to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

[sooopersatsuma]

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

What are you planning to do about the important stuff when you can’t even agree on the wedding?

This is quite dismissive actually. In some cultures a wedding IS very, very, very important stuff.

People on here really need to take off the Brit tinted glasses sometimes. Your way is just that - your way. Not better, not right, not superior. Just yours.

I went to one of these and it was pretty amazing, but I would have found it stressful to be at the centre of it!

Other friends with a bi-cultural marriage had one of each, as others have suggested, and that worked well for them.

I think that's a good solution if you can bear to be at the centre of it. Do you think you can? Do you think you could talk to MIL to find out if there are ways of taking a bit of a time out during the day, or cutting out some parts of the day that may not be absolutely essential? IME there can also be multi-day things before and/or after, so it's worth figuring out up front all the expectations, not just the wedding itself, and making sure it's something you are happy with.

Not really sure how you can just veto something he wants.

Is the fact that his mother has it all planned, which is entirely normal in their culture, not worrying you?

OP I hope you can work something out. In some cultures it really does seem to be acceptable (and in fact expected) that you will invite anyone and everyone. Its not just a matter of celebration its a status thing I think.

Like PPs have said cross cultural weddings I've known about seem to invite two events in an effort to keep everyone happy

Not relevant to your problem but some years ago my mum who is quite a friendly woman was shopping in an Muslim area of the city looking for dresses for DD. She got chatting to one of the shop keepers and he was talking about his son getting married and how excited he was... then asked her name, wrote it on a wedding invitation and gave it to her with her change!!! Sadly she couldn't go though she was very tempted just for the experience :)

DH is Asian, I’m not. I would second the two weddings suggestions. We had the wedding we wanted, and we had the BFAW. Bonus: two honeymoons!

I think what people are trying to say is that a wedding is not that important in the scheme of things, and you maybe you could see yourself compromising and doing it your DP's family's way, but what will happen with more important issues like how you raise your DCs?

Just do it. Rather, let her do it. she's love it, she'll love you, everyone will be happy.

Have an intimate tiny ceremony too, if you like.

But a 'compromise' version of 3,000 people will still be 1,000 people. It won't resemble a small wedding in any way. It will just be an all-roun-unsatisfacgotry compromise that pleases no-one.

The only way you could veto this thing entirely, is if your fiance-to-be was against it, keen to distance himself from his family and to elope. Doesn't sound that way.

My Spanish friend got married to an Indian and they had two weddings. A Western one and after it a Hindu one. The groom is quite shy and private and his family wanted a three day wedding with masses of people. They said they would only participate the first day, then they would be leaving on honeymoon but the family could celebrate the extra two days if they wished. And so they did.

Hi OP, my DH is also Indian and we had a similar issue (although ours was around 500 guests, not 3,000!!!)

Unfortunately in India the whole wedding thing is very much a competitive sport, and has absolutely nothing to do with the bride and grooms wishes. For some reason it's absolutely essential to have what feels like a bazillion functions over the course of abut 2 weeks, each more extravagant than the last - supposedly with the sole aim of one upping whoever got married last.

Me and DH had a very frank conversation before we got engaged, and I made it very clear that it was my dream to have a traditional western wedding, and for it to be fairly intimate. I also made it clear I didn't want to spend a fortune on it. The jist of the conversation was that if he wasn't on board then there was no point proposing.

With multi cultural relationships there has to be some give and take, please dont let them bully you into a position where it is always you adapting to their cultural differences, they must also be tolerant of your culture.

In the end we had a lovely English wedding, and then went to India to have another (smallish) wedding before going on honeymoon. Everyone was happy.

This will be the first of many battles over cultural differences, you may want to have a frank and open conversation now, as you may end up with a shock when it comes to other things such as when you have kids. Indian attitudes to family are so much different to English attitudes - they tend to be waaaaay more involved. If the the thought of this wedding is making you anxious you should probably ask DP what to expect when it comes to kids and elderly care.

It would really frustrate me to see such a huge sum of money being blown on my wedding: if that money is being spent anyway there are so many other things I'd rather see it used on!

It's a tricky situation OP, but surely your own culture and wishes are just as important as your other half's culture? I think you have to talk to your partner about this now before it runs away from you and you have no say at all.

(By the way, those 3,000 people must be constantly going to weddings!! I know it's another culture, but personally I couldn't be bothered with having to go to weddings of people I don't even know!)

Pay for it yourself and do the wedding the way you want.

I worked with a guy who was of Pakistani heritage - his parents moved over here about 40 years ago. He was talking to us about what would happen if he married - about the same number (3000) would be invited. He said it was basically everyone the family owed something to - for instance when his mother came over here to marry his dad, they stayed with a distant cousin, who put them up for a while for free. They hadn't really seen them since, but they (and their extended family) would be invited as a mark of respect. He said if they weren't invited, it would be like telling them, "You mean nothing to me."

I would be very, very careful about saying you don't want that wedding, if this is what it's like in your fiance's family.

Don't marry into a different culture if you don't accept hat that means i.e. real compromises. I have no time for anyone who marries like this and then wants everything to be done the white traditional English way.
This goes for the wedding and expectations around children and in laws. You have to talk and agree these with your partner now.

Can you use Coronavirus as an excuse? I'm serious!

When you are marrying someone from such a different culture and from another country outside of Europe, you can't do the traditional thing of leaving the man to propose.

Everything needs to be discussed, before the question is asked and accepted.

You may find that you are regarded differently once you become hid wife and different behaviour is expected.

"He just wants to please his Mother".
From someone in the UK that wouldn't bode well. From someone who comes from a society were women are second class citizens, if not worthless, that is catastrophic.

I'd be terrified!

However, I think I would have the tiny intimate wedding in the UK and then throw myself into being a guest at the massive Indian wedding. There will be plenty of compromises in your marriage but this something that his parents will feel they need to do. Focus more on making sure your marriage is what you want and that you are both in agreement about children before you say yes.

I think this is a lot bigger than just the wedding. You need to sit down and have a big talk about your future.
When you marry someone from your same culture although there might be slight differences most big things will follow a similar path.
When combining 2 cultures which is entirely possible and works for a lot of people it is very very important to make sure you are on the same page on important things right from the outset, some of these things need to be thought about as may be a deal breaker.
Such as
Where will you live - will he ever want to go back to his home country (home country could either be as in he was born there or home country as in was born here but actually will want to move over to his cultural home when he has kids)

• if you divorce what are typical custody arrangements like in his culture, will his family expect to raise the kids, making you an outcast?
• finances - will it be joint or does the man control everything and give you an ‘allowance’
• will you be expected to give up work, what about when you have kids?
• will you be expected to do all the housework and cooking
• what contraception is acceptable, how many kids do you both want/expect to have?
• wil you be expected to care for his parents/aunts uncles when they are elderly?
• will they allow girls to be educated, go to uni etc or will they be expected to marry young? Often cultures let men go outside of thier culture but girls are not given as much freedom

Actually really no matter what culture you are marrying whether it’s your own or not, someone you’ve known all your life or just let - these are all valid questions to know before you get serious.
The answers as well as his reaction to the above topics will tell you what you need to know

@alloutoffucks

Surely that applies the other way too? It just be OP's responsibility to adapt. Her DP and his family must also adapt. It cant just be the white english family that needs to embrace the other culture. The Indian partner and his family must also embrace English culture.

If he cant adapt too then he shouldn't be entertaining the notion of proposing.

Both sides must compromise, not just OP.

I also think it's disgusting to abuse elephants just so they can be used in this way.

They spend most of their lives in chains receiving electric shocks and beatings.

Mumbai and a few places have banned their use. So even people in India, recognise that it being cultural doesn't make it ok.

@FlimFlam Yes but often the general view on MN around things like weddings and family visiting is that everyone should adapt to the white English way of doing things. I see it time and time again on here.

@alloutoffucks

Agreed, a multicultural relationship should be 'the best of both', not just one side morphing into the other.

Interesting you say that, as I have seen the reverse on here. Whenever someone questions the wedding, kids or elderly care situation the default position always seems to be 'well you just need to adapt as he/his family are from another culture'. I find that just as horrible, usually there's a middle ground that is neither 'white' culture or 'other' culture, but is a it of both - it just usually means that both MIL's are a bit put out

I agree that it takes compromise from everyone. But it also takes lots of talking before you get married. There are too many points of potential conflict around relationships with in laws and what that means and raising of children, not too.
Also from what I observe, people tend to become more "traditional" in how they want to live, the older they get. Sometimes couples seem fine when they are very young and both more willing to do things very differently from the way they were brought up. But that can cjange as they age.

One in each country ? I have anIndian colleague who spent $1,000,000 on his daughter’s wedding. ONE million dollars. Unbelievable to me but to them it was worth every penny. And yes there where elephants everywhere!

Can we all come along to? Sounds Fabulous!