AIBU to impose these restrictions on my MIL??

[KRW95]

I am currently 9 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I plan on telling our families at 12 weeks however I have ongoing issues with my MIL. Her husband, my FIL passed away in November after a long illness and she is still grieving badly. She is selfish as a person anyway, and we try to be supportive however she completely dominates the grieving process and doesnt support her son(my husband) and acts like she is the only one suffering. She has zero respect for my husband (told him about his dad passing whilst we were abroad despite him asking her not to, told him in great detail how awful and traumatic the passing was, forces him to visit his graveside, tells my husband he doesnt do anything for her yet he took them to all appointments and was always at the hospital and has recently driven her 3 hours away and back for a trip away with her sister) anyway, im digressing. The worst thing she does IMO is tell my husband regularly she doesnt see the point in living and wishes she had died with him and thinks about taking an overdose or cutting her wrists but says the only thing that prevents her is her dog. She also makes her 9mo grand daughter look at pictures of her deceased grand father regularly.

Basically, AIBU to lay down the law with her and my husband and make it clear there is no way I will be allowing my child to be alone in her company if she is threatening suicide or self harm and making people stare at his photos all day? Or do I risk a big fall out and risk making her feel worse?

To be honest OP I am completely aghast at your lack of compassion.
You’re being out of order and cold hearted. It’s quite shocking

I don't think it sounds like she's in a state to be supporting anyone! She's clearly in bits. I agree with others that it's far harder to lose your life partner than a parent and that it's your DH's job to support her and your job to support him.

Wow so your DH went on holiday while his dad was dying? And then got angry that she rang him to tell him he died, and has to be forced to visit his dad’s grave? On top of it all neither of you can understand that your mil is grieving the death of her husband and wants her granddaughter to remember a grandfather who loved her. Both you and your DH are coming out very, very selfish. You are not even 9 weeks pregnant yet - wait for the 20 week scan to turn out ok before thinking about what you’ll do re babysitting!

You sound awful op.
I can’t believe you’re moaning about her showing photos of him to your 9 month old niece.
I lost my dad recently too and have been showing my kids pictures of him, why is it insane to not want people to forget?
At 9 months old, the child won’t remember, but at least by showing photos, they’ll know who he was.

I think you are being cruel.
Not wanting to find out the truth so you can enjoy your holiday?
What about the women who had to see him die?

God sake...

November is hardly any time at all, people generally take longer than that to accommodate their grief, especially when the deceased person was their beloved spouse.

I don't get why your husband asked her not to tell him about his dad while he was away - plenty of people would have been upset not to be told! I certainly would.

It's highly likely that she will not be talking as she does now, threatening suicide etc, in a while, it is just how she feels at this time. The woman is experiencing the abyss and at the moment she cannot see the wood for the trees.

You don't have to leave your baby with her on her own if you don't want to but don't make an issue out of it.

Now is not the time to be having a stern talk with her, let things evolve naturally.

Why was your husband away when he was so ill anyway? Because work would surely let someone come back, and I can't imagine anyone being happy to be in holiday knowing their father might die whilst they were away.

OP says he died after a long illness. My own DF was ill for a long time and we were told to "prepare for the worst" numerous times by doctors, but he rallied repeatedly. When it has gone on for many months, even years, with no way of knowing whether death will come in days or could take many more months, you can't put your life on hold indefinitely, or at least most people can't.

I am saddened by your attitude.

Your husband has everything to look forward to. What does your mother in L aw have? very little right now.

Cut the poor woman some slack if you have any compassion at all

Bloody hell you sound selfish. So does your dh. Doesn't want to know if his dad has died until he gets back from his holiday ffs, why, would it ruin the holiday for him?

Exactly @Jessbow

YABVU, your mil is grieving, it's her everyday life that is affected, not yours not your dh's.

You are suggesting kicking her while she is down? If she isn't seeing much point to life right now, how do you think it will make her feel, if you tell her you don't want her very involved with your baby?

Support your dh and find some emphaty. I'm sure you would like people to be considerate, when you are more down than imaginable.

Is there more background to this OP. It sounds similar to my narc MIL in that the conversation about death is constant and excessive, as well as being used to control others. DSS lost his maternal great grandmother and MIL immediately launched into a talk about how his other great GM would die soon (lovely). She recently told DH his GM was terminal and in her final days. That was several weeks ago and she hasnt even been admitted to hospital. If its simply a women grieving her husband then let time pass and focus on your family. If not, then go with your cut feeling as MIL thrives on poor boundaries and minimising her hurt to others.

You’re not unreasonable to impose those restrictions but I don’t think there’s any need to say it to her until it presents as an issue. I didn’t leave my baby with anyone for months just because I didn’t want to and by a years time things may have moved on massively.

Jesus, it’s a bloody good thing you didn’t see me three months after my mum died, OP. I was a distraught mess. That’s what happens when you lose someone you love and the grief is overwhelming. You have absolutely no idea how you’d react in a similar situation - you haven’t been married for decades and you haven’t got adult children.

Of all the callous unempathetic posts I’ve seen on MN, this is right up there.

Also, several months after my DF died, my DM became depressed (out of character for her) and saying things like "What's the point in carrying on?" etc. It's natural. Part of the grieving process. She wouldn't see a grief counsellor but I found lots of information about grieving and we went through it together. She found it helpful and after a few weeks she did get over it.

I would say that on balance I supported her far more than she supported me over the death of my DF. I think that's the way it should be. She had lost her life partner. I still have mine. He supported me; I supported DM. Complaining that she didn't give me enough support would have been unthinkable.

I understand that your MIL is a difficult person in general but I think you need to be far more sympathetic to her over this.

The worst thing she does IMO is tell my husband regularly she doesnt see the point in living and wishes she had died with him

That might seem like the worst thing to you, but is actually the one thing that stands out as being fairly normal. After my father died, my mother (they'd been married for over 50 years) said many, many times that she wished she could just go and be with him.

And I can understand her needing (not wanting) to tell your DH as soon as it happened. For him to say he didn't want to be told so that he could carry on in happy ignorance on his jolly is, imo, selfish.

However my mum wasn't a selfish person in general, and she didn't do the thing with the photos, or force anyone to his graveside - which he actually didn't have as his ashes were scattered - or tell us that we'd never done anything to help.

As PPs have said, you don't need the conversation around the baby for a long time. In the meantime, try to divide her behaviour into two types - those which are reasonable for someone recently bereaved, and those which aren't. Tackle the latter, but allow her the former.

I get that your husband needs his mum’s support after his dad’s death but his mother isn’t in a position to do that right now as she’s going through a tough time (3 months later it must still be very raw). She needs help with her mental health by the sound of it.

Also you’re only 9 weeks into your pregnancy (congratulations by the way!) so it’s a bit early to be laying down the law and stressing yourself out about this although I get how you feel- my mother is “difficult” and I prefer to limit how much contact she has with my children, especially without me.

This is an interesting sentence op ‘ I couldnt imagine not supporting my future children if their father died.’

I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t put their grief aside for their living parent.

A lot can change in 7 months. You need to be more sympathetic towards her, difficult or not she’s lost the love of her life and of course she’s going to struggle to move on from this.

You’re absolutely right OP, it’s been what almost 4 months? She must be over it now?
And yes, it should be her supporting your husband. That’s not your role at all.

Yes I am being sarcastic, I think you sound completely self centred, immature and unkind.

There's absolutely no reason to say anything to her at this point. If she's still like this when you're baby arrives, then it might be time to address it. But the bereavement was only three months ago, and you have at least six before baby appears.

This exactly. Don't make this a problem until it needs to be. Firstly, your baby won't be here for some time, secondly, your MIL might be very different around a brand-new adorable baby and thirdly, even if she still is deeply grieving and talking about self-harm, it may not need to affect being in the presence of your baby / minding your baby.

I say this because my own mum is in the horrors of grief still, nearly 18 months on since my dad died. She doesn't do so in any way dramatically, as your MIL seems to have, but she does talk about there being no point in living, and life not being worthwhile. However, she is still a caring mother, and as good a grandmother as she can be to my 3 kids and her other GC. In other words. though she articulates that awful sadness, she does still interact with her family and continue living.

On your point Got to say im surprised at the comments suggesting he doesnt need any support from his mum about losing his dad...to me that is all wrong. I couldnt imagine not supporting my future children if their father died.

I might have thought this too, before my dad died. One of the hardest, but most understandable things for me, about losing my dad, is that I haven't really got the support of my mum. It's not that she doesn't care, she just can't - as another poster said, this is her life partner. No-one else can fathom how she feels; yes, I've lost my dad, and I'm grieving; I have 3 siblings, and they all have dealt with their grief differently. I feel that it is not possible for a widow / widower to support their adult children in their grief, certainly not in the early stages, and maybe later both can be a support to each other.

Finally, I really wish you could show some compassion to your MIL. Of course you know her, and we don't, and she may be all the things you say. But she is clearly suffering and you could consider some empathy for her situation instead of speculating about restrictions you'll 'impose' on her in 6 months time.

Recent bereavement and early pregnancy, see how the land lies when baby arrives .
If shes still feeling suicidal at that point then obviously don't leave baby with her, hopefully the arrival of a grandchild will give her a boost. Sounds like she needs bereavement counselling and your DH needs space and support to grieve too. Mental illness , which i suppose in a way bereavement is, can make people very self absorbed, its up to you how much support you want to give her but i wouldnt be making any snap decisions yet about her seeing or not seeing a grandchild thats currently a 9 week old foetus.

Your MIL lost her life partner only 3 months ago. She is clearly very distressed.

Your DH didn’t want to be told his DF had died whilst he was abroad! Sounds like his father dying and his DM’s need for support is relegated to an inconvenience to his travel plans - and you think SHE is selfish!

Your DH has you to support him, she has no-one. To be honest you sound horribly unsupportive and dismissive of her grief.

Please try to be kinder and imagine how you would feel if (God forbid) you lost your DH.

Tbh I think you sound horrible! That poor woman is obviously struggling. Yes she might be a bit selfish, but that's what depression does to some people. Grief can be all encompassing and not allow you to think about others. I also find it odd that your DH was on holiday whilst his DF was on his death bed and he didn't want it to ruin his holiday!!! I would never dream of making my mother deal with the loss of a husband without me just so I could have a nice holiday

I think you sound awful tbh op, and I think you need to look at where you are coming from, you don’t like her and I think you are using this opportunity to show her who’s boss.

Your mil is grieving, you are nine weeks pregnant. Just calm down and stop being so hard on her.

You're not obliged to leave your child alone in anyone's company, but I wouldn't make potential suicide/self harm the explicit reason - certainly not in the early stages of your pregnancy, when there are other things to focus on. The "showing photos" part doesn't even sound like an issue.

Whilst generally your MIL may be a difficult/manipulative woman, you don't get to decide how another person should grieve. You seem surprised that she is 'still' grieving even though the death was four months ago and that she hasn't reached out to support her son. My dad died 20 years ago. My mum still shows signs of grief and focuses on the loss as hers rather than mine or my siblings'. None of us are seeking ways to punish her for this. There's no blueprint for how people deal with these things.

As for suicide and self harm, maybe these are dramatic threats designed to get attention, but maybe they come from a place of genuine despair. Perhaps a bit of both. She's very, very recently bereaved, I hope that she gets any support she needs.