To go out in the evening so much?

[Butterbear86]

I tend to go out once a week with friends for a meal / drink. Sometimes it might be twice in one week but nothing the next - it depends when people are free. It averages to once a week, certainly no more than three times in a fortnight. I don’t go until after dc2 is in bed as dh wont have both children awake on his own, and he won’t do bedtime. The older one goes on his own. So I don’t go out until about 8pm and I’m back by 11pm. I have a six very close friends - but none of them are friends, I know them from all different places which is why we end up meeting separately.
Dh rarely goes out with friends, maybe only three / four times a year, but he is usually out the whole night and ends up stopping at one of their houses and is in bed hungover the whole of the next day. However he golfs every single Saturday, 9am and isn’t back til after 5pm as he goes to the clubhouse afterwards and from May to September he plays two evenings a week. He says it’s different because he’s back by 9pm but he goes straight from work and then both children are in bed when he gets back so he doesn’t see either of them those days.
He says I go out too much and I shouldn’t want to. The thing is - if I stay in it’s only sitting in front of the tv anyway or me doing housework / ironing whilst he sits in front of the tv.
Aibu to go out so much? I didn’t go out at all last week in the evening but I’m meant to be going out tomorrow evening and I’ve asked him if I can go next Saturday too which is why he’s not very happy.

Don't you ever go away for a weekend with the girls op? Hen nights etc

No, I can’t stay away overnight 😬😬

You don't need his permission to go out, you're not neglecting your kids to do so and it's perfectly reasonable. What isn't reasonable is him telling you how to feel - 'shouldn't want to'?? Who the hell is he to try to tell you how to feel? Also, you don't need his permission to go out. I'm getting riled up on your behalf just reading this.

As a previous poster said, this would make me want to go out every night of the week just to spite him!

Nogods FFS do you really believe that people should stop socializing once they produce kids? Its weird? I go out in the week. Book club, dinner. What the fuck is 'weird' about that? Is mental health not as important as physical health?

I see my friends or do clubs/classes on week nights. Weekends are for couples and family things. You are normal.

DH needs more practice. Go out more.

No. He does nothing, but my more pressing issue is the fact he doesn’t like me going out so much.

That's because you being out requires him to contribute to parenting, and he really can't be arsed. It would interesting to see how many hours you both spend out - I suspect his would be the far greater number

He is being absolutely ridiculous. An active social is very healthy and you should 'want to'.

Not only is he lazy and incapable as a father, he also is not respectful of your desires in life and is trying to control you. It's fine for him to do whatever the fuck he wants but not you. He should be encouraging you to go out and have a good time. You don't even go out a lot in my opinion.

No. He does nothing, but my more pressing issue is the fact he doesn’t like me going out so much

Let me see if I understood the situation correctly: he does nothing around the house, wouldn't stay with two kids awake at the same time on his own and doesn't do bedtimes. He also plays golf every Saturday, when he is largely unavailable all day while you stay with two kids, who are presumably both awake at the same time. Then come evening you are the one, who has to put them to bed because he wouldn't do it? On top of that, cleaning, ironing and other chores are likely on you too because he does nothing around the house. Come spring, he plays twice per week, when he goes straight after work and doesn't get back till 9 pm when the kids are presumably already in bed, tucked away by you, and he gets the rest of the evening to relax in front of TV doing nothing again. Up until then, you presumably would have had to feed the kids and look after them while they are both awake at the same time? On top of that, he goes out to hang out with his mates 3-4 times per year, when they get to drink and these outings render him useless for the whole of next day. During that time, I assume you, again, look after the kids, who are both awake at the same time, cook, clean and do everything else?

If my understanding of the situation is correct, does it look reasonable to you from my summary?

Why the hell can your husband not manage a 3yr old and an 11yr old on his own?!! I would start going earlier if I were you OP, to get your useless husband used to it just incase, God forbid, something should ever happen to you where you really can't be there to do the bedtime routine.

What a pathetic manchild. Why do so many women put up with this shit? A grown man who won’t put his own child to bed?!

Of course you should be able to have a social life.

Do you work outside of the home @Butterbear86? Your DH presumably interacts with others at work and also with all that golf. Do you get a similar amount of adult socialisation to him or just your nights out?

He is in my opinion completely out of line with the amount of family time he dedicates to his hobby and refusal to ever do bedtime.

That's because you being out requires him to contribute to parenting

What exactly is he required to contribute to parenting when OP goes out when both kids are in bed because HE wouldn't have both kids awake at the same time and doesn't do bedtimes? If sitting in front of TV while the kids are asleep just in case the house set itself on fire and he had to wake them up and get them out is a contribution to parenting, then I suppose he does! Being hacked off about this type of contribution, however, makes him a hell of an unreasonable sh**

As others have posted: your problem isn’t to do with how much you do or don’t go out in the evening it’s to do with the fact your husband is controlling and lazy and doesn’t pull his weight.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents having time to themselves without their children as long as the children are being adequately cared for.

Your husband needs to step up or ship out.

Can’t?
That’s simply bollocks.
He can manage a three year old’s bedtime. He’s a bloody father. It’s part of the job. FFS.

I’m a sahm, although I do some volunteering when dc2 is at nursery with a view to going back to work in September.

Butterbear- there is so much wrong with this and it’s not you! Your going out is a total red herring:

• you can’t go out Overnight?! So no weekends off for you then!

-he won’t do bedtime- WTF?

• he’s out all day every Saturday?’
• he’s daring to complain about you.

Unbelievable.

What happened when you gave birth to second child

Was it a home birth so you could put 8 / 9 year old to bed after or were the grandparents drafted in ?

Yes tigger that’s about it.

bigchris he moved into his mum’s til I came out of hospital.

You need to start going out earlier and let him get used to caring for his children - because you'll be leaving him in charge next time he has an all-day hangover.
Or just point out that he needs the practice for when you leave him and he has them every other weekend.

YANBU to go out. You deserve a break.

You have a more pressing issue here, and that's a useless DH. Presumably the 11 year old is capable of getting herself to bed independently so why is it "too much" for him? He's a lazy arse.

Tot up how many hours each of you has away from the family over the year.

Sorry, I don't know why I put "her" as you didn't specify gender.

He’s says it isn’t fair to leave dc1 by themselves downstairs if he’s sorting out dc2 for bed. Whereas if I sort out dc2 he can stay with dc1 (watching tv).
However that’s what I do plenty of evenings, it’s just how it is. It’s only half an hour.

An 11 year old can’t cope on their own downstairs whilst a parent is upstairs putting a sibling to bed? Really? Why?