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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to impose these restrictions on my MIL??

171 replies

KRW95 · 03/03/2020 12:59

I am currently 9 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I plan on telling our families at 12 weeks however I have ongoing issues with my MIL. Her husband, my FIL passed away in November after a long illness and she is still grieving badly. She is selfish as a person anyway, and we try to be supportive however she completely dominates the grieving process and doesnt support her son(my husband) and acts like she is the only one suffering. She has zero respect for my husband (told him about his dad passing whilst we were abroad despite him asking her not to, told him in great detail how awful and traumatic the passing was, forces him to visit his graveside, tells my husband he doesnt do anything for her yet he took them to all appointments and was always at the hospital and has recently driven her 3 hours away and back for a trip away with her sister) anyway, im digressing. The worst thing she does IMO is tell my husband regularly she doesnt see the point in living and wishes she had died with him and thinks about taking an overdose or cutting her wrists but says the only thing that prevents her is her dog. She also makes her 9mo grand daughter look at pictures of her deceased grand father regularly.

Basically, AIBU to lay down the law with her and my husband and make it clear there is no way I will be allowing my child to be alone in her company if she is threatening suicide or self harm and making people stare at his photos all day? Or do I risk a big fall out and risk making her feel worse?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 03/03/2020 15:52

But OP said it was her DH who asked not to be told

And?

SnoozyLou · 03/03/2020 15:54

Also I don't see anything wrong with showing her grandchild photos of their grandad. The way you use the word "deceased" there, unless you actually mean lying in his coffin, is really distasteful. You don't just pretend someone never existed after they die. He was a massive part of their lives and she just wants to keep the memory alive. She doesn't sound perfect but a bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss from you either.

And the holiday bit doesn't exactly shower you in glory either. I doubt this animosity is making things any better for your partner.

pallisers · 03/03/2020 15:58

But OP said it was her DH who asked not to be told

And he told his mother that if her husband died while he was on holidays she should keep it to herself - not do what most people would which is phone her son, the man's son and tell him, not reach out to him for help and support but, presumably, dodge his calls until he got back in the country? His father was ill, possibly dying and he was going to head off for a few days/a week or 2 and NOT call home to see how he was? And he blames his mother for not being able to keep the fact of her husband's death to herself. And his wife sees this as a sign of disrespect.

JRUIN · 03/03/2020 16:01

Oh yes OP, put yet more pressure on your husband (who you claim to care about) why don't you? You sound more selfish than your MIL to be honest. The poor woman is grieving, albeit in a different way than your DH, and you are planning to use your child to punish her? Disgusting!

Springsnake · 03/03/2020 16:06

Why did you go on holiday so near to your fil passing ,you say long illness ,so you knew he was bad
,
Maybe she feels you both didn’t care ,to head off on holiday while she nursed your sick and dying fil

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2020 16:12

Good God OP you sound so cold-hearted, I had to read it twice as I didn't believe it the first time.

And as for your 'gripe'.... She also makes her 9mo grand daughter look at pictures of her deceased grand father regularly.

She lost her husband just a few months ago and the thought of her grand daughter never having a relationship with him, must be heartbreaking.
So fucking what? Confused

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/03/2020 16:14

You don't seem to have any understanding of the scale of your MIL's loss. The death of a spouse is a far bigger deal than the loss of a parent. And she's in the very early stages of grief.

You're in the very early stages of pregnancy. By the time your baby is born your MIL will have had six more months to recover from the first shock. Don't make premature waves - or be unkind.

I can't believe you're being so unsympathetic to the poor woman. It's not her role to support her married adult son - a man with everything to look forward to. Her future must look bleak. No. It's his role to support his mum, who has lost her life partner. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Notonthestairs · 03/03/2020 16:17

She's in shock and whilst she is behaving erratically I think you need to recognise the stress she's under.

Do everything you can to support your DH, encourage him to consider talking to a bereavement counsellor and (gently) suggest the same to your MIL.

We all lost our minds a little the year or two after my mum died - but my Dad felt the impact the worst. Decades of life together and all those memories - and suddenly he didn't have the person that remembered his Dad, or that . It's life changing.

Absolutely no need to lay down the law. You sound a bit heavy handed to be honest.

jellycatspyjamas · 03/03/2020 16:17

My DM died two weeks before my parents golden wedding anniversary - I had no expectation that my dad would help me through my grief, he could hardly put one foot in front of the other. His pain totally outweighed any grief me and my siblings felt and he needed our care and support.

You have no right to be “laying down the law” to anyone, there’s a long time before the baby arrives and longer still before babysitting becomes an issue. Let things rest, support your DH in his grief and help him to support his mum - it’s really, truly not all about you, pregnant or not.

Moonlite · 03/03/2020 16:19

Who in their right mind wouldnt want to know if their father passed away, surely he would need to be home for funeral arrangements and to be with family never mind 'ruining a holiday'

Your mother in law is both grieving and suicidal and all you are concerned about is how it affects your husband. It says alot that the only reason she is staying is for her dog, she must feel like she has no one. Also its absolutely fine to show grandkids photos of their grandad who has passed, you have made that sound so sinister when it could be just that she misses him and likes to show his photo to her grandchild.

And now you are going to use a child as a weapon. Yes that will fix everything

Osirus · 03/03/2020 16:22

You say MiL is selfish. You sound far worse.

She lost her husband very recently.

You’re not the only woman to have ever been pregnant. Give her some time, and stop only thinking if yourself.

Isthistrueor · 03/03/2020 16:22

I feel sorry for her tbh. She lost her husband three months ago and her DIL is considering not allowing her much of a relationship with her unborn grandchild because she shows her existing grandchild photos of her Grandad? Why is this even an issue Hmm? My Grandad died when I was four and my Gran had photos of him all over the house, I can confirm I am not scarred by this in any way, I even witnessed her crying more than once- astonishing I know!

You sound so very unsympathetic, I sincerely hope you are not treated this way by your potential daughter or son in law when your DH dies.

notangelinajolie · 03/03/2020 16:22

Seriously no words. She has just lost her husband and the poor woman sounds bereft.

Isthistrueor · 03/03/2020 16:23

Also don’t see why one of your main concerns is the fact his Dad’s death ruined your holiday, ffs.

MaryShelley1818 · 03/03/2020 16:30

This is a truly awful thread to read. You sound so unbelievably selfish and self absorbed. It's actually chilling how you've spoken about this poor woman who's lost her husband.
For goodness sake if you've even a shred of empathy support this grieving lady, and stop with the rules for a baby who's nowhere near even born yet.

Crazycrazylady · 03/03/2020 16:58

Another one here who's staggered by how cold you sound. I'm sorry her way of grieving is so distasteful to you. It's been three months since her world turned upside down and you are on here giving out about her showing her granddaughter photos.
I hope you never are bereaved like that.
You should be totally totally ashamed of yourself.

pigsDOfly · 03/03/2020 16:59

Your husband didn't want to know about his father's death until he returned from his holiday and he expected his grieving mother to keep the news to herself?

In view of that it would seem that the likelyhood of him being affected by his father's death to the extent that he needs his poor bloody mother to support him is rather unlikely.

God, you both sound vile and utterly self centred.

Of course she feels like she doesn't want to go on, she's just lost her life long partner and, apart from the dog, she has no one to support her; not even her own son, from the sounds of it.

Are you seriously asking if telling her, after all she's just been through, that she is not going to be allowed to be alone with your baby, is likely to make her feel worse? What planet are you on?

And you're nine week pregnant? Hardly something that she nor you have to think about now, is it?

Sounds like you just want to put the boot in tbh.

I suggest you trying digging very deep, both you and your husband, and try to come up with some empathy and kindness.

And try to understand that the world does not revolve around you.

MagnoliaJustice · 03/03/2020 17:02

Have you any idea of the grieving process? This woman has lost her entire world. THREE MONTHS AGO.

You sound supremely selfish without a shred of empathy or compassion. You should be ashamed of yourself. You and DH should be supporting the poor woman, not thinking up ways to deny her access to her unborn grandchild. The arrival of a new baby might be just the thing to help her move forwards, but not if you're going to be so heartless about it.

I would suggest you read up about grief and how it affects people. Then try practising a little bit of kindness in your dealings with MIL.

nokidshere · 03/03/2020 17:05

Got to say im surprised at the comments suggesting he doesnt need any support from his mum about losing his dad...to me that is all wrong. I couldnt imagine not supporting my future children if their father died

He needs support from you. His mum won't be in any place where she is able to support someone else. I think you have underestimated the huge loss a lifelong partner is.

When FIL died they had been together 60yrs, it took MIL a good 2yrs to be a fully autonomous functioning adult again. DH supported her and I supported him grieving for his dad.

underfall · 03/03/2020 17:12

I wonder if this grieving lady might be better off moving to live near her sister, if her son is so angry towards his parents that he goes on holiday while his father is dying.

This mother-son relationship sounds like a write-off.

Jux · 03/03/2020 17:13

I'm thinking of when my dad died. He'd been ill for a year, dx about 4 months. Mum knew he was dying from when he first became ill though unless he got treatment superfast, which didn't happen no matter how hard their g p pushed the ontology dept. So he died, we all watched helplessly as his condition deteriorated, and then he died.

My brother's and I were actually devastated BUT we had all left home. Mum had lived every day with him, they had had plans for their future. She lost so much more than we did. There was no doubt in our minds who took priority in the grieving stakes (we didn't think like that).

We made sure that we all saw her often, spent time with her, went out and about with her, popped in to see her. None of us lived that close to her, and 2 of us relied on public transport.

We had always got along very, very well with our parents, so none of this was hard.

I see that you dislike your mil. How well does your dh get on with her?

dayswithaY · 03/03/2020 17:13

I'm also baffled that your DH didn't want to be disturbed on holiday by the news of his Dad's death. Imagine lying on a beach unaware that your Dad has gone and back home family members are grieving and having to deal with funeral arrangements. Then after two weeks - "how was your holiday, by the way your Dad is dead."

Sadly my Dad does this, he doesn't want to know if his elderly mother dies while he is on holiday as there's nothing he can do about it anyway (his words). My sister and I were also banned from ringing to tell him if we gave birth during one of his holidays. Presumably, for the same reasons. Once while he was on holiday, his mother had a bad fall in the night and my siblings and I had to rush out to take her to hospital. I scrubbed blood out of her carpets from where she had fallen but still no one dared to phone Dad.

No advice to give, as so much has already been said. Just that people are strange.

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2020 17:18

I really hope this is a wind up but sadly I don't think it is.

The poor woman is self harming and suicidal and all the OP can think about is her future DC.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 17:21

Blimey the poor woman is very recently bereaved, suicidal and all you care about is she should have been supporting her son and she should get over it friggen quick or not be near your unborn baby, which is literally new due for the best part of eight moths?

Nice.

OneOfManyDays · 03/03/2020 17:26

I feel really quite appalled and disgusted reading this OP. You say your MIL is selfish but take some time to re-read your post... not once have you acknowledged that she is going through a horrendously difficult time in grieving her husband. Honestly, I feel you and OH should be more active in supporting HER - her behaviour may be grating and uncomfortable for you right now, but consider what she's going through for a moment and find a shred of compassion.

If and when my Dad passes (which I hope won't be for a long time) I'm certain my Mum will fall apart for some time. They've been together since they were 16, married over 30 years. It'll be like she has lost a part of her personality. I have no expectations that Mum will be supporting me at that stage, and it will be the other way around.

Finally, you are 9 weeks pregnant. 9 WEEKS. Good Lord, get a grip. Already you are using your children as an emotional weapon for your own agenda and games by 'imposing limits'. This sort of thing is just wrong. If you are genuinely worried about the safety of the yet-to-be-born baby, then you simply dont engineer an opportunity for child to be left with her. There's never a need to start parading about and shouting about imposing limitations. It's just not necessary and is incredibly over dramatic!