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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go out in the evening so much?

300 replies

Butterbear86 · 01/03/2020 12:47

I tend to go out once a week with friends for a meal / drink. Sometimes it might be twice in one week but nothing the next - it depends when people are free. It averages to once a week, certainly no more than three times in a fortnight. I don’t go until after dc2 is in bed as dh wont have both children awake on his own, and he won’t do bedtime. The older one goes on his own. So I don’t go out until about 8pm and I’m back by 11pm. I have a six very close friends - but none of them are friends, I know them from all different places which is why we end up meeting separately.
Dh rarely goes out with friends, maybe only three / four times a year, but he is usually out the whole night and ends up stopping at one of their houses and is in bed hungover the whole of the next day. However he golfs every single Saturday, 9am and isn’t back til after 5pm as he goes to the clubhouse afterwards and from May to September he plays two evenings a week. He says it’s different because he’s back by 9pm but he goes straight from work and then both children are in bed when he gets back so he doesn’t see either of them those days.
He says I go out too much and I shouldn’t want to. The thing is - if I stay in it’s only sitting in front of the tv anyway or me doing housework / ironing whilst he sits in front of the tv.
Aibu to go out so much? I didn’t go out at all last week in the evening but I’m meant to be going out tomorrow evening and I’ve asked him if I can go next Saturday too which is why he’s not very happy.

OP posts:
BrownAjah · 01/03/2020 14:15

Why are you still with him OP?

Butterbear86 · 01/03/2020 14:15

puds the children 😂
Also dh would be so upset.

OP posts:
PleaseSeeMeNow · 01/03/2020 14:16

What does he bring to your life?

Or are you staying with him because you know if you left he would make zero effort to see the children?

TheDailyCarbuncle · 01/03/2020 14:17

Why do you care about him being upset? He doesn't seem to care about you at all.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/03/2020 14:18

He’s not totally pointless. Without him, it’s unlikely she’d be able to live where she does and have the luxury of being a SAHM.

Returning to work sounds like a priority. He’s a useless controlling hypocritical prick.

billy1966 · 01/03/2020 14:18

Your husband is a horror of a husband and father.

I hope your contraception is sorted OP.....not that I would want such a pig within a hundred yards of me.

Get back to work as soon as you can.

He wants you at home because he doesn't care about you or your children.

I wouldn't put up with my children being treated as "housework" by the their father.

He's a selfish pig.
Flowers

AryaStarkWolf · 01/03/2020 14:19

Sorry but why are you with this guy, does he have any redeeming qualities?

puds11 · 01/03/2020 14:19

@Butterbear86 🤣 ah shucks!

Are you not fed up of him? You deserve better.

Dozer · 01/03/2020 14:20

Of course he’d be upset: he would no longer be facilitated.

You and the DC, on the other hand, would probably be much happier.

This is a shit example to set your elder DC. (Both of them, but eldest has had 11 years of this role modelling).

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 01/03/2020 14:21

So you're being unreasonable having 4 hours every week out of the house by himself, in an evening when he will have ti deal with one child for a couple of hours, but he's completely reasonable going out for half the entire weekend leaving you to manage both kids the entire day? How can he not see the gross hypocrisy?

I'd keep your support network of friends, you might need them one day

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/03/2020 14:23

OP, the children will be far more damaged by a disinterested father than they will by a divorce. I'm speaking from experience.

And who cares if it upsets him, he should be a better partner and father then.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/03/2020 14:25

Personally I think it's weird to go out during the school week socialising when you have 2 children,

Oh, for crying out loud. How many children is the appropriate number for making weekday nights out acceptable????? Hmm

EmeraldShamrock · 01/03/2020 14:29

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3835769-DH-hates-it-when-I-go-out A similar thread OP. It may help you to see it from another woman's view to help you detangle your feelings on it.

HollowTalk · 01/03/2020 14:29

My friends don’t like him and I don’t like his friends.

That says such a lot.

Is he really saying that he can't put an 11 year old and a 3 year old to bed? That's absolutely pathetic. I thought you had quads under six months when you said he couldn't put his own kids to bed.

So you are meant to stay in and just watch him watch television?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/03/2020 14:30

Since he's so keen on it, why not try a month of no one going out? No golf for him, no nights out for you. Maybe with some tedious home improvement chores that need to be done. I would be very interested what his justification for him still getting golf and you not getting to go out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/03/2020 14:30

So you are meant to stay in and just watch him watch television?

And remember; his programs, not hers.

Caterina99 · 01/03/2020 14:32

My kids are 2 and 4 and I’m a sahm. I probably go out with friends once a week on average. DH does a hobby once a week on a weeknight and he’s not home at all til late that evening.

DH is perfectly capable of putting both kids to bed. He probably doesn’t love it (neither do I, I prefer it when we share it as it’s easier) but he’s never once complained. Our 4 year old watches tv by himself while we’re dealing with the toddler, and has for a while. I’d expect an 11 year old to be self sufficient! Most of my friends have similar age kids and their DHs also manage bedtime no problem.

Your DH is an arse!

bigdecisionstomake · 01/03/2020 14:32

So, to cut a long story short, it is perfectly acceptable for you to manage bedtime alone 2 nights a week while he golfs after work but not acceptable for him to do the same while you go out.

Double standards in marriages never work - in the end it will wear you down into total resentment.

To answer your AIBU it is fine for you to go out 1-2 nights a week - as he is already doing - don't be distracted by arguments about what time you each respectively get home. His behaviour is controlling and will only get worse if you don't nip it in the bud now.

You say he would be upset if you split up - perhaps explain to him that these double standards will lead to that eventually if he can't see how selfish his behaviour is.

SueEllenMishke · 01/03/2020 14:33

He's a poor husband and shit dad.
He just wants you at home as a live in housekeeper.

OhamIreally · 01/03/2020 14:34

@MrsTerryPratchett his justification will be that he "works" and she "doesn't work".
OP I think your husband considers you merely as a domestic appliance. That's why he thinks you shouldn't want to go out- he thinks you have a malfunction.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/03/2020 14:35

@Butterbear86 I don't know how old you are but my stab in the dark estimates somewhere between mid 30s and mid 40s. All other things being equal, you can expect to live to be around 83. So that's another 40 to 50 years to be putting up with this shit Shock

You sound really nice. Your posts come across as reasonable and balanced. You deserve so much better. Honestly Blush

AutumnRose1 · 01/03/2020 14:36

“ OP I think your husband considers you merely as a domestic appliance. That's why he thinks you shouldn't want to go out- he thinks you have a malfunction.”

This. If you go, he’ll get a new one.

It would make more sense to break up for the sake of the children.

Frankola · 01/03/2020 14:37

You sound like my friend and her husband.

She comes out once a month maybe and she drives. Every single time. She says its because she lives in an inconvenient location but that's bollocks.

It's actually because her husband insists on her driving and being sober in case their 1 year old gets up in the night. Shes the one that must go to him.

He cannot do bedtime by himself apparently either. And every time he has his son on his own he takes him to his mothers house.

However, when he goes out, pretty much every weekend, he gets steaming drunk and sleeps on the sofa - " so he doesnt wake the baby". He doesnt ever go to look after his son if he wakes in the night.

I love her dearly but shes a mug with an emotionally abusive husband.

Sounding familiar?

Raindancer411 · 01/03/2020 14:37

I would put down the hours he is out and the hours you are out and show him now who is being unfair. Your 3 hours one night compared to his 8hrs on a Saturday. Maybe a chart would be more blatant

SueEllenMishke · 01/03/2020 14:38

nogodsnomasters why is it weird to socialise during the week when you have children?

What a bizarre comment.