To go out in the evening so much?

[Butterbear86]

I tend to go out once a week with friends for a meal / drink. Sometimes it might be twice in one week but nothing the next - it depends when people are free. It averages to once a week, certainly no more than three times in a fortnight. I don’t go until after dc2 is in bed as dh wont have both children awake on his own, and he won’t do bedtime. The older one goes on his own. So I don’t go out until about 8pm and I’m back by 11pm. I have a six very close friends - but none of them are friends, I know them from all different places which is why we end up meeting separately.
Dh rarely goes out with friends, maybe only three / four times a year, but he is usually out the whole night and ends up stopping at one of their houses and is in bed hungover the whole of the next day. However he golfs every single Saturday, 9am and isn’t back til after 5pm as he goes to the clubhouse afterwards and from May to September he plays two evenings a week. He says it’s different because he’s back by 9pm but he goes straight from work and then both children are in bed when he gets back so he doesn’t see either of them those days.
He says I go out too much and I shouldn’t want to. The thing is - if I stay in it’s only sitting in front of the tv anyway or me doing housework / ironing whilst he sits in front of the tv.
Aibu to go out so much? I didn’t go out at all last week in the evening but I’m meant to be going out tomorrow evening and I’ve asked him if I can go next Saturday too which is why he’s not very happy.

I too am gobsmacked at this situation, OP.

Just out of interest, what happens on Sundays? Do you have a family day together?

What a tosser. You don’t go out very much or for very long. What do you mean he won’t do bedtime or have two awake at once. I’d tell him to go fuck himself and I’d get a baby sitter in who WILL do bedtimes, who doesn’t mind having them both up and who won’t restrict you to a time limit!

I always check with DH if I am going out in an evening, either work or social, as does he with me, but that is to ensure someone is at home if needed. So not asking permission as such.

However, OP’s situation sounds awful. Has he never done bedtime OP? You say you stay for the children but what do they actually get from having their dad around at the moment? Do you do family stuff on a Sunday? Ironically if you split up he would have to step up as a dad when it was his turn to have the children.

Please, get a grip. Tell him to do one. So glad I’m single

OMG he’s using the 11 year old as an excuse not to put the 3 year old to bed!!!! He’s a proper idiot isn’t he?! You would in my opinion be better off without him but see if you can change the situation first.

@gingersausage get real she is a SAHM so she is naturally going to take lead with the kids as she's there all the time. Also she clearly said she only has 9 hours of childcare and during that time she is volunteering and doing housework so yes she does need those nights out for 'sanity' even if her DH was more hands on. There's no shame in men saying they find it hard looking after kids - it doesn't come naturally to all of them but main point is they try to get better at it so the pressure is not all on mum.

@gingersausage Also FYI totally got it wrong about my life and my relationship so please don't make assumptions.

He sounds awful. You sound like a doormat. Poor kids growing up in such a household.

if you split up he would have to step up as a dad when it was his turn to have the children

I wouldn't bet on that. I know someone whose ex-DIL (yes, that's DIL) is very good at wriggling out of her childcare responsibilities when it's supposed to be her turn...

Sit your husband down and tell him he is not more important than you, though he clearly thinks he is.

There's no shame in men saying they find it hard looking after kids - it doesn't come naturally to all of them

Do they have some gene or biological defect that means it’s more difficult for men to look after children? I know many people who find parenting a challenge - men and women - I’m not sure why men should get away with not doing it though. There’s absolutely no reason why a man shouldn’t be expected to care for his children regardless of how difficult he might find it.

Life is to short to put up with that and as someone has said the emotional impact on your children who will one day turn around and say he never took any interest .once you get a job are you willing to still do everything to be honest you sound like a single mum .

Ffs I am going to be that twat but who are these men and where do you find them?? I'd have absolutely no issues with partners having regular hobbies or whatever away from each other and the children i think its good for your heads but not doing bedtime and not having the children at the same time!!! I do actually know people whose husbands are the same so its not uncommon but I'd so be saying "no love I'm off out deal with it" I guess my kind of attitude stems from watching my dad be a total cunt to my mum over the years, so Ive always had the 'no fuck off you can do your bit too' attitude to childcare etc

Your posts have made me really sad, OP. It is awful to think of anyone in such a situation.

Your evenings out are probably doubly precious to you, so you can have a short break from home life, have some real conversation and a good laugh. It is in no way unreasonable of you to want and need that. You're as entitled to a social life as he is.

Are you willing to stand up to your husband and tell him he is the unreasonable one? Its certainly not asking much of a father to put his kids to bed once a week. Can you tell him that, pop out and leave him to it?
If you can't stand up to him, is it because he's a bully, are you scared of physical reprisals or will he just sulk like a child?

IMO, you need to think about whether its possible for you both to become the team you should be and start working together. If you dont think this is ever going to happen, are you prepared to put up with another 40 odd years like this? Do you even want to? I think this matter of going out is a big turning point for you, to have made you post here. Are you prepared to think about making a future for you & the kids without him. He's setting a bad example to your kids of how a husband and father should be. And you all deserve so much more than this.

Sending you my very best wishes.

I’d start rallying up the hours he’s out compared to you then remind him of your owed.

I’d also get the bedtime thing sorted. It’s so opposite of sexy when a man can’t cope with simple bedtime routines.

Is this a zombie thread from the 1950s?

Nogodsnomasters
Personally I think it's weird to go out during the school week socialising when you have 2 children

I used to know someone like you. She subsumed herself completely into the children. She was no longer Angela, she was Simon and Emily's mum. When the twins grew up and left home she found it so traumatic she had a nervous breakdown.

StormyClouds too ridiculous to be worthy of a response.

OP, can I ask what does this pathetic arsehole contribute to your life apart from money and do you really want your children emulating him as they grow up?

If the answers are 'nothing' and 'no' I wish you good luck working towards removing him from your life, even if it's a long term plan after finishing volunteering and finding a job.

dh wont have both children awake on his own, and he won’t do bedtime.

He says I go out too much and I shouldn’t want to.

my friends offered to pay for a night away for my birthday this year but I know it’ll cause so many problems it’s not worth it.

He needs to change his behaviour drastically yeah right or you need to leave him.
Sorry, but that's the size of it.

Who made him God of the household OP?

My friends don’t like him and I don’t like his friends.

This is a major red flag. Is it just the time he resents or do you think he'd also rather you didn't have friends or talk to them

It is stressful going out and I also can’t go far. If I can’t get out until gone 8pm travelling further than fifteen minutes or so makes it not worthwhile going out else it’s basically time to come home.
I also find that when I’m trying to get dc2 to bed he will then come upstairs and make noise which prolongs the going to sleep process. Occasionally I’ve ended up having to cancel literally as I’m due to be meeting because dc2 isn’t asleep.

Op that is completely ridiculous. You have ONE three year old (cos I doubt the 11 year should factor into bedtime). Your DH should be able to put him to bed! It’s not triplet babies here

Does that mean that DH never ever does bedtime when you are both home? Is the 3 year crying for you? Or is DH just refusing to do it?

I’d be telling him he shapes up or you will divorce him. And then he’ll have to deal with his child alone every other weekend if he actually wants to see them

Dh has never done bedtime full stop.
Nor bathtime.
Nor changed a nappy when they were of nappy age.
Nor got up once in the night.

Make a change now @Butterbear86 .
The next time you are due out, go out at 7pm. Turn your phone off, enjoy your night and make sure you do it every time. What man can't deal with a 3 year olds bedtime?

He's a bit pointless then isn't he really?