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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the silent treatment is cruel?

245 replies

probablysue · 04/03/2020 13:51

I’d like some opinions on this please.
AIBU in asking my DH to stop giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment every time we argue? His view is that it’s his way of dealing and it’s down to him to decide if that’s ok or not and it’s not punishment but my view is different. Ok to take a few hours out, a day but his silent treatments are lasting up to a week in length. During that time he checks out of childcare and it’s impossible to live life normally. He walks out of a room when I walk in etc. Even if I apologise and I have to email that because I can’t physically talk to him, it still doesn’t end the cold shouldering. My view is that people argue, you don’t always agree but you carry on living while you discuss your issues. He completely shuts himself away. No sleeping together. No touching. Nothing. How on earth am I supposed to deal with it? It leads to no conflict resolution although if it’s him being snappy/argue starting then I’ll accept his apology and hug it out and we move on with our day. I believe the silent treatment is punishment, he disagrees and says it’s self protection. AIBU?

OP posts:
Waitingforadulthood · 04/03/2020 19:31

They ALL threaten to take 50/50. Almost none do or can. Plus you have emails documenting his emotional and verbal abuse (his emails to you) and long periods of silent treatment and ignoring you and the kids(your emails to him) . Practically is he capable of 50/50? What about his work/ lifestyle etc? If he's not capable of doing it now, what could he change?! It's usually empty threats and emotional manipulation.

Aside from that, missing your children whilst he has them, whilst hard for you, for them, it's better than living their life like they are now. The atmosphere must be poison and the example set, sets them up for a lifetime of emotional and relationship issues of their own.

Darbs76 · 04/03/2020 19:37

My ex also demanded 50/50, it lasted maybe a month, two at most, then he needed me to collect them as he couldn’t leave work in time. He is a good dad to his own kids and interestingly enough he’s never done the silent treatment on his own kids. We are friends and have moved on from the past, but our son is the same age now that my son was when he inflicted the silent treatment on him. I’m so tempted to message and tell him that so he can actually think how he would feel if someone did that to his kid.

OP, I can see why you don’t want to leave. I felt the same. If it wasn’t for the fact my ex started with the silent treatment on my child id have probably stayed too. But I hated treading on egg shells around him, I started bottling things up instead of risking an argument and then the silent treatment. It really is abuse, believe me if you stay your children will be affected. I am the result of parents who felt staying together was the better choice. Believe me it’s not. This will damage your children much more than parents who are no longer together.

Your DH might be prepared to change. Unlikely, but when you’re not in an argument you could tell him you’re going to leave him because of this. If he see’s you’re deadly serious he might accept that he needs help to change. Most likely not.

Please please consider leaving this man. This is not someone who loves you.

AndNowItsHappeningInMine · 04/03/2020 19:42

It's emotionally abusive and manipulative.
I tried everything I could think of with mine.
Ignoring it and breezily trying to get on with everything as usual, laughing at it, talking about it, and pretending I hadn't noticed or didn't care. It would be WEEKS sometimes. And then he'd say it had been ME in a mood, he'd just 'been a bit quiet'.
I'd never know what made him snap out of it suddenly, and sometimes I wouldn't even know what started it.
I was always guessing what was going on in his mind, doubting myself,thibking 'oh, maybe it was when I did this.... Or maybe it's because he didn't like that... Or maybe because my sister said that...' etc etc etc etc etc.
It was fucking horrible and I'm so glad I'm free of him now.

Cherrysoup · 04/03/2020 19:58

“actually get down on your knees and say thank you”!!!

That’s so disgusting. He’s subjugating you. Utterly disgraceful of him. Don’t allow him to carry on. I’ve told this story before on here. My parent’s friend did this to his wife and dc. He would stop speaking for weeks while being outwardly charming, going to play snooker with his mates, never saying anything was wrong. Every single one of his children have huge metal health issues. His eldest daughter, now in her 50s, has been on Prozac forever. The youngest too. It’s all down to the abusive shithead of their father. I HATE him, he ruined their childhood.

Please don’t take his dumb ass threats of wanting 50/50-really? The shithead who can’t be arsed to speak to them because he’s too busy sulking on you? Cunt.

DeeCeeCherry · 04/03/2020 19:58

An ex did this. I used to rant and rage but decided to stop. He wants to sulk for weeks? OK. I'd get on with my peace time, do the housework in my own time, watch what I wanted on TV, listen to music, catch up on books I wanted to read, chat to mates on the phone. So in effect his 'punishment' became powerless as I simply refused to engage.

I won't beg any man for attention, or skewered 'absolvement'. I left him after some years anyway, although not only because of the sulks. I wouldn't put up with passive aggressive behaviour such as your H is displaying. You must find it a complete turn-off and I really wonder if your marriage can sustain decades of this.

If you are staying then disengage. Do all the childcare then but have your precious peace time too. Take his power away by leaving him to it and rendering his nonsense totally ineffective.

Sn0tnose · 04/03/2020 20:08

He will want 50/50. He’s already said so. He will want 50/50 because he thinks it would cause you pain. So give him the 50/50, with a big smile on your face. When he picks them up, wave them off with a big smile on your face, calling out that they’re to have a lovely time with daddy. Maybe have your bag in one hand and car keys in the other. He’ll last a month. Maximum.

If you’re worrying about how you’ll cope, you’re already coping on your own.

Cantuccit · 04/03/2020 20:10

He will want 50/50. He’s already said so. He’d rather disrupt them to please himself. Only thinks about himself and his own needs.

Of course he says so! He knows how to make you stay.

Men like this soon tire of 50/50, especially as you say you do everything for your kids.

OP, I put up with ex-DH of 5 years who gave me ST. By the end of it, I was a shadow of my former self, it took away my confidence and self-esteem.

We went to counselling and he agreed to stop the ST, but he started again 2 months later.

His dad also gave his mum silent treatment, and he hates his dad but couldn't see he did the same to me because it was my fault for making him give me ST Hmm

Don't waste another year on this abusive twat (and it is abuse).

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 04/03/2020 20:13

He is abusive. You need to leave.

It can be tough being a single mum but it's a whole lot easier than living with an abusive partner. Also, it's really not in the best interests of your children to continue this abusive relationship. It will negatively impact on them.

Please, look after yourself Flowers

TorkTorkBam · 04/03/2020 20:14

You know what would make it easier for the children to be less disrupted. Start on 50:50 right now! He can do 50% of all child related stuff. During his 50% you will be out having fun. No chance of that though is there? It's all hot air.

ProfMcGonigle · 04/03/2020 20:15

OP did you get down on your knees to say thank you?

What was his reaction when you did or didn't?

IWishItWasSummer · 04/03/2020 20:21

I gave him a big hug and said thank you. Brilliant. Amazing. Thanks SO much. Yay...etc then he got arsey and said back “actually get down on your knees and say thank you”!!!

Do you get down on your knees OP? I hope not. As many have said this is abuse and you need to find a way to leave.

PapayaCoconut · 04/03/2020 20:31

So what do I do when he starts the silence/withdrawal?

I don't know, maybe tell the petulant piece of shit to go fuck himself?

Seriously though, there's nothing you can do. Whatever you say, he will twist it so that you're the bad guy. I've been there, many years ago. I bet my bottom dollar that this isn't the only thing he does that makes you feel like shit, is it?

PatriciaBateman · 04/03/2020 20:34

My DH did this to me until I was at the point mentally of coming to terms with divorcing him.

Then I realised that if I was going to divorce him anyway, I might as well let him start having both barrels, as I had nothing to lose. I also thought it might help me to practice being more assertive for the next relationship.

As soon as I didn't hold back and told him, without mincing my words, that it was completely unacceptable and I wouldn't tolerate it - he swiftly changed his behaviour. He doesn't do this to me any more.

It saved our marriage, but more importantly, it taught me to defend myself with all the fury that I would defend anyone I loved (children, etc.) You have worth and count as a person with your own feelings. Protect you!

PatriciaBateman · 04/03/2020 20:36

I say "told him". This actually involved very raised voices (kids not present), and copious use of words like "man-child" and "get your act together".

I never, ever spoke to him like this before, and I'm not proud of it, but it was a genuine outpouring of all the rage and resentment I'd been allowing to bubble away inside myself without expressing it.

When I finally did let rip, it was like lancing a boil in our marriage. Toxic and ugly for a few moments, but a lot of healing afterward.

k1233 · 04/03/2020 20:37

Set out clearly your expectations going forward. You recognise he needs space to process arguments but weeks on end is inappropriate and abusive. (To be honest, the emails he sends whilst not talking sound pretty vile). If he wants your relationship to continue, going forward you expect his behaviour to change. You will give him till the next morning to get over any disagreement and then you expect him to either discuss with you rationally or move on. There will be no more ignoring the entire family. If he can't do that then you will need to leave the relationship.

In future if he tells you to get on your knees to say thank you - remember you have teeth and do not be afraid to use them. I've found that very clearly gets the message across - usually followed up with don't you ever say that to me again!

WelcomeToTheMountaintop · 04/03/2020 21:50

He will want 50/50. He’s already said so.

They ALL say that. Look,how well it’s working on you. Absolute gift of a statement. He just has to say that and you’re scurrying around doing his bidding.

6 months after a split, I’ll bet hes not so keen. Especially when he realises it means you get to have a social life when he has the kinds.

tenlittlecygnets · 04/03/2020 21:54

the last week long silence was because a long term male friend (many many years) had given me an inexpensive funny gift

So not even something you had done, yet he ignored you for a week? What did he do to his friend?

He's abusive. Sounds vile.

You can't change him.

But you can protect your dc from him.

Movinghouseatlast · 04/03/2020 21:59

This is abuse.

My dad did this when I was a child. It has scarred me even though it was aimed at my mum.

I have had YEARS of therapy. When he died I would have danced on his grave.

Please, please get out.

Anotheruser02 · 04/03/2020 22:19

My ex did this, it taught me to never question him. I so wish I'd just packed a bag during one of his absences.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2020 22:33

Your children are being damaged far more severely growing up in this toxic environment that they will ever be than if you divorce. Even if you take them and go back to your family, that will still be much less damaging than what they're seeing and feeling now.

And don't think for a moment that they don't see and hear a hell of a lot more than you think they do!

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2020 22:34

Another thing to remember is that when your children are 'old enough' he will use the same tactics on them.

pumpkinbump · 04/03/2020 22:47

It's a form of control and abuse.

hellcarryingahandbag · 04/03/2020 23:11

He completely shuts himself away. No sleeping together. No touching. Nothing

You sound completely obsessed with him. Hmm

Moomin8 · 04/03/2020 23:12

The silent treatment is actually a form of abuse.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/03/2020 23:25

Common courtesy plays a big role in happy marriages. People who are permanently married are polite to one another. They don't want to hurt one another's feelings, and they don't try to make the other one feel humiliated. People who are married for life are extremely kind to one another.

That's a quote from a famous psychiatrist called Frank Pittman. And it is true of all the stable, happy marriages in my family (parents, brothers and stepdaughter).

Probablysue I really wouldn't put up with this abuse. It's cruel. It's destructive. And it sets a dreadful example to your DC.