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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh love..oh darling..oh bless you...

398 replies

saraclara · 01/03/2020 17:36

Where has this come from? Why are people starting responses to OPs with this sort of sugary stuff when they don't know the OP from Adam?

I get that they're trying to be nice, but it makes me feel vomity.

(Also anyone responding to this OP that way just to wind me up... I am SO not your darling and I WILL hunt you down Grin )

I'm not being unreasonable to hate it, am I?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/03/2020 11:16

MarieQueenofScotts, there are threads and posts that I consider unkind too - some of them are downright horrible in my opinion. Yet posters post on them gleefully. It's no coincidence that aggro/drama threads attract posters in droves.

I shudder at some and post alongside on others. It's my choice. It's everybody's choice to do that.

I don't see saraclara's posts as spiteful or vindictive but, when somebody expresses an opinion about anything at all it will inevitably needle somebody else. That's life.

Tattoos? Some people love them, others loath them - it's a battlefield every thread.

Nobody is saying that posters can't use flowery endearments, some are just saying that they don't like them - and they're entitled to say that. Using them is at your (general) discretion, you have no idea whether the recipient likes them or not - some will, some will not. You can't police that and you can't police what people's opinions are on the thread.

===

saraclara, I was thinking of a 'red hand', like on the H&S signs, a little, unobtrustive red hand. Like Horrid Henry, perhaps?

MarieQueenofScots · 02/03/2020 11:21

You can't police that and you can't police what people's opinions are on the thread

Sure. But much like you don’t think the OP was being unkind, I think they deliberately were. I don’t think they had any doubt their opinion would make people feel uncomfortable yet went ahead anyway (over something very trivial). I just think a moment’s introspection about motives when one is posting is useful.

GinDaddy · 02/03/2020 11:25

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

But it's not as simple as people just saying "I don't like the love, Hun and xx on posts".

There are MN'ers who make it their work to gang up on someone who has posted in a way which identifies them as a "Hun". Deliberately pointing out poor choices of words, refuting entire posts on the basis of spelling, criticising someone for not being part of a liberal middle class feminist cabal and viewpoint.

It's Clueless for the internet age, a pack mentality where as I said earlier, superior, correct-spelling, sweary, no-kisses folk can identify themselves to each other by how quickly they can decry the OP as being a "Hun".

Never mind the subject matter of the post. It's whether you're "one of us" that seems to count more on here.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/03/2020 11:35

I don't completely disagree with your last post, GinDaddy, but it's not specifically ganging up on a 'Hun', it's ganging up on anybody whose 'face doesn't fit'. That happens a lot here.

I don't see SPaG-guru correlating with not posting kisses, or a miss-speller being of a 'type' who would. We're all different.

Everybody is critical and judgemental of something. They get pulled up on it by those who don't agree. Posters on here making light of random 'huns' and 'kisses' can be quite defensive of other topics/criteria and get quite upset about it, neatly forgetting or ignoring that the boot was on the other foot on another thread and that perhaps those 'huns' are enjoying themselves on the threads that's causing angst.

That's a chatboard for you and it is that simple.

SallyWD · 02/03/2020 11:49

It seems unpleasant to make fun of people who speak differently to you. I suspect you feel these people are of a lower social class than you? Even more unpleasant to mock people on those grounds.

Original poster
saraclara · 02/03/2020 11:55

Thank you @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, for getting it!
Also the red hand would be great.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/03/2020 12:09

MarieQueenofScotts, just to be clear - IF this were a thread where a poster was upset at, for example, having lost her husband and IF a poster posting 'kisses' or 'huns' or 'bless you' was pulled up on that by somebody on that thread, that person doing the 'pulling up' would be rounded on by everybody, I would have thought.

I would certainly say something - not to the 'kisses' poster, but in support of them - because, time and place.

This isn't that thread, it's a conversational thread but it's undoubtedly prickling for some. I posted 'flowers' on a thread today. I don't feel stupid or daft for that, regardless of whether other posters like them or not, I posted them. They won't have upset the poster I posted them to and that's all that matters really.

MarieQueenofScots · 02/03/2020 12:12

Lying I knew what you meant. My point still stands.

Thinking about what one posts takes a mere second.

GinDaddy · 02/03/2020 12:15

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

That's "whatabouttery" as it's finest. I've been on this board a while and I can firmly attest that people DONT get pulled up for criticising an OP's spelling or deliberately and vindictively highlight poorly written portions of their post rather than address the premise of the OP.

It's the same as people saying "stop worrying about that - if someone dared to say it at a dinner party they would be told".

No, they're really not always told. And leaving it up to the forum to self-police, is just brushing away the topic at hand because it doesn't suit.

People are snobbish and critical of other's verbal style on here. They use it to goad and mock OPs. And other people join them.

That's just factual. Some of us may not like it pointed out but it is so.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/03/2020 12:19

That's your opinion, GinDaddy, you're entitled to it. I disagree with it.

This board is a mish-mash of people with lots to say about anything and everything, some of it true, some of it not. It will always be 'tribal' with a few who don't want to group.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/03/2020 12:21

GinDaddy, and you are incorrect about the pulling up of those who engage in SPaG baiting. I personally do it every single time I see it. Every time. I report it too.

Just because you don't see that doesn't make it so.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 02/03/2020 12:26

The only one I don't like on here is "you poor thing". Firstly because they're calling someone a thing. Secondly because it comes across as very condescending.

Original poster
saraclara · 02/03/2020 12:34

@Gindaddy despite being a bit of a pedant in real life, I hate it when the SPAG police let loose on someone. Because unlike choosing phrases or words that might irritate, spelling and grammar is not a choice. If someone has problems with literacy, there will be reasons for that, and any judgement and picking on individuals for it, is VERY personal. And I always pull people up on it.

A few weeks ago someone who was very distressed had her subject totally ignored, while being pulled up on her use of "would of". That's unkindness for you. And I said so then.

An AIBU semi humorous, generalised expression of irritation, that's not aimed at anyone in particular, is not unkind. It's just a little rant

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/03/2020 12:38

saraclara I think you've had a very skewed set of responses here. There was a thread last week something about 'what you don't like about mumsnet' or something like that? There'll be another one in a week or so. The point is that the OP had plenty of joining in, all kinds of unflattering responses against people who do or say x,y,z.

Just a tough crowd here...

ineedaholidaynow · 02/03/2020 12:44

As I have said before I think the reason why this thread has a tough crowd is that this thread is running alongside a bereavement thread where over 90% of the responses are using phrases that the OP is berating, and so it seems very callous.

Original poster
saraclara · 02/03/2020 13:04

That's unfortunate @ineedaholidaynow
Had I been aware, I'd have timed this differently. I certainly don't want anyone involved in that thread to feel bad, as of course that's a very specific sort of situation where usual preferences don't apply.

OP posts:
NeverGotMyPuppy · 02/03/2020 14:17

But there is often a thread like that. I guess that's the point we are trying to make. I'm not really sure what you were trying to get out of this thread.

annamie · 02/03/2020 14:48

Lots of subjects on here are 'boring', this one's divisive as so many of them are. Either we post our opinions or the board dies of 'borg-think'. People are entitled to their opinions.

But this is such an innocuous thing to rant about. When I was leaving my abusive husband, I bloody loved people calling me love and sweetheart. It made me feel not alone.

I would hate for people to stop doing that because of threads like this.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 02/03/2020 14:56

@annamie I'm glad it helped. I'm really baffled by why some people are so invested against other people being nice

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/03/2020 15:01

annamie, I give posters more credit than to be swayed by what some random on a thread says. Even if everybody on the thread is saying it.

I'm not the type to call people 'love' and 'sweetheart' but if I were, this thread wouldn't stop me because it would be me, that's what I do. As it is, if I'd seen your thread and posted on it, I would have said that I was sorry for your situation and would wish you the best future outcome. It's not fluffy as such but I would mean it and genuinely want that for you.

I think you're giving too much credit to the influence of a thread like this. It wasn't personal, it's no more dire than for 500 posters to say that they don't like tattoos. I've been on a thread like that and the posters who have and love their tattoos just vow to get more. Grin

I've seen lots of threads today with 'love' and 'xxx' and 'honey' very prominently on them... perhaps that's because of this thread, or in spite of it... it doesn't matter, made me smile.

This thread wasn't personal, I really believe that.

SallyWD · 02/03/2020 15:44

It's also how northerners speak. I live in Yorkshire. They can't end a sentence without saying love, dear or sweetheart. I imagine these terms get used when typing Mumsnet responses too. I think it's lovely and affectionate.

MarieQueenofScots · 02/03/2020 15:53

They can't end a sentence without saying love, dear or sweetheart

I don’t think I have ever ended a sentence with any of the above....

SallyWD · 02/03/2020 16:05

Are you from Yorkshire? OK maybe I exagerrate when I say they can't end a sentence without those terms but they do use them a lot. As a southerner who's moved here it was the first thing I noticed. I get called love several times a day and I love it!

MarieQueenofScots · 02/03/2020 16:08

Are you from Yorkshire?

Never lived anywhere else!

Sagradafamiliar · 02/03/2020 17:06

I don't speak like that and never would, either. Although yes, some people in Yorkshire do.