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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

383 replies

sooopersatsuma · 06/03/2020 13:20

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

OP posts:

TheMustressMhor · 06/03/2020 13:35

Just tell them you're planning your wedding yourself and do not want their input.

Olliephaunt4eyes · 06/03/2020 13:36

My DM was Indian. She and DF had two weddings for this reason. My cousin had the same thing when she married someone from Western culture. I think it's pretty normal. You have your small intimate wedding over here and then take a deep breath and prepare yourself for a 3000 person extravaganza.

You might have more fun that you expected, although my cousin's husband has admitted he needed a stiff drink before getting on the elephant!

RhymingRabbit3 · 06/03/2020 13:36

Could you do both? Small traditionally British wedding and then large traditionally indian wedding. What does your husband to be think of the whole thing?

VeThings · 06/03/2020 13:38

What background / religion is the family?

Some families have a big pre-wedding party - they can go all out on that with their side of the family, friends, etc whilst you keep the actual wedding small and intimate.

Or you let MIL arrange a massive party after your wedding to celebrate (she may still have a massive pre-wedding party as that’s expected in some backgrounds).

katy1213 · 06/03/2020 13:38

I think you'd also need to make it clear that if they're not wealthy and they blow £200,000 on a wedding you don't want, that you won't be holding yourself responsible for funding their retirement.

AutumnRose1 · 06/03/2020 13:39

Yanbu

Also, if you have elephants, how are they treated?

My parents cone from a culture where there is normal. They managed to keep good relationships in spite of doing stuff their own way. They were in agreement though....sounds worrying that your dh is so big on doing as family want.

I could buy a bigger flat with that amount of money. Like twice the size. I can’t imagine spending it on a wedding. Unless they are trillionaires.

curlsnotfrizz · 06/03/2020 13:40

goodness... I would run and stay single (we eloped and had no party at all as it's not my.and DH's thing all). Sorry, cannot think of anything more helpful but i couldn't do this.

it would concern me that it is more important for your future DH to please his parents. What other parent pleasers are in store for the future?

KC225 · 06/03/2020 13:41

Take a look at My Big Fat Asian Wedding - channel 4 documentary from a few years ago about a wedding planner (so funny he deserves his own series) doing large scale events. Some great ideas if you decide to go ahead

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/03/2020 13:41

I'm imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family

You're out of luck there I'm afraid, or at least you would be with practically every Indian family I know - as with my GP, who when told of an English wedding with 230 guests sniffed "oh, a small one then"

Of course I completely get it's your wedding, but it's the groom's too and I'm not sure this is a hill I'd want to die on. We're all different, but personally I'd let 'em all come ... you might not ever see an atmosphere as good as good as that again

DowntownAbby · 06/03/2020 13:42

Extravagant weddings of any type and any value over maybe £5k are utterly ridiculous, however you look at it.

The wedding is not his parents' 'gig' so you can do whatever you want.

I wouldn't allow myself to be paraded for thousands of strangers and don't think you should either.

Do whatever you want, not what they want.

Socksey · 06/03/2020 13:43

Can you have 2?
Obviously invite who you want to both.... weddings are about the people getting married and also a joining of families

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 06/03/2020 13:43

I think the fact you're already calling your DH's family's culture and traditions 'ridiculous' doesn't bode well tbh.

Getting married means compromising over some issues. It means bringing two families together. And in your case (and many others) it means bringing two cultures together.

If you don't think you can live with that then I think you need to seriously reconsider. As a PP said, this won't be the first culture clash and your DH is showing that tradition, culture and his family are very important to him. If that doesn't work for you, you can't ignore it.

nickname302 · 06/03/2020 13:43

Just grit your teeth and let her have her day, then have your own how you like. It does seem like a huge waste of money, though.

Cwenthryth · 06/03/2020 13:44

I think YANBU at all, but this needs to be ironed out between you & your partner before you get engaged. (or at least before you inform his parents and they get carried away). You need to agree a united front on this - it should not end up a negotiation between you & his mother; the you & him should agree what approach you want to take and then inform his mother what your joint wishes are.

Personally - I’d say the intimate wedding that you want, paid for by the two of you; and then if his Mum wishes to throw you a party on a later date, then lovely. There may be other specific cultural traditions that your partner might want to include, but it should be between you & him to discuss & agree, not him just wanting to keep his Mum happy and pressuring you to go along with things you don’t want. If that’s how he wants to approach this, then please have a really deep think about things as that is how he will treat you during the marriage as well.

AutumnRose1 · 06/03/2020 13:45

“ We're all different, but personally I'd let 'em all come ... you might not ever see an atmosphere as good as good as that again smile”

I turned down the invitation to a good friend’s wedding because it was 400 people and that was bad enough. He’s known me for ages so he understood. He did say, literally, the brides parents had invited people from the local Post Office.

GU24Mum · 06/03/2020 13:45

Is it too late before he proposes for you to tell him about a friend/someone on Mumsnet whose MIL would want that sort of wedding and how much, however much you loved someone, you just couldn't contemplate that as it would be your idea of hell.........

Devlesko · 06/03/2020 13:46

Doesn't sound like you'll be very happy in this marriage OP.
The parents will run the show and raising your children, it's the culture.
If you don't embrace it as your own, you'll be divorced in a year.
Have a look at other threads with cultural differences where one partner wants different to another.
I'd be rethinking my cultural values or not getting married if it were me.

Coyoacan · 06/03/2020 13:46

I would wonder if this is going to be the first of many cultural clashes

This sounds like there is a huge cultural gap between you and your bf.
Love does not conquer all, unfortunately.

And I'm not saying that from the point of view of who is right and who is wrong. But first there is the wedding, then there are the family visits, the roles of men and women in the house and then in how you rear your children. There are so many extreme differences between the culture of the sub-continent and yours.

Springsnake · 06/03/2020 13:46

Obviously you knew this when you first started going out together,surely you should of addressed it then .
You’ve had the whole relationship to address it ,yet you leave it till now ..knowing how important it is to his culture..
I think you accept it as they do things
Or leave him

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/03/2020 13:46

the brides parents had invited people from the local Post Office

Why not the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker too?

Socksey · 06/03/2020 13:47

Sorry... it wouldn't let me finish me message properly....
But, can you have the wedding you want here and if his parents are expecting to pay for the big wedding in their town, can that not just happen too?
Could you look on that as a the celebration that his parents have looked forward to since he was a little boy? for you the smaller affair at home is your wedding that you and yours may have wanted and expect... could you enjoy both and consider the whole thing just a big party/celebration? even if you are a person that prefers a quieter and more discreet celebration...
It's not that the 2 cultures are incompatible but somehow you will need to work together to find a balance between the two and both celebrate the best of each others cultures... I am assuming that if this is the plan, that they are happy with you and all is well there...
Good luck

OhCaptain · 06/03/2020 13:47

The wedding is not his parents' 'gig' so you can do whatever you want.

Except it is. OP literally says that is their gig in the first post.

LagunaBubbles · 06/03/2020 13:48

Do whatever you want, not what they want

That will be easier said than done as it's her future DHs culture.

Crunched · 06/03/2020 13:49

I think TheMagiciansMewTwo has perfectly expressed my feelings also.
Your DP’s culture is part of him as a person and, if you want to marry him, you need to embrace the whole package or walk now.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 06/03/2020 13:49

I think you need to hash this out with your boyfriend before you accept his proposal. All the big questions, wedding, how many children ( if any), financial situation, where you see yourselves going in the future. Where you are going to live.
Also you dont have to accept a proposal.

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