To think most people massively underestimate what's involved with parenting?

[Soph7777]

Just that really. I haven't got kids I hope to in the near future but I have a lot of young kids around me so never once underestimated how hard it is.

A lot of people seem to just go into it without giving much thought, and then sometimes end up disappointed.

A question to those who have had kids - did you underestimate or overestimate how hard it would be?

It has been so much easier than I thought. We are lcky though as she only has one feed a night and then goes straight back to sleep.

I have anxiety so thought I'd never cope, however, she's actually made my anxiety easier to manage. She wasn't planned at all. Neither of us wanted kids. We are so happy that we've had the opportunity to have her and it's been so much better and easier than I ever imagined.

Overestimated how hard newborns are and underestimated how hard toddlers are.

I never ever planned on becoming a parent, I hadn’t even spent a single second thinking about parenthood, it just wasn’t on my radar.

My son was a few months shy of two when he was placed with me due to a ‘lack of emergency foster places’. That was for three days, I had never held a baby, never had any interest in holding one, I didn’t know any children and none of my friends had children, even if they had I would have taken zero interest.

I knew nothing, I didn’t know that you don’t just change a nappy for a poo, I had no idea how much to feed him or that he needed snacks. When a foster placement was found it was a case of ‘thank fuck that’s over’.

Then the placement failed, well obviously it didn’t, it was a carefully crafted plan to tale advantage of a really stupid moron. So he came back for six weeks, so a friends mum came to stay for a few days and that’s where I discovered not to just change a nappy after a poo and that I needed to clean his teeth (I have no idea why cleaning his teeth didn’t cross my mind!). She made a check list of things to do and things not to do and moved out after a week.

Then I got brave and took him to a friends flat, he fell asleep and I left him there, I got a few metres down the road before it dawned on me. I also lost him at London zoo, I couldn’t remember what he was wearing or anything particularly useful. A particular parenting highlight was using both hands to contain a sneeze while holding him, and yes, there were witnesses. Six weeks turned into eight, then ten, then twelve and it took about six months before it dawned on me that the intention was for him to stay.

He’s now four (five in June!), a few things I have realised
-some people seem to have parental instinct, I most definitely do not
-horror, that’s the general expression when people find out that I’m a parent (understandable)
-you would have to be an absolute monster to fail in becoming an in family adopter/get an SGO
-I thought that one day it would click, I would start to kind of know what I was doing, I was very very wrong
-I’m willing to negotiate with a small dictator on a fairly regular basis
-children have a sixth sense, they know when you’re having a poo, a wee, sex or something they want like popcorn
-I unexpectedly learned how to scrape shit from the tiny gaps in a parquet floor
-Everything has a thin layer of snot on it
-sometimes people say “oh, it gets easier” they’re liars
-I have developed grey hairs
-I have to share lego
-I had to swap to non-alcoholic beer (particularly traumatic)
-you swear in front of them once and they constantly repeat it, why doesn’t that happen with the word please?!

You know the game ‘the floor is lava’?

Well in my flat the floor actually is lava and everything is on fire and my only fire fighting equipment is a fruitshoot (and not even the purple one).

I didn't because I spent a lot of my teen years helping my older sister with her DC.

I knew all about babies and toddlers. What caught me by surprise was how ill and knackered I felt the first night home...I'd had an emergency C section and came home after 3 days...DH was great but just that feeling...sitting up in bed and shaking whilst trying to sort DD out...awful!

Other than assuming I would be able to breastfeed to a year without any issues at all, no, not really. I've actually surprised myself with my patience and capacity to love my son beyond all else, even when hes being a tantruming, screechy, object throwing terror. But I'm only 20 months in!

I didn't have a clue. No experience, never held a baby, nothing. My mum made the parenting of us 3 look so easy, that I had no idea I'd find it so tough. Mind you, even my mum reckons Ds1 is a very difficult child. I've found it very tough. Often unbearable.

Underestimated how unrelenting parenthood is.

I wouldn’t say “hard”. I’d say time consuming (if done properly).

I underestimated the relentlessness of being a mother. That you are on duty every minute of every day. I would give anything to have just 30 minutes each day when I could walk out of the house and be on my own for a short time.

Massively underestimated the impact going from two to three dc would have. I definitely wasn’t prepared for a third after an awful second who didn’t sleep and is very strong willed I thought how hard can another be. After sensibly waiting 5/6 years in between to be able to afford child care etc etc the third has thrown me. Very very easy baby and easy going, however, I have no time for anything. I’m always behind for one child or one task and I’m always rushing. I have a stupid amount of guilt constantly - not enough attention for preteen (12) who seems to want to talk to his friends have no interaction with anyone else so have to force them. No time for dc2 who wants to play a board game/go to the park/play football/swimming and no time for dc3 because I’m trying to do all of above with children, see DH and keep the house remotely tidy so you can at least see the flooring. I fear going back to work because it’ll pile more on top.

I am soooo in awe of anyone who has more than three or anyone managing three.

The really unexpected - and as far as I can tell very unusual - surprise is that my mental health has been massively improved since I had DS. I was told repeatedly that I was high risk for PND/PNA and thought it was near inevitable, but my anxiety has been massively reduced since having him and I've been much happier. As I say, this seems to be unusual so I feel incredibly lucky!

I apologise that was just a massive rant and outpour.

I underestimated the fact that being a parent is forever and couldn’t see into a future where I’d be fretting over my DC and then DGC and worrying when they’re ill or unhappy or when things go wrong for them. I thought about having a baby, the having a child and a bit about teens but not the fact that I would never stop worrying or looking out for them . Now I’m as upset when DGC are out of sorts in any way. It’s wonderful but never ending. I absolutely didn’t think about it being this way .

I am definitely in the underestimated how hard it would be. No children in my family until my LG and first in my friendship group to have a child. I had never been around babies or young children and I was definitely hit across the face with a wet kipper when I became a Mum! I wish I would have known how difficult it was before hand.

Oh and the guilt! I’d forgotten that Batman. What I did wrong, what consequences there were from the things I got wrong, the hindsight ponderings. Awful.

I’m a born pessimist. I over estimated it all, DD has been a relative doddle so far (she’s 7)
I now have all the fears for the tweens and teens and I’ve never had a #2, in case he/she wasn’t such a doddle

I completely amd utterly underestimated how awful the teenage years could be.

Like someone else said I don't think I underestimated the hard work or even thought I'd have a baby who slept through etc.,

What I underestimated was the impact of everything. I'd had late (party induced) nights before. I'd dragged myself into work having been out with friends the night before. That's all lack of sleep right? Wrong. That's lack of sleep for one night. The following night I would go to bed early and feel great the next day. With DS waking every two hours for the first six weeks, then every four hours until he started pre-school at 3 years old, I thought I'd have to have props fitted to my eyes to keep them open! And that impacts on everything in your life. You don't arrange a night out very often because being in bed at 8pm and sleeping until midnight is a luxury you have to have for your sanity!

Then it was the toddler stage where you couldn't go to the loo or shower in peace. Again I knew about that but the feeling of 'for goodness sake I'm just doing a wee leave me alone' can be hard to deal with when they're at a clingy stage.

DS is now almost 13 years old. Don't get me wrong, I've loved most of it (even the sitting on the loo when a little head appears around the door can be adorable when you're in the right mood). It's now things like doctor's appointments having to be fitted in around school and work, clubs eating into weekends or evenings making it hard to get 'me' time and, of course, the teenage hormone tantrum. Like nothing on earth. I couldn't have been like that surely (sorry mum and dad).

Our DS is my best friend and my worst enemy. He's my giggle companion and a pain in the proverbial. He's adorable and a rage filled demon. But he's ours and I really wouldn't change a thing - although a bit more sleep in the early years would have been wonderful.

@TheBreastmilksOnMe I'm curious to know why/how you found ages 6 - 11 so much worse than other stages?
My DS is 5 so not far off that stage

I haven't found the children the problem. It's the relentless drudgery of washing, loading the dishwasher, vacuuming up Cheerios and putting the house back together whilst looking at my saggy boobs and bags under my eyes. The kids are easy. Wish someone had told me with my first how easy newborns are and to get out and go places!!

I think I overestimated difficulty if anything (apart from breastfeeding, oof!), but I did get lucky having 'easy' babies and toddlers; decent sleepers, no colic, no serious illnesses, very few tantrums.

I'd been led to expect I wouldn't get a decent night's sleep for years, that I'd be awoken to the sound of crying every morning for ages, no social life etc, but didn't happen at all. As I said, though, I appreciate we got lucky and we also had the advantage of parents nearby who were able to undertake childcare so that we were able to go out fairly regularly.

Totally depends what baby you get!
Completely underestimated the
Newborn stage because he was a nightmare for every second of every day for months on end. He’s 11 months now and it gets easier all the time and he’s mainly a joy.
I am DREADING the toddler phase so I’ll hang fire on a comment for that.

I did underestimate how attached I’d be to him even though it’s absolutely relentless. I want to be with him all the time and miss him when he’s not there.

I 'thought' I knew what I was in for. Turned out I didn't have a bloody clue. As others have said, parenting is not a series of disjointed acts but everything all the bloody time forever. Having to think for everyone and plan for every possibility with a cast of three (four if you count DH) constantly throwing various spanners in the works. The frustration at not being able to please yourself etc. I had a real WTF moment a few days after having DS1 when it dawned on me, for the first time, that I couldn't just pop out the door to the shop if I fancied something. No, that would now entail preplanning of an expedition. A real shock. Didn't stop me going on to have two more. It's hard but it is also very rewarding, and it is getting easier as they become more self-reliant (although there is a related increase in arguing the toss all the bloody time).

The first year was the hard bit, I've enjoyed the rest.

Op - you have no clue. The big thing with being a parent, no matter the age of the child, is the emotional part of it. It is not possible to explain it. Other people's kids, no matter how trying, can never give you the true feeling of sheer responsibility that you have for your own. And it doesn't go away.