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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am. Mucked up.

254 replies

whattheheckisgoingon · 04/03/2020 20:30

So I was on the way home and popped in to the supermarket to pick up a couple of bits for the kids‘ tea.

When I saw all the emptying shelves I just panicked! Ended up spending 30 mins doing a ridiculous panic buy of the basics, just in case we need to self isolate. Completely irrational. (We’ve had a case confirmed in the town next door - the news came through just before I went into the shop - and I think that sent me over). I feel so stupid.

But the other thing is that DH needed the car to get to football training this evening. So I have made him very late for that. I called on my way back - apologised that I was running late and admitted I was acting irrationally- but he just hung up. He was apoplectic when we go back home, and wouldn’t accept any attempt at an apology. Almost exploded when he saw the shopping. He is very, very angry.

He has also previously been very clear that we should not stock up and I have blatantly done the complete opposite which he will take as massively disrespectful. I just lost my head, I guess.

I’ve sent him a text saying how sorry I am. I am; I know I shouldn’t have done it.

He’s going to be super angry when he gets home. I’m so worried about this. He says I am very selfish. I didn’t mean to be, but I know I was.

I know I’ve been an idiot. I just don’t know what to do when he comes back still extremely angry. I honestly don’t know how to appease him. He’ll be back in 45 minutes and I’m readying myself for his anger over it all.

Don’t know why I posted really. Sounds stupid in writing. I’m just very worried. I know I was unreasonable. Sorry if I posted in the wrong bit.

Any advice?

OP posts:
somanydevices · 05/03/2020 16:25

He’s not violent bar one minor incident a few years ago which we worked through

Perhaps that one incident was all that was needed to get you back in line though? Do you take steps to avoid angering him?

Do you suppress or apologise for things you want to do and say (for example wanting to stock up - perfectly reasonable thing to do) for fear of angering him?

When's the last time you deliberately did something that you knew he thought was a bad idea?

Do you ever get proper input into what your family's response is, to things like coronavirus, or is it a case of what he says goes?

Does he ever respect your opinion despite disagreeing with it?

What happens if you think what he's saying or doing is wrong? Are you able to express this? How does he react?

somanydevices · 05/03/2020 16:26

What happened a few years ago? Do you want to talk about it? We're here if you do Flowers

zaffa · 05/03/2020 16:36

I don't know OP - has this put you in financial difficulty? I mean you're going to eat the food anyway, so unless your budget is so tight and this means that a bill goes unpaid then it's not that bad. I get DH is pissy you made him late - I'd be pissy too but I would just make an alternative arrangement or I would be pissy and then move on.

The fact that you're this worried is a bit of a flag. Does he have form for grudge holding? And what's with the disrespectful thing? My DH is not thrilled by my excessive shopping (not really related to stock piling i just like to have spares of things) but he wouldn't get so involved as to tell me I am disrespectful if he was against it and I did it anyway. It's a strange turn of phrase for him to use and makes me Wonder if he's a little controlling?

FWIW yesterday I picked up my shopping and baby formula is completely sold out. My reaction was to track it down online and I've ended up with 9 tubs - slight panic but I wouldn't risk not having it. So I understand that knee jerk reaction and I really don't think you've gone that OTT

Quartz2208 · 05/03/2020 17:12

the irony is whattheheck is that given the news today you were probably quite within the realms of normal behaviour to get the shop that you did.

What is noticeable is that because he thinks you were wrong you immediately agreed

Original poster
whattheheckisgoingon · 05/03/2020 17:36

Sorry for the radio silence. Been at work. Phone died.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheheckisgoingon · 05/03/2020 17:55

This has all given me pause for thought.

The other incident I mentioned was a couple of years ago. Don’t know why I said a ‘few’ years ago originally. Anyway, he smothered me for a few seconds. It was very surprising and I was quite distressed afterwards but I wasn’t hurt.

We have spoken at length about it and whilst I don’t think he ever took on board how awful that was, he hasn’t crossed that line again. Last night he was banging his hand loudly on the table to emphasise every point and it was when he started doing that, that I said I wouldn’t continue the conversation (because he was being aggressive and just working himself up). I do see now that my whole stance was to try and stop him getting angry.

For him it’s all about respect. It’s not about the money. We’re not rolling in it but we can buy a few extra tins of beans iyswim.

I do love him. And he is usually wonderful. Honestly. There’s clearly something about ‘me’ that just winds him up something rotten!

Thanks for listening. Such a big thing over something so silly. Sorry for not posting a bit more. I’m going to re-read all this and think it all through xx

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheheckisgoingon · 05/03/2020 17:56

Thanks again. I do feel like a bit of an idiot.

OP posts:
smartiecake · 05/03/2020 18:01

There’s clearly something about ‘me’ that just winds him up something rotten!
No OP you are blaming yourself for his appalling behaviour. It isn't right and it isnt normal behaviour. And reading that he smothered you makes my blood run cold. Christ get out. Leave you are not safe with him. I have been with my H for 24 years and he has never hurt me or belittled me or banged his fist on the table and we have had plenty of disagreements and rows. Your post has me very worried for your safety. Do your family know he tried to smother you? He is not a good partner or father. He is an abusive arsehole

EllenRipley · 05/03/2020 18:01

OP, please re-read and try to absorb at least some of the perspectives and advice you've been offered. The issue very clearly isn't your panic buying or him being late for football. This might be a good opportunity to think about yourself, your relationship and how your partner influences and treats you... I don't think you'd be here if part of you didn't already know that this isn't right.

fantasmasgoria1 · 05/03/2020 18:03

The fact that he smothered you shows he is abusive. He may not have done it since but there is a high chance he will do that again or something else abusive. He is behaving very badly.

JennysTailor · 05/03/2020 18:09

He tried to smother you? OP, that is not normal or okay. You say he hasn't crossed the line since but I agree with PP in that him smothering you has kept you in line. He hasn't stopped being frightening or aggressive has he? What action did he take to show remorse after he tried to smother you?

Flixsfoilball · 05/03/2020 18:10

For him it’s all about respect

@whattheheckisgoingon but where is his respect for you? Or does he only expect it to go one way?

JennysTailor · 05/03/2020 18:10

You shouldn't feel like an idiot either.

Jingers5 · 05/03/2020 18:18

You are minimising his behaviour. He tried to smother you? I would run for the hills. I hope that some day you will have the wisdom to see that his is abuse. This is not normal dynamics in any relationship.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/03/2020 18:23

For him it’s all about respect

No, it's not. It's about CONTROL. To him 'respect' means "you do what I say and shut up about it".

coughcoughcoughcough · 05/03/2020 18:29

*For him it’s all about respect

No, it's not. It's about CONTROL. To him 'respect' means "you do what I say and shut up about it".*

I agree with this entirely. He is abusing you with this behaviour, showing that if you dare do something else he will control you with aggression.

springydaff · 05/03/2020 18:34

Hence the banging his hand repeatedly on the table. They do that as a warning : "this could be your face of you don't behave and respect me".

LowcaAndroidow · 05/03/2020 18:37

It's not respect though, is it? It's about you obeying him.

I'm guessing he's 'wonderful' when you are obeying, and gets aggressively angry if you disobey orders? Even over something as silly and insignificant as this?

bitheby · 05/03/2020 18:40

I do love him. And he is usually wonderful. Honestly. There’s clearly something about ‘me’ that just winds him up something rotten! *

Oh OP. No! There's no way that something about you is responsible for winding him up. None of the way he behaves is your fault at all.

You deserve to be respected all the time and not to have to be treading on eggshells around him.

AppleKatie · 05/03/2020 18:42

You are not the idiot.

Run.

Original poster
whattheheckisgoingon · 05/03/2020 18:46

“smothering you has kept you in line”

OMG. Hasn’t it just. Jesus!!!

OP posts:
MingVase · 05/03/2020 18:47

And he is usually wonderful. Honestly. There’s clearly something about ‘me’ that just winds him up something rotten

No. Do not go there. There is nothing about you that makes you in any way responsible for this man's violent and threatening behaviour. Please don't minimise this, or your own fear.

Cheerbear23 · 05/03/2020 18:47

Fucking hell, he smothered you for a few seconds ? That’s horrific. And I would describe banging fists on the table as violent too. There are lots of warnings here OP.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/03/2020 18:52

OP you walked away when he was banging his hand on the table because you know what he's capable of when he's angry.

He was angry because you didn't do as you're told.

I know it's hard to see these things when you're living through them but please re-read the things you said to us over the past couple of days.

The man smothered you and you said there was an 'incident' that you both worked through. He should have been on his hands and knees begging your forgiveness and never so much as raised his voice to you again.

ColaFreezePop · 05/03/2020 18:52

OP do you have any acquaintances in real life who you can explain this to? As you seem to be minimising what PPs are pointing out that your OH's behaviour is not normal in any type of relationship.

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