Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go out in the evening so much?

300 replies

Butterbear86 · 01/03/2020 12:47

I tend to go out once a week with friends for a meal / drink. Sometimes it might be twice in one week but nothing the next - it depends when people are free. It averages to once a week, certainly no more than three times in a fortnight. I don’t go until after dc2 is in bed as dh wont have both children awake on his own, and he won’t do bedtime. The older one goes on his own. So I don’t go out until about 8pm and I’m back by 11pm. I have a six very close friends - but none of them are friends, I know them from all different places which is why we end up meeting separately.
Dh rarely goes out with friends, maybe only three / four times a year, but he is usually out the whole night and ends up stopping at one of their houses and is in bed hungover the whole of the next day. However he golfs every single Saturday, 9am and isn’t back til after 5pm as he goes to the clubhouse afterwards and from May to September he plays two evenings a week. He says it’s different because he’s back by 9pm but he goes straight from work and then both children are in bed when he gets back so he doesn’t see either of them those days.
He says I go out too much and I shouldn’t want to. The thing is - if I stay in it’s only sitting in front of the tv anyway or me doing housework / ironing whilst he sits in front of the tv.
Aibu to go out so much? I didn’t go out at all last week in the evening but I’m meant to be going out tomorrow evening and I’ve asked him if I can go next Saturday too which is why he’s not very happy.

OP posts:
notforonesecond · 01/03/2020 15:48

It’s sad that you don’t think you deserve better than him. And that he’s the sort of role model you’ve ended up choosing for your son.

But if you’re staying with the wanker then just continue to go and out ignore him. There isn’t much else you can do.

tiggerkid · 01/03/2020 15:50

I don’t mind him not doing anything round the house because I’m a sahm so it’s mt job really

This right here is the root cause of the whole issue!
Presumably you both agreed to have kids and live together? You didn't drag him into it with a gun against his head? If that's the case, then why on Earth do you see it as your job to do everything around the house as well as look after the kids alone? It's as much his responsibility as it is yours. So once you have fulfilled your share of parental and household responsibility, you have as much right to your own space and time as he does. It seems to me that he more than takes his fair share of rights to personal time and life's enjoyment and you are just stuck with all the work and now he wants you to have no play too.

If his argument is that he is the one, who provides for you the kids and, therefore, he is entitled to doing nothing at all to help around the house and control your life in other ways, then I'd say it's a form of abuse.

He doesn't want you to go out because he likely doesn't want you to hear from your friends what a piece of sh** he is. And I'd be very surprised if your friends know him or about him and don't think that!

I don't know him but from your descriptions alone, he sounds like a piece of sh** to me. Sorry.

Honkingallthewaytothebank · 01/03/2020 15:50

He can’t handle an 11 year old?!

autumnboys · 01/03/2020 16:01

He sounds like an unbearable bellend to be honest. Okay for him to be out two evenings a week, plus all day in a Saturday, but not for you to go out on average once a week? Can’t handle getting his own kids into bed?

I hope he has some amazing redeeming features, because he’s really not coming across well here at all.

DramaQueef · 01/03/2020 16:07

Can't believe that there are women that still put up with this treatment! Why??? You have as much right to do things as he does? Who made him superior?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/03/2020 16:08

his justification will be that he "works" and she "doesn't work"

I agree. And yet her 'work' is so challenging that he is 100% incapable of doing any of it. It always amazes me that men run every major institution the world over and yet housework and bedtimes elude them. It's almost like they don't want to. Or something. I mean it can't be that, can it?

StormyClouds · 01/03/2020 16:09

How are you performing in your role of SAHM? Are the beds made? Is dinner on the table for your DH coming home from work? Are the DC's packed lunches made?

If you're performing your duties to a high standard, clearly there is no issue with the occasional evening out.

However, the role of a SAHM (such as myself) is to make the working parent's life easier- if that's not happening, your DH is only naturally going to wonder whether he might not get better value for money in bringing in an au-pair/nanny and sending you back to work full- time.

I think the issue here may well be with performance and value-for-money rather than your evening outings.

DramaQueef · 01/03/2020 16:12

Are you her husband @StormyClouds ?

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 01/03/2020 16:13

He’s an ass and you’re a fool for allowing it.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/03/2020 16:14

@StormyClouds the 1800s called, they want you back.

Nogodsnomasters · 01/03/2020 16:14

bigchris great to see you're reading minds, what a talent.

Nogodsnomasters · 01/03/2020 16:16

northernsoullover did I say never? I said doing it every week is weird, TO ME as it's not my personal preference, I specifically said in the post if it suits other people's family set up then I didn't think op was doing anything wrong. Did you just choose to read half my post and ignore the rest??

Wolfiefan · 01/03/2020 16:18

Performing your duties? Really?
Confused

Nogodsnomasters · 01/03/2020 16:21

nicelegsshameaboutheface every single week? Zero. Once or twice a month...however many you want.

Connie222 · 01/03/2020 16:22

@StormyClouds wow. Wow.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 01/03/2020 16:23

He’s trying to control you. Good on you for going out - make sure you carry on as you are and as for asking his permission - tell him to do one.

DuploTower · 01/03/2020 16:27

I can't get past the fact he refuses to be alone with his children.

What the actual fuck.

gingersausage · 01/03/2020 16:28

@StormyClouds are you a stand up comedian because that was hysterical 🤣🤣

@Butterbear86, I refuse to believe you can have been on Mumsnet for more than five minutes without figuring out that your husband is an utter cock. How can you think that the way he treats you is acceptable?

WaggleWiggle · 01/03/2020 16:28

He’s not really being a parent is he? He’s getting you to do as much as possible and making excuses to wriggle out of basics like bedtime. Not on.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 01/03/2020 16:29

Just reading the whole thread is giving me the rage!

We never factor him into our weekend plans

This is so sad, what’s the actual point of him??

URWelcome · 01/03/2020 16:30

@StormyClouds

Maybe in Stepford, but back in the real world...

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 01/03/2020 16:31

Stormyclouds - I’m a SAHM and I’m rolling around laughing at your post! Hilarious!! I am assuming you’re joking......??

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/03/2020 16:36

@Waxonwaxoff0 Seconded!!

OP I think you should go out a lot more from now on!! Stuff performing your "duties"

Flutteringsatlast · 01/03/2020 16:40

I left and divorced my dh for drink driving and abusive behaviour.. Also the neglect of his dc as you describe op. After court intervention /Cafcass - older dc didn't have to see him and younger ones until they were old enough to tell him to naff off..
He was a waste of utter space a bit like yours op.

SueEllenMishke · 01/03/2020 16:42

stormyclouds are you quoting from your latest performance review?!
Funny post

Swipe left for the next trending thread