To go out in the evening so much?

[Butterbear86]

I tend to go out once a week with friends for a meal / drink. Sometimes it might be twice in one week but nothing the next - it depends when people are free. It averages to once a week, certainly no more than three times in a fortnight. I don’t go until after dc2 is in bed as dh wont have both children awake on his own, and he won’t do bedtime. The older one goes on his own. So I don’t go out until about 8pm and I’m back by 11pm. I have a six very close friends - but none of them are friends, I know them from all different places which is why we end up meeting separately.
Dh rarely goes out with friends, maybe only three / four times a year, but he is usually out the whole night and ends up stopping at one of their houses and is in bed hungover the whole of the next day. However he golfs every single Saturday, 9am and isn’t back til after 5pm as he goes to the clubhouse afterwards and from May to September he plays two evenings a week. He says it’s different because he’s back by 9pm but he goes straight from work and then both children are in bed when he gets back so he doesn’t see either of them those days.
He says I go out too much and I shouldn’t want to. The thing is - if I stay in it’s only sitting in front of the tv anyway or me doing housework / ironing whilst he sits in front of the tv.
Aibu to go out so much? I didn’t go out at all last week in the evening but I’m meant to be going out tomorrow evening and I’ve asked him if I can go next Saturday too which is why he’s not very happy.

They don’t shout for me. Once asleep they stay asleep. And if I try to get dc2 to bed earlier than normal they say they aren’t tired and cry and dh says it’s my fault they have to go to bed because I’m going out.

I think you should be able to go out as much as you want (within reason of course) but I don’t think he is being a big fair to you, you are not falling in the door at all hours and he also should be able to sort the kids for you you shouldn’t have to settle them before you go out!

The issue here is not "am I being unreasonable?" Because you already know you're not.

You also know he is not the father he should be or the husband you would like him to be: he doesn't make you or the children feel loved or valued and unless you are enjoying substantial life/financial benefits and couldn't care less if he's around or not no one could realistically be satisfied with your current set up.

You have a master and servant arrangement and SAHM or not this arrangement is not healthy, pleasant or necessary.

You married him so you must have had an inkling as to what both your preferences were re: marriage and children? This leads me to believe you discussed this and agreed to this arrangement so some of this is on you.

Your post baffles me TBH. What is it you actually hope to gain from your question to us?

I've never met him and I think he's deplorable but putting this bluntly: your lifestyle is a choice. YOUR choice. You don't have to live like this but you choose to.

Why?

Whilst you think about that just remember that you are married not in prison and despite what @StormyClouds would have you believe marriage and being a SAHM is NOT a job: you are not being paid and even employees are entitled to A/L, sick days and downtime.

I don't feel sorry for you. Like I said, this is your choice but I do feel sorry for your children living in an emotionally devoid/abusive household.

If you are remaining in this relationship then I suggest you get a back bone and stand your ground. I also recommend that you sit him down and tell him not only will you not be giving up your nights out but you when you go back to work the household duties will be split more equally and it's not up for negotiation.

At least have some dignity.

Are you planning to leave him?

Does he do anything with the children?

"I also find that when I’m trying to get dc2 to bed he will then come upstairs and make noise which prolongs the going to sleep process."

This is controlling behaviour to try and stop you going out at all.

Oh op so he’s just nasty through and through and a shit dad. Have you thought about leaving?

Do not stop going out. In fact, I think you should go out more. If he’s out all day Saturday then you get all day Sunday. Fairs fair.

He's controlling and manipulative . Read him the riot act .

You go out, on average, once a week. I don't think that is at all unreasonable especially as you make sure children's bedtimes, etc, are done before you leave. Your husband has his own interests which he pursues.

What's the problem?

But why have you accepted this and continue to accept it?

• Why will you do all the housework and childcare when you are at work?
• Why has he never changed a nappy??

And will the DC really really genuinely care that their absent Dad who treats them as a burden or a nuisance is no longer in their life. I rather suspect not.

If you told your DH to shape up or you would leave him would he just be ‘upset’ or would he actually change his ways? The answer to that will tell you how much he values YOU and your children. (Current answer: very little).

"I also find that when I’m trying to get dc2 to bed he will then come upstairs and make noise which prolongs the going to sleep process"

Knock that on the head straight away - just tell him.

Why don’t your fiends like him?

Friends*

You don't sound very compatible.

DH and I used to golf a bit pre kids. Only obsessives play in the evenings. We both stopped mostly while DC are tiny as the time commitment means it's not suitable. We'll take it back up when the kids are old enough to start learning and we can go as a family.

Your DH needs a serious wake up call about doing zero parenting etc. But i find it odd that you don't seem to want to socialise with each other.

You do realise @Butterbear86 that this is abuse?

This is controlling behaviour for instance:

You can only go once the DC are in bed.
You CANNOT stay out overnight.
You spend entire (or some) weekends with the DC, whilst he goes to pursue his golf interests (and more so in the summer months).
He purposely sabotages you going out, by trying to disrupt bedtime.
He tells you that you go out too much but this does not apply to him.
You rarely go out together
You are there to facilitate HIS life and anything that interferes with it/he is forced to parent he does not like.

What do you actually get out of this relationship?

You only have one life, live it to your best. Leave him, as you are essentially a single parent anyway.

@Butterbear I hope reading the responses on the thread have given you some clarity. Your husband is abusive and very selfish, do you have family who have pointed this out?
@StormyClouds you seriously need to leave the cult you are in as you sound seriously brainwashed.

@Nomel

Her friends don't like him because they can see him for the lazy abusive prick he is, and how appallingly he has treated their friend for years.

I had a friend that had a selfish husband....not even a fraction of what the OP puts up with and I couldn't stand him. Nor could her other friends.

My husband and her other friends husbands, ceased to socialise with him because they knew he was a selfish prick at home.

Some people don't want to be around this type of behaviour.

OP, he's an abusive horror.

Deliberately being noisy to prevent you leaving.

I hope you can find the strength to change ge your situation.

This is one post where leave the bastard is totally appropriate.

He is abusive to you and neglectful to his children.

He is self and controlling.

He is setting a crap example for your kids. They and you would be far better off if you did not live together.

See a lawyer and leave this jerk. Find someone who loves you and does not abuse you. Protect yourself and your children from this selfish controlling man baby.

In the kindest way possible OP please stop being a doormat. I tolerated crap like this for 5 years until I found my self respect. I thought I couldnt raise my children slome. I honestly thought I couldn't. Whixhnis just laughable. I was already looking after them alone, along with the pathetic man-child i was looking after. I'm trying to teach my children about self respect and that women are just as important as men. Being single is the best decision i have ever made. You can do it, I promise.

You "asked" him does he ask you every time he goes to play golf for the whole day?
No Yanbu not at all he has not got a leg to stand on! And what is all that nonsense about not doing bedtime? That is what you should be discussing!

He's totally pointless, isn't he? Do you love him? What do the dc get from him? What a selfish cock!

So you get 156 hours a year and he has 8 hours every Saturday plus 2 evenings per week may-Sept and 4 all night benders where he stays out all night - so around 688 hours a year, tell him to stfu or you will be looking to up to 688 hours from your current 156 hours.

Just read the beginning and end of this. OP, presumably now neither of you can go out at all..how is that going? How is the lockdown affecting your situation? Hope you are staying safe.

Was just reading this thinking "where the heck are you going out in an evening so much, nowt's open anyway nowadays"
Then realised it was the beginning of last month.
Seems like a lifetime away everything was open lol
Sorry, as you were, shouts zombieeee and runs away and all that