Would you say something to DD about her clothes

[wouldyousaysomething]

DD is 17 and has some really lovely clothes. She is quite big but when she dresses well looks gorgeous.

Quite often though she wears some of her clothes in a really unflattering way.
Think short tops with see through leggings.

She'll wear an off the shoulder top & skirt when it is snowing outside or if we're going out for a walk wearing boots.

IABU to tell her that she's wearing her clothes in an unflattering way or that her choice isn't suitable for the occasion?

She's 17 so it feels VU but she looks ridiculous and not in a 'teenage quirky experimenting with fashion' way.

It’s incredibly difficult. My oldest granddaughter is 15 and seriously, a lot of the time she looks like a sex worker. She is very busty and wears tight fitting Very low cut tops or mini dresses. She wears thick orange foundation and a lot of fake tan and my sweeping brush is not as long and thick as her false eyelashes. She can easily pass for someone in their early twenties and not in a good way. Sadly, she’s obsessed with Love Island so models her ‘look’ on those girls.

It breaks my heart to see her like this because she’s actually the sweetest girl and I love her to bits. Unfortunately, her parents are divorced and both loved up in new relationships which very obviously take precedence over their kids. They’re both as bad as one another so I’m not saying either parent is any sort of role model.

I’ve seen much older blokes leering at my granddaughter when we’ve been out together and I feel like screaming at them that she’s only fifteen! I never comment on her clothes and makeup because I know it would just alienate her and hurt her but I bought her some expensive good quality tanning water (hoping she’d use it), treated her to a store make up at the Benefit counter and bought her a trendy puffa jacket to try and cover her up a bit.

I sympathise with the OP. It’s really hard to say nothing but you just have to try subtle ways to deal with this. I take my granddaughter shopping occasionally- I don’t have such a lot of money - and ‘treat’ her to something more age appropriate if I can.

My main concern is to protect her as much as I can because, of course, she’s fifteen and knows everything. 😏

I’d try to positively reinforce outfit choices you like and think are flattering. Be very vocal about how nice she looks, how much it suits her. But yes, do tell her about the see through leggings, I’d absolutely want someone to tell me!

I would think nothing of saying something to any of my children and vice versa. I think you should always be honest and open, I would express my concern and they might take my advice or not. I would never try to hurt their feelings but I wouldn’t want someone else taking the piss out of them for wearing shit outfits.

"I would never try to hurt their feelings but I wouldn’t want someone else taking the piss out of them for wearing shit outfits." A teenager knows better than their mum about what other teenagers consider 'shit outfits'.

Short tops with leggings is a completely normal, current outfit.

Not RTFT (sorry, pushed for time) but have you considered getting one of those mirrors where you can see your back as well as your front for your DD?

I am frequently breathtaken (and not in a good way) by some people's unflattering clothing choices and can only conclude that they have never seen themselves walking away....and now I always check my back view as well as my front when I try a new outfit. It's astonishing how something that looks okish from the front can be indecent, unflattering or just plain weird from behind.

I would mention the leggings being see through, in a gentle way, and leave her alone with the rest of it. My mother used to comment on my clothes when I was young, and I hated it (and ignored her). I can also remember going to watch rugby in winter wearing not nearly enough clothes, but that was what you did - and young people don't seem feel the cold as much.

Your daughter is finding her way in life, in fashion and other ways, and she needs to do so by herself. A mother, no matter how cool, is from a different generation and her advice is not normally welcome.

Honestly, some of the comments here feel like a hark back to the 50s! We are long past the days of "this goes with that", and dressing to look our best. Everyone should feel comfortable wearing what they want to wear and shouldn't have to conform to someone else's idea of what suits them or looks good. Leave your daughter alone and let her become a confident woman.

There needs to be something said, you are after all guiding her as a parent. This is not a go at you, but it’s important to know how to dress appropriately. Sure, she can wear what she likes, but might actually need a hand here. She would know if she wasn’t a size 8 and even if she was, she clearly still needs guidance in how to dress. It’s really important girls get the opportunity to choose their style - but also they need a helping hand.

It breaks your hard if a random boy or girl would tell your daughter she looks bad in her clothes but you think it is OK to do it yourself? There is no way that you can make it sound or feel any better than it coming from a random person. If you don't have to say something nice ....

Wow, the amount of vitriol poured over OP is fascinating.

I am currently a plus size woman who was a plus size teen, then a size 4 late-teen to mid-30s. I've been on both sides. My mother didn't keep quiet. She wasn't cruel, but she did have conversations with me about my weight (when I was in my teens) in terms of both health and appearance.

1. Just like size 4 girl can 'see herself' in the mirror as plus sized, a plus size girl can also 'see herself' as size 4. I did both. In fact, one of the reasons why I managed to get back to plus size is because I didn't 'see' myself gaining that much weight.
2. Not EVERY girl whose mother suggested something else looks/fits better was hurt by those comments. I wasn't. I was and still am grateful for my mum's comments and interventions.
3. My DD is size 6 and wears things like this. Do you think Yes or No to that? And if you think Yes, then think to yourself why? You see, I'd say no... I find that combination vulgar (regardless of the size) outside a gym...but that is a matter of taste and its totally cool with me if someone else thinks it is an amazing combo. Which brings me to the point of influencing someone's taste and helping them grow. I have a DD and most certainly am hoping to help her look for and find her own style.

As a plus size person I don't think snug clothes look good on my extras - and it would be a lie to say I think they look good on other plus size people. Someone else will disagree and think they look great. I see no reason why their personal preference (taste) would be more important/valid than mine. Its all that is - personal taste. They like it, I don't. As long as it is put in those terms and discussed in those terms (personal preference/perception rather than as a matter of fact) - I see no reason why a mother couldn't discuss that with her teenage daughter.

When I was a teenager in the 90s I was a size 14 during the rave scene era and my mum used to pull a face and make comments about the stuff I used to wear out. I would wear it anyway but it used to upset me and I stopped asking her opinion and just wore what I wanted to wear anyway but felt she was judgemental. Looking back there were times she was probably right but it’s a rite of passage as a teen to make dodgy clothing choices. I’m just glad we didn’t have as much photographic evidence back then 😱

Have you never taken your DD's clothes shopping? Do you tell them they look good in every outfit even when they don't?

Not really. I’m not a shopper, she goes with dad sometimes, but mostly with friends or online. She’s had decent pocket money for a couple of years now so can buy her own stuff.

I’m another one with a mother who would constantly critique my choices, often making me go back and change. Bearing in mind this was a 50 year old woman who thought her fashion choices were still valid, and much of it wasn’t that it looked bad, but she didn’t think docs went with a dress or skirt, or that girls should wear leather jackets etc.

I’ve never told dd she looks bad in an outfit. I will say I prefer x to y on a choice of outfits, but that’s it. She’s developed a pretty good sense of fashion now.

So I’d leave her be. Possibly I may say she needs a new pair of leggings as those are getting see through, but that’s it.

I get where you're coming from! DD (11) is plump and insists on wearing tight tops tucked into jogging bottoms or jeans, it's awful, and really exaggerates he tummy! But I've told her loads of times (gently, that her top would look better out) and she just laughs and says she likes it like that....

I do worry about body-shaming and really don't want to give her any sort of complex. However the time will come when her peers will say something - I just hope it's kind friends being helpful rather than bullies being mean!

It's hard, but apart from the cheap see-through leggings I don't think you can say too much. I wouldn't have listened to my Mum either.....

When I was a teenager in the 90s I was a size 14 during the rave scene era and my mum used to pull a face and make comments about the stuff I used to wear out

There’s a number of times around 15/16 i’d get dressed to go out, come downstairs to a pulled face and criticism of my carefully chosen outfit, my confidence would bottom out and I’d go back upstairs, stay in and cry instead.

I was a size 10 but had no body confidence So never even dressed that wildly as i always hid my body. I went for the more gothy styles of boots, shirts, long skirts etc. So nothing skimpy or provocative even.

Then she wondered why I never went out, never dressed up and had no friends, when she was my age she was dressed up and out all the time....

FGS.
Ignore the comments saying that you'll wreck her self esteem by telling her etc.
My daughter is younger (11), but if she's wearing something that isn't flattering, of course I tell her and will continue to do so until she categorically tells me not to. Equally I will tell her when she looks good in my opinion. And she gives me her opinion on my clothes too- and I hope she continues to do so.

Such a first world issue and being totally over thought.

@oxoxoxoxo It IS bodyshaming... the other teenagers are wearing tight tucked in tops at different weights too, times and fashions change. Telling her it looks better untucked sends the wrong message and I don't think it's true anyway...

@PatButchersEarring You tell your ELEVEN year old daughter when you feel clothes don't flatter her body?! That's EXTREMELY harmful wtf.

Ok, so she’s 17, and wearing what sounds like what all the other actual 17 yr olds are wearing. If she’s bold and brave enough to wear it- just get on board and be happy you’ve raised an empowered and body confident young woman, you’ve done a great job.
Her style will change and develop and one day she’ll look back and wonder what she was thinking, but she’ll also remember her mum loved and supported her and her choices. But definitely tell her if you think she needs a coat. Or at least a big scarf ;)

Older women genuinely have a different perception of 'flattering' anyway for example a young person may want to accentuate larger thighs, hips etc whereas as older women often wants to disguise them with outfits a younger person would consider unflattering eg leggings with a dress/long top. This thread is eye opening to me as just because you're older surely that doesn't mean you don't realise current ways of dressing aren't 'wrong' but just not to YOUR taste..?

Imagine telling your 11 year old that her clothes should be "flattering". Christ almighty. She's 11. She's a child. Her clothes should be practical, or fun, or comfortable, or expressive, or experimental, but not flattering, fgs.

Build her up don’t tear her down. Give her compliments when she wears something nice and ignore the rest. It’s her self esteem not her clothing choice that’s important.

To clarify - DD also tells me what looks good and what is less so - and I think we have a good relationship. I would never tell her she looked awful or fat or whatever (and she isn't - just podgy, which she laughs about and says it's muscle...).

But my mother never gave me any guidance at all - and I was teased when I started secondary school for my lack of fashion sense or clothes awareness. My sister and I still cringe at the outfits she used to let us choose to wear out when we were at that impressionable age - think stripy tops with tartan skirts, or in my case - naff nylon dresses and velvet tops.......

I would have loved a bit of gentle support - saying a top looks better out than in (I agree - not always) is a statement rather than body-shaming, hopefully. And maybe a 17 year old won't listen but my 11 year old may absorb some of it - who knows. (Or she may not...).

Good on you OP. You sound a great mum who cares about her daughter. I don’t see any negative in anything you say. Ignore the dickheads on here starting an argument over something that doesn’t exist

As a bigger girl myself I think I'd be hurt...but then I've developed the skin of a rhino over the years as I'm fat and ginger but I still think in those moments " I'm just me and I am fine " .
No way to put it kindly op.
Maybe you can just say , "I don't think those leggings suit you as they are a bit see through maybe I can treat you to a couple of nicer pairs from m&s /next" (or whatever u think is appropriate).

Ps op to clarify you don't sound like a bad mother you just obviously care so just say what you think is best innit. (Yes I'm aware that "innit" isn't grammatically correct to the bourgeoisie crowd on here, unfortunately I'm working class at heart , with a degree so how is that for an oxymoron?;)