AIBU to impose these restrictions on my MIL??

[KRW95]

I am currently 9 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I plan on telling our families at 12 weeks however I have ongoing issues with my MIL. Her husband, my FIL passed away in November after a long illness and she is still grieving badly. She is selfish as a person anyway, and we try to be supportive however she completely dominates the grieving process and doesnt support her son(my husband) and acts like she is the only one suffering. She has zero respect for my husband (told him about his dad passing whilst we were abroad despite him asking her not to, told him in great detail how awful and traumatic the passing was, forces him to visit his graveside, tells my husband he doesnt do anything for her yet he took them to all appointments and was always at the hospital and has recently driven her 3 hours away and back for a trip away with her sister) anyway, im digressing. The worst thing she does IMO is tell my husband regularly she doesnt see the point in living and wishes she had died with him and thinks about taking an overdose or cutting her wrists but says the only thing that prevents her is her dog. She also makes her 9mo grand daughter look at pictures of her deceased grand father regularly.

Basically, AIBU to lay down the law with her and my husband and make it clear there is no way I will be allowing my child to be alone in her company if she is threatening suicide or self harm and making people stare at his photos all day? Or do I risk a big fall out and risk making her feel worse?

Who is the parent who allows her to have the baby?
No way would she be having mine unsupervised...

That's a very recent bereavement , I'd wait until the baby is here to decide anything like that

She sounds bonkers, I would keep her arms length with a view to cutting her out completely over time
Maybe encourage her to engage with professional help?

There's absolutely no reason to say anything to her at this point. If she's still like this when you're baby arrives, then it might be time to address it. But the bereavement was only three months ago, and you have at least six before baby appears.

Of course only you really know her as a person and I wouldn't leave her unsupervised with my DC no.
I don't see the harm in showing a photo. Maybe she's scared the little one will forget who he is. So in that sense I think YAB slightly U.
I think she needs help if she is threatening to take her own life. I hope she is being taken serious about this and not just pushed a side. Could you help/make an appoint with the doctor for her?

Appointment*

She sounds depressed surely you and you're dh should be helping her maybe suggesting grief counselling. Losing a long life partner is different to losing a parent, whilst it is hard youre dh has you and you're growing family. You're mil has no one close by her husband her companion has gone. My dh lost his grandfather 18 months his nana passed, she very much struggled with the isolation and loneliness after losing someone whi she has grew up.

Its a very long time yet before MIL babysitting needs to be a conversation at all. If she brings it up, just say "oh yes, that'd be lovely, how kind". Once baby is here you can go with breastfeeding (if you choose to do so) or just not feeling ready to leave the baby yet for months and months after baby arrives.

FWIW it sounds from your description like your mil is in an agony of grief.

She sounds difficult but you sound very unsympathetic - eg resenting her for telling her son that his father died while he was abroad [on holiday??] - it would have been horrible to expect her to grieve alone until he got back imho.

She is clearly having a very, very difficult time. The talk about suicide etc to your son is hard, but it's his situation to navigate, not yours.

I do think that it would be sensible not to leave her alone with the baby. It definitely needs to be made clear that she cannot talk about suicide/selfharm etc in front of the baby. Excessive chat about bereavement I would also shut down. And if she can't keep to these boundaries then yes, I would limit contact with the baby until she can.

But yes, IMHO it is unreasonable to punish her for being suicidal and depressed by saying she can't see the baby. It is unreasonable for her to say she can never show the baby a picture of his/her granddad.

As a PP has said, she is very recently bereaved, and will likely not always be like this. A baby may well bring out the best in her anyway.

Blimey she's grieving. And she absolutely is the person most affected. And your husband is a grown man - so no he doesn't get comfort. In the circle of grief he's behind her. You and his mates who should support him.
She needs encouraging (forcing) to go see a GP and think about counselling. And tell GP about suicide threats.
She might be making a drama of it but her feelings will be real.

You’re probably a long way off from needing to leave the baby with them on its own so I personally wouldn’t say anything (it’ll just make her defensive and angry) and just try to avoid it coming up.

Unless she lives with you surely your visits will be as a family. If she asks to look after the baby alone just say the baby isn’t ready to be left / you’re breastfeeding etc. I don’t have a problem with my ILs but mine was over 2 years before we left him with them even for an hour because that’s the age at which he was fully comfortable with them and happy to play with them while we nipped out.

That's a very recent bereavement , I'd wait until the baby is here to decide anything like that

I was going to say something similar. There's no need to bring anything like this up now. You don't need to have those conversations with your MIL until the situation actually arises.

I would probably have a chat with your DH though to make sure you're both on the same page for once it does come up.

ps. Congratulations

Shes grieving, its only been 3 months.

A 9 month old wont be sitting staring at photos of anyone, and theres nothing wrong with sharing pictures of someone you loved anyway.

Did you really expect her to not mention that her husband died and have jovial wee chats on the phone until your return. It was pretty selfish to expect that really.

The rest sounds like pretty 'normal' grieving really.

Her whole world was turned upside down, anyone would need an adjustment period.

You're 9 weeks pregnant, everything could well be very different by the time the next few months pass, but, at this point ywbvu to start imposing restrictions based on behaviour after a very recent bereavement. You have a year or more before leaving your baby with anyone will even be in your thoughts.

Agree with posters suggesting leaving it longer before having this conversation with her.

Got to say im surprised at the comments suggesting he doesnt need any support from his mum about losing his dad...to me that is all wrong. I couldnt imagine not supporting my future children if their father died.

So the dad asked her not to tell him while he was on holiday and she did it anyway? She told him all about his passing in detail?

That's not grief that's malice did she resent him being away? And he can say no to being forced to visit the grave too I get sge has lost her husband but it's his father and he should be allowed to come to terms with it too

Why did your dh not want to know when his father died ?
Why is he being forced to go to the grave ? Does he not want to go ?

The woman lost her husband a few months ago, she is still grieving, she will for many years. Maybe someone should see if she's ok, or if you all don't want to be involved in her grieving maybe bring her to a doctor as she may need some medication.

Is she upset you were abroad (holiday?) when her husband died and she is somehow punishing him?

They need to support eachother. It shouldn't go one way. I think you have unrealistic expectations from someone who has just lost their spouse, especially in terms of telling your husband whilst he's away. Why was your husband away when he was so I'll anyway? Because work would surely let someone come back, and I can't imagine anyone being happy to be in holiday knowing their father might die whilst they were away.

Who didn't want to know about your FIL passing OP? Your husband or your FIL?

To give you a little perspective...

My mum and dad were together for 32 years, since my mum was 16. 9 years ago my dad dropped dead.

Grief made my mum completely insane. She said she saw no point in living etc, very similar to your MIL.
My brother and I had lost our dad but in her eyes she had lost her whole world. My brother and I still had partners, friends etc whereas my mum felt she’d lost all of that.

She was incredibly selfish, bizarre in her behaviour and I actually felt for a long time I had lost both of my parents the day my dad died.

However, she came back around BUT only because we allowed her to grieve. Her pain must feel overwhelming and all consuming at the moment.

Judging her or “laying down the law” seems cruel. She lost her husband so recently I think you need to show some compassion and kindness.

Your DH can assert some healthy boundaries though. I used to say “Mum I’m here for you but I don’t want to hear you say XYZ. I’m grieving too and I cannot emotionally support you completely”.

I also got her to see a grief counsellor. It helped her immensely.

What do you think she’ll do to your child exactly?? My mum was and is a fantastic grandparent. Her grief was irrational at times but I didn’t for a second think my child would be in danger with her.

Also showing pictures of her deceased husband to her GD is not weird or wrong.

You sound very judgemental.

Imagine how you’d feel in a few months if your DH died now. Be kind

Got to say im surprised at the comments suggesting he doesnt need any support from his mum about losing his dad...to me that is all wrong. I couldnt imagine not supporting my future children if their father died

He has you for this. Who does she have?
And you “couldn’t imagine” because you have not been in that position.

Your DH needs to support her, you can support him. He still has a supportive partner, she doesn’t.

You really are only seeing this from your perspective, OP. She's grieving and struggling. You can't expect her to be helping your DH through his grief too - this is where you step up. A 9mo is coming to zero harm not looking at photos of their grandad. She will no doubt be over the moon about the baby and devastated that her DH will never meet the baby. Why would you want to turn that into a war zone at 9 weeks pregnant. What on earth is going on on MN today?!

Agree with most other PP - November is still so recent and 9 weeks is still so early in your pg. Give it more time so the bereavement is less raw for both MIL and your DH. You don't need to lay the law down or make any decisions until long after DC is here. I'd say you have at least a year before it will become an issue.

If you think she might be a problem around the birth, don't tell her your actual due date - tell her a couple of weeks later.

Oh dear. How is your DH coping with all this? Is he becoming depressed herself?

It's not reasonable for her to threaten to commit suicide and he can say he's going to speak to her GP if she does it again as she's concerned about her. He can always encourage her to go to her GP if she is depressed, they're normally quite sympathetic if there's been a family bereavement.

I'd also be wary of her becoming too reliant on your DH for driving etc as he might struggle to keep that up when your DC is here, although you've got several months for that message to sink in.

You might find your news cheers her up a bit; I'd give her a bit of time before raising babysitting. She's not going to be looking after DC anytime soon.

In the nicest possible way OP, you cannot compare an adult in a loving relationship losing a parent to the loss of a life partner. My own dad died when I was in my late 20s. I loved him very much and still miss him 30 later but it was nothing compared to my mum’s loss. I still had my husband and a child on the way but she was alone.

I also think it wasn’t unreasonable of her to tell your DH about his dad dying. It might not have been what he wanted but at that stage of loss I think her needs trumped his.

I agree that this needs time. The loss is still very recent. Hopefully things will settle down over time. I know the birth of my DC (6 months to the day after my dads death) was a great solace to my mum.