Partner getting food

[Lafoosa]

Am I overreacting being upset that whenever my OH goes to make food in the kitchen he never asks if I want something, he just makes himself about 8 slices of toast, a sandwich and god knows what else and doesn't even bother to ask if I'm hungry or want a drink.
The other day he ate an entire pack of bagels in one go claiming they'd go off if he didn't, well we have a toddler to feed and I could have eaten one too. He didn't need to eat 5 to himself. Plus they could've been frozen.
I actually ask him if he wants something when I make food.
Tonight around the time we'd normally have dinner cooking he went into the kitchen and spent a good 45 minutes in there to then come out having just eaten almost a whole loaf of bread and making himself noodles. Did he make any food for everyone else? No.
He took so long I thought he was making dinner, but by the time he'd finished it was too late for me to cook a meal. Luckily I'd already fed our toddler, so she didn't go hungry.
I just think it's the polite thing to do if you're already making food, it's no harder to make one extra portion of it.
I feel like I'm not even an after thought 🙄

What had they eaten though as she doesn’t cook she says. The agreement is he does.

So to clarify.

You agreed he would cook dinner because you had the kids.

He goes in the kitchen for 45 minutes and in that time he only made himself toast and a pot noodle and nothing for you?

I'd go nuclear at that!

You need to talk to him, OP. That's not on at all.

Sounds like me when I was bulimic tbh.

This does sound very odd.

Have you talked to him about this, OP?

Has he been checked by the gp? 9 stone sounds very light for an adult man, my 10 year old nearly weighs that
My forty-something DP is about 5 foot 6 and a bit and very lightly built and weighs less than that. He's always been on the skinny side and is technically underweight going by BMI, but eats well and in good quantities. He exercises and does some active physical work. He's perfectly healthy.
Having said that, as I've said already, I don't think this man's eating and cooking habits are healthy, and certainly not the throwing up.

Gwenhwyfar, that sounds quite normal though and like it happens only occasionally, whereas this man seems to do it regularly and just not be able/willing to cook something for his family and eat it with them.

It is underweight, but I’m assuming your dp doesn’t eat the amounts op’s dp does? Eating enormous amounts of food whilst remaining underweight needs investigating.

Right OP eating that amount and being the weight that he is screams some kind of eating disorder - a BMI of 21 is the lower end of healthy

Everything you are saying strongly hints to disordered eating

What would happen if you stopped buying bread?

Thisismytimetoshine, do you mean me? No, as my post says, my DP eats well (we eat a lot of veg/pulses/whole grains etc) and in good quantities.
And as my post also says, I don't think the OP's partner's eating and cooking (and throwing up) habits sound healthy.

Healthy people don't just throw up all the time for no reason.

Sounds a lot like me when I had bulimia too.

Anorexia as a diagnosis is the only eating disorder defined by an abnormally low weight under a specific BMI. When my weight dipped below this my illness was then defined as Anorexia purging (as opposed to non-purging) sub-type. 🤷‍♀️

People with bulimia can be underweight, but are often average or overweight, usually depending on their eating and purging behaviours. Vomiting a few times a month sounds like it could be bulimia, but I suspect it is much more frequent.

If he is struggling with an eating disorder he will be very ashamed and may go to great lengths to hide it from everyone, particularly if he binge/purges.

There is much overlap with the clinical diagnoses of eating disorders, and they are very complex to understand and treat. They operate as coping mechanisms very similarly to addiction and self harm.

I kept my eating issues a secret for years, and then lied about it for years after that. I got help and got over it for the most part, most of the time, and subsequently worked in the mental health field where I heard many more stories too.

This all might be way off, but alarm bells went off for me based on your information.

a BMI of 21 is the lower end of healthy

No it isn't, it's smack banh in the middle:
www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/lifestyle/what-is-the-body-mass-index-bmi/
"between 18.5 and 24.9 – you're in the healthy weight range"

To be fair, my DS18 could probably eat this much, but he's a powerlifter and works out a lot. And is 18, so it disappears into his legs or something. He has 12 weetabix and 4 slices of toast for breakfast on a normal day...

He is being selfish !
Mine does the same during the weekends. During the week I feed the whole family. During the weekend he feeds himself and also never asks our children if they want anything. He tends to do as little as possible to everyone else. It’s just the most selfish behaviour !
Whenever he does this I ask him if he offered our Dc food, and makes him ask before he sits down to eat his banquet.

Why do you live with an arse who has to be told to feed his own children? . And knowing that he doesn’t, why don’t you do it?
Your poor kids; having parents arguing about who feeds them.

Sounds like he's a growing teenager 🤣.

And what has DP said when you’ve discussed with them

Is he obese?
Or just very greedy?

Having read the majority of this thread:

1. he doesn't appear to have an eating disorder.
2. he is hungry between meals and he's eating to much in the form of snacks and the wrong thing.
3. his poor eating habits are being picked up by your child so stop buying all the bad stuff: if it's not there they can't eat it. Slowly reintroduce it once they both learn better eating habits and some self control.
4. make it clear his behaviour is selfish and greedy and if he doesn't stop then you will simply stop doing anything for him including meals until he learns some manners.
5. it sounds like the ad hoc vomiting is down to severe reflux: it needs treating and it explains eating all that bread. It gives you short term relief but it's not doing him any good in the long term so buy him a bottle of Gaviscon and a packet of Ranitidine from Tesco and get him to try it for 2 weeks: you don't always get stomach pain with reflux just intense hunger pain and intermittent sickness.

Poor guy. I mean, YANBU, his behaviour is a bit anti-social. But there are all kinds of reasonable reasons why he's ended up like that. My DH was and still can be a lot like this. It's as if he resents cooking for others, and prefers to suit himself and eat a huge amount when he's hungry.

Under duress, he has started to cook basic meals for our girls, especially as I work very long hours.

I'm sure your dh means no harm, it's something you could talk rationally to him about. He won't realise the impact or how it comes across.

Just tell him "you know when you make yourself stuff you could offer me stuff thatd be nice, please or dc"
Problem solved.

" a packet of Ranitidine"

Ranitidine not available any more.

Do you have a downstairs loo near the kitchen? I suspect he throws up a lot more than a few times a month.