AIBU to impose these restrictions on my MIL??

[KRW95]

I am currently 9 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I plan on telling our families at 12 weeks however I have ongoing issues with my MIL. Her husband, my FIL passed away in November after a long illness and she is still grieving badly. She is selfish as a person anyway, and we try to be supportive however she completely dominates the grieving process and doesnt support her son(my husband) and acts like she is the only one suffering. She has zero respect for my husband (told him about his dad passing whilst we were abroad despite him asking her not to, told him in great detail how awful and traumatic the passing was, forces him to visit his graveside, tells my husband he doesnt do anything for her yet he took them to all appointments and was always at the hospital and has recently driven her 3 hours away and back for a trip away with her sister) anyway, im digressing. The worst thing she does IMO is tell my husband regularly she doesnt see the point in living and wishes she had died with him and thinks about taking an overdose or cutting her wrists but says the only thing that prevents her is her dog. She also makes her 9mo grand daughter look at pictures of her deceased grand father regularly.

Basically, AIBU to lay down the law with her and my husband and make it clear there is no way I will be allowing my child to be alone in her company if she is threatening suicide or self harm and making people stare at his photos all day? Or do I risk a big fall out and risk making her feel worse?

My mum has died and my dad couldn't support me through it if he tried.
And he is the best dad in the world.
It is myself and sisters who are helping HIM through it all.
It really depends how old the DC are.
As adults, it may fall to us to support the spouse.
And I'm 100% happy to do so.

If I were OP I would be re-evaluating my relationship with a man who treats his mum so poorly.

Don’t worry about the baby sitting thing, you probably won’t want her to anyway for ages, even after baby arrives which won’t be for a good while yet. That’s awful on your husband having to worry about her harming herself though. I don’t think making the 9 month old look at photos is too bad unless it really is obsessively as such, but if I was in any way concerned about her being a risk to herself I wouldn’t be leaving any child with her unsupervised. I do think though grief can make people very selfish at times too, but it does sound like she needs support. Your husband shouldn’t have to be the only one providing it though and she might need professional support too, but as others have said it is still early days. I feel sorry for you too because it must be a worry and frustrating too in that you can see your husband is doing his best to be told he isn’t.

Of course she is the only one suffering if her son did not even want to be told his father had died (in case it ruined the holiday...) and her DIL bitches about her showing photos of him to the grandchild. You sound hideous.

I don't know one person where the widow/er had room to support adult children. They were too busy just surviving throught the grief and loss.

@pallisers thank you. Reading that has actually helped me a lot. I still feel guilt over not being as available to my daughters as they'd have liked me to be. And I have no widowed friends of young adults, to share experiences with. So reading what you just posted actually lifted a little bit of that guilt.
Thanks

Got to say im surprised at the comments suggesting he doesnt need any support from his mum about losing his dad...to me that is all wrong. I couldnt imagine not supporting my future children if their father died.

Thursday marks the 2nd anniversary of my dad's death. My mother was not capable of supporting me in the immediate aftermath, she was absolutely broken. I was six months pregnant when he died and I had to organise everything by myself because she couldn't function. It would have been their 50th wedding anniversary this year, that's a lot of memories, of time, of shared experiences to lose. She's slowly getting back to "normal" but is still on anti-depressants and whilst she hasn't said as much to me, I suspect she's had suicidal thoughts.

My support came entirely from my husband, my friends and my inlaws because they understood that my mum had nothing to give. My MiL in particular was amazing as her father was murdered whilst she was pregnant with her second and she remembered how all consuming her mother's grief was.

She also makes her 9mo grand daughter look at pictures of her deceased grand father regularly.

My dad begged me and my mum on his death bed to make sure my son (was just 3 when he died) remembered him and that I told the baby I was carrying about the grandfather she never got to meet. Sometimes things aren't black and white.

It's still very early days. I wouldn't set any "restrictions" just yet. Give her time.

Can you imagine the thread on here?
“I recently went on holiday with my DH and family, we were away for two weeks and had a lovely time. When we got back my mum called to say that my dad had died the day after we went on holiday. I asked why she didn’t tell me and she said that it was because she didn’t want to upset my holiday. I am devastated that I have been enjoying my time with my family while my dad has died and I was oblivious.”

In this instance the mother would have been given an absolute pasting on here for holding out on telling about the death until the person came back from holiday.

And re the support that the MIL apparently should be giving the OP’s dh, to be blunt I take the view that anyone who is so heartless and uncaring that they would put their holiday enjoyment over being notified of a parent’s death probably didn’t need support because he is clearly a heartless bastard and I wouldn’t be wasting my time when my grief was real.

BiologyIsReal

Who goes on holiday when their dad is dying and forbids next of kin from notifying them?

I did. Well, I didn't forbid anyone but the general agreement was that
I didn't need to know. He didn't want our holiday ruined. He didn't die whilst we were away though.

Nice to know I'm callous though 👍🏻 Or, it could be that families are all different.

Got to say though the MILs are coming out on top today. There are some real pieces of work for DILs on here.

My MIL hit my son 3 months after my FIL's sudden-but-not-unexpected death, during which she was with him. She had never done anything like it before or since. We were furious, obviously, and wary about any contact for a while afterwards, but it was utterly out of character. Grief does that.

Now's not the time to be putting rerstrictions on her contact with your unborn baby, but neither does your dh have to listen to suicide threats - the 'only my dog prevents me' thing does ring alarm bells in terms of her relationship with your dh, but that's not your issue to solve.

but neither does your dh have to listen to suicide threats

What does this mean? He should just say "shut up with the suicide mum" and go on his merry way. Or "don't talk to me about how you feel mum" Are people this callous with their grieving parents? I have never encountered anyone like this in real life.

When my father died I was an adult. I did not expect my mother to support me, I was the one supporting her. It would have been different hadI been a child. It is early days, she is being thoughtless in repeatedly telling her son that she wishes she was dead but she is in shock. She needs to get support / bereavement counselling. Would she accept this. You do not need to make any announcement at this stage about contact with the baby, see how she is when the baby is old enough for that to arise. You still don't need to announce it, just always be there when she sees the baby if necessary. You sound unkind.

No. Obviously not. But he can say that she needs to get help if that is how she feels. He could offer to accompany her to the GP. Or arrange help himself if he feels she is serious.

Have you ever been close to someone who threatens suicide?

^^ above post was to pallisers.

And I would prefer not to be called callous to grieving parents, thank you very much, when I have just related how I made a pretty massive allowance towards my grieving MIL in being prepared to forgive/overlook her hitting my child.

Yes I have been close to someone who threatened suicide.

I agree with your clarification. Given the OP, I felt your initial statement that he doesn't have to listen to suicide threats with no mention of going to GP or getting her help could well have been interpreted as "see I don't have to listen to this". She seems to have no understanding of how her MIL might feel and no real feeling that the suicide threats indicate a serious grief and possible depression that might need help.

YABVVVVVVVVU and utterly cold hearted.

Imagine if your Dad passed away. (If your parents are still together) Your Mum would be all alone and would need support from you; even though you would also be grieving, although you would have your DH to support you.
As PPs have said, as awful as it is to lose a parent (I lost my Dad at 26), it's very different to losing a spouse - your best friend, life partner and your whole world.

I'm STAGGERED at your lack of compassion, it's really quite something. Massively disturbing.
I'm presuming it was your idea to go on holiday whilst FIL was dying???

What I would do OP, is just leave this for now.

It would be very 'normal' not to leave your baby alone for months after it's birth, so there's no need to make decisions now, or get into conversations, whilst your MIL is in the early days of her grief, and you yourself are coming to the terms with the fact that you're going to be a parent, and what sort of parent you want to be. You don't need to make hard and fast rules now, or indeed ever, and any rules you do make will need to change as your MIL's grief changes - and potentially as she and your little one ages.

For now, just chill out, stop making this into an issue, and support your husband. Laying down blanket laws and making your husband chose between his pregnant wife and his grieving mother is not likely to help anyone at the moment!

@SebastienCrabSauce
To be honest OP I am completely aghast at your lack of compassion.
You’re being out of order and cold hearted. It’s quite shocking

I agree with you wholeheartedly.

You don't need to have any conversation with her.

I've left our son with my parents twice, for an hour or so each time. He's 2 and a half. It isn't that I don't trust them, but they are in their 70s and I don't want to burden them. Plus I rarely need to.

I know your MIL seems out of order but I really would ease up a bit. I don't think any kind of confrontation would help anyone.

She sounds bonkers, I would keep her arms length with a view to cutting her out completely over time

Wow, being your MIL would be a tough gig...

She lost her DH in apparently a very traumatic way three months ago. It's not unreasonable for her to still be lost in grief. What's bonkers here is the lack of compassion, particularly from her near family. I don't see anything wrong with her showing photos of him to her DGD, or telling her DH how he died.

She probably does need to speak to a grief counsellor. It might be nicer to help her do that than bin her because she is not mourning in a neat and tidy manner.

When my mother died I never once thought that my father should be supporting me or comforting me. He is the one who lost his partner. He is the one who wakes up in an empty house everyday. He is the one who needed support. Yes, I was devastated, but I was also experiencing something that is part of the natural order of life. Losing a parent hurts, but I can’t even fathom the pain that would come from losing a spouse.

I didn't need to know. He didn't want our holiday ruined.

Which is fine if that was your father's wish. But OP said it was her DH who asked not to be told.

My dad felt the same when we went on holiday when he had cancer. He had lots of ups and downs, and was on a down when we were due to go. He desperately wanted us to go, as he knew his grandchildren were really excited about the holiday. My mum agreed. So we did, as his wishes were important.
BUT, it was before mobile phones and I spent the whole holiday worrying, and every time I saw a campsite member of staff walking in our direction I thought they were coming to give me the message that he'd died.

He lived another six months after all that!