AIBU to impose these restrictions on my MIL??

[KRW95]

I am currently 9 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I plan on telling our families at 12 weeks however I have ongoing issues with my MIL. Her husband, my FIL passed away in November after a long illness and she is still grieving badly. She is selfish as a person anyway, and we try to be supportive however she completely dominates the grieving process and doesnt support her son(my husband) and acts like she is the only one suffering. She has zero respect for my husband (told him about his dad passing whilst we were abroad despite him asking her not to, told him in great detail how awful and traumatic the passing was, forces him to visit his graveside, tells my husband he doesnt do anything for her yet he took them to all appointments and was always at the hospital and has recently driven her 3 hours away and back for a trip away with her sister) anyway, im digressing. The worst thing she does IMO is tell my husband regularly she doesnt see the point in living and wishes she had died with him and thinks about taking an overdose or cutting her wrists but says the only thing that prevents her is her dog. She also makes her 9mo grand daughter look at pictures of her deceased grand father regularly.

Basically, AIBU to lay down the law with her and my husband and make it clear there is no way I will be allowing my child to be alone in her company if she is threatening suicide or self harm and making people stare at his photos all day? Or do I risk a big fall out and risk making her feel worse?

Three months is nothing after losing a spouse. Two years is more often quoted as the "time to normal" with a gradual progression.

That said, suicidal thoughts are extreme and sounds like more professional help is needed.

My dad always replies 'just waiting to die' when he is asked how he is
He is not suicidal and never has been
He is lonely
I think you are being a bit hard on her
This is still very early days. My dad was so wrapped up in his own grief when she died that it never occurred to him that we wanted support too. But he does now.
Give her a break

Did you post any ‘be kind’ face book post recently?

Grief can be paralysing .. you are very selfish

The only examples you give of the problems with your MIL date from the death of your FIL, I’m pretty sure from the tone of your post you would have told us about any issues prior to that.
When my dad died after being terminally ill for two years, so my mum knew it was coming, she was absolutely distraught. She had lost her life partner of almost 50 years her grief was overwhelming.
I adored my dad we were very close and saw I him at least once a week, but my grief was nothing compared to hers I have my DH my children, work, friends my life went on pretty much the same, hers ground to a halt for quite some time.
Quite frankly if my DH had questioned the time I spent with my mum, taking her places, dealing with things over the phone for her, solicitor etc. He would have been told to mind his own business, he didn’t because his own dad had died a few years before mine and even though he was upset he supported his mum through her grief.
Oh and yes she showed my children photos of my dad and I was pleased to share in the remembering.

I am assuming there is more of a back story regarding your relationship with your MIL ...but even so, if she is expressing suicidal thoughts/telling your DH how she might end her life then I think his first priority should be ensuring she gets the help she needs, with the first port of call being a visit to the GP.

You’ve got a horrible attitude towards this poor woman. You say I couldnt imagine not supporting my future children if their father died but can you imagine your future children telling you not to disturb their holiday to tell them if their dad died?

You don’t have to make a big statement.

Talk to your husband. Get him on your side that for The time being, you won’t be leaving her alone with your child. Possibly Agree to re-evaluate periodically.

Then just don’t leave her alone with the baby. You don’t have to make some grand statement. Just don’t let it happen.

You sound very unsympathetic and inexperienced when it comes to grief.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And it's impossible to predict how you may cope should you ever lose a spouse.

If she is threatening suicide, she needs to see her GP. Maybe try and support her a bit instead of making it all about you and a hypothetical situation at some point in the future that doesn't even exist yet.

“Imposing restrictions” good god, who made you the boss of your MIL? Honestly, you sound like a self centred little princess who is jealous because your FILs death is getting in the way of the most important event in the world ever (your pregnancy obvs).

You seriously need to wind your neck in and try and imagine just for one millisecond what it’s like to lose the man you’ve spent your whole adult life with. This isn’t about you, and if you try making it about you or making your husband choose, then don’t be surprised if he chooses his devastated and bereaved mother rather than his spoilt brat wife.

9 weeks, you're only 9 weeks pregnant and you want to impose restrictions on your grieving Mother in Law.
You do sound quite selfish, you can't imagine not supporting your nonexistent children, when you have a Mil that's grief stricken. You have no empathy or decency.

I lost a parent in my late teens - it was an absolute fucking shit show. Except I got to go back to uni, back on nights out, back to studies and to work, and to my then boyfriend. Do you know what my mum had? Endless paperwork to deal with, bills to pay and an empty bed she'd shared for over 20 years. It is hard and that grief takes a long time to work through.

You DH sounds like he's not v supportive either - went on holiday and didn't want to be told so just expecting his mum to get on with it without his support? She's clearly crying out for help.

She has just lost her life partner. She sounds like she’s grieving and depressed so no don’t leave the baby (tbf by the time the baby arrives things could be very different if she gets help now) but ffs be a little kinder to her.

One thing you say really stood out to me, about her making her 9 month old granddaughter look at photos of her grandad That is a nice thing to do, the child will never know her grandfather, it’s good for her and will be good for your MIL. How can you resent her that?

I’ve recently lost my Dad. My Mum is grieving and it is way harder for her than it is for me, I have my DH and 3DC. She is lost and alone in the world after 45 years. My family can support me. I support my Mum.

You sound self centred and nasty in all honesty.

Op my gran was like your mother in law she was married to my grandad for almost 49 years and one night he dropped down dead that was 8 years ago and she's still not over it you never get over it yeah her sons my dad and uncle were heartbroken that they lost their dad but my gran lost her best friend her soul mate and to this day she wants to die as she wants to be with him again and it breaks my heart everyday maybe your mother in law is moaning at your husband to visit the grave as she thinks no one else will give her a break as she needs use more than ever now

I couldnt imagine not supporting my future children if their father died.

When my husband died my daughters were in their early 20s and living at home. I really thought I was holding it together, but I look back now and am horrified at the decisions I made. I was nowhere near as available for my kids as I should have been. I coped by withdrawing into myself or another world, and spending far too much time on the internet. It turns out that they felt that they couldn't approach me for comfort. I wasn't 'there'. That appalls me now.

What I'm trying to say is that when you lose your spouse, you're not in your right mind for a long time. You might think you are, but you're not. And you can't be the support that you think you'd want to be before this happens.

Your MIL is getting things very wrong right now. And it'll take time to get her back. But you need to be patient.

I do feel for her that her own son told her not to tell him when her husband/ his dad died. How incredibly hard for her to deal with the loss alone and not be able to look to him for support on the worst day of her life. No wonder she caved.

OP, while I do appreciate it is very difficult for you, may I, as someone who lost my husband a year ago after 52 years of marriage, gently say that losing a much loved partner you have spent your life with is a hell like no other.

While I am a bit of a 'get a grip' person and have, I think, managed to rein in the worst of my feelings with my middle aged children, understanding that they too have lost someone precious to them and not wishing to burden them, grief for many of us feels as if you are going mad, a time of unbearable pain and inner loneliness: and yes, I too, have struggled in seeing the point of going on and often wished I was not here because life just hurts so much.

Some of us manage to internalise our pain more than others, but if your MIL can't please try and understand and, in time, if necessary see if she will accept help from other sources.

KRW95 - Got to say im surprised at the comments suggesting he doesnt need any support from his mum about losing his dad...to me that is all wrong. I couldnt imagine not supporting my future children if their father died.
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I get what you are saying but your mother in law's grief is overwhelming at the moment, she needs more support than her son. Her son has you!

I do know what I'm talking about, my husband died last July and I'm still in a fog.

The important thing at this hard time is for your mother in law and your husband to communicate, ie for him to listen to her and then, for you to listen to him.

This situation is not going to remain the same forever.

I guess OP that you are only going to understand how awful this post is when you yourself have suffered the paralysing grief of losing a partner. 9 weeks? most people dont get over the death of a pet in that time let alone their partner.

I am going to put it down to pregnancy hormones and give you the benefit of the doubt. But honestly, you are coming across as not a particularly nice person.

November was so recent, she's still in the thick of the grieving process. Her threats to harm herself are irrational and a bit of attention seeking but likelihood is, when she learns she's going to be a grandmother, she'll find she has a whole new reason for living and it will hopefully lift her up.

In the meantime your DH can gently start setting some boundaries. He should say no occasionally to her demands he visit the grave. When she makes comments about him doing nothing to support her just a simple "I'm sorry you feel the support I give you is not enough" and change the subject.

OP, your future children are hypothetical dependants. Your son is an adult who has his own support network and also has responsibility. If he was a child, I would expect his mum to help him navigate the loss of his dad. But he isn’t a child. Roles change.

You sound very unkind and I don’t think MIL has done anything out of the ordinary. She hasn’t threatened suicide from what you say, she has articulated suicidal thoughts, which is quite different and is common when grieving. Doesn’t mean she isn’t able to be responsible and look after a child.

I think it would be a hideous thing to do to essentially tell her that you’re judging the way she is grieving and putting distance between her and the new grandchild. Why not let her have something positive and feel that she has a role / is needed? You don’t sound very nice.

She’sa desperately heart broken grieving widow!

I hope the arrival of your little one in approximately 31 weeks time gives her a measure of joy.
Please be kind to her. She’s suffering right now.

You also mentioned that your FIL was very unwell before his death - I wonder if your MIL was his main carer? If so, her grief may be more acute as she is also struggling to come to terms with a loss of role/purpose?

Rather than considering whether to impose restrictions, a kinder approach may be for you and DH to sit down with MIL and talk to her. Ask her how she is feeling. Ask her how you can support her/what she expects from you. Ask her about her life with FIL. Ask to look through her photo albums - these are clearly important to her!

It is also worth mentioning that many people, parents included, have suicidal thoughts - these thoughts do not render a person incapable of looking after a child. Of course, you would have to assess this for yourself as the circumstances will be unique but I struggle to see how you can do this without talking to her to explore what is going on! Without doing that, I would argue your "restrictions" would be perhaps unfairly based on a knee jerk response to her distress and could be quite stigmatising.

A part of my mum died when my dad died. It was 30 years ago and she still is very clear that all what wants most in life is to die and be reunited with him. That isn’t the same as being suicidal

At one point about 10 years after dad died I asked her to stop repeating this in front of 8 year old DS because it was upsetting him and to her credit she did (about the only time she’s ever listened to me) but to me and other close family she is still very clear about what she wants. She has even turned down chemo and radiation treatment for a current cancer because for her treatment seems much worse than dying.

I don’t think I’d feel the same way if my DH died but I can’t be sure of that unless and until that happens. As for my mum, my role is to support her however I can, not judge her.

Got to say im surprised at the comments suggesting he doesnt need any support from his mum about losing his dad...to me that is all wrong. I couldnt imagine not supporting my future children if their father died.

From seeing this in my own life, dh's, my friends, really the grief a spouse feels after the death of their spouse after a long marriage is all-consuming. It isn't just the loss of the person but their entire way of living is changed. I don't know one person where the widow/er had room to support adult children. They were too busy just surviving throught the grief and loss.

This woman is saying she is suicidal. I doubt she is doing that to annoy and upset her son. She is in the very early stages of immense grief and may well feel that life isn't worth living.

Also, I don't understand the thing about not telling her son that his father had died because he was abroad. Are you seriously thinking she should have pretended his father was still alive until he got back in the country? who could do that?

Who goes on holiday when their dad is dying and forbids next of kin from notifying them?

That is a new level of callousness in many ways. You clearly have no notion of what it would really mean to be adequate as a family member, never mind supportive. You're lucky she still talking to you.