To think most people massively underestimate what's involved with parenting?

[Soph7777]

Just that really. I haven't got kids I hope to in the near future but I have a lot of young kids around me so never once underestimated how hard it is.

A lot of people seem to just go into it without giving much thought, and then sometimes end up disappointed.

A question to those who have had kids - did you underestimate or overestimate how hard it would be?

I think it’s one thing to have a moan, which we all do at some point, and another to make a situation sound so horrendous to someone who isn’t got a point of reference yet, that you make them worry about it before it’s even happened!

A lady, who I barely know 2bh, works in the local coffee shop, she is pregnant, I often go in and we started chatting, she was shaken up because a previous customer had told her that childbirth is the most horrific experience imaginable. It left her a nervous wreck. She hadn’t asked for opinions, she didn’t know this woman. What was her reasoning for making this pregnant lady so anxious??
Yes we all know how traumatic childbirth can be, but it isn’t always. I think it’s pretty cruel and selfish to go on how hard something is, making it sound like the most torturous experience ever, when that may not be the case for this parent.
It’s the same for when the child arrives.
Silent reflux, sleep deprivation is 💩 but it isn’t a given.

OnlyFoolsnMothers yes quite - a good moan occasionally is very therapeutic, and being told you made your choice so may not ever complain about anything ever is rage inducing. That applies to many big long term things - moving house, choosing a career, having a pet, trying to manage without a car for environmental reasons... Complaining constantly isn't on, but the occasional moan to a sympathetic good friend or non-judgemental relative or anonymous forum is sometimes a helpful outlet.

I was so young when I fell pregnant with dd1 that I hadn’t really given it a lot of thought.

Everyone told me how hard I would find it....
then I had her and thought.... this is a doddle. Dd1 was a good baby, dd2 not so much. But even the no sleep for 3 years which dd2 brought with her wasn’t all that bad.

I think I’ve been lucky on the whole, my dds are now a teen and tween and they are still good kids. They don’t give me any trouble, do well in school etc. Obviously they have the odd moody strop, but on the whole we get on well.

Parenting certainly wasn’t as hard as people told me it would be, but maybe that was just people making assumptions that a 19 year old would find becoming a parent difficult.

Chocolatedaim obviously the customer was out of order to tell a pregnant stranger that randomly - but it's essential to be able to talk (to someone more appropriate like a friend who already has children or on an anonymous forum or to a professional) through a horrendous birth - often it's psychologically necessary to talk about it a lot - in order to process and move on from it. Otherwise it becomes a traumatic memory which impacts life negatively in multiple ways.

I had no clue.

PoolsOfSunshineThroughTheGlass

Yes that goes without saying and I feel massively for ladies that experience that, talking it through is essential. Scaremongering strangers is not...

I know only but there’s a huge difference in moaning about it and envying childless friends.

They envy their free time that’s all

I don't see how you can say you have never underestimated it given you haven't actually done it yet...you have no comparison of reality to previous expectations?

There will be bits as you expected, bits you find easier, bits you find harder.

I underestimated how much hard work it would be and overestimated my abilities.

I knew it was going to be hard work but I had no idea just HOW hard when my 2nd DD arrived and didn't sleep at all for YEARS and did nothing but scream, nothing prepared you for that!

It was also a shock going from 1 to 2 children, going from 2 to 3 and then from 3 to 6 was actually ok in comparison.

@Isabellaswann I wouldn’t say in front of my childless friends that I’d rather go to an exhibition etc. It might hurt them, I don’t know why they’re childfree (not my business!) and I can remember the years of trying to get pregnant and how a remark like that would have hurt me.

But the only way now I could go to an exhibition with DH is for us both to take annual leave (which we really need to save in case DD is ill), then spend £40+ on trains to get us into London (nearest big city), then cost of exhibition (£15ish each so that’s another £30), then probably some food from somewhere as it’s a bit cold for a picnic at this time of year. We don’t have that sort of disposable income any more for a start. Can’t take a small child to the sort of exhibition where you spend ages staring at paintings or books or manuscripts in cases as it’s just not intended for them. Then we have to make sure we’re back again in plenty of time for the hurtle to nursery. Sure, this stage won’t last forever and maybe in ten years we’ll be able to resume these kind of activities (with DD in tow?!) but at the moment it would be nice just to have the opportunity to go even occasionally.

@Isabellaswann it depend what you mean by ‘hard’ going to soft play. Of course it’s not hard like someone doing a 12 hour shift down a mine, but it isn’t where someone would really choose to spend their time unless they had to. That’s one of the things I find hardest about parenting (apart from the sleep deprivation!) is that, eg a couple of weekends ago, the weather was absolutely awful. Pre-child I’d have probably spent the day curled up with a book. Not an option now until after DD has gone to bed, and she really needs to have some exercise. Hence soft play!

We all have to make sacrifices. I’d like to stay in during the bad weather then go out to lunch, guess what, I can’t because I have to work. That’s not ‘hard’, it’s life.

Yes, I underestimated it - not the baby stage so much (although the relentless broken nights are a shock to the system regardless) but DC1 has autism and global delay.

I think everyone underestimates, you never know how exhausting and draining it can be until you've experienced it- a bit like childbirth!
I completely underestimated the lack of sleep that a colicky new born baby could bring. I never knew how debilitating a lack of sleep over a period of several months is but I now know why sleep deprivation is a form of torture!
I also underestimated how much parenting is involved with teenagers, its emotionally exhausting!

I underestimated myself more than anything. I had a traumatic pregnancy and birth experience and have PND and PTSD. I thought that every woman felt that rush of love that I hear about but I didn’t... I am constantly worried about him and I can’t seem to bond that well. Parenting is very scary and hard! I have nieces and nephews and heaps of cousins but nothing could of prepared me for this!

I had no clue. My eldest has multiple disabilities, I had PND, my youngest child’s birth caused me to have a life long disability and now the school thinks my youngest child has the same disabilities as my eldest.
I really underestimated how hard parenting would be.