Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

He can do his bloody emails when the children have been fed and are in bed. There will probably still be several hours of free time in the evening - but no, he needs to relax exactly when there is the most to do, and is ready to 'help' once the wife has already done everything. Convenient.

All the women I know who have to do work in the evenings do it after the children are in bed. I’m sure they would love to get it done earlier but it’s just often not realistic with small children. I’m not sure why a man’s work would be any different

Maybe it depends on what time you get in from work, what time the children go to bed, what else needs doing in the evenings before bed... Lots of variables that might mean doing it later isn't really feasible.

If he doesn't get in until 7pm, then they dinner needs to be cooked and eaten, children bathed and put to bed and he needs to be up again at 6am to go to work I can understand him not wanting to be answering work emails at 9pm.

On the other hand, if he gets in at 5pm and dinner is ready and kids in bed by 6.30pm well then, yes, they could be done then.

“ I can understand him not wanting to be answering work emails at 9pm.”

Likewise. I don’t like having to either, and nor does my husband. But with small children maybe what you want doesn’t come first and for these few years of your life you help your family out at the time that they need you to. The OP has a toddler and a newborn - they aren’t going to be this dependent forever. My son wants to play and cuddle whichever of us has been at work all day as soon as he sees us, so that’s what we do. If we need the loo or to change, he follows us.

I think working full time, plus extra hours is putting your family's needs before your own wants. Maybe the husband would actually like to be at home more, spending time with his children, rather than out at work.

I was lucky enough to be a SAHM because I didn't want to spend all day away from.my children and I was incredibly grateful that my DH was prepared to work longer hours, plus overtime on his day off, to facilitate this. Given that he made that sacrifice letting him have half an hour when he got in to get himself together doesn't seem much to.ask.

I didn't find being at home with the children hard work or stressful. I absolutely do find being at work stressful because I have no flexibility or ability to suit myself and that's what I really enjoyed when I was a SAHM so I can empathise with the DH here in that I find going out to work far more difficult than being a SAHM. I suppose for those that find going out to work easier they'll be empathising with the op.

I think working full time, plus extra hours is putting your family's needs before your own wants.

LOL, like nobody gets any satisfaction from having a job, or appreciation from a manager or colleagues, or any sort of a thrill from seeing your paycheque, and the prospect of a promotion isn't a motivation to keep on showing up and putting in enthusiastic effort at all.

Meanwhile, a wife at home with a baby and toddler wipes shit off small butts several times a day, gets puked on, and is up several times a night feeding the baby with no thanks or appreciation, just a not-so-subtle put-down every evening when her H gets in from his job that is so important that he needs a full half an hour to recover.

Oh yes, being in paid work is so unimportant. Maybe he should give up then, you know, if it's so unimportant? See how they get on with no money.
@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

I never said paid work is "unimportant".

What I suggested was that it isn't necessary to wave your paid work in front of your frazzled wife's face. By doing so the H is telling her that he feels it is more important than supporting her in parenting once he gets home.

What I said was that his display of focus on his work was ostentatious - and designed to send her a message about the low value he placed on her work.

He can put his family first via putting in the extra time after small children have gone to bed. That is what the vast majority of working parents are doing.

“ I didn't find being at home with the children hard work or stressful. I absolutely do find being at work stressful because I have no flexibility or ability to suit myself and that's what I really enjoyed when I was a SAHM so I can empathise with the DH here in that I find going out to work far more difficult than being a SAHM.”

By this logic, he shouldn’t be needing his half hour of time to himself, he should be desperate to spend time with his children as it’s so relaxing. Make your mind up.

All the women I know who have to do work in the evenings do it after the children are in bed

Exactly. I'm sure most working mothers would also love to have a nice relaxing break straight after work.

By this logic, he shouldn’t be needing his half hour of time to himself, he should be desperate to spend time with his children as it’s so relaxing. Make your mind up.

Maybe he is desperate to spend time with them, but also is under pressure to complete his work and send the emails or risk consequences at work.

I just think it's ludicrous to accuse anyone who is working hard, and doing overtime in order to be the sole earner in a family, of being ostentatious, not supporting his wife, or not valuing the role that she does.

By the same token, you could argue that his wife doesn't value his contribution to the family and is ostentatiously waving her role in his face.

It's mad. Both of them are working hard in their respective roles to support their family. Both of them deserve some down time in order to recharge. I don't know when the op particularly gets her time, but I know when I was a SAHM that I had opportunities throughout the day - when they slept, when I saw friends or family, when I went to the gym, in the evening when they were in bed. Now, maybe the op has no similar opportunities, or maybe she does. If she does, then get husband deserves some down time too and if literally all that he is getting in the day is 30 minutes when he gets in, then I don't see the big deal.

it's not about 30 minutes, it's when he takes those 30 minutes. OP says she does everything else, so does not sound like he spends all his evenings doing housework, he can relax later.

I work and have young children - we need to have everybody dressed and fed and out of the house by 7:45, so personally I would not declare at 7:15 that now I need my half an hour relaxation time before work.

Similarly, OPs DH probably gets home just in the middle of newborn's witching hour and when the toddler is close to bedtime, hungry and tired and cranky. Leaving your wife to cook dinner and mind the children because she might have had a bit of a break while the baby napped during the day (and what she probably used to do housework) still does not sound fair to me.

I feel quite strongly about this. Home should be a sanctuary. Not just for the children but for both parents. Mentally, being outside the home with people coming at you and requiring often instant responses and decisions all day is totally exhausting. It's also anxiety inducing, stressful and depressing for most. Not many jobs are low contact and low stress. Then you have a commute home, again, no down time during that. Working nowadays, whether it's retail, corporate, or whatever, is generally not the same as it was even 20 years ago. Work loads and targets are higher, stability lower, competitiveness spills out into all sorts of daily occurences and interractions, and unbiased respect for eachother is non existent (as an expectation). It's not the same as being a sahp and quite frankly if you want to make a sweeping statement then factually it's incomparable. 30 mins to unwind after getting home from work should be respected (dared to say the word for a man!! But it's for whoever is out all day, not specifically a man). It's self preservation for the worker and the home. Nothing to do with being a 'silly 50's housewife' pandering to a 'man's needs'. And why go on the attack, as if to mock the husband? Would you like to be on call all day from people who will give you real things to worry about if you dont jump when they clap? Familiarity breeds contempt and I think this is the root cause of what drives people to write these types of posts, but give me that over real pressure any day!!

DruryLanePenance
I agree with you 100%.

GoatCheeseTart

The thing is that we don't know what time the DH gets in, nor what time he leaves in the morning, nor when he works overtime or for how long.

We live a 2 hour commute from London and many people that I know do this daily. If they work a 9-5 (but it's usually more hours than this) their standard day is 7 - 7. That's just basic hours, no overtime and no slack built in to allow for train delays etc and allowing no journey time to and from the station either.

So, here, dad would be walking in through the door at gone 7pm. He's then straight into helping with kids, baths, bedtime eating dinner which brings us to what? 9ish? Then he's got to sit down and do his half an hour of work e mails before it's getting nearly time to go to bed.

Start factoring in him needing to get to work before 9am and not being able to leave dead on 5pm, having to travel to and from the station plus overtime and you can see how any down time in the evening has gone completely.

If I then compare that to my time as a SAHM, where I suited myself every single day, went out for days with family and friends, met people for lunch or coffee, met up for play dates, visited grand parents, stayed in for duvet days if I wanted to - I cannot say that I didn't get lots of opportunities to re charge my batteries, have down time, enjoy my life. Was I busy with the children? Yes. Was it demanding or stressful? No.

You'll never get a definitive answer to this OP, but my advice would be talk to him about it in a way that makes the situation nobody's fault. Don't let this issue spoil your enjoyment of each other in the evenings even if you always think he's wrong. In my experience nothing good comes from 'having a go' at men about these issues. Far more productive to frame it as a problem to solve; eg I hate that bit of the day when we're both naked and the kids are needy. I hate that we both end up resentful. I wish there was a way we could smooth it for all of us.' Make it so neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want, it's just a puzzle for the two of you to solve, Iyswim.

drury talks a lot of sense.

He's then straight into helping with kids, baths, bedtime eating dinner which brings us to what? 9ish? Then he's got to sit down and do his half an hour of work e mails

yes, sounds about right to me. Although the DH in question does not actually do bath and bedtimes, OP does. And I don't think it's such a chore to eat the dinner someone else has prepared and will clean up. OP does everything else, the DH is not spending the evening doing chores. All she wants that he holds one of his children so she can do the rest.

And yes as many people have said, of course it would be lovely to have nice relaxation breaks, but for most parents of young children, their needs decide when those breaks are possible.

When dc were 2.5 we were greated like rock stars so there was no choice but to dive right in. I miss those days.

I don't think earnings reflect how stressful a job is.

DC are older, DH takes time for breakfast before he leaves the house and like time to decompress when he gets home. I get showered, dressed, put make up on and am out in 20 mins. I dive straight in when I get home but once I sit down, that's it.

I don't know how reasonable it is but I'd definitely go out and take some time to myself when I got home. Maybe not 30 mins. Experience can add a much needed perspective.

Having young children is exhausting.

Drury, I see your point but what if both parents work, they can't both rest for 30 minutes when they get home and hope someone else will deal with the kids (unless they employ someone to do this for them of course). But I suppose then it comes back to whether you class being a SAHP as work, which I know a lot of people don't. Admittedly some SAHPs might not find it stressful and overwhelming, some might. Some working parents might find their jobs very stressful and overwhelming, some might not.

Yup. Taking a 30 minute shit or fiddling eith something in his man cave were the excuses I would get. Me complaining meant I was lazy.

It's just so sad. I can't imagine coming home and ignoring my family for 30 minutes. Who does that? It's just so cold and self-involved.

But the man is at work, earning money for his family. How is that self involved?

Maybe he'd love to be at home, spending time with his family and not going to work and doing overtime. The op gets to spend time at home with her children - maybe that's being self involved.

Talk about he can't do right for doing wrong - working hard to support his family is now being ostentatious and self involved. You couldn't make this place up.

Yeah what a lazy cow, sitting there, recovering from giving birth and breastfeeding a newborn, plus doing everything else at home..

Again, only thing OP is asking that the husband holds their newborn. He can have his drink and read emails while doing it.

It's not self-involved to go to work. It's self-involved to come home and insist on "me time" as soon as you get in.

I'm a lone parent. I get in, have a quick change, feed the cats, make dinner, talk to the kids about their day, help with homework, etc. I wait until everyone is in bed before I get on my computer.

I genuinely think it's really heartless to come home and ignore your kids and wife for 30 minutes.

Mentally, being outside the home with people coming at you and requiring often instant responses and decisions all day is totally exhausting. It's also anxiety inducing, stressful and depressing for most. Not many jobs are low contact and low stress. Then you have a commute home, again, no down time during that.

Agree completely - I used to work compressed hours, so I got time home with DCs so DP could work PT, and the days home were a piece of piss compared to the days at work.

Just for balance, mentally being at home with little people coming at you and requiring often instant responses and decisions all day is totally exhausting. It can be anxiety inducing, stressful and depressing. Not many children are low contact and low stress. Then, if you're lucky, they have a nap, during which you try and clear up the mess that has been created while they were awake, so no down time during that. I'm not saying it's a competition, I'm just trying to point out that it is definitely comparable.