To think most people massively underestimate what's involved with parenting?

[Soph7777]

Just that really. I haven't got kids I hope to in the near future but I have a lot of young kids around me so never once underestimated how hard it is.

A lot of people seem to just go into it without giving much thought, and then sometimes end up disappointed.

A question to those who have had kids - did you underestimate or overestimate how hard it would be?

I have two very easy going children. Yes sometimes it can be exceptionally hard, but realistically those very hard moments were just that, short lived moments. They weren’t even days. It was often a couple of hard hours.
Children change rapidly and go through phases. These phases, whatever it may be, sleep or behaviour, don’t often last long, but can feel like they do, hence why parents often say how hard it is. Again, some children are tougher than others. Some kiddies are quite chilled. Maybe that’s a reflection on the parents/environment? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t know, but if you want to be a parent, I wouldn’t let it put you off.
I also wouldn’t read books. They can give you a false sense of security and make you so anxious!

No, I don’t see it.

It’s simply in the way if we had a time machine and someone from the Victorian era was to be thrown into 2020, they would probably find our idea of a hard days work laughable. That doesn’t mean people nowadays don’t work hard, it means attitudes have changed.

Similarly with parenting, I think people who complain it is hard work are often the people who complain everything is hard work.

I agree with that too lisa

To be fair, actual parenting issues are a tiny part of MN.

“Similarly with parenting, I think people who complain it is hard work are often the people who complain everything is hard work”

I think you’re wrong and unkind, this does not match my experience with others at all

Obviously you can think I’m wrong. I’m definitely not unkind in the slightest, though.

It does frustrate me when people say “oh you’re so lucky your child is so well mannered and calm” or “you’re so lucky your child eats veg” and those kind of things annoy the heck out of me. It isn’t luck, me and my husband work hard to ensure our children are well behaved/understand boundaries/eat well.

Nothing on earth could have prepared me for the absolute hell that was looking after a poorly baby while we both had a d&v bug...

Ah well actually @Chocolatedaim that’s a nature/nurture debate right there. You can pat yourself on the back about your excellent parenting producing well behaved good eaters, but if you’d given birth to a child like my daughter (severe food issues, probable ASD) then you might think rather differently. You ARE lucky.

I would respectfully disagree Haworthia.
Whilst that’s your experience, which is of course valid and I don’t doubt you, not all parents have children with food issues and SEN.
Obviously if your child has additional needs, that’s very different.
I should have made that clear.

Additional needs are definitely different but that’s just the point, additional, over and beyond.

Chocolatedaim even within NT children there is a huge range of innate personalities. Some are naturally calmer, more inclined to be obedient or more flexible than others. Some naturally sleep better. Some naturally like eating veg, others don’t. It’s obviously harder work parenting the ones who are not naturally inclined towards the “good” behaviours. The strategies you pat yourself on the back for, may have been tried by parents of less compliant children without success.

Knew how exhausted I felt after looking after friends kids for a few hours, and knew it would take lots of my time and energy. Totally underestimated the cost of things like childcare, cost to career and loss of income due to working part time, and the mental energy in making sure 2 other people were fed/watered/exercised/dressed/had slept properly as well as myself

It’s obviously harder work parenting the ones who are not naturally inclined towards the “good” behaviours. The strategies you pat yourself on the back for, may have been tried by parents of less compliant children without success.

You raise a good point Miniepie
I do however think there are a large portion of parents afraid of their children. I am in no way strict so I don’t want it to come off like that. But I think parents often try things once and expect instant results.
It takes consistency and a controlled, calm, manner to tackle some of the harder tougher behaviours.
Children are great receptors, they aren’t daft. The first skill they learn is manipulation.

I have 5, 3 great eaters and 2 nightmares. I have very firm boundaries but 2 of them push them way more than the other 3. (Not the poor eaters). What you get is part parenting, part personality and part luck imo.

Parents aren’t daft either. They know all about consistent parenting, controlled calm manner etc. It’s just that these methods work more easily and quickly for some children than others. And of course, it’s a lot easier to stay controlled and calm and consistent if you get quick results, than if you’ve been trying for months and the child is still behaving exactly the same.

Partly at least, for me, is that there are quite a few childfree people at work. I never say anything in front of them in case this wasn’t voluntary (eg second marriage, DH didn’t want kids, health problems meant pregnancy not sensible etc) but then every Monday morning they’re in the staff room describing exhibitions and the theatre they went to at the weekend. They discuss books they’ve been reading. Meals they’ve had out.

If someone asks me what I did, it’s generally ‘the weather was awful so we went to the soft play again to get out of the house’. I last saw an exhibition when I was pregnant! I read ten books (not literature!) in the whole of last year! We don’t have any family help so we’ve had, I think 5 or 6 meals out as a couple in the last 4.5 years. I was desperate to move from the childfree side to the mum side, but now I’m here the sheer relentlessness is it is so hard and I do miss my former life. Maybe it would be different if we did have some family support eg grandparents around to take DD for a night?

I think that’s what confuses me, Riding

Going to soft play instead of an exhibition is not hard. It might not be what you want to do but it isn’t hard.

RidingmyBike We went to the science museum in London the other week, I was very excited about the space exhibition - I saw model trains, the kids bit, and lots of benches (to breastfeed the youngest). I did buy some glow in the dark planets though and the museum cafe pizza was good so it wasn't all bad

I find big gardens (like the ones in country houses) good - I like looking at the different plants and DS1 can run about.

I completely sleepwalked into parenting, all I knew was that I had a lot of love to give and wanted children of my own to give it to! I had barely any experience of children and any children out and about never even registered on my radar before having kids, so I hadn't even observed parenting from a distance!

Needless to say, it was a sharp shock when my first had silent reflux and spent the first 12 weeks of her life screaming! I was so tired I was having audio hallucinations which was scary to say the least! She was a pain from birth and still is a pain now at 5 years old! Her sister who is a year younger is a completely different child and fit more with my 'expectations' pre kids, of this little being just slotting right in.

There's parenting, and then there's luck! I think this is reflected in equal measures, so no matter how prepared you think you are, you're never truly cause there's no way of guessing the personality of your child. A fact which is proven once you have more than one and they couldn't be more different despite the inputs being the same!

Going to soft play instead of an exhibition is not hard. It might not be what you want to do but it isn’t hard

It's tiring. It's one thing to be tired because you've been enjoying yourself. It's quite another to be tired because you've been doing something you didn't really want to do

Going to soft play instead of an exhibition is not hard. It might not be what you want to do but it isn’t hard
Physically you could say the options are comparable. The knackering bit of parenting, which you dont really understand until you are in the thick of it is never being able to switch off. Always keeping an eye on them, always engaging with them (mainly when younger granted)- that is exhausting.

But no one is making anyone have children. So if you really do want to go to exhibitions rather than soft play, you can. It’s just then saying it’s so hard and you envy your childless friends is a bit unfair, especially given they might desperately want to go to soft play rather than an exhibition.

I underestimated the sleep deprivation - I thought babies slept for 3 solid hours, fed for ten minutes, slept for 3 hours - rather than the other way around...

Mind you I didn't actually understand how extreme sleep deprivation can be until I had dc3. Dc1 was a big, strong, overdue baby who's sleepy phase was precisely one single night, after which she was an exceptionally alert, awake newborn had reflux so the first three months were delightful as long as I held her upright but hard in terms of sleep (breastfeeding so did all nights), but once she could roll she was a pretty good sleeper. Dc2 actually did sleep 3 hours between feeds once he stopped cluster feeding. DC3 though - an entirely different experience, essentially 3 years without longer than a very rare maximum of two hours sleep.

I don't think all parents understand sleep deprivation at its most extreme and long term either though, and honestly don't think there's be much point preparing anyone - they'd choose to believe it couldn't happen to them because they'd have a routine (had one of those) or because they "like their bed" (several people really said that to me, as though I had a non sleeper because I don't... ) Even cosleeping didn't help with dc3 as he needed to sleep fully on top of me and I just couldn't sleep like that, without moving and waking him. I tried every sleep training method and had paediatrician input but nothing helped until he could understand semi rational language and that I needed to sleep, and agreed to listen to audiobooks in his room if he just couldn't sleep and only wake me if he was ill or frightened. He has sensory issues, but nobody knows that with a baby!

Isabellaswann i dont think its fair to say people cant moan about being a parent. Most people still wouldnt change having children, but its life, nothing is perfect and everyone is allowed to complain.
I moan about taking the tube to work, could I work locally? Yes for a third of the salary. I know why Ive made the decision, doesnt mean I cant hate it at times.

I must say though dc3 is a complete delight - it's hard to imagine a sweeter, more loving, more perceptive, more curious, more imaginative, more laugh out loud hilarious 9 year old. His teenage siblings are completely delightful too - obviously they have their moments but they're fantastic human beings and some of the best people I've ever met

The only negative has been the sleep deprivation, which I think aged me at least a decade, probably more, within three years.