To think most people massively underestimate what's involved with parenting?

[Soph7777]

Just that really. I haven't got kids I hope to in the near future but I have a lot of young kids around me so never once underestimated how hard it is.

A lot of people seem to just go into it without giving much thought, and then sometimes end up disappointed.

A question to those who have had kids - did you underestimate or overestimate how hard it would be?

I think some people make a right meal of it and then loose interest by the teenage stage when they actually need you most

@PhilipJennings THIS re: ‘great dads’

I underestimated how hard it would be to have children (it took 7 years, several miscarriages and a stillbirth before my son arrived). I knew having a newborn was hard (and mine never ever ever slept, tongue tie, feeding difficulties etc) but was so fucking thankful he was alive I wasn’t too bothered. People did say it would get easier though and I believed them, so was totally unprepared for the endless tantrums & violent refusal of everything from 16 months on. And 3 years on the sleeping still isn’t a massive improvement on the newborn phase.

@Haworthia here we go. Someone had to come onto the thread and turn it sour.

This was a perfectly pleasant conversation and then you have to chime in with;

*I massively underestimated.

But I think your OP is quite mean spirited OP. You think you’re better informed than those idiots who didn’t give it enough thought? But you aren’t a parent yourself, yet? No doubt you’ll find something about parenthood harder than expected too. That’s just the way it is.*

I didn't call anyone an idiot. I feel like perhaps you have some insecurities about your own experiences?

What is so mean spirited about my comments? It's my opinion, get a grip.

I assumed the baby stage would be hell and I still underestimated it. It was beyond hell! But toddlerhood has been much easier and more enjoyable than I imagined (so far anyway!)

I think with my first it was the tiredness in the first year. Especially when recovering from a difficult birth in the first 6wks, and I was only 16. I think half my school year came for visit the first few weeks I came home. 16yr old kids don’t think that I’ll give her time to settle in. Many came to the hospital.

Ds2 I underestimated how lonely I would be on mat leave. By the time Ds2 came I’d moved 250 miles to London so had no family and few local friends. This was before the Internet was around as much, so every day I’d walk 2 miles to get ds2 to sleep, often crying as I walked as I felt so isolated and lonely. I wanted back all those 16yr old friends who came to see me when I had DS1, and I had my dad around constantly. I was never alone so I really felt that.

With my 3rd and final baby I can’t really think of anything as I think it had all happened by then. I guess I underestimated how busy I’d be, with 3 kids and a full time job, and sadly soon after a chronic health condition thrown in. Now my kids are 26, 16 and 12 and my life is so much easier. I always tell people how it was much easier having a baby at 16 than 27.

I didn't have a clue. The baby stage was the easy bit.

My DH thinks everything is so simple to do with parenting. I worry as he is going to have a massive shock when and if one arrives so I'm trying to make him aware of the realities as much as I can.

I already sense our relationship becoming strained due to how much he underestimates.

To be fair op you’re not a parent so probably not best placed to comment on how those who are parents experience parenting.

Nothing prepares you for any stage.

I overestimated the baby stage. But then everyone always comments on how content my girls have been as babies so I think I got lucky.

Totally underestimated how irritating a toddler's whine can be

If he’s already got this attitude now, @Soph7777 I’d be seriously reconsidering having children with him.

Overestimated the first 9 months. So much so that we were really confident that we could manage a sibling for DS despite him being a baby still himself...
Totally and completely underestimated what it would be like with 2 under 2's.
Life was exceptionally challenging for me until they hit 5/6 and even now I find the school holidays overwhelming.

Nobody warned me about the teenage years!

@C00kiesandCr3am here we go. A superior who thinks one without children's opinions are completely invalid.

I can comment because I see and people tell me how they underestimated it - so how does this mean my lack of experience makes me unable to draw conclusions from such statements?

I think a lot (most) people do this. I don't have kids and don't want them, mostly because I think it looks like thankless, exhausting hard work. I thought about it very hard and realised that it's just not something I would enjoy and that it would curtail a lot of the things that I DO enjoy.

However it never ceases to amaze me how many people go on to have children who have never given it a minutes thought. When parents say 'I didn't realise it would be this exhausting/boring/relentless' I honestly feel like saying, 'REALLY? How did you never even consider this? Why do you think I don't want to do it!?'

Me neither( re teens). How exactly are you supposed to prepare yourself for each and every stage?

I totally overestimated the baby stage- it was easy-peasey even with 2 out of 3 having colic.

Toddler stage I think I was pretty accurate.

Ages 6-11? That’s tough! Underestimated this stage!

Dreading the teens.

@PhilipJennings makes an excellent point about the mental load thing too. DH is in many respects a very good father and practically does a lot, I can't complain about his practical input in terms of parenting and the time he spends with her and the stuff he does around the house, but the mental load of things like her wardrobe, ordering her passport or arranging her jabs etc. falls to me, as if by default. It's just kind of accepted that I have an overview of that stuff and I don't know how that happened, it just did! And of all the couples I know, the woman is always the one carrying that mental load, without fail.

I have twins, and massively over estimated how difficult two newborns would be. People told me that toddlers are easier than newborns, so I was lulled into a false sense of security - toddler twins are so much more full on than newborns. I have found myself to be really struggling, and muttering about how easy it was before they could move around!

I’m now thinking that it’s going to stay this hard, but just in different ways as they get older and their needs change. I’ll be worrying about them until the day I die.

@DesLynamsMoustache yes it commonly appears the female is the default child carer. It frustrates and annoys me a lot.

I don't doubt my experience will be any different either I already sense it, down to taking ore conception vitamins. My DH won't take them, but I'm taking folic? Already started before baby is conceived!

Tbh I do feel like I am realistic about the teen years - because everyone on MN who has had teens reminds you that it’s easier than having toddlers! I don’t for a moment think I will understand fully until I live through it myself, but I certainly don’t feel like I haven’t been warned

Totally underestimated.

I think I had a pretty realistic idea, I am not sure how, though.

I underestimated not considering what it would be like to have a 'perfect' baby/toddler/young child who would go on to develop considerable mental health issues. Even then I thought love would conquer all.