to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

[sooopersatsuma]

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

I was done when you mentioned elephants. Absolutely no way would I have that.

Everything else I just think you should mention before you get engaged that you're not happy with a big wedding and how you could compromise somehow.

This is about choice and empowerment and feeling like both have been taken away from you.

The solution is simple: have your dream small, intimate wedding here in the U.K. (or whatever country you live in or come from), and then let your OH’s family do it their way for the Indian side.

@alloutoffucks

I agree that it takes compromise from everyone. But it also takes lots of talking before you get married.

^ THIS. A thousand times this.

I can't believe people are saying go along with it or have two. You and your husband need to decide what the two of you want and he will have to be very clear about that to his parents.

You need to discuss with your bf the cultural differences before he proposes. Not just the wedding that is just the start, but future expectations of a DIL, what happens when children come along, what happens when his parents get older, expectations for oodles of auntie and uncles you will suddenly have etc. What will his stance be if you say you want a quiet intimate wedding?

Then think very carefully if this is the life you really want. Love does not always conquer all, resentment will kill it slowly. You need to understand 100% and agree to what you are signing up for or walk away.

I had to smile about the pp saying one could be happy without the marriage certificate...it doesn't work that way in Indian culture...unless you aspire to be the unrecognised other woman in a marriage of your dp to someone chosen in India by his parents. They even have catalogs.

I would wonder if this is going to be the first of many cultural clashes

Tell him that in your culture, you are entitled to one too, it's not the norm to have such an extravagant wedding. Why is that only certain 'cultures' feel entitled to have their beliefs respected?

£200k.....

Not buying it sorry...…….

Thank you everyone for commenting! as soon as I posted I was rushed to a call so have only just got on and started to read the messages.

Yes it would be expected that my family would travel but they would fund the tickets and the family are very liberal and open minded about most things. We live in the UK and we would not be expected to move in with them etc, they are a really wonderful and supportive family. Cultural differences should be celebrated and an extravagant wedding is not a deal breaker. I know I love this man so much and want to marry him.

I have thought about one in each country but then there would be so much money on plane tickets because his very large immediate family would come to both and so would mine and it feels a little selfish and time-consuming to ask of everyone.

I havent read everyones yet, I will read now 😊

Can you slip off quietly a few days before and get married in the way you want, or at least with your family there? Registry office sort of thing?

Then you could look on your MIL's thing as a big party to celebrate.

Cross cultural relationships have best chance of working if you are flexible and compromise.

I would let his mother have her way on this, and keep my powder dry for something that really matters. Possible around raising any children.

Talk about it with your groom before you say yes.

You could compromise on 1500, perhaps.

I had a civil service in Europe and then had the big Indian wedding in India , was great , have you spent much time in India ?

Also when you talk about differences and the future, talk about what really matters to you both. Because there will be some areas you will both be prepared to compromise on, and others where you won't. For example with child rearing you may have things you would never compromise on. One of mine is that my parents will always be welcome to stay in my home, however much work this causes. It really is a red line for me that I would not compromise on. However much some English people think putting your parents up in a hotel is okay. You need to understand these things before you get married.

Ah nothing says 'happy marriage' like animal abuse...

YABU - this will mean much more to them than it will to you.

Where will the wedding be? Can you just suck it up and go along with it? IMO it will mean much more to your DH and his MIL them that you do just go along with it.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family.

Is there any reason why can't also cant also do this, a separate civil ceremony?

£200k.....

Last time I was in India I was asked by a stranger to a wedding and later by one of the grooms family. £200,000 wouldn't even have touched the sides with that one. 2 full days at a luxury hotel, clothes, flowers, endless food. It was stunning. There were certainly well in excess of a thousand there at any one time.

We went to a modest UK hindu wedding and that as well over 500-loads of tables left empty for whoever turned up.

This won't just be your wedding ceremony. It will be every celebration of any life acheivement/milestone.

You either have to embrace the culture, or admit that your cultures are just too different. You won't ever do anything "your way" in a family that is deeply engrained in tradition. And that may include children.

It's something to really deep down consider before you make a commitment to this man, no matter how much in love you are.

I would let his mother have her way on this, and keep my powder dry for something that really matters. Possible around raising any children.

100% agree with this. You need to pick your battles and this it not a battle you want to pick! I'm speaking from first hand experience - we did have two weddings, one in the UK and one in India - yes a lot of flights and more people travelled than we anticipated but it worth it to keep everyone happy! And indian wedding are THE BEST if you are willing to embrace them!

He wants the big cultural extravaganza which he is used to. You want small and intimate. Neither of you is wrong but it is one of those situations where a compromise - other than the two ceremonies many have suggested - is going to lead to one or both of you not being happy.

You need to sit down and discuss both this and how other cultural clashes are going to work to ensure your both going to be happy

As someone from another country in a relationship with a British man...you need to tread carefully amd understand where they are coming from. British families can be quite insular, focused on the couple, whereas the wider family is much more important in other cultures. It's important that you do not approach this as wrong or right and understand his (valid!) concerns and wishes and talk it through.

And it may all mean that you are not compatible, that is something you need to think about. If you are imagining a future of just you two, the kids and ocassionally seeing in-laws...you may be wrong and it might be the source of a lot of stress down the line. You need to be realistic in your expectations. And don't assume the British way is the right way because that will go down so so badly.

As Toria70 said you won’t get your way ever.

You might not be expected to move in with in laws but you will be expected to follow all their traditions

It doesn’t matter how liberal you think your bf is. Once he is married you could find him becoming more traditional and taking the side of his mother and the 3000 of his extended family and friends.

this isn’t one culture ‘trumping another’ as some have suggested. The wedding is culturally for many Indian families a lifetime’s planning (And spending) and very much their gig. Go with it and have an amazing time.
Why on Earth tussle and try to ‘compromise’ ? As op a compromise would still be huge and your in laws would be upset.
Have whatever smaller U.K. based ceremony you then wish.
Have fun at each. I know which I would most love to attend !
Congrats op.

I think your thread title says it all to be honest.... “3000 strangers coming to my wedding”. It’s not just your wedding is it, or it shouldn’t be. Making it all about you before you’ve even decided to get married doesn’t bode well for the future if you ask me.

Honestly if I didn't have to do any planning or organising I'd just go along with it and enjoy it. Your outfits will be gorgeous, food will be amazing, it'll be fun.