Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

AIBU to impose these restrictions on my MIL??

171 replies

KRW95 · 03/03/2020 12:59

I am currently 9 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I plan on telling our families at 12 weeks however I have ongoing issues with my MIL. Her husband, my FIL passed away in November after a long illness and she is still grieving badly. She is selfish as a person anyway, and we try to be supportive however she completely dominates the grieving process and doesnt support her son(my husband) and acts like she is the only one suffering. She has zero respect for my husband (told him about his dad passing whilst we were abroad despite him asking her not to, told him in great detail how awful and traumatic the passing was, forces him to visit his graveside, tells my husband he doesnt do anything for her yet he took them to all appointments and was always at the hospital and has recently driven her 3 hours away and back for a trip away with her sister) anyway, im digressing. The worst thing she does IMO is tell my husband regularly she doesnt see the point in living and wishes she had died with him and thinks about taking an overdose or cutting her wrists but says the only thing that prevents her is her dog. She also makes her 9mo grand daughter look at pictures of her deceased grand father regularly.

Basically, AIBU to lay down the law with her and my husband and make it clear there is no way I will be allowing my child to be alone in her company if she is threatening suicide or self harm and making people stare at his photos all day? Or do I risk a big fall out and risk making her feel worse?

OP posts:

Pippa12 · 03/03/2020 17:35

Sometimes early pregnancy hormones make you a little irrational. I’m going to go with that explanation for your bizarre post. I hope take clarity from the replies and ask for your post to be deleted.

Then get your DH to visit his mum with some flowers and a hug, lord knows she needs kindness right now to pull her through the fog.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

TiddlestheCat · 03/03/2020 17:36

Crikey OP, she's recently bereaved! Your husband has you and a baby on the way. She's left on her own. It's much worse. She's clearly very depressed and feeling let down. You should be making a big effort with her. Punishing her by withholding your baby from her because she is grieving is unfair. You don't have to leave it with her unattended when it's young, but you shouldn't write her off because she's going through a hard time. And she's not forcing her grandchildren to look at photos of him, she's trying to keep his memory alive and talk to someone about him. You might not like her, but try to be kinder. One day you could be in the same position.

welshladywhois40 · 03/03/2020 17:39

I just saw your message about your son needing more support from his mum while grieving and actually I think you do have it wrong.

I lost my mum a few years ago and watched the toil it took on my father. I was 32 and they had been married 48 years. So he had been with her for 50 years and so much of his life and now had no one and needed the support of his children.

Your husband has you to support him and yes it's a terrible grief to lose a parent but it's also a terrible grief to lose your partner.

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2020 17:50

Sometimes early pregnancy hormones make you a little irrational.

A 'little irrational' would be getting a bit grumpy with other people/bursting into tears for no reason etc.

No-one goes from being a nice person to this cold hearted due to a few hormones.

TiddlestheCat · 03/03/2020 17:52

Got to say im surprised at the comments suggesting he doesnt need any support from his mum about losing his dad...to me that is all wrong. I couldnt imagine not supporting my future children if their father died.

There's a vast difference between your hypothetical future children and a grown man child with a partner and family on the way. It's very naïve to think otherwise.

When I was 21 my dad suddenly died when I was abroad. I was still fairly young and had no support, but still recognised that it was my responsibility to help organise the funeral/sort out his belongings etc and ensure that my mother was ok. Recently my husband nearly died (in a coma on life support for weeks) whilst I had a baby and young child. It was my duty to be strong in front of them due to their age. However, I was absolutely devastated at the thought of losing my husband though. The experience was much more traumatic than losing my father. If my children were grown adults with partners, then our roles would have been reversed and I would have expected them to be strong for me. It's about manning up and protecting the most vulnerable in any given situation.

Deadringer · 03/03/2020 17:55

Your poor mil! You seem most unsympathetic op, and you sound like the sort of person who thinks you should lay down the law about your children (that you don't even have yet) at the expense of your mils feelings. When my fil died my husband's role was to support his mum in her grief, and my role was to support him. You haven't a clue how you would feel or what support you would give your DC if your dh died. I find your attitude to your mil very strange. Maybe she is very selfish and dramatic, but she clearly needs her son's love and support right now.

reginafelangee · 03/03/2020 17:58

No need to have this kind of conversation just now, so early in your pregnancy, with a recently bereaved person.

Wait till she's had longer to grieve and till baby is actually here.

FrancisCrawford · 03/03/2020 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 18:08

Sometimes early pregnancy hormones make you a little irrational. I’m going to go with that explanation for your bizarre post. I hope take clarity from the replies and ask for your post to be deleted

I know you mean well and this is very charitable, but the last thing women need is to propagate the ludicrous fantasy that pregnancy hormones, or any hormones, turn us into some form of monster. They don’t. People need to own who they are.

However yes this should be deleted, it’s deeply unpleasant to think of someone “ laying down the law” to this poor woman that she can’t be allowed alone with her grandchild because she’s grieving and suicidal. Quite appalling actually.

But it’s not pregnancy hormones that does that to a person, that’s who the op is.

Neron · 03/03/2020 18:19

Wow, spiteful much?!
So keen to 'impose restrictions', 'lay down the law' and use your foetus as a pawn against a grieving MIL. There's only one person who's being selfish and it isn't MIL.
Get over yourself already FFS.

underfall · 03/03/2020 18:21

“the last thing women need is to propagate the ludicrous fantasy that pregnancy hormones, or any hormones, turn us into some form of monster. They don’t. People need to own who they are.”

Hormones can definitely affect the way a person sees things - be it pregnancy hormones, or testosterone, or whatever.

But in this case it sounds more like the OP’s husband has issues with his parents and his wife is joining the fray.

Wearywithteens · 03/03/2020 18:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

GrumpyHoonMain · 03/03/2020 19:24

* Hormones can definitely affect the way a person sees things - be it pregnancy hormones, or testosterone, or whatever.*

Only for people who are bitches by nature. One of the reasons why menopause is stressful (and low testosterone in men) is the need to control your temper for example. But people who are normal find a way. It’s only the ones who don’t give a fuck that don’t.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 19:27

Hormones can definitely affect the way a person sees things - be it pregnancy hormones, or testosterone, or whatever

I’m sorry but maybe our experience differs, but I’ve never met a human being where normal hormones/testosterone makes them behave as the op is.

Seriously people need to own their shit. Not blame hormones. Neither should they give folks a pass and blame it on hormones as if it’s not their fault.

Alsohuman · 03/03/2020 19:38

Completely agree Bluntness, it’s a cop out.

DottyandOtty · 03/03/2020 19:42

There’s something clearly very wrong that you can’t empathise with your MIL. Is there some big back story and that’s why your DH was abroad when his dad was dying and asked not to be told?! It all seems absolutely bizarre. Your poor MIL, I hope she’s surrounded with love from friends and other family, because she clearly doesn’t get any from you two. My jaw was on the floor reading the OP and dropped even further when I read the first few responses actually agreeing with you?!

Pippa12 · 03/03/2020 19:45

It does upset me on this site that unless your shouting LTB or calling the op not fit to burn your bombasted.

The post is not nice, but I’m sure the OP has got the picture. She doesn’t need somebody else jumping on the band wagon to tell her how wrong she’s got this... that’s why I’m suggesting she gets deleted, I don’t think a public hanging for anybody is appropriate... ever!

Thedogscollar · 03/03/2020 19:49

IF you can put yourself in your MIL shoes and see how you would feel. A little bit of human kindness goes a long way.

Usesomecaution · 03/03/2020 19:50

I’m sure the OP won’t be back, but if you are reading, take on board what others have said.
It is possible to learn empathy, and you can do it.
Pause, reflect, imagine how you would feel.

derxa · 03/03/2020 19:52

Truly awful OP. Have some compassion.

underfall · 03/03/2020 19:58

”Seriously people need to own their shit. Not blame hormones. Neither should they give folks a pass and blame it on hormones as if it’s not their fault.”

I don’t “blame” hormones, lol. Hormones aren’t susceptible to being guilt-tripped, they just keep on doing their thing.

But in this case, I think the OP is seeing her husband’s mother through her husband’s eyes, and venting accordingly.

TellySavalashairbrush · 03/03/2020 20:02

Now is definitely not the time to be laying down the law with this woman, she’s obviously very much at the raw grief stage at the moment. Please be kind op, she may be a wonderful grandmother in time, she can’t be judged at this particular time.

Freddiefox · 03/03/2020 20:29

But in this case it sounds more like the OP’s husband has issues with his parents and his wife is joining the fray.

It’s like you’ve just made something up to fit your agenda. Maybe the op has the problem and the husband is scared of her. Whose knows but clearly the op is very controlling and nasty

underfall · 03/03/2020 20:48

”It’s like you’ve just made something up to fit your agenda. Maybe the op has the problem and the husband is scared of her. Whose knows but clearly the op is very controlling and nasty”

I think, as I said up-thread, that the widow isn’t likely to get much support or comfort from a son who goes on holiday abroad while his father is dying. Nor from the son’s wife, as the OP makes clear.

The sister might be able to help, or Cruse perhaps.

AhNowTed · 03/03/2020 20:52

She has just lost her husband, and at only 9 weeks pregnant you are already trying to contrive of ways of using your as yet unborn foetus to make digs and punish her.

Not very nice is it.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7