To not want my parents going to my ex's wedding

[TequilaMonster]

Hi,

A bit of background- ex and I broke up for 7 years ago. We have a teenage DC together, so obviously have regular contact. I'm married and obviously, he's about to be.

The split was messy, but soon amicable, purely for the sake of our DC, but it's been tough.

We had a very volatile relationship. Argued a lot and I don't think either of us respected the other. Ex was often very aggressive towards me and would quite regularly scream and shout in my face. My parents witnessed some of this and even had to intervene at times.

He has some good qualities, yes, but they know he didn't treat me well and to be perfectly honest, hasn't been the best dad either.

Really struggled to get CM out of him for the first couple of years, even though he was taking gf number 103 on swanky holidays and buying himself designer clothes. He would quite often call me on the one day he had DC and ask if he could bring them back early, because he's run out of things to do 🙄 And sometimes would turn up to collect DC with a hangover/still drunk and I'd have to turn him away. They know all this. I was living with them at the time.

Anyway, he still lives quite close to my parents and will sometimes do work for them round the house- he's a builder. Not only that, but my dad will go out for the occasional pint with him (doesn't ask my now DP who treats me 100 times better)and my mum insists on talking about him in front of my DP, at length, as though he's part of the family. Of course he's DC's dad, but that's it.

So to cut a very long story slightly less long, he's sent them a wedding invitation and they've accepted.

I'm very uncomfortable with this, as you'd think they would be! I don't know why they have so much loyalty for him. My dad had to pull him off from me once!

They know I think them going is inappropriate, but we haven't had the full blown conversation yet. I've been told by another family member fo expect my mum not to budge on her decision and it's making me really angry.

Also, I very much doubt his soon to be wife, will want his ex's parents there!

Thoughts please? I'm preparing myself for the awkward conversation, so opinions and advice very much welcome.

TIA

@Jellybeansincognito you may offer your home up as a place of support to your adult children following an abusive relationship, but if you have not shown them loyalty at a crucial time, then it won't feel like the support place you believe you would be offering them.

It's not that hard to understand

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I simply can't imagine what is going through your parents' heads. How can they justify this? No wonder so many men think they can behave appallingly and not get censored for it!

My adult DD was in an abusive relationship and DH and I did everything we could to support her to get away from him. I still entertain fantasies of retribution when I can't sleep at three in the morning. No way in hell would we ever say anything other 'go fuck yourself' if he tried to contact us.

FFS @Jellybeansincognito you are hijacking this thread. You say, you are lovely and supportive. You shouldn't be supportive of an abuser. Least of all your own dc's abuser. Of course you may find yourself in a situation, where you have to be civil for your dgc sake, but that has nothing to do with cultivating a relationship.

Being civil = saying hello, nice weather, goodbye
Being friends = going to the pub together, going to someone's wedding, hanging out.

This isn't worded very well, but here goes. It almost perpetuates the abusive behaviour a little, keeping this sort of connection going through your parents. Even sabotaging / compromising /affecting your parents care and loyalty to you. You are divorced so he is not part of their family anymore.

Maybe they could see that the bride to be has her own parents to pull him off her if needs be and could give them some tips. Also, tell the bride to be to make sure she keeps a record of the money and to put some by as he won't step up voluntarily for child maintenance.

I'm sure her parents would be amazed if the same things happened to their daughter in the future and your parents were best buddies at the ex's next wedding with ne'er a word despite it. It is serious stuff, not nothing.

I would be very hurt by this. I think it's telling that they are less warm to the new husband, they have clearly picked a "side".

I'm not sure that I would care why they were behaving like this, it would be the end of any relationship they had with me. Sadly, it's also exactly the behaviour I would have expected from my parents if I had ever got divorced.

Even if they like him, and he is useful to them, they still should have thought about how this would look to their daughter, and how it would make her feel. So either they didn't consider her feelings, or they did but didn't care.

I am lovely, nice supportive person
As a rule, I am inclined to disbelieve anyone who tells me this rather than showing me. See also people telling you how good at their job they are.

No you aren't been at all unreasonable. I can't imagine anyone hurting my DDs and then wanting to attend their wedding- it is very odd. Maybe you need to explain how you feel to them and hear what they have to say? Even he hadn't been a twat I still think I'd feel a bit 'ick' at thought of my DPs going to my Ex's wedding but I appreciate that's just me.

And you definitely don't sound angry or jealous to me (as a PP has suggested) just disappointed.

TequilaMonster, please don't be hurt by some of the comments on here. I don't think anyone could seriously imagine you're jealous of his GFs and designer clothes.

I'm not surprised you feel hurt by your parents' attitude. If either of my parents had seen a man assaulting me they would have brained him with a brick refused to let him into their house, never mind going out for drinks with him. There's a huge difference between being civil for the grandchild's sake, which is fair enough, and going to his wedding!

Perhaps you could ask one of your parents (not both together) if they realise how much this is hurting you. If the relative who told you your Mum will refuse to turn down the wedding invitation is right, there is something serious there that you need to talk about.

So he was aggressive to you in front of them, treated their grandkids like shit and they want to raise a glass to him?
My parents saw me through a similarly volatile time and wouldn't even piss on my ex if he was ablaze.

@ TheYearOfTheDog they have supported OP. Op is very close to her parents.

The situation as it stands to me- OPs parents use him for cheap, trusted labour- go for the odd pint, remain amicable.

Op is also amicable with her ex.

I’m not agreeing with the abuse she suffered, or condoning it.
I just don’t think this is that bad.

If they were treating him as a son in law still, buying him gifts, inviting him round for Xmas dinner- then yes. Goodness, that would be awful.

The odd pint, paired with them using him as a source of work and pints paired with that just sound like acquaintances.
They’re not really going out of their way for him.

They’ve probably acceptable because ops dc will be there too.

Who knows!
I just don’t necessarily think ops parents should have their pitchforks out or that their behaviour means they’re downplaying the past.

It's okay that they are in contact with him, afterall he is the father of their granddaughter.

But I find your dad having a pint with him too personal. Like he has forgotten what a horrible man your ex has been, or that he's downplayed it.

Accepting the invitation to his wedding is basically twisting the knife in a wound that already exists.

This may be as simple, and shameful, as your parents wanting to keep in with your ex because he does work on their house cheaply or free of charge. I don't know if he's a good builder, or if he does give them special rates.

I am sorry they're hurting you like this, OP. I hope you have better friends around.

Some people on here are in another level, jealous? Is that really what comes across from the OP's post, I don't think so.

It's ridiculous that they ask him to do building work, also that your dad goes for a pint with him and it's disgusting that your mum talks about him in from of your DH and that's all before they attend his wedding!

My opinion is that you have a firm word with your parents, don't even let them respond just tell them how hurt you are that they're supporting someone who was abusive to their daughter.

I would also be nipping it in the bud when your mum mentions him in front of your new DH "oh are you talking about my ex H who dad had to pull off me again" "are you talking about my abusive ex H again?" "Oh yeah and the time where he chose not to pay a penny for the kids and would turn up drunk" follow it up with "I'm not sure we need to keep going on about him, especially in front of DH who is the complete opposite of all that" make her feel embarrassed as she should be absolutely ashamed of herself.

I think your parents are horrible, if you're close have you ever mentioned how their behaviour makes you feel? How does your DH feel about how they treat him?

I wouldn't like and would consider it pretty disloyal considering how he treated their daughter. Actually I'd find the going out for pints with him and getting him to do work in their house even worse than the wedding

And I agree, the pints, the building work and especially the talk in front of DP are worse than the wedding invite.

Why is your mother mentioning him in front of your dh.
I would be very much lowering contact after all he was a twat when he was with you and after

I'm not agreeing with the abuse she suffered, or condoning it.
I just don’t think this is that bad.

The abuse wasn't that bad? Is that what you're saying?

You should have posted this in relationships, AIBU seems to be full of people saying well of course he set you on fire, and he may have lopped off your leg, but this isn't about you.

YANBU and it would make me re-think my entire relationship with my parents. That, even after physically pulling my ex off of me that they would continue to even acknowledge him in the street let alone socialise with him and go to his wedding.

I would wonder how much information about my life they are feeding to him and I would be going low contact. I couldn't forgive this.

@Waspnest, well they don't like it. I have brought it up several times.

It was that half of one, six a dozen of the other narrative that made me feel like I was withering away after I left my x.
Luckily I was able to just delete anybody who ''didn't want to get involved''.

I get that mutual acquaintances owe you very little, but if you claim to care about somebody you have to show them loyalty when they need it or your lack of loyalty will cause them huge distress. It erodes them even more than the original abuse, because it's like saying ''I know you, I know him, and what he did to you, that doesn't matter''. That erodes a person. And if that erosion is offered up from a parent, under the guise of ''love'' it is toxic gaslighting.

The logical part of me says that they have clearly developed a relationship independent of you and actually get on and enjoy each other's company.

That's nice.

However. The majority of my brain says fuck that for a laugh and I'd be fuming and feel seriously stabbed in the back.

YANBU this is very strange and I would feel my parents were being very disloyal. I assume though your DD is going to be at or in the wedding? If so it might be nice for her to have her grandparents there. So try and see that positive as it is literally the only one! And it's their choice if they want to go but I think it's insensitive of them. Do something extra specially lovely with your DH on the day to take your mind off it

In case I wasn't clear i 100% believe YANBU at all.

Your parents behaviour op.
Not your abuse.

Something like that would drag me toward depression.