To go out in the evening so much?

[Butterbear86]

I tend to go out once a week with friends for a meal / drink. Sometimes it might be twice in one week but nothing the next - it depends when people are free. It averages to once a week, certainly no more than three times in a fortnight. I don’t go until after dc2 is in bed as dh wont have both children awake on his own, and he won’t do bedtime. The older one goes on his own. So I don’t go out until about 8pm and I’m back by 11pm. I have a six very close friends - but none of them are friends, I know them from all different places which is why we end up meeting separately.
Dh rarely goes out with friends, maybe only three / four times a year, but he is usually out the whole night and ends up stopping at one of their houses and is in bed hungover the whole of the next day. However he golfs every single Saturday, 9am and isn’t back til after 5pm as he goes to the clubhouse afterwards and from May to September he plays two evenings a week. He says it’s different because he’s back by 9pm but he goes straight from work and then both children are in bed when he gets back so he doesn’t see either of them those days.
He says I go out too much and I shouldn’t want to. The thing is - if I stay in it’s only sitting in front of the tv anyway or me doing housework / ironing whilst he sits in front of the tv.
Aibu to go out so much? I didn’t go out at all last week in the evening but I’m meant to be going out tomorrow evening and I’ve asked him if I can go next Saturday too which is why he’s not very happy.

You sound on a pretty even keel over all with how much time out the house you both spend, which is nice because your both getting plenty of child free time (I wish I was this lucky) but I think there is an issue which needs addressing and that is just because you have a pair of boobs doesn't mean you automatically have to/can do more child care. This isn't fair.

I think there is too much hyperbole on this thread. Being a SAHM is for all intents and purposes, a job. Every job has a clear role description which the post-holder is obliged to follow.

The OP is (in effect) 'employed' by her DH as a SAHM- albeit he is not her boss as such (in the conventional sense).

Any line manager who sees an employee not performing the obligatory duties of their role is naturally going to discuss the issue with them. If this does not lead to a resolution, they are likely to look at alternative arrangements.

In this case, the DH clearly feels that she is not meeting the requirements of the role and is resentful of the fact that he is effectively subsidising her to do not very much in his eyes.

He may feel that best way forward is for the OP to return to work and for an au-pair/nanny to be brought in. Alternatively, he may prefer for the Op to balance her domestic duties with working on a full or part-time basis.

Stormy say what? I thought you were a piss take. Are you actually for real?

Being a SAHM is not a job. The DH is not her “line manager”. They wouldn’t have used this kind of language in the 1950s.

Marriage is a partnership. Do you know what that means? It’s not indentured servitude. He is not paying her for services rendered and he does not get to tick off her objectives on a score card. He certainly doesn’t get to decide that he can come and go at will, duck out of any domestic work and then restrict the OP from going out.

I am genuinely speechless. I really thought you were a funny pastiche of a surrendered wife. You have actually made me shiver.

If being a SAHM is a job, the op should not be working more than 48 hours a week, should have a proper rest between shifts and will have annual leave.

If the op goes back to work full time, they should have the same amount of time off which means if the H wants to be out golfing all Saturday, the op gets to go out every evening.

This question seems to revolve around your individual social life's.
When at home can you just be?
Is it comfortable silence or do you need to fill it?
Due to the social aspects you describe I am guessing if you were to leave life would be very different.
Do you want to be with this person or do you feel like it has run its course?

stormyclouds Even if for a second we were going to entertain the idea that there was any truth in your ludicrous Devil’s advocacy, my manager doesn’t get to tell me what to do in my leisure time. I would say that on an average night, OP’s ‘shift’ is over once the youngest DC is in bed. Even the most useless of people can keep an ear out for a sleeping three year old for three hours. She’s a SAHM mum, not a 24 hour live-in babysitter. Even they’d get holiday.

(FYI, OP, I absolutely do not believe you’re employed by your husband but I do think he sounds awful and his behaviour and attitude towards you is terrible).

Your husband is a raging hypocrite. And @StormyClouds you must have been at the sherry if you think a working parent is the boss of the SAHP.....

He has it nice and cushy doesn't he? He has set your standards pretty low. How would he manage if he had to do alot more when you ltb

My DH is a bit old fashioned re 'women's work' etc - and not great at cooking or housework (though he does work very hard at 'mens work') - however, not even he would come out with that sort of rubbish!

OK - he might not read them a story or spend as long as I do over bedtime routines, but it would never occur to him to say he couldn't manage two, or do bedtimes! He also copes when I go away for the occasional weekend - I'm sorry but your DH is either a total dinosaur or a bit of a control freak! Did he change nappies when the children were younger? He does sound awfully removed from them...….

And he doesn't mind your oldest being left alone while you put the younger one to bed, when he's not there, does he?

Also - I hope you don't actually have to 'ask' him permission for a night out? Carry on, YADNBU!

averages once a week/three times a fortnight....wahahaha! and what @bigchris said

Why do you have to ask him? I’m afraid I’d be telling him to wise up, can’t look after his own kids together? He doesn’t have to do anything extra when you’re out, he’s probably bored but tough, he has his own hobbies

I would have zero respect for a 'man' who was unable or unwilling to parent his children.
I raised my child alone because of the shitty attitude of a man. I managed perfectly well to work and parent with little to no input from him. This included a social life btw.
Please don't feel because 'he'd be upset ' you have to stop in this one sided relationship! He's already checking out by the sounds of it.
Put yourself first. Then your children. He shouldn't factor anywhere as far as I see it. You sound utterly miserable and resigned to this existence that revolves around him and your children.
There is another way if you choose it.
Unless a miracle happens and you get this fuckwit to man the fuck up and take on his share of responsibility for his children and his home and show you the respect you deserve . Can't see that happening but I'm not the one lumbered with him .
Stormy I think you should put down the 🍹 and stop talking bollocks

All I got from your comment is...

Why are the two of you even together...

Two children and you both are miles apart on FAMILY life!

If you do not spend quality time together, one of you will have had enough sooner rather than later!

Your husband is a useless arse. I had one of those and he didn’t like me going out at all... told me I was a shit wife, shit mother & a shit person because after nearly 10 years I got a life. I LTB. Met someone new and have another DS with him. He actively encourages me to go out as often as poss, but actually love to SAH because my FH is tons of fun and we love being together. My eldest child from 1st marriage loves being with us because at nearly 18 he’s realised exH does to him what he did to me.

@Butterbear86 Do not ask permission to go out, that's ridiculous, you are a fully functioning adult!

I'm not surprised if your friends don't like him, I don't like the sound of him either; Your children are cared for, your husband has his own activities/days out, you're perfectly entitled to have time out enjoying yourself too.

Stop this controlling behaviour in its tracks now, go out when you want to go out and do not justify it to a man who is unwilling to give up his own hobbies but expects you to slave away at home 24 hours a day!

Ok, let me get this straight

You: Go out and meet friends after your kids are in bed, well when the youngest is as the oldest can sort theirself out for about 3 hours 3 times a fortnight?

Your husband: Plays golf all day every Saturday for 7-8 hours then through spring and summer also goes out to play twice a week in the evening?

By my calculations, you are out of the house on average 18 hours a month and he, without the spring/summer extra golf even taken into account, is out of the house on average 28-32 hours a month. He goes out too much! He is also missing valuable time with the kids, you are not. He sounds like a dick to be honest

What your children need is a happy healthy Mum and for you to model looking after your well being (seeing friends etc). Don't ask, put it in the family calendar and go. They could also do with seeing their Dad doing some good role modeling by being a useful parent but that's a whole other can of worms for you by the sounds!

Also dh would be so upset.
How upset? Upset enough to care a teeny weeny bit about you? Upset enough to parent his own children? Doubt it.

Find the best job you can op. See your friends as much as you can, you will need them. Next time he stays out all night, do the same the next night, go stay at a friends. Look at other dads you see and notice how they care about their family and spend time with them. Make plans to leave.

If you love him you can try a come to god talk about how he needs to step up, and maybe counselling, but I wouldn’t put money on it. I presume you’ve already said the basic stuff like ‘but I put them to bed on my own all the time, how do you think I manage? I have the same number of arms you do.’ And ‘is hobby more important than your children every single weekend?’ ‘And you are gone all day Saturday but resent my going out for a few hours after they are in bed?’ And he’s just gone I’m special and important and you are an unvalued slave, I don’t even like the children so why would I want to spend time with them? so that’s how it is.

I go out around once a week for a meal and chat or cinema with friends so I think it’s perfectly reasonable. I am single though so nobody to judge me on it! My adult kids look after the younger those evenings (youngest is 10).

I lost you at "won't have" what a prick

Why do you put up with this?

You are effectively a single parent so why not leave?

I can really relate to you as my DH is similar in terms of his reluctance to be on his own with the kids (DC1 4 & DC2 1) He is a wonderful DH in most ways so can't slag him off but this is sometimes an issue for us. I totally understand people saying he's lazy and bad parent etc but just to come at it from another perspective ...... me and my DH have talked openly about it and I've stressed that it not acceptable to say he can't do it on his own. It's not that he doesn't want to do it - it's that he's scared of getting it wrong and a lack of confidence and part of this is because I've always took the lead with the kids so he has become dependant on me. He pulls his weight with the kids and is a great Dad but I'm always directing him in what needs to be done etc. Whenever I have left him on his own his Mum will step in to help so he has also become dependant on her. For me the best thing I've done is putting more responsibility on him - when I went back to work he agreed to sort with work that he can have 1 day off in week for childcare so he now has DC2 on his own. I've tried to encourage he stays away from his Mums! It is working and I can tell he has more confidence as a parent. It's not perfect but it's a start. Although I know your DH does sound like he's not pulling his weight, part of it might just be a lack of confidence (3 year olds can be pretty scary sometimes!) You def need to be open with him about how being a SAHM and then never having a break when he's there affects you and just as he needs his downtime with golf you also need something for you. See if he will agree to doing more on his own to get used to it. If he's not willing to try then you need to start telling him you're off out rather than seeking permission. You need those nights out for your own sanity!!!

@MrsN2210 so if 3 year olds are so “scary”, how come you knew what to do? Basically you are saying your husband is useless because you control his every interaction with his children by hovering over him and telling him he’s doing it wrong. He isn’t “scared of getting it wrong”, he just knows if he sits there looking pathetic, you’ll take over and he can watch the footy in peace. You’ve made a rod for your own back like so many young mothers do because they want everything micromanaged their way, and their lazy arse husbands take advantage of it, facilitated by their mummies. You might want nights out for some fun, but you don’t need them for your sanity if you are in a relationship with an equal adult parent instead of a pathetic mummies boy man-baby.

@Nogodsnomasters why on earth is it wierd to go and socialise midweek? So once you have kids your life is over, and you can never leave the house mid week for a pizza ever again. That is the weirdest thing I've ever read.

OP you need to leave this vile bullying pig, get a full time job, get some money behind you and send him packing, he probably barely goes out because with an attitude like that how does he have any mates.

He’s says it isn’t fair to leave dc1 by themselves downstairs if he’s sorting out dc2 for bed. Whereas if I sort out dc2 he can stay with dc1 (watching tv).

You can't leave.an 11 year old downstairs while.you put a 3 year old to bed??? Now I have heard them all. What a spurious, non- event of an excuse for his unbelievably selfish laziness.
I'd laugh in his face at that one.

Have you asked him who stays with the 11 year old when he goes out and isn't back until 9pm or when he stays out all night?