Would you say something to DD about her clothes

[wouldyousaysomething]

DD is 17 and has some really lovely clothes. She is quite big but when she dresses well looks gorgeous.

Quite often though she wears some of her clothes in a really unflattering way.
Think short tops with see through leggings.

She'll wear an off the shoulder top & skirt when it is snowing outside or if we're going out for a walk wearing boots.

IABU to tell her that she's wearing her clothes in an unflattering way or that her choice isn't suitable for the occasion?

She's 17 so it feels VU but she looks ridiculous and not in a 'teenage quirky experimenting with fashion' way.

It can be a good look. Not for everyone though!

What you really mean is 'not for her because she's fat'. Except plus size girls ARE wearing what everyone else is these days because they're more body confident - and good for them.

I just want her to make the most of what she has got. She's gorgeous

But you're only happy for her to do that on YOUR terms, to YOUR taste. Why can't you just let her be and praise the things you love about her? If you think she's gorgeous, tell her that without attaching conditions. As someone who has been where your daughter is now and has the incredibly damaged, distant relationship with her mother as a result, I beg you to reconsider replacing your criticism - no matter how well meaning you think it is - with unconditional love and support.

Booboo
Don't be ridiculous.
Have you ever been shopping with friends or DDs? The changing rooms are full of women discussing outfits. What looks good and what doesn't.
Honestly some people on MN are mad.

To go against the grain my mum and sister always tell me what I look good in/ dont look good in. I am petite so certain things swamp me and I look ridiculous. They will say helpful things like "no that isnt right for you, what about x or y, you look pretty in that and it suits your figure". No way would they let me go out in public in see through leggings. I would expect a family member or close friend to tell me.

I bought a full-length mirror and put it on the wall next to the front door. A smaller one on the opposite wall. Told them to check no one could see their pants.
And let them get on with it.

I remember once when my sister came home from university in winter when it was snowing and she was wearing sandals. She got a bit upset at the time at what she thought was unreasonable criticism

I just want her to make the most of what she has got. She's gorgeous.

But she is, she's just doing it in full knowledge of what is needed to fit in with her peers and not her mother. Knowledge you and I don't have.

To go against the grain my mum and sister always tell me what I look good in/ dont look good in.

If OP and her daughter were in that place, this thread would never have been started.

There are many girls wearing leggings ATM, even the bigger ones. Because you can see the body you can see their cellulite and it looks really bad. At least OP you don't sound like my parents who would always criticise anything half decent I wanted to try on, I had to wear what they thought was ok and everybody would make fun of me. It was horrendous. I wish my mum had some style sense like you do.

My mum really prioritised making me feel confident (as her father made her feel very self-conscious as a teen) but she would always comment if something was not weather/activity appropriate (e.g. "you need a coat" or "flat shoes/wellies today"). She also commented if something was see through as I would never have worn anything like that deliberately and would have been very embarrassed if someone else had commented. So imo it's fine to bring those types of things up. As far as style is concerned, that's up to your daughter and I wouldn't say anything unless she asks for your opinion.

Sorry i havent managed to read everything but re the leggings.

I found many trousers and Jean's dig into my tummy when I sit down so leggings are far more comfortable. However cheap leggings are generally see through. Can you take her shopping and buy a couple of pairs of better quality ones. Next or Roman originals do thicker leggings. Or encourage her to try jeggings. You can get ones that are like leggings but a thicker material.

Also the tops. Go to matalan and buy her some long line vests which she can wear under her shorter tops. These will cover her bottom. Matalan ones are about £4 but a fair quality.

Everderose
Exactly this!!
I have two very good friends and we go shopping together.
They are brutally honest and tell me if things hang right or suit me.
We all look out for outfits for each other.

Please also take some time to really examine your attitude towards her weight. You say I'm wrong but that's not how it's coming across and it could be very damaging to her if it comes across the same way to her. Maybe read some body-positive literature like Healthy At Every Size and Body Positive Power.

So would you have said the exact same thing with the exact same outfits if she was a size 8?

But they're your friends, not your mum. Totally different relationship.

Just RTFT and saw that you did.

Do you not remember being 17 at all?! I wore some crazy shit. The more it wound people up, the more I would do it. Mum never reacted to it. Just let me get on with it!

At 17, it’s got to be REALLY frustrating having your mum mither on about the wether and how cold she’ll be in what she’s wearing. She’s a big girl. She’s presumably intelligent. Why patronise her like this? Let her wear what she wants and bite your tongue. I’m sure she might have some opinions on what you wear too!!

I wish my mum told me about some of my questionable style choices I’d take her shopping and get her colours done and teach her how to dress for her shape maybe get her a book

Also, isn't it interesting (and depressing) that there are so many similar threads about daughters, very very rarely about sons? We really really need to move away from judging other women on their clothes and appearance, imposing our opinions and putting them down.

How would you feel OP if your DH (or theoretical DH/male DP if not appropriate) started a thread with similar comments about you "making the most of what you've got" or that he didn't think your "top went with your trousers"? I suspect you'd think "fuck off" and I suspect we would all think "he should fuck off"' too. Or if your DD's father had started a thread like this with the comments you have made? That would definitely be a resounding fuck off and it should be! It's not OK for men to judge women like this, and it's not OK for women to judge other women like this.

(Being overweight shouldn't be an elephant in the room for their loved ones to ignore, but from a health perspective not appearance).

I don't know. My mum mostly let me get on with it at that age, although I'm pretty sure she didn't 'get' the short skirts, striped tights and huge para boots with bleached red hair and several piercings (gotta love the grunge days) but I look back on those days fondly as it's the first time I felt 'part' of something as all my friends wore similar things.

Having said that, if my mum had purposefully let me go out in public with my pants unwittingly on display then I would have been mortified.

If I've been shopping with my mum and tried things on with her, she has always been honest with me, which although I might have been pissed off with at the time, I am grateful for now. Friends will usually want to be nice to you and not always be totally honest but my mum is the one person I could always count on to tell me if something looked unflattering. Whether I listened to her was down to me.

"Honestly some people on MN are mad"

And yet, here you are asking their advice. So are you only going to take on board the ones you agree with? In which case, don't bother starting the thread!

Have you never taken your DD's clothes shopping? Do you tell them they look good in every outfit even when they don't?

Yes, i used to take them shopping. They're adults now and occasionally we all go shopping together (usually so they can get me in something they like rather than what i like, i often try things i wouldn't try when alone and occasionally i buy them). When they were teenagers and experimenting i would offer guidance and if i was paying there were one or two things that i flat out refused to buy (usually slogan t-shirts). But as soon as they had a clothing allowance or they bought their own - i would only comment on the things i liked.

The changing rooms are full of women discussing outfits. What looks good and what doesn't.

That is true, OP - does your daughter go shopping with her friends? I'm sure if she does they do that.

The thing is these days it can be a bit, not shocking exactly but certainly surprising, to us older types when we see how body positive young women are getting. And when you get over that shock, it's bloody brilliant. They dress to please themselves more often than not, and they love it. I absolutely love their confidence. (also those modern sports leggings are so bloody comfy, i live in them at home)

Agree with others, point out if her leggings are see through (not in a ‘you can’t wear that’ way but a ‘did you know you can see your knickers’) way and let her know you think she might be cold but not the critique of her choice of clothing combinations or whether you think it is flattering.

And compliment her when she does look nice in your opinion. A straight out compliment, not one that actually includes a criticism as well. (E.g. ‘you look much slimmer in that’ or ‘that’s much nicer than what you wore yesterday’). Just say ‘you look lovely’.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles I didn’t mention the sex of my children. I have 2 sons and a daughter and teach them all exactly the same what suits them and what is appropriate. I had to explain to my 9yr old that his Nike tracksuit wasn’t suitable for his grandads 80th meal the other day.

OP I know what you mean and I don't think you're being mean at all, I think you have her best interests at heart. You are obviously looking to handle it sensitively.

My DM had the same problem sometimes with my dsis. She has tried to say things in the past but dsis gets very angry and defensive. But the fact is, people do make mean comments behind her back sometimes which dsis would be very upset about and would want to change.

I think part of it is that dsis and probably your dd, don't realise how something looks on them. It may look one way in the mirror but once they are moving around etc. Clothes may ride up or fall differently. I know there have been many occasions of dsis seeing a photo and realising and being mortified. This may sound cruel but could you maybe take some photos (in an innocent way!) On the days where things don't look right and casually show them to your dd? I think a lot of people will say this is mean but if your dd is happy with how she looks in the clothes it isn't a problem, but if she isn't, perhaps it is a way for her to realise for herself how things really look.

I also think it is about self awareness. If it were me personally, I would be looking into ways to improve her self awareness. I wouldn't say a word to her as she will feel that you are getting at her which will destroy her confidence. But perhaps modelling it in yourself?

I'd maybe go with 'you're aware your leggings are a little see through, yeah?' So as to show you're confident in her choice of what she would like to wear and if that's the look she's going for then to crack on, but also to ensure she is aware that they're see through. She may not know!

Say nothing. My mother said a few things like this to me as a teen and it just hurt me lots, and damaged our relationship. Part of being a teen is experimenting with what to wear and often it goes wrong. Let her learn on her own.