Would you say something to DD about her clothes

[wouldyousaysomething]

DD is 17 and has some really lovely clothes. She is quite big but when she dresses well looks gorgeous.

Quite often though she wears some of her clothes in a really unflattering way.
Think short tops with see through leggings.

She'll wear an off the shoulder top & skirt when it is snowing outside or if we're going out for a walk wearing boots.

IABU to tell her that she's wearing her clothes in an unflattering way or that her choice isn't suitable for the occasion?

She's 17 so it feels VU but she looks ridiculous and not in a 'teenage quirky experimenting with fashion' way.

Could you recover this when she gets home? Apologize for commenting and then plan a girly shopping trip at some point? Or even a bit of online shopping.

Also just on leggings- most of them are crap but very well amazing ones online which you can definitely wear as trousers. I think you're better off dropping things into conversation like that ' Jo had these amazing leggings on yesterday, they're the only non see through ones I've ever seen! Do you want me to get you a pair, she said they're really comfy'

gamer
Me too! Even in blazing sunshine!
How we forget... 😂
Wish my Mum had bothered to say something though. I never knew how to dress for the weather & it was bloody miserable - freezing cold or too hot.

I can't see any example picture so it's hard to get a feel for what you mean. Off the shoulder in cold weather seems like her mistake to make to me, but I maybe would tell her leggings are see through and if you can see tummy under top maybe just mention if she's bothered about it? If she doesn't mind it's up to her though!

I hear you OP. My 17 yo is quite slim but I think leggings with a short top are yuck. It's an ugly look. My neighbour is super slim and even on her they just look wrong. I do bite my tongue but I'm sure my face says plenty as DD rolls her eyes when I look at her.

My mother disapproved of my choice of clothes when I was a teenager (and probably still) which is why I try not to say anything. It's their (dd's) call, not mine.

Leggings are gym wear though and unflattering on anyone over 10 outside of an exercise class.

Herpes
She left the house before I started this thread. The conversation had already taken place.

My mum has a terrible sense of fashion. If she dressed well when I was a teenager I would have loved to have had conversations about what looked good on me (maybe not too much what didn't). Usually things that look good on you are also comfortable. I doubt very thin leggings and crop tops (on a plus size person) feel comfortable. Get her into quality clothes - cotton or hemp - and she will know the difference. Took me years to realise the fabric and quality is everything.

You are the one who will give her a body problem. Let her be.

I would say something, if she was my daughter, why would I lie to her?

egg
I'm going to try!

Please don't say anything. My friend is large and her mother used to tell her to dress better for her size. It never went down well with my friend. As my friend put it "my mum always puts me down" and there was just no need.

I think comments on style- no. But comments pointing out something she might not be aware of e.g visible knickers - absolutely yes. I say this as someone who regularly gets an eyeful on the steep escalator in Leeds train station! I always think “ I wonder if her Mums said something.,” but of course as a stranger I wouldn’t dare ( unless it was skirt accidentally caught in knickers )

Thanks for so many replies!
I need to tread carefully and you've given loads of good advice.

For those of you who would never dream of commenting and think I'm going to ruin her forever... Have you never taken your DD's clothes shopping? Do you tell them they look good in every outfit even when they don't?

Let her wear what she wants they’re her fashion mistakes to make.
With the top it would have been kinder to say ‘it’s a bit chilly your back will be cold when you sit down if you wear that top’. Focus on functionality everything else is up to her.

DDs not DD's!

I think you're allowed to have an opinion.
I think you're allowed to express it.
Kindly.

PPs have given lots of helpful ways of saying it.

Can I just point out you criticised about 4 different things? We think we've said one thing, but what they hear is a barrage of criticism:

1. I told her that it was really cold outside (rain/sleet)
2. she'd be freezing even with a coat.
3. I could see her back when she sat down and
4. that the top 'didn't really go with that particular pair of trousers'
5. Maybe a longer top?

You need to try and confine it to one point- do you have something warmer to wear?
And bear in mind at college the rooms might be really hot and stuffy.

Have you never taken your DD's clothes shopping?
I give advice when it’s ask for or i would suggest an alternative if I’m not keen ie say it’s nice but I think this one would look really really good. She doesn’t always listen but I’m not wearing them.
I was a teenage goth and my mum was never happy with what I wore and it caused so much unneeded conflict.

I think you are mixing up quite a few different things.

If you don't like her fashion sense then keep that to yourself. People have individual styles, she is not dressing to please you. Also, realistically as we get older some of what passes as fashion for the younger generation is bound to look ridiculous to us.

If you think what she is wearing is too sexy, too revealing or too provocative, then say nothing because it is truly none of your business. You will only damage her self-exteem by commenting on this. Good for her, for having the confidence to show off her body.

If you think that what she is wearing is unreasonable for the season, say nothing. She is 17yo not 3yo, she can judge for herself if she might feel cold or suffer the consequences.

If you think that she is too large to be wearing the clothes she wears then definitely say nothing. This kind of comment will be deeply damaging to her self-esteem. She seems to have a lot more confidence in herself than you have in her. Thinking that some types of clothes are only for thin people is deeply damaging to everyone else. Her body is not shameful so don't make her feel that way. I understand you may be worried about her health because of her weight but that has nothing to do with how she looks or what clothes she wears.

If her knickers are showing and you think this is not intentional (fashions change, I remember a time when showing your bra strap was considered very inappropriate) then gently say something, but only if you are certain it is unintentional.

MrsGrind
In my job I also see a lot of clothing mishaps... They don't go unnoticed by other teens believe me. Some of the comments are really cruel.

wouldyousaysomething
Yes I believe she was grateful. She was a big shocked and didn't really believe me. Until I pointed out- why would I lie about this!

She lived in those thin leggings until I pointed it out, then suddenly stopped... Until she had found some ultra thick leggings and now she wears these.

My mum used to do this to me and I hated it. But she didn’t always do it in the most kindest way. I look back at some of my choices and cringe that I went out like that but don’t we all?!
I have 3 children now much younger than yours and I try to teach them about colours that go together and what’s appropriate for what we are doing and what looks good on them in a drip feeding kid of way. Maybe learn what’s trendy at the moment for her age group and go shopping together and see what she likes and give advice. My mum would just say my belly was hanging out but her alternatives were her style- not what a 17yr old wanted to wear

I really hope you’ve not said anything to your daughter. She doesn’t actually need anyone else to think she looks pretty, only herself, as her self worth doesn’t rely on the opinions of others. Anything said to her at this age will stay with her forever and she will never forget how it made her feel. You should celebrate her body confidence and different style, not try and make her fit into the box you want. Sorry OP, you sound like a very lovely mum, but YABU!

Are you slim op? I’m “plus size” and a top and coat often does me fine, especially when walking around as we get hotter.

She is probably fully aware that her top rides up when she sits down, would it be an issue if she was a size 8? Or are you looking at this through fatphobic eyes? Plus size teenagers are become less confined to baggy tents, frumpy dresses and unfashionable clothes that was around when I was a teenager. I stick to clothes that “flatter me” (or hide my rolls and disgusting body) and as a result I wear styles that I hate and I have zero self esteem. I think it’s great that your daughter feels confident enough to dress how she likes, and as long as she is dressing appropriately for a situation (ie not wearing jeans and a crop to to a job interview) then what is the problem? I do understand you’re trying to protect her from nasty comments but honestly, they will come if she is wearing her usual style or covered up. People are arseholes and see fat people as a target.

Apologise and respect her clothes choices Best to take a deep breath and let it go, it is not for you to choose or pass judgement on
Although you are being protective, as others say, it will not be taken this way, as needing to make her own choices is normal

I would never comment on my ds's clothes, he wears what he likes and I would get the right hump if he commented on mine.