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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you say something to DD about her clothes

465 replies

wouldyousaysomething · 03/03/2020 08:13

DD is 17 and has some really lovely clothes. She is quite big but when she dresses well looks gorgeous.

Quite often though she wears some of her clothes in a really unflattering way.
Think short tops with see through leggings.

She'll wear an off the shoulder top & skirt when it is snowing outside or if we're going out for a walk wearing boots.

IABU to tell her that she's wearing her clothes in an unflattering way or that her choice isn't suitable for the occasion?

She's 17 so it feels VU but she looks ridiculous and not in a 'teenage quirky experimenting with fashion' way.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 03/03/2020 09:19

I had a mum like you. She made me feel like absolute shit and caused me even more issues with my weight and self esteem than I would have had otherwise. Get some help for your attitude towards your daughter's weight, for her sake and yours. And let her wear what she wants and deal with the concequences herself, if there are any.

Sonders · 03/03/2020 09:19

It's clear you mean well OP and have taken onboard other's suggestions. I agree to steer clean of commenting on her style choices, but definitely tell her you can see her pants! I was a teen when perfectly flat-ironed hair was the only look, I GHD'd my hair every darn day for about 5 years.

Towards the end, my mum said in a 'jokey' way that if I cared so much about my appearance, I'd straight all of my hair and not leave the patch at the back. Apparently there was one bit I missed pretty much every time - and she just didn't tell me. I felt like a right wally.

If I were your daughter, I'd be mortified that everyone could see my pants, and my mum knew the whole time and didn't tell me!

gamerwidow · 03/03/2020 09:19

In my job I also see a lot of clothing mishaps... They don't go unnoticed by other teens believe me. Some of the comments are really cruel.
It’s hard biting your tongue. I think it’s really clear that you have her very best interest at heart but she has to learn for herself unfortunately. However painful that might be.

Original poster
wouldyousaysomething · 03/03/2020 09:20

booboo
I love her clothes!
I'll try and explain!

Leggings & one of her many T-shirts/sweatshirts - great for college.
Leggings with a very short off the shoulder top which was bought to go with a skirt - No!

OP posts:
amazedmummy · 03/03/2020 09:20

It would have been perfectly appropriate to tell her her leggings were see through. I suspect what you've done is made her feel self conscious.

NotQuiteUsual · 03/03/2020 09:20

17 is the age she should be experimenting with her style and finding what she likes. If you want to be able to have any say, then you need to let her give you a say in what you wear. At her age it needs to be a 2 way street. If you want to start a dialogue about it you need to ask her opinion on your style first. Even then she might not be interested at all.

peachgreen · 03/03/2020 09:20

Leggings with a very short off the shoulder top which was bought to go with a skirt - No!

Says who?

bugbhaer · 03/03/2020 09:21

bigger girls don't always look good wearing tucked in tops or tiny tops with leggings whereas slim girls can get away with it.

They don't care. I kind of admire them for it. At uni it's all sports leggings and many of those glutes have never seen a squat rack.

The only thing I would mention is the leggings, as in, "I think these leggings have been in the wash too many times and they're past their best. Shall we order some new pairs?"

Original poster
wouldyousaysomething · 03/03/2020 09:21

Very short off the shoulder top with skirt it was bought with - Gorgeous!

OP posts:
Bakedbrie · 03/03/2020 09:22

There’s nothing wrong with gently pointing out a possible “wardrobe malfunction” to your daughter......so “are you aware the leggings are see-through?” Or “there’s a breeze outside, you sure you’re going to be warm enough in the skirt?”
But I’d leave it at that. To a degree, I’m afraid people have to learn from their mistakes. My DS17 went to the gym the other day in just a T shirt...refused to take a jacket to wear afterwards. Had a long walk back, froze to death - lesson learned. She may find that the see through leggings attract car horns, wolf whistles etc...again she has to learn a bit I think. Sorry.

JaneDacre · 03/03/2020 09:23

I think, in general, a person of 17 will look lovely whether they dress badly, are severely overweight or underweight, have bad skin etc. They have a lifetime of dressing sensibly ahead of them...surely this is the time they should wear what they want?

If you're worried from a health PoV, tackle that, particularly as she's almost at the independent stage of life.

You know, I'm sure we're supposed to look back at photos of us at 17 and laugh at what we wore.

bugbhaer · 03/03/2020 09:23

Leggings with a very short off the shoulder top which was bought to go with a skirt - No!

Seriously, this is how they dress. At my age leggings (or jodhpurs as it was in the 90s) were bought to be worn with a long, bum-skimming top. It's not how the young folk see things nowadays.

Original poster
wouldyousaysomething · 03/03/2020 09:23

Peach

In the rain and sleet with no coat? With knickers showing through?

Says me.

OP posts:
bugbhaer · 03/03/2020 09:24

“there’s a breeze outside, you sure you’re going to be warm enough in the skirt?”

I really wouldn't. All some of us fat women hear is, "You're fat, you should cover up your legs". She's 17, she knows it's cold outside. She doesn't care.

Original poster
wouldyousaysomething · 03/03/2020 09:25

You know, I'm sure we're supposed to look back at photos of us at 17 and laugh at what we wore.

True!

OP posts:
WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 03/03/2020 09:25

I think the problem with joint shopping trips (apart from using the work "girly" Wink) is that if you have very different tastes, realistically it's not going to be a smily happy bonding mother daughter experience as we all like to imagine Grin. It will probably involve sighing, humphing and some exasperated "ohmygod"s as you each show other clothes the other one hates. No good will come of it, believe me Grin

I think the bonding bit is important though and if you're stuck in a bit of a negative cycle, something like a cinema trip or going for coffee, avoiding contentious subjects like see through leggings Wink might be better?

I would also concentrate on the positive statements (isn't parenting teenagers like parenting toddlers sometimes?!) I actually really like it when the DC occasionally say my top is nice or something. It feels lovely. I sometimes see them dubiously eyeing my fluffy socks poking over the top of my boots but they bite their tongues. They also know if they say something No Good Will Come Of It.

(It's not all sweetness and light in my house, DD is about to go out with a hole in her tights which "no one can see for gods sake" and I'm biting my tongue!) I think they are my fucking tights too!

peachgreen · 03/03/2020 09:27

The weather has nothing to do with how she looks. If she wants to get wet and cold, let her. She'll learn. Or not. And the leggings being see through is also nothing to do with her choice of outfit. You're not saying she should wear different leggings, you're saying she shouldn't wear leggings with that top at all.

Your disgust at her weight comes through on every post. I feel very sorry for her.

Original poster
wouldyousaysomething · 03/03/2020 09:27

bugbear
It can be a good look. Not for everyone though!
I just want her to make the most of what she has got. She's gorgeous.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 03/03/2020 09:28

I’d leave her be unless she asks.

Booboostwo · 03/03/2020 09:28

Says me.

Now you are beginning to sound frankly controlling to a slightly deranged level. Not only is she 17yo so doesn't really care what you have to say on the topic of her clothes but it is, overall, a very bad idea to teach girls that others can judge and control what they wear.

Original poster
wouldyousaysomething · 03/03/2020 09:29

Your disgust at her weight comes through on every post. I feel very sorry for her.

How wrong you are.

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 03/03/2020 09:29

I just want her to make the most of what she has got. She's gorgeous.

Also inappropriate. You are not her stylist or her pimp.

EverdeRose · 03/03/2020 09:30

I have a different view o it OP.

I would be mortified to look unflattering, it's common sense that clothes these days are designed to look good on slimmer people, as a 14 I have to pay attention to how my clothes sit on my body and if they flatter my figure.

My mum was always good at telling me what was and what wasn't flattering on me, I still take her shopping now.

Tell her when she's wearing something unflattering in a kind way, but emphasise how amazing she usually looks 'why don't you put your skinny jeans on instead of those leggings, they're a bit see through while you're jeans make you're legs look shapely.'

Explain why you're telling her shes wearing something that's unflattering. Because you usually look so nice and this isn't your usual standard, because I don't want people embarrassing you by seeing your knickers, because your tummy is on show and it makes you look larger than you are.

It's not about commenting on her style but on how it looks on her.

amazedmummy · 03/03/2020 09:30

Agree @WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles a compliment on something you do like will go a long way. I was getting ready the other day to go out with DH. My mum was sitting looking after DS and she said "doesn't mummy look pretty". Still happy about it now.

JaneDacre · 03/03/2020 09:30

Also, I don't have any photos of me at 17. My mother was critical of us so I stopped allowing photos after about 12.

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