To think most people massively underestimate what's involved with parenting?

[Soph7777]

Just that really. I haven't got kids I hope to in the near future but I have a lot of young kids around me so never once underestimated how hard it is.

A lot of people seem to just go into it without giving much thought, and then sometimes end up disappointed.

A question to those who have had kids - did you underestimate or overestimate how hard it would be?

I didn't have any expectations really. I didn't know what to expect so it wasn't easier or harder than I'd planned for because I hadn't planned.

I overestimated baby stage and underestimated toddler stage.
Everyone makes out like you never sleep again once you have a baby but mine was ebf and cosleeping so was fine.
Toddler however does not stop... Ever. She also hasn't napped since she was 18 months so that probably doesn't help either 🙈 she's the only one that is more wound up when coming out of nursery! All the other parents say their kids nap afterwards! 😂

To quote Charlie Brooker, children ruin your life in the best possible way.

A BIG part of my decision not to have kids, back when I was young enough to have them, was seeing how hard friends' lives seemed to become once they had kids. I've never been maternal anyway, but parts of parenting looked about as enjoyable as permanently having grit lodged under one's eyelid. And that was just how things appeared from the outside...

i overestimated it i think

I envisaged it as a kind of montage sequence. Easy, I thought. I can do a montage.

Hugely underestimated by me. It wasn't just harder work - I had no idea what the impact of someone completely reliant on me would be (and also how bloody boring and repetitive it would be) - I just feel totally unqualified and out of my depth.

My eldest is nearly 15 and has ASD and ADHD. Arrogant as I was I thought if you love your child, provide for them and teach them good principles, everything will follow. Well, sometimes love isn't enough. I had never contemplated that I might have a child with learning /cognitive/behavioural difficulties. I have had to readjust my expectations and so much of my life now is researching, learning, fighting for and funding the help he needs. And I still think I might fail him.

When I was young you had to have a licence to be allowed to own a dog. I feel like I should have had to pass a test to be allowed a child.

Ha at Jesus, a bit like getting fit in the movies. Montage

@RaspberryBubblegum definitely! On toddlers being harder than babies.

I'd only the one and managed to do that "sleep when they sleep" thing which helped a lot the 1st year. When she dropped her last nap it nearly killed me! I needed that nap!

I definitely underestimated how hard the baby phase would be. The sleep deprivation, the looooong days to fill on mat leave, desperately craving a break but then feeling sick the second I was actually away from DS, how hard it is to see them ill when you can't do much to help them and they can't tel you how they feel. He's 13 months now and things are slowly getting easier/more enjoyable... although he's still terrible at sleeping 🙈

I underestimated how much I would enjoy being around children. I couldn't bear them (or babies) before I had them. I became a SAHM because I liked it so much.

I didnt underestimate but I definitely still have days of just longing for one hour or two by myself when it just isn't possible.

Also, I thought I used to get tired pre kids. What a joke! Now I REALLY know tiredness lol

I think a lot of people are very blasé about creating and being responsible for a whole other human being, presumably because they underestimate how difficult it is or care very little about what situations they’re bringing children into. I’m not talking about people in stable relationships who would welcome a pregnancy, but aren’t actively trying, I’m talking about people in unstable relationships, living situations, financial situations etc., where both partners make very little effort to prevent pregnancy by either not using contraception reliably or not using it at all, and then seem surprised that they’re pregnant, like they don’t understand how babies are made, it’s bizarre. People put more thought and preparation into getting a dog or cat than some people do into creating and raising another person.

I got PND/PNA so obviously didn't expect that.

I love being a mum to my DS though - I think I most underestimated the mental load. He is always on my mind

A question to those who have had kids - did you underestimate or overestimate how hard it would be?

Was probably fairly realistic. No big surprises. Liked the idea of a challenge.

The thing I had not anticipated was having a disabled child with chronic pain.

And the thing I would have totally underestimated is how many people will actually go out of their way to be nasty to a disabled child: that I could never have dreamt of. From people on the bus telling her she shouldn't sit in the priority seat (hey, those crutches, you don't think they should be there for a reason?) to the headteacher explaining that the school wants to keep the disabled toilet nice for visitors and the school child shouting across the corridor "there's nothing wrong with you, you're making it up!"

@corythatwas that's awful people would do that.

I underestimated you baby bit only because my dd screamed for what felt like 24/7 for the first 9 ish months of her life. She did have silent reflux (and not the right meds until 9 months!) and cows milk allergy though. I look back now and wonder how I survived.

I had a horrible pregnancy too and everyone told me I'd have a dream baby. Then everyone told me she'd grow out of the screaming by 3 months. Then everyone told me weaning would sort out her silent reflux. That was the most damaging. Being given all these false promises that I foolishly believed.

My dd is 3 1/2 now and a good toddler. Yes she has her moments but she is a lot more chilled out than some friends kids.

The baby stage hasn't put me off wanting another.

I knew the sleepless nights would be hard. And I knew the breastfeeding wouldn't be easy. I think I underestimated this complete and utter rush of anxiety about the decisions I was making and the impact they would have with routine things such as needles.
The sick feeling when your child has a temperature that won't go down or you hear a cry of pain. or the little visions you get of falling down the stairs with the baby, or the first few days the horrible feeling of waking up panic striken to check their little chest is moving up and down because you had a horrible penatrating evil thought they would be still.
Everything else you can adjust too your body helps you alot.
I think I underestimated the love you feel. Its not like a love you will ever feel for any one else for me it comes right from my soul, like a piece of you broke off and now you hold it in your arms, change its stinky nappies, give yourself to it constantly and even if your really ill or exhausted or hanging out of your ass, you get up and your mum. That's just how it is. But every hard day for me is forgotten in the three seconds after my DD comes off the boob and is fast asleep with the most beutiful perfect little angelic face.

Mum guilt for everything aswell! Mum guilt because it's too wet to go out, mum guilt because you didn't go to that baby group. Mum guilt because you left it too long between feeds and your trying to keep your cool driving safely with a screaming baby wondering why on earth there isn't a separate lane for mum's and screaming children.
Totally worth it though.

I was shellshocked by the baby / toddler stage tbf but my first was a very high energy non sleeping breed and my second was an absolute dream, he has just turned 9 and we have barely heard him. So I’d say it depends hugely on the child too!

I think I overestimated how hard the baby stage was going to be. DS was an easy baby really. But I was not prepared in the slightest for him having asd which hit me like a bolt out of the blue after he turned 2. I never thought that my baby would have additional needs- seeing your child develop differently (even when they are an absolute joy and have brought nothing but pleasure your life) can be very hard, I worry about him and his future all the time in a way I would have never anticipated.

Although my expectations were slim everything seemed to be in line with what seemed natural.

The only thing that was a surprise was the divergence between Dh and my life for first year.

How can anyone possibly “estimate” how “hard” parenting is going to be though? It’s like trying to estimate how difficult it will be to run a marathon - there are some things you will never know until you actually do it!
Parenting can be hard but it’s also very rewarding - it must be otherwise everyone would just stop at one child!

It’s human nature to reproduce, I don’t think many people draw up spreadsheets and graphs to estimate how difficult it will be beforehand...

Tbh "parenting" wasn't a Thing when my lot came along. We just had babies.

A side note: Years later someone was going on about attachment parenting and I thought it was some weird New Age thing where the baby was lashed pappose like to a parent 24/7 and thought the person espousing such was a total loon. We just carried or slung* the babies when they went through that phase.

So yeah. Give everything a name nowadays. What's that all about?

*I don't mean toss baby out!

I overestimated the baby stage. I though it would be much much harder than it was, but I had an easy and happy little boy, so it was mostly very joyous. I vastly underestimated how tired I would be and I also underestimated the toddler stage. My boy is still the most darling little person, but he is everywhere all the time and has no sense of danger (to himself, others or material items), so I am constantly running after him making sure he does not injure himself or smash up the house.

“ I underestimated how much joy there would be to a much, much greater degree”

Agree with this - the lows are very low but the highs are incredibly high