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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go out in the evening so much?

300 replies

Butterbear86 · 01/03/2020 12:47

I tend to go out once a week with friends for a meal / drink. Sometimes it might be twice in one week but nothing the next - it depends when people are free. It averages to once a week, certainly no more than three times in a fortnight. I don’t go until after dc2 is in bed as dh wont have both children awake on his own, and he won’t do bedtime. The older one goes on his own. So I don’t go out until about 8pm and I’m back by 11pm. I have a six very close friends - but none of them are friends, I know them from all different places which is why we end up meeting separately.
Dh rarely goes out with friends, maybe only three / four times a year, but he is usually out the whole night and ends up stopping at one of their houses and is in bed hungover the whole of the next day. However he golfs every single Saturday, 9am and isn’t back til after 5pm as he goes to the clubhouse afterwards and from May to September he plays two evenings a week. He says it’s different because he’s back by 9pm but he goes straight from work and then both children are in bed when he gets back so he doesn’t see either of them those days.
He says I go out too much and I shouldn’t want to. The thing is - if I stay in it’s only sitting in front of the tv anyway or me doing housework / ironing whilst he sits in front of the tv.
Aibu to go out so much? I didn’t go out at all last week in the evening but I’m meant to be going out tomorrow evening and I’ve asked him if I can go next Saturday too which is why he’s not very happy.

OP posts:
BrimfulofSasha · 01/03/2020 13:53

play him at his own game. start up a hobby two nights a week with your friends..that must adhere to his rules right?

he sounds like a nob

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 01/03/2020 13:54

Yanbu at all. AT ALL.

He spends one weekend entire DAY every week away from his kids?! Ridiculous.

Butterbear86 · 01/03/2020 13:55

Yes, he always has. He goes early and is gone the entire day. We never factor him into our weekend plans

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 01/03/2020 13:55

What an inadequate person he has chosen to be.

No, you're not going out too often. If he would like you to stay home more at night, perhaps he could skip his Saturday hobby so you can socialize then. If he would prefer to have that time, then you can take yours of an evening.

I find learned helplessness very unattractive. I find voluntary disconnect from one's children, particularly at the expense of a partner's independence, to be actively repellent. And decamping to his mother's house because he can't deal with an eight-year-old of an evening? Fundamentally inadequate.

I'm sure he's lovely in many ways, but this is strategic incompetence, which is manipulative and gross.

OvalCanvas · 01/03/2020 13:56

He'd have to find a way to parent them both (and also play less golf) if you split up.

Exh didn't learn how to manage until he was on his own eow.

HillAreas · 01/03/2020 13:56

What is the point of this dude? ✊🏻💦

cobwebfew · 01/03/2020 13:57

You can and should go out overnight! Plan something with your friends! Force your DH to take charge of his own kids, he can look after them both, he chooses not to because he sounds absolutely useless!!!

Dozer · 01/03/2020 13:58

Not surprised your friends dislike him.

If / when you get a paid job, this is the type of man who will still expect you to cover everything with the DC and at home, to facilitate him to be a parent (doing minimal parenting) and work as though he had no DC.

Far better to be a single parent than to live with a man like this IMO.

CatteStreet · 01/03/2020 14:01

Why on earth do you seem to be finding most of this acceptable? Going out (which you do not do to excess, especially considering his golf!) is the least of your problems.

It. Is. Not. Acceptable for a father to refuse to look after his own children together, refuse to do bedtime, refuse to hold the fort while his wife goes away overnight. And it's really, really not normal either, not these days.

How much longer do you intend to put up with this?

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 01/03/2020 14:03

If he had to work at the weekend, that would be different

EmeraldShamrock · 01/03/2020 14:03

You think your H thinks of your DC as “housework Housework and DC come under taking responsibility as an adult for your surroundings. How many women work fulltime with DC come home after work eat, shower, watch tv chilling. Very few.
I don't mind the odd night but DP would be thinking again if he thought I would put up with it every evening. He probably would if I let him.

CatteStreet · 01/03/2020 14:04

'I find learned helplessness very unattractive. I find voluntary disconnect from one's children, particularly at the expense of a partner's independence, to be actively repellent. And decamping to his mother's house because he can't deal with an eight-year-old of an evening? Fundamentally inadequate.'

Perfectly put by nancydrawn.

Your eldest is a boy? And he's 11? He's already learned all sorts of catastrophic lessons about being a man from his father. Time to try and turn that around.

puds11 · 01/03/2020 14:04

As previously stated succinctly up thread, your husband is a wanker.

I have an 11 yo and a baby. My husband copes just fine with them on his own. The 11 yo is also capable of being on their own without spontaneously combusting. He’s a lazy arse is the problem really.

Also imo the golfing is worse as that eats into time that could be spent as a family with an awake 3 yo to look after where he just has to sit downstairs on an evening and do nothing.

The fact your friends don’t like him should really have given you a clue...

AutumnRose1 · 01/03/2020 14:05

He’s a total arse

Don’t neglect your friends, they’ll stand by you more than he will. I hope you don’t have any health issues but I can already imagine, in the event of emergency, they’ll be the ones helping you and the DC, not him.

AutumnRose1 · 01/03/2020 14:06

Moved into his mothers when you had the second

Just 😱😱😱

keeponandonandon · 01/03/2020 14:08

DC1 is 11 years old - I'm sure he/she does not need supervision. You have a big problem with your DH, he needs to grow up and get a grip.

OpportunityKnocks · 01/03/2020 14:09

Of course yanbu. Even if he didn't go out golfing ever, you really aren't going out that much.

Butterbear86 · 01/03/2020 14:09

Oh yes, for sure when I go back to work I will still have to do everything. No two ways about it, that’s what I was like when I did work.

OP posts:
NothingIsWrong · 01/03/2020 14:10

Bloody hell he's pathetic. I have three children, and I'm off to Istanbul on Friday for 3 nights with a friend to celebrate our joint birthday. DH will have to deal with the kids all weekend and he's absolutely fine with it.

Butterbear86 · 01/03/2020 14:11

I can’t imagine just saying - oh im going away for the night.
I’ve said no to quite a few things, my friends offered to pay for a night away for my birthday this year but I know it’ll cause so many problems it’s not worth it.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/03/2020 14:12

Why do you put. Up with this? Even watching the programs he likes... because none of your needs or wants are important and all of his are.

He sounds dreadful.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 01/03/2020 14:13

Time to get rid of him. He's totally pointless.

AutumnRose1 · 01/03/2020 14:14

OP “ Oh yes, for sure when I go back to work I will still have to do everything. No two ways about it, that’s what I was like when I did work.”

Well, you chose him. Unless you ditch him, what advice can we offer? 🤷🏻‍♀️

FenellaVelour · 01/03/2020 14:14

Your husband is awful.

puds11 · 01/03/2020 14:14

Why are you still with him? Don’t say the children 🤦‍♀️