Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go out in the evening so much?

300 replies

Butterbear86 · 01/03/2020 12:47

I tend to go out once a week with friends for a meal / drink. Sometimes it might be twice in one week but nothing the next - it depends when people are free. It averages to once a week, certainly no more than three times in a fortnight. I don’t go until after dc2 is in bed as dh wont have both children awake on his own, and he won’t do bedtime. The older one goes on his own. So I don’t go out until about 8pm and I’m back by 11pm. I have a six very close friends - but none of them are friends, I know them from all different places which is why we end up meeting separately.
Dh rarely goes out with friends, maybe only three / four times a year, but he is usually out the whole night and ends up stopping at one of their houses and is in bed hungover the whole of the next day. However he golfs every single Saturday, 9am and isn’t back til after 5pm as he goes to the clubhouse afterwards and from May to September he plays two evenings a week. He says it’s different because he’s back by 9pm but he goes straight from work and then both children are in bed when he gets back so he doesn’t see either of them those days.
He says I go out too much and I shouldn’t want to. The thing is - if I stay in it’s only sitting in front of the tv anyway or me doing housework / ironing whilst he sits in front of the tv.
Aibu to go out so much? I didn’t go out at all last week in the evening but I’m meant to be going out tomorrow evening and I’ve asked him if I can go next Saturday too which is why he’s not very happy.

OP posts:
RedRed9 · 02/03/2020 19:17

@Butterbear86 I feel really sad for you.

Your husband is pathetic. You deserve better.

Rachel1874 · 02/03/2020 19:27

It's too much to manage both... yet its ok for you to manage both!! He is their dad, tell him to just get on with it. Think himself lucky you put first one to bed before you go.

svenwhen · 02/03/2020 19:27

Op, you said you couldn't leave him because he'd be so so upset. Is he "upset" when you go out with your friends ? Do you dread him being upset and walking on egg shells?Moody ... silent treatment? There all huge red flags , he's trying to control you. I ask because that's my "d"h. 20 years later I'm still with him, very very few friends, never go out anywhere.

svenwhen · 02/03/2020 19:29

Try to move this to Relationships.

Nearly47 · 02/03/2020 19:41

Do you ever go out with him?

winkywonky · 02/03/2020 19:43

Tell him you will stay in if he gives up the golf. You are not missing any time with your children as they are in bed. He is missing a full non school day of quality time with his kids. Apologies OP but he sounds like a total prize arsehole to me.

jigglybits · 02/03/2020 19:45

He goes out all day on Saturdays? Plus two weekday evenings in the summer?
&he thinks YOU go out too much?
Whaaat?!!

MissGrizzlesniff · 02/03/2020 19:45

My husband is many bad things that mean we are very close to separation, but one thing he can do is look after our children (aged 7 and 3). I go for weekends away with friends every few months and had a week abroad when my youngest was 2. He doesn't object to me going away, and am fine with him doing the same. Both parents should be able to care for their children independently.

Disabrie22 · 02/03/2020 19:54

Why would you let him get away with this behaviour? You are being a doormat - put your foot down and see where your relationship goes.

MadMadaMim · 02/03/2020 20:00

You have to ask if you can go out?

Does he have to get your permission to go out?

WhenYouveAFirstInEnglish · 02/03/2020 20:05

The way some people live just makes me want to weep sometimes. I feel sick for you @Butterbear86. You know this isn’t normal and it isn’t happiness and you are wasting your one precious life?

Alpal1 · 02/03/2020 20:06

Your husband is outrageously selfish.
You enjoy your night out. You have certainly earned it!

Hushhush89 · 02/03/2020 20:06

What's going to happen when your back at work? Surely he will have to look after BOTH of his children at same time or will you have to arrange it that you only work when your children are at nursery/school....

I understand your currently a sahm but your husband needs to help you more. I'm a sahm but whenever my husband has a day off he helps with everything, most of the time he is home just after 6 and he tends to do bedtimes....
Keep going out when ever you like and if your husband doesn't like it, tell him you'll give up a day of going out but he has to give up a golf day too, he'll soon stop moaning

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 02/03/2020 20:08

This is tragic. A grown man incapable of putting his own child to bed, all the time he'd be fretting about his elder son (11 years old, probably more capable of looking after himself than his father) downstairs by himself whilst he actually parents. Good grief ...

OP I built a life for myself when I was married to a man who had hobbies (fishing, hunting, boating, drinking with his mates, so not the standard cycling) that kept him busy then as soon as weather or the coast was rubbish and the booze finished he'd come home expecting me to be there waiting to keep him company. It took a major incident for me to realise the extent of inequality in our relationship (no children thank goodness, another story for another time) and it was two years before I had my ducks in a row but once they were all lined up I was out of there and I've never looked back.

My ex was 'upset' too, but it didn't stop me leaving and it shouldn't be a factor for you not leaving if you want to for every other reason.

Tommo75 · 02/03/2020 20:10

Do you love him Op? I think I'd struggle to have any love for a man who treated me like this. He doesn't enjoy spending time with his children and begrudges you spending time with your friends.

Sally2791 · 02/03/2020 20:11

He is controlling you- please don’t allow it! Outrageous that he can’t manage two dc, what rubbish. If he doesn’t sort himself out he’s asking to be dumped

Commonwasher · 02/03/2020 20:26

You are completely entitled to some time of your own. If you add up the hours he is out in a month, versus your nights out, he’s having FAR more downtime than you — in any case SAHMs get no weekends, no sick leave and no holidays.

In your shoes I think I would agree not to go out in the evening, saying this time is clearly precious, but that, if this is so, he will also stay at home in the evenings. And furthermore that in lieu of your lost downtime you will see your friends every other Saturday 9-5 from now on, the day will be shared between you alternately and you’ll be starting this weekend.

A day at home with both kids every other week will make bedtime seem like a breeze.

It will get worse before it gets better. But if he thinks he is being reasonable, he needs to have a word with himself.

Good luck x

Bluntness100 · 02/03/2020 20:33

Just hold firm op. He’s treating you like some form of unpaid help. Just keep going out. Don’t let him isolate you and for gods sake, stop asking his permission.

WiseNiceWoman · 02/03/2020 20:40

This is awful of him to think that his going out is OK over your going out. You do all the mum things and it's not like you are neglecting your kids. He should have both at one time now and again and he should also do bed time sometimes - they are his kids too. When he goes out all day on a Saturday from 9am-5 pm that's family time and one can imagine what he's talking about to his equally idiot mates "yeah she goes out and it ain't right mate. She's a woman. Yeah man real her in and show her who's boss. These women they need to be treated like kids and shown who's boss - blah blah blah". I hope you are one strong woman cos he's trying to walk over you and if you allow him it will get worse. Don't be a typical fool fool woman please and allow him to boss you around like that. He sounds just a little narcissistic, to be honest. Tell him if he thinks his Saturdays from 9to5 are OK then why don't you both see a relationship counsellar to sort out the goings out. I bet he won't want to cos he don't want to look at himself. He also wants you to be at home and have little friends as he. I'm sorry this is when man detracts from your life rather than add benefit to it. Nah, this ain't happening to me and with those Saturdays gone all day like that. Well, he better leave some serious money for me to do things with the kids otherwise he ain't getting any and if in a good position will be looking for a divorce and leave him high and dry. Cos he must be spending a lot of money on dring and also when he goes out clubbing and sleeps over. Next things might happen and he'll be "Oh she doesn't do anything, I always sleep out now and again" Doesn't sound like a likeable man just controlling to be honest - having his cake and eating it. I just hope he earns a lot and you aren't working hard at home and hard at your professional job cos what's the use having him around then. I'm so sorry he's like this as not what you signed up for. He's narcissistic and reason why he doesn't have many friends. If he doesn't get on well with his mum then that's a classic sign - disrespect to women. He can socialise in a golf environment because it is predictable and in his comfort zone. Damn!

RandomUser3049 · 02/03/2020 20:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

gerim · 02/03/2020 20:41

He sounds a bit narcissistic, (from experience) you shouldnt have to ask him if and when you can go out, you should be able to just say "I'm out on Wednesday this week", he has a social life with golf and getting the chance to do that every saturday is more than reason enough for you to have every opportunity to get out when you can. I would agree with some other posts that he needs to be doing more with the kids - Including bedtimes!!

WiseNiceWoman · 02/03/2020 20:45

You are a doormat. She gives up her evenings which doesn't impact on the kids to go out on every other Saturdays which they may not be able to make whilst he still plays golf every Saturday from 9-5 pm. Doormat!

Verily1 · 02/03/2020 20:47

No your more pressing issue is you are in a emotionally abusive relationship with a complete wanker

This with bells on

Scotland32 · 02/03/2020 20:50

Really sorry OP but I don’t like the way your husband behaves. He is selfish.
He is their father, what do you mean he ‘won’t do bedtime’???
He basically does zero childcare when you are out (unless they wake up) and so he can do whatever he wants in the house (watch tv, do an at home hobby etc) and yet you do a huge amount of childcare in order for him to indulge his hobbies.
Your relationship does not sound balanced.
I would not be putting up with that.

Verily1 · 02/03/2020 20:52

My friends don’t like him

Please listen to your friends!

You havent had a night off In 11 years?!

So you are basically a slave.

Please read up on coercive control as domestic abuse.

Swipe left for the next trending thread