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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

465 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/03/2020 16:49

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 05/03/2020 08:30

She is currently providing childcare and also baby nutrition without charge, and also sorting out the baby during the night to allow him to get his beauty sleep. It might be quite a surprise to him to find out what all that costs in the real world.

Verily1 · 05/03/2020 08:36

I can see both sides- both of you need some down time- it depends how this balances out over the whole week.

Bbq1 · 05/03/2020 08:36

Baby nutrition "without charge. Fgs, she's the baby's MOTHER!

Localocal · 05/03/2020 08:39

Since your children aren't in school yet, why not plan your routine around this time? Dad comes in, makes his coffee, and sits down on the sofa. You join him with the children and settle in for a nice long feed with baby while DH reads bedtime stories with toddler. Everyone takes half an hour to relax in the sitting room together, then you do bath and bed together. Then he can play on his laptop while you do something nice on your own.

G5000 · 05/03/2020 08:50
  • OP has said he sits on his work laptop. I would guess it's rather more likely that the Dh has an office based job and is not a firefighter returning home from 12 hours at bushfires.
  • yes you can tell your teenagers that you need 15 minutes peace and quitet. Not to a newborn and toddler.
  • I'm suse many working parents andl 'need' time to relax, but most of us undertand that things need to be done first. And yes I have been the working parent with a SAHP at home. It would have been a massive pisstake if I declared I need to relax for half an hour at peak dinner-bath-bedtime.
Kelsoooo · 05/03/2020 09:40

It depends on what kind of day he's had. And me.

I choose my hours within reason, so I voluntarily start work for 745. Means I'm home for 4 on a typical day. Childcare, in the home, is until 530. So I use that 90 minutes to finish work (I can either sit in my car and do it, or lay in my bed, easy choice), have a shower, play on my phone, read etc
Then at 530 I clean/play with the kids.

He can get home any time from 4 but will take half an hour to just lay on the bed. Even if he got in later at about 6.

So we both have that down time, difference is, I'm around for his in the evening (he leaves after me in the morning).

When I was a SAHM it was largely the same and I did resent it. So I had to talk to him about it.

pipnchops · 05/03/2020 11:17

So in summary, most people seem to think OP's partner should help her out when he gets home from work because they've both had a hard day in different ways and when they're both at home they should pull together as a team to make sure their DCs needs are met.

Then there is a minority of posters, thankfully, who seem to think we're in the 1950s and that, as the OP has just been dossing around at home with a baby and a toddler all day (how hard can that be?), she should just let him get in after his hard day at the office, pass him his coffee and his pipe and slippers and leave him in peace, poor thing, while she gets the dinner ready whilst holding/feeding a newborn baby with a toddler hanging off her leg.

minipie · 05/03/2020 11:21

It would have been a massive pisstake if I declared I need to relax for half an hour at peak dinner-bath-bedtime.

Yeah this pretty much sums it up for me.

ratsel · 05/03/2020 11:59

Why has this become sahp v wohp?? If the op was also out at work all day, she wouldn’t get to come home and carry on with her work in peace as her dh is expecting to. She’d have to sort out children first, get them fed and to bed, and only then carry on working. That’s the issue surely?

OP if your dh HAS to do his work at that time for whatever reason, I think you need to count that time as time he’s still at work. So cut yourself some slack. When my third was a baby dh was out of the house 6am-6 or 7pm. The baby was a very clingy baby as well so I became an expert in throwing together meals that required only a couple of minutes of actual cooking
For example putting chicken breast/sausages/chops/fish fingers/jacket potatoes into the oven
Serving with micro rice/oven chips/microwaved new potatoes/tinned sweetcorn/frozen veg/carrot and cucumber sticks/salad from a bag. Also used the pressure/slow cooker a lot so I could prepare the meals during the relatively calmer mornings. I didn’t feel too bad popping the baby down for a couple of minutes to shove some stuff in the oven or quickly chop a few carrots but wouldn’t have wanted to let her cry while I spent even just ten minutes actually cooking

ghostmous3 · 05/03/2020 15:15

I've been a sahm with babies
I now work full time again
I'd rather be a sahm parent than work full time. It's different but not comparable.

And that little 15 minutes after work I have to shower, get out of my dusty and chemical tainted clothes and have a coffee is my way of switching off.
I did this even when my kids were babies and I did have a spell of working full time. I made sure my ex had the same little break as well.

ghostmous3 · 05/03/2020 15:17

Sorry pressed to soon. When my ex came home from work I made sure he had 15 mins to unwind as well. We worked together

eeyore228 · 05/03/2020 16:04

I would think it depends! My DH is an A&E nurse. His job is physically and mentally draining. He's on his feet all day. No break, rarely food. So when he gets in I think he needs a little time to switch from work mode to home. Maybe we all do it differently but are you saying that at no stage during a day there is a chance for a cuppa? If he was a lazy bugger and did nothing I would understand your point but I work part time and my DH extends me the same courtesy. I get that little but of time to switch off from all the people that have been screaming/shouting and the pressure of the day. I'm in a much better frame of mind to be of some help.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/03/2020 18:15

I've been a sahm with babies
I now work full time again
I'd rather be a sahm parent than work full time. It's different but not comparable.

I think it’s hard to say you have an opinion like this unless you are actually a working parent who has a SAHP at home rather than a working parent whose partner is ALSO a working parent. Where both parents work FT, it’s stressful for both coming home after doing a pickup at nursery and school then doing a dive to supermarket then home to put a wash on, wash up breakfast things, start cooking evening meal, wash baby bottles and make more up, do homework/reading with school age child, AND start doing evening routine with baby on top.

If you are lucky enough you be a working parent who has a SAH partner then half of that could well be already done for you by the time you get home. Much easier. I would never say I’d rather be a SAHP because it’s Easier than working FT, since my experience of working FT has been while DH is too and so life is bloody stressful. I’m sure if I worked FT and came home without any deadline to collect from childcare or pressure to leave work to collect a sick child from nursery, and the food shopping and meal plan was already done, clean washing ready even if not ironed, no expectation for me to get up in the night etc etc then I would think working FT was not so bad at all.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 19:05

That's sacrilege on MN though. SAHP are there to care for the children, not to do housework. That needs to be done equally when the WOHP returns and at weekends.

mbosnz · 05/03/2020 19:12

That's sacrilege on MN though. SAHP are there to care for the children, not to do housework. That needs to be done equally when the WOHP returns and at weekends.

Bugger that for a game of soldiers - no bloody way. My job was the children and the house and garden. It would have driven me bonkers to do anything else. (I'm not great with glitter and glue. . .)

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 19:31

Well, yes, I agree with you but it's certainly not something to admit to.on here.

mbosnz · 05/03/2020 19:39

Well, yes, I agree with you but it's certainly not something to admit to.on here

I am unspeakably brave, me. . . Grin

FoxysFolkFace · 05/03/2020 20:05

No this is not normal or okay! I have gone back to work full time this after having our second DD, my OH is part-time
We have 3 year old DD and 7 month old DD... Today as an example I came home OH was feeding the baby so I cooked 3 years old tea and sorted that then did her bed time routine. DD2 has been really unsettled today so I took over with her because OH hasn't had a fun day... As soon as I took her she projectile vommited on me Sad(this will be why she's not been settled today) .. got her cleaned up and bed time routine sorted while OH cooked dinner.

I always say being at home with the kids and running the house can be a much harder day than being out at work.

Do you think you could broach the subject that you need abit more help when he gets home? He would likely have time in the evenings when your children at asleep to finish at work emails he needs to?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 20:11

He would likely have time in the evenings when your children at asleep to finish at work emails he needs to?

And what would op be doing whilst he starts his work emails? When might he get a bit of time to relax?

When I was a SAHM my husband was out of the house for 12 or 13 hours a day, depending on his commute. I certainly was not up and on the go continuously for 13 hours a day while looking after the children. It would have been outrageous for me to have handed the DC to him as he walked through the front door claiming that it was now his turn.

mathanxiety · 06/03/2020 00:55

He isn't necessarily doing work emails.
He could be on FB or any number of other sites.

Maybe the OP is gearing herself up for yet another night of feeding the baby while her H sleeps?
Or catching up on a pile of ironing?

mathanxiety · 06/03/2020 00:57

I certainly was not up and on the go continuously for 13 hours a day while looking after the children.

And unless in a certain few professions or jobs, the WOH parent almost certainly isn't up and on the go continuously for 12 or 13 hours a day.

The WOH parent almost certainly isn't in a situation where even finishing a thought isn't guaranteed.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/03/2020 02:09

And unless in a certain few professions or jobs, the WOH parent almost certainly isn't up and on the go continuously for 12 or 13 hours a day.

My husband definitely is on the go from the minute he leaves the house. He drives from job to job and is tracked so i know he doesn't have any down time at all.

OhamIreally · 06/03/2020 07:00

The thing is you both look forward to his arrival at home as the end of your respective shifts.
You think "oh good when he's home he can take the baby for a bit and I can do something else in peace". He thinks "long day at work, can't wait to get in and chill for a bit".
The issue is that neither of your shifts have finished until the kids are in bed.
I can understand the "let me get in" if this literally means "let me get my coat off and hands washed" but you both need to understand that you're not done yet and there's no respite until kids are in bed.
For what it's worth I have a very stressful job but I still look back on my 5 months' maternity leave as the hardest in my 30 year career. Perhaps it would do your husband some good to have a day at home with both children to gain an understanding of what you're dealing with.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/03/2020 07:04

Perhaps it would do your husband some good to have a day at home with both children to gain an understanding of what you're dealing with.

Equally perhaps, it would do op good to go out to work for the day and then have to jump to parenting as soon as she walks through the door - perhaps she would then gain an understanding of what that feels like?

mathanxiety · 06/03/2020 07:15

My husband definitely is on the go from the minute he leaves the house. He drives from job to job and is tracked so i know he doesn't have any down time at all

Many people don't work under those conditions.

There are often coffee stations and water coolers and lunchrooms in places of employment, put there so employees can use them during working hours. And while not specifically designed to make work a friendlier place, quite often a spot like the photocopier also serves the purpose of a gathering spot where chit-chat can take place.