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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want my parents going to my ex's wedding

233 replies

TequilaMonster · 04/03/2020 12:46

Hi,

A bit of background- ex and I broke up for 7 years ago. We have a teenage DC together, so obviously have regular contact. I'm married and obviously, he's about to be.

The split was messy, but soon amicable, purely for the sake of our DC, but it's been tough.

We had a very volatile relationship. Argued a lot and I don't think either of us respected the other. Ex was often very aggressive towards me and would quite regularly scream and shout in my face. My parents witnessed some of this and even had to intervene at times.

He has some good qualities, yes, but they know he didn't treat me well and to be perfectly honest, hasn't been the best dad either.

Really struggled to get CM out of him for the first couple of years, even though he was taking gf number 103 on swanky holidays and buying himself designer clothes. He would quite often call me on the one day he had DC and ask if he could bring them back early, because he's run out of things to do 🙄 And sometimes would turn up to collect DC with a hangover/still drunk and I'd have to turn him away. They know all this. I was living with them at the time.

Anyway, he still lives quite close to my parents and will sometimes do work for them round the house- he's a builder. Not only that, but my dad will go out for the occasional pint with him (doesn't ask my now DP who treats me 100 times better)and my mum insists on talking about him in front of my DP, at length, as though he's part of the family. Of course he's DC's dad, but that's it.

So to cut a very long story slightly less long, he's sent them a wedding invitation and they've accepted.

I'm very uncomfortable with this, as you'd think they would be! I don't know why they have so much loyalty for him. My dad had to pull him off from me once!

They know I think them going is inappropriate, but we haven't had the full blown conversation yet. I've been told by another family member fo expect my mum not to budge on her decision and it's making me really angry.

Also, I very much doubt his soon to be wife, will want his ex's parents there!

Thoughts please? I'm preparing myself for the awkward conversation, so opinions and advice very much welcome.

TIA

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 04/03/2020 16:24

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I do think focusing on them attending the wedding is a distraction. They are letting you down with the close relationship they have with him and, especially, with talking about him in front of you and your DP.

I would start calling them on that - tell them outright every time they mention him that you don't want them singing the praises of a man who treated you and your children badly and if they want to talk about him wait until you are gone. Tell them outright, everytime, that you think it's disgusting that they will buddy up with someone who treated their daughter the way he did and you are tired of smoothing it over as though it doesn't matter. Tell them every time that they have let you down in this regard. (Though you may need to pull your punches a little and use anther tactic, like leaving, if DC are in hearing distance).

It might not make much of a difference to whether they will go to his wedding or not, but it may start to bring it home to them that he really wasn't a nice man and he wasn't (isn't?) a good father. And it should get them to at least stop mentioning him to you so often.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/03/2020 16:25

However. The majority of my brain says fuck that for a laugh and I'd be fuming and feel seriously stabbed in the back.

Yeah 100%, if anyone treated either of my 2 kids the way that man treated the op, I'd want his blood, not a pint with him. I understand their grandchild is involved in this but you can be civil for her sake yet stay loyal to your child

dottiedodah · 04/03/2020 16:25

I think this is well out of order TBH! I cant understand why they are so keen on this guy when he treated you like crap! I can only think for DC in case it comes back that they have a problem with him or something!.It seems odd to me ,also why is DF going for drinks with him ? If you are close to DM then I would have to ask her outright what the hell is going on here !

TheYearOfTheDog · 04/03/2020 16:26

@Jellybeansincognito you are pushing water uphill trying to present this as ok or mature.

Waspnest · 04/03/2020 16:28

Well if you've spoken to them and nothing has changed I guess all you can do is either go lower/no contact with them or be straight i.e. if they want to talk about the wedding or start talking about your ex just say 'can we change the subject please, this makes me very uncomfortable' and if they carry on just walk out. I don't think they're taking your feelings seriously and actions do often speak louder than words.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 04/03/2020 16:28

I don't think you are unreasonable but your parents know more than side to him and have obviously forgiven him for hurting you..

It’s not their place, to forgive him for abusing their daughter! How ridiculous! The only person who has the right to FORGIVE an abuser, is the victim.

Guiltypleasures001 · 04/03/2020 16:28

Hi op

What stands out for me is the pre emptied comment from another family member who has said your mum won't be swayed from this decision

It sounds like there's been a convo already about your possible reaction
And they have said we don't care basically

For comparisons sake my dad beat the utter shit out of my ex husband
For what he did to me..others might think that over kill, but sometimes you have to walk a mile in someone's shoes first before you judge

I'm troubled by your parents accepting a wedding invite, I can't imagine how you feel

Unless they considered the marriage both your faults

SewItGoes · 04/03/2020 16:28

YANBU. It's very strange of them to be so cosy with him, considering how he's mistreated you and that he's been a less than stellar father to their grandchild. I would expect them to be civil to him, but no more than that.

I'd probably write out what I wanted to say and try to rehearse it so that I'd be less likely to be derailed by emotions in the heat of the moment. The gist would be that you feel uncomfortable with their continued closeness to him, in the face of his past bad behaviour. It feels disloyal to you. Have they forgotten how he treated you and your child? Would they be willing to prioritise your feelings over whatever they'd get from going to this wedding?

Sadly, it does seem likely that they'll try to sweep it under the rug and want to go anyway, for whatever reason. If your relationship with them is otherwise good, I'd probably try to ignore their dealings with him, but I know it can't be easy. The fact that they know it bothers you and still do it must be very hurtful. You should matter enough for them to keep their distance from him, even if they bizarrely can't see the problem themselves.

1forAll74 · 04/03/2020 16:28

This will all seem hurtful for you after past behaviour from your ex,but your parents have a different take on things.so you should just accept their decisions about going to this wedding.

slipperywhensparticus · 04/03/2020 16:31

If they talk about your ex can you change the subject? Like if they know of any cheap manure or something else random

MuddlingMackem · 04/03/2020 16:36

YANBU, but sadly, from what I've read on here from posters who've been the victim of abuse yet found they're the ones ostracised whilst the abuser retains popularity and support, your parents' behaviour is hardly unheard of.

However, it's still absolutely appalling, and it would be totally understandable if you feel you can't be around them that much for the forseeable. And of course, if they ever ask you for support or assistance tell them to redirect their requests to golden boy as he seems to matter more them. I'd be absolutely fuming in your shoes.

MrsBeeluga · 04/03/2020 16:38

so you should just accept their decisions about going to this wedding

I'm so much less forgiving. To the above i would add 'and I have noted where your priorities lie and will act accordingly'.

Btw do you have any siblings OP? What is their take on this and on your parents?

Noconceptofnormal · 04/03/2020 16:43

I think this is the irritating thing with people with useful skills like builders, I imagine your parents have been willing to overlook all of this as he's a handy bloke to know and they obviously can't be arsed to find someone else to do their household tasks.

I would struggle to forgive this even if they decide not to go after you talking to them.

The only thing I can think is maybe they think it is better for your children if they're there so they have representation from your side. Would your children be happier if they were there? If so maybe it is better to grin and bare it.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 04/03/2020 16:44

@MrsBeeluga I agree.
I am not know for my rationality.

I would seriously tell them that if they go to that wedding to delete my number and never contact me again.

They can go through him for any relationship with their grandchildren.

AlphaIndigo · 04/03/2020 16:44

YANBU. This sounds awful. One of the pp who suggested writing a letter to explain how hurtful this is to you might be the way forward if you feel you can't discuss it.

SpillTheTea · 04/03/2020 16:46

How is the backstory irrelevant? It's pretty shit of them to want to spend time with someone who abused their daughter. There's something wrong with them.

Apolloanddaphne · 04/03/2020 16:52

It's not so unusual. Me and my family family including my parents went to the wedding of my brothers ex wife. We have kept very close to her since they split up. Whatever my DB thought of this we will never know as he never commented. Your parents can choose to go to wherever wedding they want to.

MrsBeeluga · 04/03/2020 16:54

itsallthedrama i wouldn't necessarily ask them to loose my number Grin, but I would definitely have a frosty relationship with family that didn't have my back.

DishingOutDone · 04/03/2020 16:56

I think we are all, almost to a man as the saying goes, pretty clear that the OP is completely reasonable in being upset. There are a few gainsayers, and one in particular has an agenda - I hope if we stop replying to that person and if the OP can grit her teeth and not respond then they will get bored and stop posting.

(Although I think what they will actually do is find another thread they can make all about them Angry )

Original poster
TequilaMonster · 04/03/2020 16:56

@MrsBeeluga, yes I do and they agree that it's not really on. At the same time, I think they're worried about taking sides, so it's more a "hmm I do get where you're coming from" sort of agreement.

OP posts:
itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 04/03/2020 16:57

How can there even be a question of sides?!
He was nothing to them before becoming your husband.

Original poster
TequilaMonster · 04/03/2020 16:58

@Apolloanddaphne, have you actually read my OP or just the title?

OP posts:
pallisers · 04/03/2020 16:59

Was your ex SIL abusive to your brother, Apollo? Did she leave him with the children and without child maintenance? Did she turn up drunk to collect her children? If so, I think you and your family are very unreasonable and your brother probably thinks very little of you. If not, then how is this relevant to the OP.

Apolloanddaphne · 04/03/2020 17:00

He left her and their DD for another woman.

Teapot13 · 04/03/2020 17:04

This is disloyal. I would have a hard time getting past this. The only way it would be appropriate is if they said they felt obligated to go so GC has someone he/she knows at the wedding.