Would you say something to DD about her clothes

[wouldyousaysomething]

DD is 17 and has some really lovely clothes. She is quite big but when she dresses well looks gorgeous.

Quite often though she wears some of her clothes in a really unflattering way.
Think short tops with see through leggings.

She'll wear an off the shoulder top & skirt when it is snowing outside or if we're going out for a walk wearing boots.

IABU to tell her that she's wearing her clothes in an unflattering way or that her choice isn't suitable for the occasion?

She's 17 so it feels VU but she looks ridiculous and not in a 'teenage quirky experimenting with fashion' way.

I'm with you OP. You don't want people making fun of your DD... We've all been 17 and know teenagers are cruel to each other.

"banging on about their own issues" = offering a view from a perspective similar to your daughter's which could have helped you build up your daughter's self esteem and improve your relationship with her. But hey, feel free to disregard that advice if it makes you feel superior.

This brings back so many memories for me. I was plus sized as a teen and my mum kept trying to push her ideas of flattering onto me all the time. She basically thinks fat people should wear huge tents. I started dressing for my apple shape with skater dresses and wrap dresses etc and my mum would constantly make little comments.

The thing is, I know in her mind she was trying to help, but my style is very different from hers. I made mistakes sometimes of course but looking back at photos even in the ones where I look pole a sausage, I have a big smile on my face because I felt good. In the ones where my mum dressed me I was hunched over and looked sad.

My mum is plus size now and wears huge baggy things that are so unflattering but I don't say anything at all. The only time we went shopping together was for my wedding and I convinced her to wear the fitted dress she felt amazing in. All day long everyone said how amazing she looks, but now she is back in the baggy stuff. But that is her style and how she feels good whatever my opinion so I keep my mouth shut.

Look like a*

OP I think the stuff about bigger girls not looking good is a falsehood drummed into women’s heads by other women. I was brought up to think the same, and was very aware that I had ‘big’ hips (tho am a size ten). But actually when I chat to DH/ male friends, they find a whole wide range of female body shapes attractive and they do not like dowdy/ baggy clothes. Please don’t encourage her to hide her figure because she’s big, women look great when they look comfortable and are celebrating their bodies.

@gingersausage because having your white knickers be visible through your leggings will lead to others laugh behind her back. if she’s doing it intentionally, fine. but if not, she needs to know, just like your skirt riding up or being stuck in your tights. overstretched leggings tend to get see through, and the risk of overstretching is higher in overweight/obese people. but i would tell a size 6 person as well as tgey might just be unaware

My DD is nearly 17, quite big built. She wears leggings and crop tops which I don't think are particularly flattering for her shape but don't voice my opinion.

But she has a very large bust, 34HH and wears extremely revealing and low cut tops which I do comment on as I don't think she looks decent.

She doesn't listen to anything I say of course but I do worry about her attracting the wrong sort of attention etc.

If anyone has any advice I'd be very grateful!

Sorry OP for thread hijack

@Peeledplumtomatoes

Go on then, I’ll bite.

What exactly do you mean by “the wrong sort of attention”?

I really struggled to accept that young girls/women (of any size!) now consider it acceptable to wear leggings, even the cheaper more see-through ones, as an equivalent to trousers rather than as something that should be paired with a long top. I also have given up worrying about others being appropriately dressed, possibly it's a class thing as well as age but my more MC DSD and nieces/nephews when in their teens seemed to see no need to wear smarter clothes to go out for dinner etc.
Just because you or I feel something's not appropriate doesn't mean everyone else would agree, especially with presumably 20+ years between you.

@FlashesOfRage, ykwim. Leery, groping males, whether at a party or on public transport. Yes she should be able to wear whatever she wants but we don't live in an ideal or perfect world.

So do you have any advice?

Oh I think we know exactly @FlashesOfRage 🙄

@Rayna37 why would you need to “struggle to accept it” and “give up worrying”. Why on earth would you worry about it in the first place? It’s literally none of your business what other people wear.

@gingersausage

YUP! 😘

I was going to ignore this thread but I'll bite. It is "noble" of you OP to want to protect your daughter from other "mean" 17 year olds and what they might say but tbh I have heard this from my mum and abusive ex and the things they said to me in the guise of "protecting me", to stop others from hurting me were far worse than anything any of my peers said. My mum bought me maternity wear to hide my almost flat tummy from being seen so people wouldn't make fun of me, and wanted me to dress like I was a 40 year old in flattering clothes and insisted to my therapist I was depressed because of weight despite being completely confident and happy in my own skin but going on about it so much did bring about eating disorders and anxiety and depression over it as it was all I heard.

The most fun I had with clothes was living away from home and her constant criticism and because I know I have to change my style when I see her to avoid the tedious comments, I hardly see her and she hardly sees her GC because I cant be bothered to not offend her with my style and fashion.

Tread carefully OP

If I have learnt anything from 23 years as a parent it is that opinions of what counts as "ridiculous" or "doesn't go with x" vary wildly from generation to generation. Even things like colour clashes that seem like they would be cut in stone. And ideas of what is fitting for larger sizes have changed dramatically in the last few decades.

There is simply no point in a 40yo parent trying to second-guess what some mean 17yos might take the piss out of because chances are they would never notice it (not having 40yo eyes) but would zoom in on something totally different. Yes, some teens are cruel to one another. But I think you will hardly ever find they are cruel from a middle-aged perspective, or from a 1980s perspective.

I can’t believe so many of you wouldn’t tell your daughter that you could see her knickers through her leggings! Say it in a nice way obviously , but I think it’s really mean not to point it out ..not least to check she actually realised!

I'd point that one out, MrsGrindah, just not all the other stuff about which tops go with what or is she too fat to wear leggings.

Can't you just ask her if she wants telling about wardrobe malfunctions?
"DD, sometimes I can see your knickers through your trousers. Is that a deliberate thing teenagers do these days, or am I supposed to tell you so you can change?"
Surely that shouldn't hurt or offend her?

Your posts are reading more and more goady and disingenuous by the page

Yep, unfortunately. She got lots of understanding replies that offered sound, balanced advice, but she dug in and it turned in to a bun fight.

These are normal clothes choices for current fashion. Please don't say anything to her, I'm sure she wouldn't like to wear a lot of the things you wear, it's personal preference. Also what you consider unflattering may actually just be your perception, times have changed.

Crop tops with leggings is a normal, current outfit... A young person wouldn't usually wear a long top with that...I'm late twenties and these all sound like normal outfits.

Also large thighs, hips and bum is fashionable at the moment so something you may find flattering could be considered unflattering by others and vice versa. Surely it's best to teach her she should wear what she likes and feels comfortable in and that her body isn't a problem!

Please don’t. She’ll figure out her own style eventually. My DM did this to me and I’m still self conscious despite being in my 40’s

This

short tops with see through leggings don't look good on anyone! This post is not about her sense of style but just her looking not decent!

And fwiw I've always been grateful to my mum for telling me what suited and what didn't. I wasn't so self obsessed that I couldn't take other's opinions on board.