I know I am. Mucked up.

[whattheheckisgoingon]

So I was on the way home and popped in to the supermarket to pick up a couple of bits for the kids‘ tea.

When I saw all the emptying shelves I just panicked! Ended up spending 30 mins doing a ridiculous panic buy of the basics, just in case we need to self isolate. Completely irrational. (We’ve had a case confirmed in the town next door - the news came through just before I went into the shop - and I think that sent me over). I feel so stupid.

But the other thing is that DH needed the car to get to football training this evening. So I have made him very late for that. I called on my way back - apologised that I was running late and admitted I was acting irrationally- but he just hung up. He was apoplectic when we go back home, and wouldn’t accept any attempt at an apology. Almost exploded when he saw the shopping. He is very, very angry.

He has also previously been very clear that we should not stock up and I have blatantly done the complete opposite which he will take as massively disrespectful. I just lost my head, I guess.

I’ve sent him a text saying how sorry I am. I am; I know I shouldn’t have done it.

He’s going to be super angry when he gets home. I’m so worried about this. He says I am very selfish. I didn’t mean to be, but I know I was.

I know I’ve been an idiot. I just don’t know what to do when he comes back still extremely angry. I honestly don’t know how to appease him. He’ll be back in 45 minutes and I’m readying myself for his anger over it all.

Don’t know why I posted really. Sounds stupid in writing. I’m just very worried. I know I was unreasonable. Sorry if I posted in the wrong bit.

Any advice?

And he is usually wonderful. Honestly. There’s clearly something about ‘me’ that just winds him up something rotten

No, just no. This is the classic excuse abusive men use. He sounds horrible and you are not to blame at all, he is the problem, not you.

. And he is usually wonderful. Honestly. There’s clearly something about ‘me’ that just winds him up something rotten!
So that's ok then he's usually wonderful but occasionally he's a aggressive bully sorry but he is it's not ok that he's like that . Even if he worships you bringing you breakfast in bed , flowers etc but then one day he's vile it's not ok . It's not you it's him with the issues .
I have this with my mum and dad he's wonderful most of the time ( her words ) then he'll decide to be this other person and she walks on eggshells around him , it's not ok but she thinks it's fine because he's wonderful most of the time . Yes because he's making up for the fact he's so horrible. Just don't allow yourself to be put through this shit .

"Wonderful"people do not smother another person. Not ever, no matter what the provocation (not that I think you in any way provoked him), people worth loving walk away, calm down and discuss things like adults.

I know it's frowned upon but I looked at your other posts. Back in 2014 you say you disagreed with your DH on something and it led to a row and you telling him to sleep on the sofa. I'm only pointing this out because you sound like a different person back then, you stood up to him and he didn't have this level of power and control over you. In a few short years that has turned into him being able to smother you, and you accepting that from him (through his control over you, I'm not blaming you).

Please get whatever support you need and can get to leave this horrible bastard. He has destroyed your mental health.

Christ. I thought you were going to say he punched a wall once, pushed past you in anger... he smothered you.

He’s normally lovely because you make sure you don’t upset him.

And what you did is a perfectly normal reaction to seeing empty shelves and knowing a potential crisis is on the way. It’s understandable. His reaction is not.

He's 'wonderful' when you're obeying him, whatthe

It is not “you”. There is nothing you could do to make him behave a particular way. He was not forced into violence because of the way you behaved. He chose to behave like that, and he chooses to justify it to himself by telling you it is something you’ve done.

Imagine if you went out tomorrow, looked for someone smaller/weaker than yourself and momentarily tried to smother them whilst screaming at them in apoplectic rage. Would that be acceptable? No? Why not? Because it was you doing it not him? Because it’s not acceptable to do that to a stranger, only to someone you’ve professed to love? Because you’d need a “good reason” to make it acceptable? Or just maybe because it’s not ever acceptable (or legal) behaviour to anyone under any circumstances?

OP your posts are so sad because it isnt you it is HIM. I assume anything that you do to have an opinion or be your own person is what sets him off.

Relationships are not suppose to be like this. He found a pretty effective way to bring you into line so you think that there is no physical violence involved

You don't know the nature of any man until you say no to him. The man who smothered you is showing you his true nature. Believe him when he tells you this about himself.

OP I hope on reading this thread again you reach out to a charity or even a trusted friend to review your relationship and you self esteem. It feels to me like he has been emotionally controlling you for a long time. It's hard to see it when you are in it.

There’s clearly something about ‘me’ that just winds him up something rotten!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you to warrant this behaviour. If it really was an issue with you then he would have left you. The issue isn't you. He sounds emotionally and physically abusive. You shouldn't be with someone who can/does scare you.

Have you read this thread. I think it would give you some insight to how we see your situation a little.

Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3812790-Partner-hit-me-with-a-pillow-this-morning-in-anger

Wtf? OP this all sounds very worrying. He's scary.

OP, for goodness sake heed the advice on this thread, the one that you started, possibly because you already know the answer.

You don't smother anyone you love, ever. It's inexcusable for any amount of time. That is what he is capable of. Good safe people control themselves and walk away.

I hope you are ok.

I’m going to post this OP as someone who has come out of the other side of domestic violence. My ex strangled me on several occasions and I fled one night in fear of my life. Strangulation/ smothering is the biggest risk factor for being murdered by your partner... more so than punching, kicking or raping them. Think about that.... it would take very little effort for him to have continued to smother you to the point of death. Get out.... this whole post is so upsetting to read

Wow. He smothered you with a pillow... ? That’s unforgivable in my book.

No ifs, no buts - you must make plans to leave.

OP if you are still reading this...

Lots of posters have said some useful things, I want to give you some info you likely won't hear this way anywhere else..

Your brain is bamboozling you...

Learning theory tells us that there are punishers, and there are reinforcers.

Punishers reduce the frequency of a behaviour.
Reinforcers increase the frequency of a behaviour.

In other words, you (all of us, anyone with an amygdala and even some without), will work to AVOID something aversive to you, that aversive is a punishment/punisher.

Your partners behaviour in smothering you, in banging his hand, in getting angry... is aversive, it reduces the frequency with which YOU do things that trigger it... you try to avoid upsetting him, you try to work out ways to appease him...

Reinforcers are the things that are nice, you work to earn them, you will repeat the behaviours that got you that nice reinforcement..

So when hes nice, hes lovely, he buys you flowers, tells you you look nice.. those are reinforcers, nothing wrong with that.

Here's where the brain bamboozles you though.

Relief is HUGELY reinforcing.

If someone uses both aversives/ positive punishment.. AND positive reinforcement ... that reinforcement comes to signal that you have successfully avoided the nasty punishment.

Your brain then values that signal that you WON'T get punished, very very highly, the relief is so INCREDIBLY reinforcing...

So you get rewarded for every time you work to avoid his punishments.

The 'lovely' things he does which are in fact just the NORMAL none abusive things, not shouting at you, not hitting you/smothering you/calling you names, become extra special in your mind.

So we get this situation where he is horrid a lot of the time, but the times he is NOT vile, NOT abusive OMG he is the most wonderful man on the earth he is so lovely.....

It isn't real. Your brain has been conditioned to fear punishment and crave relieve, you are going to actively seek out those reinforcers and see them as more than what they really are.

Please get out of this relationship.

He smothered you, but you weren't hurt. So that's ok ....and you have children to take care of?

Oh OP, it really is shocking to hear that you were smothered, and that you’ve assimilated that into a ‘minor incident’ in the past. I can imagine how he’s gradually chipped away at your perception of events and had you believing his behaviour is your responsibility. On a domestic abuse training I was on, I remember a case example of a man who held a gun to his wife’s head the day after their wedding. He never had to harm her again, the threat was always there and sufficient to ensure her compliance. This feels similar. You’ve had so many helpful responses here, I can imagine that it’s a lot to process. for you.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.

You need to contact Women's Aid, and you need to do this as soon as possible.

www.womensaid.org.uk/
Go to the website. Look around it.
There is a nationwide number - 0808 2000 247 and also info for local WA offices.
You need to choose either a local number or the nationwide one to call.
When you call, leave your name and number, and a good time to call you back.

When you get your call back, ask for Women's Aid's help in dealing with a very angry, controlling and very dangerous man.

If you have any spare money and a sympathetic friend, please order the book "Why Does he do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It's on Amazon. Have it sent to the home of a friend and not to your own home. Pick it up from your friend and read it. Do not try to discuss the contents with your H. He is not amenable to help or improvement. Otherwise, buy or order it from your local bookshop. Or try your local library.

I'm not saying any of this lightly, @whattheheckisgoingon.
Please get help for yourself, and please don't let your H know you are reaching out for help.

If your username reflects anything in your life, the book I recommended will give you your answer.

And change your MN password.

OP the book @mathanxiety is recommending is also on Amazon kindle as an ebook. I would also recommend "should I stay or should I go" by the same author.

You aren't safe. He is capable of worse. Please use womens aid to get some help and find a way out. I'm not being dramatic

There’s clearly something about ‘me’ that just winds him up something rotten!

This is what women in abusive relationships often think. They think they can manage their partners behaviour by changing their own behaviour. The problem is that it doesn't work because men like this want to have an excuse to get wound up and will keep changing the goal posts to give themselves any excuse. This is 100% on him and 100% not on you.

I wish you all the best and will say again to you to please read the link that MagHugger posted when you have time.

The link that MadHugger posted is the same book that mathanxiety is recommending. It's really very good.

Why exactly do you think you've been an idiot? You aren't alone in a quick panic shop.