AIBU to impose these restrictions on my MIL??

[KRW95]

I am currently 9 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I plan on telling our families at 12 weeks however I have ongoing issues with my MIL. Her husband, my FIL passed away in November after a long illness and she is still grieving badly. She is selfish as a person anyway, and we try to be supportive however she completely dominates the grieving process and doesnt support her son(my husband) and acts like she is the only one suffering. She has zero respect for my husband (told him about his dad passing whilst we were abroad despite him asking her not to, told him in great detail how awful and traumatic the passing was, forces him to visit his graveside, tells my husband he doesnt do anything for her yet he took them to all appointments and was always at the hospital and has recently driven her 3 hours away and back for a trip away with her sister) anyway, im digressing. The worst thing she does IMO is tell my husband regularly she doesnt see the point in living and wishes she had died with him and thinks about taking an overdose or cutting her wrists but says the only thing that prevents her is her dog. She also makes her 9mo grand daughter look at pictures of her deceased grand father regularly.

Basically, AIBU to lay down the law with her and my husband and make it clear there is no way I will be allowing my child to be alone in her company if she is threatening suicide or self harm and making people stare at his photos all day? Or do I risk a big fall out and risk making her feel worse?

I haven't read the entire thread - I'm too disgusted to waste much time on it. My DF literally dropped dead at the of January. My poor DM's life has been blown to pieces. I'm supporting her emotionally and physically as much as humanly possible - because I'm not a narcissistic arsehole.

You sound like you've had a complete empathy bypass. And your DH doesn't come over as much better. You probably deserve one another.

Just plain fucking nasty.

But crack on and use your baby in your ridiculous power game with a woman who's just lost her husband.

YABVVVU to 'impose' your own self styled restrictions on anyone, least of all family. When your child arrives they will 'belong' to their father as much as you and you will need to work together as a team if you are going to succeed - not impose your views.

As for your MIL I feel sorry for her (and your husband and future child) for having you to call her daughter in law. She is recently bereaved and you are judging HER as being unpleasant? I'm not surprised she is feeling suicidal. I agree that you son does need support for his fathers death but if he is in fact an adult and married it is YOUR role to support him. HE should be supporting his Mum. My father died suddenly and my Mum absolutely needed my support and me to step up and has done for a good 2-3 years since he passed although less now than in those early days. My fathers grandchildren (my neices) were 5 and 9 when he died - the eldest has a photo blanket with various pictures of her and her grandad on which she chose after he died. That blanket goes on holidays/sleepovers/hospital stays and it comforts her. The younger granddaughter had a teddy made out of the shirt he was wearing in the last photo they had taken together which has been kept safely for when she is older. It is her 'granddaddy bear' and has been on various visits with her in the last couple of years. My own child wasnt born when my Dad passed but he has visited the grave with me and my Mum and shock horror helped us to lay flowers. He is 16months and knows it's his granddad (even though he doesnt understand what grandad means yet). There are pictures of my father up in my mothers house and I can think of a number of times when he was tiny and she was wandering around soothing him she would stop and talk about his grandad whilst showing him pictures on the wall. I love that, although my father isn't here to enjoy my son and see him grow, my son has a right to know his family and where he has come from. It actually makes me feel really sad that you would deny a child this.

But in this case, I think the OP is seeing her husband’s mother through her husband’s eyes, and venting accordingly

So it’s either her hormones or her husband, she’s not personally responsible? There is absolutely nothing in her op to indicate her husband views his mother as she does, in fact she specifically says she wishes to lay down the law to both her husband and her mother in law. Indicating he does not share her view.

The only thing we know about the husband is that he did not wish his mother to disturb him on holiday and tell him his father had died.

My husband died. I have young children. There have been many days when I’ve only carried on living because of them. If I didn’t have children I don’t know if I would have been able to carry on.

Your DH is an adult and doesn’t need taking care of in the same way as a young child. She is likely consumed by absolute grief which fortunately for you, you cannot begin to understand. But you do have the power to be empathetic and kind, even if you think she’s an arsehole.

If your DH suddenly died, you would no doubt expect for people to be there for you. Even if it meant doing things you don’t want to do.

As a widow I will tell you this - attitudes such as yours compound the horrors of grief. Grow up. Be kind. Give love even when you feel it’s undeserved. You get to choose right now, what sort of person you want to be in this situation. Be the arsehole you think she is, or be the sort of person you would want to support you.

for LolaSkoda

Thank you. That’s really kind of you 🙂

Are you insane? You told her not to tell her son that his father died when he was on holiday? Why is that any your business? Of course he's entitled to know that. Many children would want to fly back immediately for the funeral and that would be normal, long illness or no. There is something seriously wrong with your value system.

As I have said up thread my dad died when I was 3 months pregnant with my first DC. I often showed that first child and subsequent DC pictures of my dad who I called Grandad X. I told them funny stories about him (there are a lot, he was a quiet, shy man but he had a great sense of humour) and how much he would have loved them. He was an actor and they watched films he was in and would sometimes boast to school friends about him. They are grown up now and they sometimes retell the stories as if they had known him. It’s a great comfort to me that even when my mum and I are gone my much loved dad will still be part of their family history.

”The only thing we know about the husband is that he did not wish his mother to disturb him on holiday and tell him his father had died.”

Exactly.

One advantage to seeking help from Cruse or similar support groups - she can speak to someone who isn’t caught up in the troubled family dynamics.

And eventually she may be able to offer support in her turn to others - which can be comforting for both the supporter and the supported.

That is one of the strangest, cruelest things I have ever heard, honestly. You need to look at yourself--something is seriously wrong with the way you think your comfort matters more than other people's pain.

YABVU in a lot of your post. I don’t think you’ve grasped just how hard it is to lose someone who has been by your side for many many years. A lot of what you are saying involves the relationship and issues between your DH and his dm. He is a grown man - let him sort things out with her himself, and let him be there for her and listen. The bereavement is very recent and it’s going to take her a long long time to come to terms with it. Have a heart fgs.

By asking his mother not to tell him if his father died during the holiday, your DH tried to remove her only support that day.

Unless there's a back story, that's just such a heartless thing to do. It was unrealistic of him to think that she'd be able to keep it from him.

@LolaSkoda

I am so sorry for your loss. I simply cannot imagine! I came so close to losing my husband. By the skin of his teeth he defied the odds and survived. I feel so enormously lucky and yet so sad that others find themselves in a far less fortunate position. Wishing you all the best.

*”The only thing we know about the husband is that he did not wish his mother to disturb him on holiday and tell him his father had died.”
*
Nobody even knows this for certain. Maybe he was getting grief from OP? Can you imagine telling your mother not to bother you on holiday if your father passed away?

I'm starting to think this thread is some twisted windup. Surely no one acts like this in real life.

Oh my the OP has the empathy of a dead goldfish. And as for the PP who said the MIL was bonkers and to go NC words totally fail me.

Thanks Tiddles. It’s hard to put into words the devastation the death of a spouse causes. I’m genuinely so pleased your husband made it through

I can't believe I'm reading this. My own DF died very suddenly 31 years ago (to the very day, as it happens). My DM was 44. Even at a young age myself, I knew that I had to support her through the sudden death of her life partner. I was grieving terribly, of course, but I was grieving the loss of my past memories. My mother was grieving the loss of her future - all their hopes and plans, the grandchildren he'd never meet. I had my life ahead of me, but mum had had her life taken away.

Op I know you won't be back to this thread but, if you're still reading, I hope you've taken on board some of the comments. Your initial post was incredibly cruel and thoughtless, and displayed a breathtaking lack of empathy. Please think on. This poor woman needs her son's support, and she's in no position to be offering out support to him - that's just how it is. He's a grown man now, and he needs to step up. You, amongst his wider support network, are the person who needs to give him the support he needs, so he can be there for his mum.

This thread has made me feel quite vulnerable in many ways having been widowed not very long ago. However I do not have anyone like the op in my life for which I am truly thankful.

I really feel for the woman.

Flutteringsatlast Tue 03-Mar-20 13:01:03
Who is the parent who allows her to have the baby?
No way would she be having mine unsupervised...

What harm has she done to the baby?

I know my mother in law and my mother found great comfort in being a grandma. They took time to grieve but weren't abandoned by their children in the process.

Circle of grief - comfort in, dump out.
That said my DH's family were hell bent on telling him his parent had died - DH had had to go abroad for work. In a place where you can't call mobiles. They couldn't wait for his daily call home - so he got the news his dad had died from a colleague he'd never met before just as he walked into a long meeting at which he was an honoured guest and couldn't leave. I know they weren't thinking straight but his siblings went on and on about how relieved they were that he knew. I think it traumatised him tbh.