh as there's not really any middle ground.