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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner getting food

259 replies

Lafoosa · 01/03/2020 22:12

Am I overreacting being upset that whenever my OH goes to make food in the kitchen he never asks if I want something, he just makes himself about 8 slices of toast, a sandwich and god knows what else and doesn't even bother to ask if I'm hungry or want a drink.
The other day he ate an entire pack of bagels in one go claiming they'd go off if he didn't, well we have a toddler to feed and I could have eaten one too. He didn't need to eat 5 to himself. Plus they could've been frozen.
I actually ask him if he wants something when I make food.
Tonight around the time we'd normally have dinner cooking he went into the kitchen and spent a good 45 minutes in there to then come out having just eaten almost a whole loaf of bread and making himself noodles. Did he make any food for everyone else? No.
He took so long I thought he was making dinner, but by the time he'd finished it was too late for me to cook a meal. Luckily I'd already fed our toddler, so she didn't go hungry.
I just think it's the polite thing to do if you're already making food, it's no harder to make one extra portion of it.
I feel like I'm not even an after thought 🙄

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 08:44

Your drip feed is exceedingly strange, op Confused. He changed your daughter’s eating habits in a couple of hours? He throws up a lot, so possibly bulimic? Mealtimes are circus like with food being thrown round the living room floor?

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 02/03/2020 08:45

Does he have an eating disorder? His behaviour isn't normal.

iheartislesofwight · 02/03/2020 08:51

we realise you are busy op and can't live your life for mn but it would be helpful if you would answer some of the questions, then it might make more sense.

Sertchgi123 · 02/03/2020 08:52

YABU for telling us and not him!

adaline · 02/03/2020 08:55

Hang on, he eats so much he's sick?

My DH gets through huge amounts of food but he also does an extremely physical job and is on the go for 8-9 hours a day, lugging plaster and cement around the place. He needs everything he gets through, believe me!

But he does eat healthily and doesn't end up being sick afterwards Confused

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 08:58

You need to stop focusing on the “he’s so greedy!” aspect and accept he has a problem, op. Possibly bulimia? Encourage him to see a doctor, it sounds very difficult.

JinglingHellsBells · 02/03/2020 08:58

Eating disorder.

Go to the website BEAT for advice and a helpline.

Frownette · 02/03/2020 09:04

You seem blithely unconcerned about his health, OP

deydododatdodontdeydo · 02/03/2020 09:08

Tbh it sounds like as a family you don't have very good eating habits or communication.
If it's dinner cooking time and he goes into the kitchen for 45 mins, wouldn't you have a conversation about what you were going to have (as a family) for dinner?
Having a snack at meal time is bizarre - his fault. He, or one of you, should have been working on dinner.
And your poor child sounds like they don't have regular and proper mealtimes.

MashedSpud · 02/03/2020 09:10

Wow.

He needs help.

He either has bulimia or childhood issues of not having enough food.

crustycrab · 02/03/2020 09:13

Why is the food on the floor?

Why are you waiting for his permission to all eat together?

How did a few hours make your daughter only ever want bread? Confused

You knew he wasn't cooking dinner so don't say you did.

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/03/2020 09:13

It sounds like he has some kind of eating disorder.

GrumpysOtherHalf · 02/03/2020 09:15

If he's slim, eating so much bread and butter and throwing up it's something to be concerned about op

However, you can eat at the table with your children if you wish, if he wants to sit on the couch/floor/ whatever that's up to him

But please be very aware of your dc picking up on awful eating habits. There's a difference between your child being a fussy eater and having a skewed view on food.....

I have read another post of yours op and you seem to be having an particularly bad time at the moment. I know it can be incredibly hard, we have all had very difficult situations, I hope you find the strength within you to start resolving one problem at a time and reaching out for help and support

Quartz2208 · 02/03/2020 09:20

Yes the going into the kitchen eating that amount privately and not wanting to eat family meals all scream eating disorder
Please be gentle with him and see if you can get him help

Schuyler · 02/03/2020 09:24

This is weird. Sounds like he has bulimia if he spends ages in the kitchen, eats a lot in front of you and vomits.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/03/2020 09:29

He's a selfish fucking pigging cunt.

I'd be worried that he actually doesn't give a shit about you, or your child, if it never even crosses his mind to ask if you want/need something.

Ugh, he's DEEPLY unattractive.

justmyview · 02/03/2020 09:35

OP, did your DP grow up in poverty? That could explain the excessive eating. People who grew up without regular access to food often eat to excess. They don't feel they can rely on food being available,so they eat what they can, when they can

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 09:35

On the contrary, he sounds ill.

Bluntness100 · 02/03/2020 09:37

He's a selfish fucking pigging cunt

Confused
Chillicheese123 · 02/03/2020 09:42

He sounds disgustingly greedy I could watch someone eat 5 bagels in one go and still fancy them 🤮

Chillicheese123 · 02/03/2020 09:42

COULDNT!

catinb0oots · 02/03/2020 09:46

This is all really weird

catinb0oots · 02/03/2020 09:47

Bluntness has asked all of the questions that need answering

AtomicRabbit · 02/03/2020 09:59

Eating disorder. It could be linked to an traumatic event from his past. Watching a DN get slightly addicted to food at the moment and binge-eating to the point of throwing up since his parents divorced.

It sounds like it's a pattern from the past and food is the way he abuses himself. Something happened. It's not your job to work this out for him but he's clearly in distress still.

Of course living with someone in trauma is not easy for you.

I would suggest you find some books online first to read about binge-eating so you can educate yourself about how to help him.

amzn.to/2wkySpg -

Read some of the reviews of this book it's quite sad and sounds possibly like your DH:

Having suffered from binge-eating since I was 14 I just assumed it would always be a part of me and there was something shameful about me I would always have to keep hidden from others. I tried so many other strategies that never worked for me. I came across this book on Amazon one day...

Then for you and your DD you need to prioritise your nutrition and make sure you are well-fed and have regular meal-times. If he knows you are going to feed your DD and yourself from 5:30pm to 6pm then he KNOWS he shouldn't be in the kitchen. Set up a clear pattern of feeding so you have boundaries that must be respected.

Something triggers his sense of shame/sense of worthlessness and that leads to over-eating. He needs support to find out what that trigger is, sit with it, process it, understand it and then be able to face it and realise that it doesn't define him. He needs to be able to let those emotions out and let them go. He's still whole and loveable regardless of what happened years ago and he probably needs a program of self-love. So some books on self-love may be helpful too.

Good luck.

SkyesBackPack · 02/03/2020 10:05

If he has a eating disorder you have to challenge him and have that conversation. If him eating all the food impacts on your ability to feed you or your child I would also only buy the things he binges on as and when you need it. He has to help himself too.

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