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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

465 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/03/2020 16:49

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 06/03/2020 07:21

Hearhoovesthinkzebras, I suspect you can assume the OP does know what it feels like to come home from work after a long day at the coal face. Most people will have worked before setting up home and having a family.

I personally found dealing with babies and small children all day every day and most of the night too exhausted me in a way that the formal work environment didn't even come close to. Many posters here have said much the same thing.

The OP is not getting a night's sleep thanks to the feeding demands of the baby, and with a toddler too she needs to be up and alert all day.

But diddums who doesn't feed the baby at night needs his half hour on the couch? Pah.

Aridane · 06/03/2020 07:50

Sorry pressed to soon. When my ex came home from work I made sure he had 15 mins to unwind as well. We worked together

Yes, I don’t quite understand the gladiatorial approach on Mumsnet to relationships ...

Aridane · 06/03/2020 07:52

That's sacrilege on MN though. SAHP are there to care for the children, not to do housework. That needs to be done equally when the WOHP returns and at weekends.

😁

Fishfingersandwichplease · 06/03/2020 08:04

I remember my DH used to need time to himself when he got home from work, even though DD was so excited to see him - used to really piss me off so when l got myself a little part time job as soon as l got home and he said oh mummy's home l told him l couldn't possibly talk to the baby because l had been at work, the penny dropped and he never did that again.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/03/2020 08:43

mathanxiety

You do understand that not everyone works in an office, right, and that not everyone who works in an office is free to wander around and have those water cooler moments?

My son worked as a virtual pa for a short while when he was at uni. He worked in an office but he had to be constantly logged on at his computer and he couldn't just wander off. If he needed to go to the toilet he would have to send a message to the manager and someone would be sent to man his desk until he came back, but all of that was monitored.

As for the op knowing what it's like to come home after work - well yes, she may well do but she doesn't know what it's like to come home to 2 children after a day at work because she hasn't done that.

Why are you so disparaging of a man who's working hard, including overtime and in the evenings, in order to support his family? Maybe he should cut back a bit so that they all get a better balance to their lives and if that means tightening their belts then perhaps that's better than both of them being run ragged?

G5000 · 06/03/2020 10:17

Why are you so disparaging of a man who's working hard, including overtime and In the evenings, in order to support his family?

And how do you know he works hard and is doing super urgent emails in the evening? Maybe he does have one of those jobs where you can have a cup of coffee no problem? Maybe he's simply relaxing and on facebook in the evenings, not working because he absolutely have to?

By the way, I know what's it like to be home with 2 small children (24 months between my 2) and what's it like to come home after one of those 'high stress high salary' jobs - where, if I was a man, I apparently needed my pipe and slippers and could not be disturbed as I 'needed' the rest.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/03/2020 10:32

I don't know that he's working super hard. I only know what the op said

OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc

Presumably she knows how hard he works?

As for him being on Facebook, well again, I'm assuming that the op mentioned he's on his works computer because he's doing work? If he'd been on Facebook I'm sure she would have said that, if for no other reason than it adds weight to her argument.

friendineed · 06/03/2020 10:46

If I'd been working all day, doing extra hours and commuting, I'd want 30 minutes peace and a cup of coffee when I get in. I've been a SAHM with 2 young kids, and I had plenty of time for a quiet cuppa. In fact it was far easier than working

minipie · 06/03/2020 11:02

The OP has a newborn and a 2 year old and is BF them both and getting up in the night. That’s harder than most jobs I would say. Certainly when I had a newborn and 2 year old it was a LOT harder than my (demanding, stressful) job had been.

pipnchops · 06/03/2020 12:10

Wow, I can't believe this thread is still so divisive! Hearhooves, I sense that you are desperate for people to admit that the working parent is entitled to a break after work at that the stay at home parent should allow them this. You keep backing up your opinion by talking about your circumstances as evidence of your point and that's not necessarily the same circumstances for the OP. She asked if she is unreasonable to expect her partner to hold their newborn baby when her gets in from work while she gets on with everything else that needs doing, including doing bedtime and bathtime on her own while he does... What? It's not clear. I don't think that's really a big ask and it will make her life just that bit easier. How anyone can see that's unreasonable is beyond me. I've had two newborns who would not be put down and hated being in a sling so I know what it's like to struggle to do everything with one hand. It was so much harder the second time when I had a 2 year old I needed to cook dinner for with one hand, not to mention dangerous. Thank goodness my DH was happy to step in and help as soon as he got home from work and he never complained about it.

G5000 · 06/03/2020 13:14

'working hard and providing for family' does not necessarily mean he can't even take a pee break for 12 hours.
OP also says she does everything at home, in addition to breastfeeding and doing all the baths and bedtimes, the husband does not have to do anything but hold the baby while she does everything else.
I still do not think this is too much to ask.

wineandroses1 · 06/03/2020 13:25

As I said previously, for me it's about the interaction between DD and DH. There was no "handing-over to DH", it was about DD's excitement to see him, and his to see her. How a parent could just ignore a small child so they can have time to themselves first is a bit selfish, and hurtful to the child. Nowadays, teenage DD is still pleased to see DH (and me) when she comes home from school, and she still takes the time to tell us about her day. And that part of the day is how we chill out.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/03/2020 13:44

I still do not think this is too much to ask.

And I don't think asking for 30 minutes when you get in to have a drink and finish up work is too much either.

G5000 · 06/03/2020 14:09

yes it is, if you decide to take those 30 minutes exactly at the most inconvenient time, sitting on your arse relaxing while your wife is struggling to cook dinner, holding the baby, with a demanding cranky toddler hanging off her legs.

pipnchops · 06/03/2020 14:31

Of course take those 30 mins when you get in from work IF it fits in with family life and doesn't leave someone else struggling to do everything on their own. If it's going to cause unnecessary stress for your partner then the kindest thing to do is to recognise that, muck in immediately and take your 30 minutes when things have calmed down a bit. Nothing wrong with wanting 30 minutes break when you get home from work, but sometimes you've just got to accept that it's just not practical or considerate to those around you.

Fleamaker123 · 06/03/2020 14:51

I presume he helps out after the 30 minutes... It wouldn't bother me to be honest I would let him have the 30 minutes and then have him help with whatever needs doing. We shared childcare too while we both worked so I know what it's like from both sides. Bigger fish to fry Grin

namechangedforthis1122 · 06/03/2020 16:01

Mine does a 45 minute shit. Angry

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/03/2020 16:55

If it's going to cause unnecessary stress for your partner then the kindest thing to do is to recognise that,

What if working long hours, plus overtime, plus working in the evenings is causing him stress? What's the kindest thing to do then?

pipnchops · 06/03/2020 18:13

Fair point hearhooves. It's up to the individual circumstances. I guess as a SAHP myself I sympathise with how relentless it can be when the DC are really young and I can't imagine how I'd have coped if my partner hadn't helped me 50/50 when he was at home. But he also never brings work home so when he's home he's dad, he's not trying to juggle both roles. That must be tough for those that have to do that, tough on both parents.

Commonwasher · 06/03/2020 19:07

I don’t think it’s that he needs half an hours peace that’s the issue — most parents do. It’s that he sits on the sofa with a coffee having his downtime the most fraught time of day knowing his wife is up against it.

I completely understand that he needs to chill in the evening but he can sit down with a coffee once the children are in bed.

mathanxiety · 07/03/2020 05:55

Bbq1 Thu 05-Mar-20 08:36:56
Baby nutrition "without charge. Fgs, she's the baby's MOTHER!

Yes, it is baby nutrition without charge.

And it is baby nutrition (and baby care) 24/7 for months.

And (fgs) he is the baby's and toddler's father, who gets to enjoy them clean, nourished, and well taken care of with apparently no effort toward that put in by him at all.

Buying formula and asking him to do every second night of feeding and taking care of the baby all by himself would sharply increase his appreciation for the effort required to parent babies.

Tapping away on his work computer is an ostentatious display of self importance imo. He's saying, 'You must wait until the important work is finished'. If what he is doing is so vital then he should get it finished before he leaves the office.

Thinkingaboutsummer2020 · 07/03/2020 06:06

Ex used to, new partner told me he would, but in reality he can’t wait to see the baby & happily plays with him as soon as he come home, I’m keeping him.

IvinghoeBeacon · 07/03/2020 06:46

I’m amazed the toddler lets him sit there quietly doing his own thing. Mine is desperate to cuddle or play with whoever has just come home, and neither of us do dirty jobs that require a shower or anything as soon as you get in. my husband is a teacher so he does childcare during school holidays when I’m working, and as soon as I get in I want to see my son and he wants to see me. It’s not like older children who might be doing their own thing. If I need the loo or to get changed my son follows me and we chat. I’m fully prepared to take over and my husband does the same when the situation is reversed. I don’t think anyone is unreasonable especially for wanting some quite time when they get in from work, nor for wanting help straight away when the working parent gets in - both these things are completely reasonable. However it’s unrealistic with small children really to expect that quiet time in the way you might have done before

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 07/03/2020 06:51

Dh used to have 5 min to wash his hands and have a quick drink, then I handed him the baby/toddler and basically ran away. I was desperate, relieved, after a day of being a sahm. He’d take over while I sat down for 5 min and then cook dinner/laundry etc.

Now I work, I’m the same. I have 5-10 min to wash hands and have a snack, then I take over from the nanny.

Children are fascinating and we want every drop of time that we can have! (Obviously we aren’t quite so keen by the time we get to the end of the weekend or holidays...!)

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 07/03/2020 12:12

Tapping away on his work computer is an ostentatious display of self importance imo. He's saying, 'You must wait until the important work is finished'. If what he is doing is so vital then he should get it finished before he leaves the office.

Oh yes, being in paid work is so unimportant. Maybe he should give up then, you know, if it's so unimportant? See how they get on with no money.

As for staying at the office - great idea. He can finish his work and then come home ready to take over. Presumably it means that he'll be in later though so, swings and roundabouts there.

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