Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

I work full time and I can't imagine getting home from work and thinking 'ah, I'll see DS in 30 mins'

any sort of a thrill from seeing your paycheque, and the prospect of a promotion isn't a motivation to keep on showing up and putting in enthusiastic effort at all.

Yeah, it's really thrilling to look at your paycheque and realise the entire thing is going to be swallowed up in household bills within hours of it appearing in your bank. Or to get a promotion to a more stressful role and absolutely have to keep it otherwise your family may not be able to afford to run a car next year. Such thrills!

Dh works from home and has done since both children were quite young and obviously in school holidays now they are older has them at home all day.

I am out the house from 06:30 till 18:00 nearly every day.

He does all the school runs etc - but even so still gets an extra hour in bed over me every day.

I have been a SAHM with 2 very young children with a short age gap - and I much preferred my life then to now!

I get 3 buses and a train each way to and from work - if DH expected that to count as my "downtime" I would be having a serious re think on our relationship - and if he expected to be able to chuck the children at me and "run away" as soon as I walk in the door - as it has been stressful for him we would be having serious words.

I get in and need to get changed, get a cup of tea and sit down before I get bombarded.

But it's totally different with school age children where the parent at home has had six child free hours in the day. Then I can understand they won't be as drained and exhausted and can probably cope on their own when the other parent comes home and wants a bit of a break after work. I'm hoping this is the case! Haven't reached that golden age of parenting yet.

True - but as I say, he has worked form home since the children were quite young meaning before school age. I returned to work probably when the oldest was about to turn 3 and youngest was still in toddler stage.

There is only just over 16 months between my 2 and I was only back at work for 3 months before I went off on my 2nd ML. So had almost 3 years at home in total, while he worked out the home.

He required 15-30 mins downtime on returning from work when it was the other way around, as I do now and have done for years since I have been the one working out of the home.

TheValeyard this man is clearly getting some ego stroking from his Very Important Job. He is using it to tell his wife that his work and his preoccupations are more important than either her or the DCs.

Mentally, being outside the home with people coming at you and requiring often instant responses and decisions all day is totally exhausting.
That doesn't sound one bit one bit like spending your days and nights feeding and tending to a baby and juggling all that with the care and keeping of a toddler

Maybe he'd love to be at home, spending time with his family and not going to work and doing overtime. The op gets to spend time at home with her children - maybe that's being self involved.

The more you post, @Hearhoovesthinkzebras, the more I suspect you believe babies and small children are actually stuffed animals.

I work full time and breastfeed (so doing night feeds) and I look after my one year old from when she wakes around 6 am to 8.30 (when I leave) and again as soon as I get through the door (around 5 or 6), doing bath and bedtime. Yanbu at all.

I agree with you Op, it would really irritate me. I think the main thing to remember here is the age of the dc. They’re not of an age where they can occupy themselves so you can get stuff done. Until they can do that, Yanbu to expect your dh to hold the baby whilst you get dinner sorted etc. When on maternity leave, I would clock watch for when my dh came home as I knew I’d have another pair of hands to help and there was such a short period for dinner, bath, books etc. I wouldn’t be impressed if my dh needed half an hour to himself as things need to get done then we can both sit down together.

I’ve been a working mum and SAHM, and this is the double-sided thinking that permeates attitudes and behaviours for many families (not all families blah blah):

• dad works late: he’s a hard-working self-sacrificial family man, requiring support and gratitude for the efforts he makes
• mum works late: mum is running around trying to put childcare in place, begging dad to get home early to look after the children so she can work late, justifying why she has to stay late. Dad is doing her a HUGE favour by getting home earlier than usual. All compromises are sacrifices being made for mum’s career.

• dad does drop off and arrives to work late as a result: dad is family man and hero, sacrificing his work and client’s needs, rushing frantically about in the morning, all for the sake of his children and wife.
• mum leaves work early or is part time, in order to do pick up: mum is SO lucky to be seeing more to her family, working less and basically on holiday!

• dad works a full day: poor exhausted bloke, give him a drink and let him put his feet up!
• dad looks after the children all day: poor exhausted bloke, look at the photos of him coping on his own, what an amazing father he is! Give him a drink and let him put his feet up!
• woman works all day or looks after children all day - no praise, no recognition. When it’s time to put her feet up, she’s ALSO doing school admin/online shop/checking up on in laws, arranging play dates etc etc on her phone.

Bearsdontdig did the DC go into child care when you went back to work? I think the key is that you both have some child free time at some point in the day because as much as children are lovely they are full on and I defy any parent to be able to relax when looking after a young child. Even on a play date, out in a cafe meeting friends etc you are never able to relax and just be yourself. That is why after a full day of it you can't wait to get some help.

the more I suspect you believe babies and small children are actually stuffed animals

Not at all. I was a SAHM to my children for many years, interspersed with part time work in the evenings and weekends so for at least 10 years I was at home with them on my own during the day. I also breastfed my daughter for 3 years so did all of the night feeds too. I know what it's like but I did not find it as tiring or as stressful as being at work. I guess it depends on what you find stressful. For me, the lack of freedom is the most stressful thing, so having go be somewhere and bring constrained is what I don't like about work. Being a SAHM gave me the freedom to go where I liked, do whatever I wanted and in my own time. I loved it.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras... I completely agree.

I don't think it's unreasonable for the working parent to have 20mins to half an hour when they get through the door unless the DC are crawling up the walls, but they should do their fair share after.

I'm on maternity at the moment and DH comes in, has a cuppa, gets changed and then he either has DC whilst I cook tea, or he cooks tea whilst I occupy DC.

Different things work for different people. People on here will have a variety of views about the relative difficulties of being a SAHP/working parent, but it doesn't really matter. This isn't working for you at the moment, so sounds like you need to have a conversation and find a compromise. A shorter time for him to unwind? A delayed unwind? Everyone chills out for a bit and puts the kids to bed later?
I'm broadly with the people who've said that this stage of life is just hard work and you both have to pitch in and cope with it as best you can. We had three children under 2, including one high-needs refluxy one and DH had just started a new and very stressful/full-on job in a new organisation. There would be days where, if he was late home, the three kids and I would literally be sitting at the bottom of the stairs because I couldn't work out how to get them all up there for their bath. We had nights where he'd start in the spare room because he had something on at work the next day and I'd go in at 2.30 and hand him a baby because I couldn't do it anymore. We had days where he'd come home shattered and just need to go for a run/slump in front of the TV. And quite a lot of days where we did the whole 'competitive tiredness' bickering. But it mostly felt like we were a team, and if one of us was down the other one would find something and step up.
This stage won't last forever. But it's completely OK to say that you need things to change and take it from there.

The problem with the debate about who has it hardest WOHP Vs SAHP is that there are too many variables involved that can massively impact a parent's experience of their role.

How easy a SAHP finds their role can depend on the age and number of children, their tempraments (big one there!), if the children have SEN and the character of the parent themselves. Like all roles in life, some people are fantastically suited to doing the exact same things that other people would massively struggle with. We are all different!

Likewise a WOHP may find their experience of work is impacted by how much they enjoy their job and how well suited they are to it, the amount of downtime they get during working hours and how long their commute and duties outside of normal working hours take.

There is no one size fits all and no definitive answer. Even those parents that have done both can only speak about their own specific experience with their career and home life. They may well come to a different conclusion about which is harder if they were to have an alternative career/job or home life that changed their levels of enjoyment and stress.

In conclusion, as we can't prove who has it harder or who most deserves a break then I think we should try and really hear what our partners are telling us about their experience and what they feel and accept what they tell us as their truth unless you have a good reason to suspect that they are misleading you. OP is desperate for help in the evening and her partner should accept that and seek to help her whenever possible during this time. This would be the kind and human thing to do for someone that you love. If he genuinely can't help out for a genuine reason then he needs to explain this properly to OP so she can understand why it isn't possible.

Hearhooves that's fine you didn't find being a SAHM as tiring or stressful as being at work but you can't possibly think that because of your experience there should be a blanket rule that the person who works outside the home deserves a break (and in the OPs partner's case to do absolutely nothing to help with bedtime and bathtime) more than the person who has been at home with 2 young DC all day. Nobody can say one person has had a more tiring or stressful day. That should be decided between the couple and if they're both knackered, which is probably more likely the case, then either take it in turns to have 30 minutes while the other person takes control, or better still both help each other out and look forward to your break when the DC are asleep (unless you're breastfeeding a newborn in which case look forward to a break in a few months time!)

I don't know why this is getting to me so much but it is... Let's turn it on it's head and say the parent who's been at work all day in a busy and demanding job comes home and the SAHP immediately throws both kids at their partner and says look, I've had a really stressful day I need a coffee, a sit down and to check my emails as I have been so busy all day I haven't had a chance and there might be something important. Would we think that was acceptable?

"... Oh and by the way can you put both kids in the bath and put them to bed." Ahhh and relax.

The OP says he has half hour when he first gets in, then he's ready to pitch in. Not like he sits on his bum all evening or heads off to the pub

pipnchops

I don't think that everyone has the same experience as me. I'm just providing a counter argument to all of the posters saying that he's selfish, ignoring the effort that the op puts in, lazy, etc etc.

The people saying that aren't bring open minded and accepting that different people have different needs, as you are saying.

I'm trying to post an alternative position to the people saying that he gets lunch breaks, wind down time on his commute and so on.

I absolutely agree with you. So many variables that i don't see how posters can be do certain that he's lazy and selfish

Let's turn it on it's head and say the parent who's been at work all day in a busy and demanding job comes home and the SAHP immediately throws both kids at their partner and says look, I've had a really stressful day I need a coffee, a sit down and to check my emails as I have been so busy all day I haven't had a chance and there might be something important. Would we think that was acceptable?

I think both people should be able to have half an hour or so to themselves when they need it.

There are days I'm counting down to DH getting in so I can tell him I'm going to have a shower and a cuppa in peace because it's been a really rubbish day. He doesn't get his normal 20-30mins when he gets through the door. That's life.

I do think there's some benefit in having time to switch off from work mode before getting into home mode though. I certainly find it helpful so wouldn't begrudge DH doing the same.

Fleamaker, the OP does say she bathes and puts both DC to bed on her own so I'm not sure what he does do to pitch in after his 30 min break. Maybe he cooks a fantastic meal for them both to enjoy once the DC are in bed. Who knows, but I know I'd rather he pitch and and help /spend some time with his DC.

Hearhooves great I think we're singing off the same hymn sheet. I certainly don't think he, or any parent who goes out to work, is selfish or lazy. Far from it. He, like many people, just maybe doesn't appreciate the hard work his partner puts in at home and that she might deserve a break too. But at that busy time of day that's just not possible and it should not be something someone expects just because they go out to work all day.

Bumpitybumper, I agree with what you said wholeheartedly.

I think what has got me so riled up about this thread is the people saying that they found being a SAHP so easy compared to work and therefore being a SAHP is not really hard work. These attutides are just as toxic as people who say that parents who go out to work have it easier than SAHPs because they get a lunch break and a commute to wind down after a busy day. Nobody has it easy. Being a parent is hard. People who are lucky enough to have a partner to help them out should absolutely not feel that they are being unreasonable to ask for that help when their partner is around, regardless of whether they have been at home all day or out at work.

Here’s how it worked in our house when I was SAHM during the first two years of DD, which coincided with DS being 4-6:

Me: SAHM. I did about 3-in-5 school runs on any given week. DH would do them when work permitted. I would look after DD, take her to Mums and tots, feed, change and play with her as well as cook most evening meals.

DH: Full time work with hours that sometimes meant leaving late and being home early or leaving early and being home late (or any combination of the above).

When he came home I would give him a coffee, but when he had drunk that I expected him to muck in. He would cook after DC while I cooked and served up.

He would then do bath time for both, stories and bedtime while I washed up. He would then hoover while I got the washing on.

We would then both chill for an hour or two (TV/film/read). He would put wet washing in dryer and put dryer on as soon as washing was finished, and would also hang up the wet washing while I got ready for bed.

He would also do all the shopping (I would give him a list and he would do it on the way in on a convenient night) and because he is a light sleeper he would also do all night wakings for the DC (I would sleep through them and he didn’t think it was fair to wake me up as we would both be tired).

I thought that was a fair balance given he got lunch breaks at work.

He has never complained.

Now I’m back at work it’s a similar division of labour but they’re both at school during the same hours I am.