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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the silent treatment is cruel?

245 replies

probablysue · 04/03/2020 13:51

I’d like some opinions on this please.
AIBU in asking my DH to stop giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment every time we argue? His view is that it’s his way of dealing and it’s down to him to decide if that’s ok or not and it’s not punishment but my view is different. Ok to take a few hours out, a day but his silent treatments are lasting up to a week in length. During that time he checks out of childcare and it’s impossible to live life normally. He walks out of a room when I walk in etc. Even if I apologise and I have to email that because I can’t physically talk to him, it still doesn’t end the cold shouldering. My view is that people argue, you don’t always agree but you carry on living while you discuss your issues. He completely shuts himself away. No sleeping together. No touching. Nothing. How on earth am I supposed to deal with it? It leads to no conflict resolution although if it’s him being snappy/argue starting then I’ll accept his apology and hug it out and we move on with our day. I believe the silent treatment is punishment, he disagrees and says it’s self protection. AIBU?

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 04/03/2020 17:13

He made you kneel to thank him for finding something? As a pp said, that made my blood run cold. And it will only escalate. It sounds like any day now his demands will get more intense, if they haven't already. You only speak to him in a certain way. You only speak about certain things. You agree not to ever do others. All of which, if you told anyone else, you'd realise are completely unacceptable.

You're not going to make big decisions off the bank of a thread on the internet. I get that. But I do beg you to really think about this. Start telling people - when you're on the school run, feel free when asked how DH is to casually say, "Oh, I'm not sure - he's giving me the silent treatment because an old friend gave me a gift." Tell your parents you are coming for a visit because it's so unpleasant at home. Arrange a night out with your girlfriends and let them know. I promise you, you'll quickly find that most people will be horrified.

And then you can start thinking about what to do next. Because, I repeat, your children are suffering and it will only get worse.

TorkTorkBam · 04/03/2020 17:14

Why are you even considering leaving without the children?

How old are they?

Call Women's Aid for advice.

The fastest exit would be for you to get a little place of your own in secret then move out in secret with the children.

longtimelurkerhelen · 04/03/2020 17:28

Does he also ignore the children when he is in a sulk? Do you really think he will want to have the children if you split? From the sounds of it, he probably wouldn’t want the trouble of actually looking after them for any amount of time.

Please call Women’s Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/

Read Why does he do that, just google the pdf it’s free online.

Do the Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You don’t have to live this way.

Whichever way you frame your disagreements will not matter, he is not interested in a resolution. He is doing it to punish you and hopefully train you not to disagree with him. He is an abuser.

timetest · 04/03/2020 17:38

Do you really want your children to think this is a normal relationship? Why do you think you would lose the children if the relationship ended?

CorianderLord · 04/03/2020 17:45

@probablysue has anyone who is abusing someone ever admitted it or said 'of yourself I'm doing it to control you'.

He's not protecting himself, and if he thinks that he's very self obsessed, he's abusing you. Safe from WHAT? A conversation? He's GAS LIGHTING YOU. He's maki you believe that YOURE the abuser so you don't tell people that he is the abuser.

He just wants you to shut the fuck up and let him do what he wants.

When you said he told you to get down on your knees to thank him..., why would you want to be with such a nasty horrible creature? He fucking HATES you.

Make him leave... call the police if you need to and show them the horrible emails.

Desertislanddiscs · 04/03/2020 17:45

I grew up with my father repeatedly doing this for up 8 weeks at a time - ignoring us all, apart from the dog. Horrid, abusive behaviour. Please find support and leave.

TheBlueStocking · 04/03/2020 17:46

From your description, it sounds like you are running around trying to resolve his tantrums.

If you are determined to stay with him, I think you need to outlast the temptation to make up with him. Don't get emotional. Don't try to reason with him. Just repeat your point of view and say it's up to him whether to accept it or not. You are still in the right whether he accepts it or not.

But frankly, I think he needs counselling because his behaviour sounds like it's stemmed from a personality disorder.

myidentitymycrisis · 04/03/2020 18:12

@DimplesToadfoot

This thread is deadly serious and resonates with me a lot, but your post really made me laugh out loud.

I'm now wishing my DP would leave me a note!

pointythings · 04/03/2020 18:18

I echo the poster who asked why you would even consider leaving without your children. The whole point is that they are currently living in a toxic and damaging family environment. You really need to start working towards getting out. I second suggesting telling people openly when he's in one of his sulks - their reaction will tell you that you have allies and that it's not you, it's him.

Original poster
probablysue · 04/03/2020 18:43

I would never leave without the kids but I now face a future of split Xmas etc and weekends without them. I do everything for them. It destroys me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/03/2020 18:46

I doubt he will want them anywhere near 50:50!

IceColdCat · 04/03/2020 18:51

He sounds hideous OP.

Original poster
probablysue · 04/03/2020 18:54

He will want 50/50. He’s already said so. He’d rather disrupt them to please himself. Only thinks about himself and his own needs.

OP posts:
CorianderLord · 04/03/2020 18:56

Well if you can prove emotional abuse he's unlikely to get 50/50. EOW maybe

RandomMess · 04/03/2020 18:56

It's another bullying tactic to stop you leaving.

I strongly recommend speaking to WA and leaving via a refuge and letting them help you ensure that you remain with the majority of the DC care to protect them.

He is abusive and cruel and it will get worse if he thinks you are going to leave.

TorkTorkBam · 04/03/2020 19:01

I thought you said he frequently ignores the children for days at a time to punish you?

Sure he will say he wants 50:50. He might even try for a few weeks. Do you actually believe he will stick with 50% of solo child care himself?

pointythings · 04/03/2020 19:03

Thing is, OP - right now he basically has them 100% of the time.

Do you really see him making the kind of sacrifices needed for him to do 50/50?

madcatladyforever · 04/03/2020 19:04

that is absolurtely pathetic, can you ever opt out of childcare.
it is emotional abuse. /My exH did this all the time and it totally killed my marriage.
A marriage cannot survive this - you need to tell him this.
It isn't self preservation when he opts out of looking after his own children ff's.

spongejack · 04/03/2020 19:11

My DH used to do this, he'd do it when he was in the wrong. One weekend (after a week
Of silence) I tried to talk to him Friday night, he ignored me, I then tried Saturday morning and again it was no, i then tried Sunday morning and again it was no,..., i completely demeaned myself, I felt awful and he'd caused it all. It led to a shift in my behaviour and I actually just stopped even trying, it wasn't in me anymore to try, I felt nothing but disgust with him.

He then seemed to realise that I was never going to try again and he approached me, I let out a tirade of anger that I'd never felt before and I'm afraid I probably went too far but I was so angry, so demeaned, so saddened that he treated me that way. Previously like you I'd tried everything to resolve things but it had fallen on deaf ears.

I told him and meant it, that is never ever make the first move (when he was in the wrong) or try more than once (if I was in the wrong) to talk again.

It was awful, but it worked!

CheekyMango · 04/03/2020 19:13

It's bullying full stop and emotional abuse, albeit mild but if it's often it's not mild....

Darbs76 · 04/03/2020 19:13

Sounds just like my situation with my ex (we split 9yrs ago). One of his silences went on 6wks. I couldn’t take his childish silences once they started on my teenage son (not his child). That was the end of it. Don’t put up with it, it’s horrible and it’s not acceptable

billybagpuss · 04/03/2020 19:19

He won’t want the kids, you’ve already said you do everything, with the emails you have evidence of his behaviour, it is unlikely he will get much at all.

Take things one step at a time and follow the advice about women’s aid and the freedom program.

How often does he do the silent treatment

IndieTara · 04/03/2020 19:23

Op please take on board the advice PP are giving you

mbosnz · 04/03/2020 19:25

He threatens you with 50:50 because he knows that would be your worst nightmare. It's just another stick to beat you with, a way to ensure that you will stick around no matter how abusive he gets. And make no mistake he is abusive.

In reality, if he so easily abdicates childcare, he'd be far more likely to become yet another MIA Dad, (while no doubt saying that you prevent him seeing his kids).

Sertchgi123 · 04/03/2020 19:29

It's a dreadful way of treating you. It's a form of abuse. LTB