To think most people massively underestimate what's involved with parenting?

[Soph7777]

Just that really. I haven't got kids I hope to in the near future but I have a lot of young kids around me so never once underestimated how hard it is.

A lot of people seem to just go into it without giving much thought, and then sometimes end up disappointed.

A question to those who have had kids - did you underestimate or overestimate how hard it would be?

You say you’ve had young kids round you so know how hard it is. Having young kids round you does NOT prepare you for how hard being a parent is. You sound as unprepared as anybody else.

I doubt any parent would rather not have their kids do it’s a moot point really.

I totally agree with you OP! I think people go into in mindlessly. “Oh I’m broody, let’s have a baby”. The amount of people on here that wind up pregnant and say “We weren’t using contraception, didn’t think it happen”. I said on here the other day I put more though into meal planning for the week than most people seem to put into spaffing out a kid.

I don’t think I have underestimated parenting which is why DH and I have decided to skip it altogether. I’m under no illusions as to the cons and for me, the pros wouldn’t outweigh them.

I had EASY newborns and babies

Shit hit the fan at 18 months for both!

I was a single mother to twins from day 1 and nothing could be prepare me for how hard it was. Then, it got easier, then it got harder again around 18 months.

Underestimated breastfeeding. I watched that bloody film where the newborn baby crawls up to its mothers nipple and happily latches on.
I overestimated how hard kids were because although I had worked with them and at times looked after them 24 hours a day, everyone kept telling me it was harder with your own. Truth, in some ways harder, in some ways easier. When you are being paid you can't sit them in front of Peppa Pig for example.

Your parents will suddenly appear to have aged twice as fast and won't be able to cope with a boisterous toddler in the same way you all fondly thought they would. Or with more than one child at a time, which is nice but still not going to get you to the hairdressers.

This 1000000000%

Hmm. I think I overestimated the importance of birth vs everything else (thanks, NCT!). I underestimated the difficulty of BFing (" "). The four month sleep regression was also hell. But the main feeling I have (2.5 years in, which is not that long) is one of surprise - things are just different to how I expected/imagined them to be. From the way it has (positively) affected my friendships, to the way we spend our time, to the headspace I have to give issues that wouldn't have even been a bit on my horizon before.

I remember talking to this with a friend when we both had babies and both said in general it was easier than we thought it would be. But lots and lots of people seem to have kids without much thought. No wonder they find it harder.

I think having a teenager is harder than having a toddler. The problems get larger and half the time they are off somewhere, like a tiny piece of your heart wandering about in the big scary world. And you have to let them do it! OP save your posturing for when you are cleaning sick and shit off a bedroom floor at 3 am.

I had never been around babies really so didn't have experience. However I was always told I was a v v v high needs baby and all that entailed, so I basically expected my baby to be the same. She was/is, apart from the sleeping, which is better than expected. So i would say it's similar to how I imagined it to be, I just overestimated sleeping struggles but that's just because our DD has never been too bad a sleeper so that's just luck. I would say I underestimated a few things though e.g. how often they would get poorly, how difficult breastfeeding would be, how long it would take to recover physically from birth (around 10m and my pelvic floor is severely weakened by it), how traumatic I would fine birth psychologically, how difficult I would find giving up breastfeeding psychologically...also for my DD I didn't expect her to start having tantrums so young (around 1) or walk so late (16m - I'm now aware that this isn't late by any stretch but pre-child I thought almost all kids walked around 1 and other such similarly silly thoughts).

I don't think I under estimated how Hard parenting would be so
Much as I completely over estimated how much use DH would be ( Now ex )

I had no idea that sleep deprivation would be so bad. The baby stage was torturous. After that it, it’s not so bad.
I’m quite a laid back person who loves to be out doing things and thankfully have laid back kids who love being out doing things.

I think it's a very difficult one to call because every child is different, even within the same family. So inevitably, some parents will have overestimated the challenge and others underestimated and neither means that they are stronger or weaker because of that. Equally, children go through phases and these phases will present different challenges that different parents will perceive in different ways.

So far the teen hasn’t lived up to the terrible teens idea, 14 nearly 15 though.

On the why didn’t you know it was thankless re pp, I didn’t know what to expect really but I don’t find it thankless. I would have stopped at one if I did.

I don’t like other people’s kids at all, and always thought it would be hard work.
I overestimated so far, have enjoyed every minute and think I’ve had a good run.
But also, I’m ready for if/when it changes and it gets hard.
(Totally not ready...)

Under estimate is the wrong word but it’s such a big thing I could only realistically think of a pretty small part of it. I certainly never thought of what our would be like to have a teenager when I embarked on having a baby and I am always amazed at the large number of mumsnetters who checked out price and availability of after school care before getting pregnant since it honestly never occurred to me!

So rightly my estimation of the baby and perhaps young toddler stage was probably about right but beyond that I did not have any estimation of what it was to raise a child to 18 and it’s constantly thinks about having an eight or a 12 year old that surprise me. My eldest started her period recently and I definitely did not think of the emotional journey that would involve when I thought about having kids!

I'm a professional who, before going on leave to have children, worked with children and young people. I seriously thought having children of my own would be the easiest thing that'd ever happen to me and that I'd take to it like a duck to water... erm, the reality is quite different. I've struggled with so many aspects of being a mum and let's not even talk about what's left of my relationship with my husband. I've just had my second and have realised I'm not a fourth trimester person- I'm prone to PND and I find this stage a right pain in the arse. Just to add; we have no support around us re: childcare. If you have friends and family nearby, I'm sure you'll be fine.

But (call me a pessimist) I've always imagined it quite often to be hell.

Hold on to that thought!

I had absolutely no expectations either way.

Babies were tough but manageable.

Children were a delight.

Teens were hell.

Adults are a joy.

But I had totally underestimated the mental load and not even imagined that it’s still there when your kids are grown up. Having had parents who seemed to abandon me once I went to uni, I didn’t imagine I’d be fretting about my 26 year old.

OP, as you haven’t had kids yet, you can have absolutely no idea whether you are realistic about how hard it is going to be.

Overestimated the newborn phase. My second DC is currently 6 days old (older one is 11) and everyone is bringing me home cooked meals, offering to pick stuff up or clean...I feel fine! They sleep most of the time when not on the breast.

DD was a really easy kid but I’m not under the illusion this one will be, we will see. The hardest thing for me is the mental load - anxiety over whether the kids are okay and if you’re facilitating a good life for them, whether that may be schooling, health, friendships and later relationships.

To those telling me I'll never fully know until I have kids - I'm sure I won't..

But you don't have to have lived something to have an opinion in it.

A lot of people laughed at me when I told them how worried I am about the difficulties that I'm overthinking it and being silly and 'how hard can it be'.

These are the same people struggling with the experience, so please don't tell me I don't have proof that people underestimate.

This IS coming from experience, I don't need to have a kid to know this.

I had a lot of experience with babies and young children including being a nanny beforehand.

So I don’t think I underestimated the physical energy required, though the relentlessness is impossible to prepare for.

I underestimated/didn’t fully understand the emotional toll.

And it’s impossible to replicate that really with another persons child.

You can’t know how it FEELS to...

Worry about sids

Not be able to go into a deep sleep as you’ve always got “one ear n one eye open”

Worry about whether you’re being a good parent, too lax, too strict, letting them do stuff at appropriate ages etc

I was completely unprepared for having a disabled child too. Dd wasn’t dx until summer before high school and that was a battle and a half! Then it’s another battle and a half getting people to accept it and take it seriously.

Also even though she’s now an adult and got her own place I STILL worry. Not least as her disability may lead to issues with fertility, pregnancy and child birth and she may deteriorate badly in her adult hood, possibly meaning she may need to use walking aids or even wheelchair, no way of knowing for sure.

Everyone finds certain stages harder than others and it’s not always the same ones.

For me I really struggled most with late primary stage. This in hindsight was partly because dds disability was flaring up which made her very tired and grumpy and frustrated, but I generally don’t do well with this age group anyway. Easiest stage for me was the 1st year, honestly it was by far the easiest stage. Bf went pretty well until milk dried, I hated ff but it really didn’t compare to other difficulties as she got older.

Teens were tough too, still having some difficulties there but she’s nearly through them and I’m just hoping will settle herself down. She’s got her own place but it’s not been a smooth transition. The difficulty there is I have no say!

Parenting is one of those things you don’t REALLY know what it’s like till you’re “in it”!

Don’t think I had too many expectations - too stunned at the notion of having twins. We just got on and figured it out as we went - no doubts got loads ‘wrong’ but they’ve turned out ok so far.
People always warned me if they’d been easy children, they would be devil-teens. Oh the drama is relentless, but I still cling to the notion that they are generally good kids (so far) but bloody hell, you never know what is coming next.
The one thing I did underestimate - how skint I would be. Dtd asked last week, the reason I now drive an old banger, but have in past bought new, shiny, posh car - why, you my dear!!

Soooo what do you expect people to do pre kids?

I underestimated how hard parts of having a baby would be - particularly how badly I'd cope with sleep deprivation - but I underestimated how much joy there would be to a much, much greater degree. DS is 20 months and I thought this would still be the thankless slog bit (I never found other people's children interesting until they were about five) so it's a genuine surprise that I find him so funny, sweet and rewarding, and how much personality they have from so early. I thought child development was sort of intellectually interesting but had no idea how enthralling and amazing I would find it when it was my own child.