To think most people massively underestimate what's involved with parenting?

[Soph7777]

Just that really. I haven't got kids I hope to in the near future but I have a lot of young kids around me so never once underestimated how hard it is.

A lot of people seem to just go into it without giving much thought, and then sometimes end up disappointed.

A question to those who have had kids - did you underestimate or overestimate how hard it would be?

Abbas = first

DH and I both over-estimated the baby stage, which means we're now probably under-estimating the toddler stage I've actually found parenthood easier than I thought so far, but I was quite an anxious person pre-baby and a bit of a catastrophiser so I did have it built up quite a lot. Having a baby has chilled me right out, weirdly!

I actually underestimated the mental shift in be coming a parent for the first time.

I think most men do - unless they’re having to do it and then medals, oscars and someone to wipe their furrowed brow is required in recognition of the HUGE sacrifices they’re making.

I never guessed I’d have two kids with autism. The first one was on the radar when I was already pregnant. So it’s completely changed parenting for me.

I massively underestimated.

But I think your OP is quite mean spirited OP. You think you’re better informed than those idiots who didn’t give it enough thought? But you aren’t a parent yourself, yet? No doubt you’ll find something about parenthood harder than expected too. That’s just the way it is.

And in saying that I underestimated exactly how unsupportive, selfish and manipulative men can be once parenting us a necessity.

Neither I didn’t really think about it. Luckily it’s turned out ok.

Underestimated the tiredness I’d experience with a newborn and the pure exhaustion id feel with a toddler. I do tend to think that the best years are 5-10 years old, (I’m looking forward to those), before the teenage years wipe out all memory of them!

I underestimated how much of myself I would lose in the process of having children.

They come first always. I'm always the last to have or do anything as they come first (as they should).

I think people underestimate how much their lives will change and how relentless it is.

I massively overestimated the baby bit and underestimated the teen bit.

Teenagers have a whole load of grown up things they are meant to be accomplishing and the resilience of a wet mop.

It’s a nightmare. At least with a baby the whole thing is contained within the house. Teens have the whole world to get it wrong in.

I thought babies and toddlers would be absolute hell, and the kind of suffering you just have to go through to have a family. Actually they're quite lovely and I've enjoyed it way more than I thought. So low expectations was key for me!

Didn’t really do parenting as such. It was fine. We all survived and I rather like the adults my v DCs are becoming.

It's a bit like getting a dog - you've no real idea of what it entails until it's too late and just when you're getting the hang of one age they get older.

What I have learned is that a) everyone's experiences are massively different, everyone's babies are different, they all have different temperaments and personalities. Babies aren't just this generic entity - they're all so, so different, and your experience is not down to how wonderful you think you are as a parent or how prepared you are and b) having a supportive partner who pulls his weight is a massive factor. Those early months could have been very difficult if DH was a lazy sod, but he did literally everything in the house, including all the washing and sterilising of my pump parts, so I could focus on trying to feed DD and resting from my section. That first month could have been an utterly different experience without him, and I've never loved him more.

Underestimated all of it. Especially sleep deprivation and the negative impact on my career.

I overestimated the baby newborn stage. I assumed it would be hell on earth (I like my sleep!) but DS once his reflux was sorted was a dream & I say that as a mother who exclusively pumped due to undiagnosed tongue tie meaning he couldn't breastfeed. I loved being on mat leave with hi.

Going back work fulltime at 9mo was another story, I underestimated ho hard having a mobile baby / toddler and 2 fulltime working parents would be. I am pregnant with #2 now (DS is almost 22mo) & it is relentless. He is still a fairly chilled toddler but physically I am broken.

Agree with PP as well that this is my job now forever which i struggle with

I have a 9wo. I’m struggling. I had no idea how hard this would be

How little help you'll have from all the people who can't wait for you to have your babies!

Loads of friends tell you they'll babysit any time! They'll still be in the pub where you had this conversation while you're sat home with sick on your clothes and haven't showered in 36 hours.

Your parents will suddenly appear to have aged twice as fast and won't be able to cope with a boisterous toddler in the same way you all fondly thought they would. Or with more than one child at a time, which is nice but still not going to get you to the hairdressers.

Your siblings will buy lots of noisy plastic toys and come to "visit baby" which is basically just drinking your coffee and saying "no thanks" when asked to hold the baby (this is so you can take that wee that you've been holding like a camel all morning because baby fucking hates the Moses basket with the burning passion of a thousand suns).

Your spouse won't realise that a 9-6 job where you get to drink coffee while it's still hot and take a shit in peace is less work than your day (which judging by the state of the house you've spent doing sweet FA) and gets annoyed when you begrudge them an hour in the gym. But it's not as if you're going to the gym yourself, or even leaving the house, they point out. No, because you've been up four times in the night and the world is grey and washed out and so are you. But you're too tired and zombie brained to put together a coherent argument so you sit there mutely and keep on keeping on without the energy to articulate why this is unbalanced. "Great dads" are seen as good for cuddling and playing but even Great Dads don't seem to notice that GP visits, jabs, laundry, and constantly refreshing baby's wardrobe as they grow have all been added to one person's task list in addition to the shared obvious ones like feeding and nappy changes.

....well, that was all my experience anyway.

I didn’t have a clue.

I underestimated, absolutely. I had plenty of contact with young children, including much younger siblings with whom I lived for several years while they were babies/toddlers and I was a teen.

Still had no clue how hard it would actually be to parent my own dc.

And with sleep deprivation, you can't really prepare for it. You can say 'Oh yes, I'll be sleep deprived' and know that on an intellectual level, but you can't really prepare for the impact that severe sleep deprivation can have on your life until you're living it. Luckily it's not something I've had to deal with, but a friend of mine thought she had crippling PND, until her baby slept for three-hour chunks one night instead of 45 min blocks and she woke up feeling human again. Sleep deprivation, the serious kind, is debilitating and you can't really estimate it until you're living it, IMO.

The baby and toddler years are the easy years.

I had been on mumsnet for many years before having my son, so while I was as realistic as it’s possible to be, you can’t really know what it’s like to live it yourself

I underestimated how hard having 2 would be.
First one slotted in so didn't give having a 2nd a thought I dont regret having her at all but its tiring and hard.

Overestimated how hard breastfeeding would be. Got all the stuff in case i couldn't do it and instead found it very easy.

Once you get used to babies not being that fragile and understanding their cries and routine they are quite straight forward. When they change routine and getting used to sleep is another thing entirely.