To go out in the evening so much?

[Butterbear86]

I tend to go out once a week with friends for a meal / drink. Sometimes it might be twice in one week but nothing the next - it depends when people are free. It averages to once a week, certainly no more than three times in a fortnight. I don’t go until after dc2 is in bed as dh wont have both children awake on his own, and he won’t do bedtime. The older one goes on his own. So I don’t go out until about 8pm and I’m back by 11pm. I have a six very close friends - but none of them are friends, I know them from all different places which is why we end up meeting separately.
Dh rarely goes out with friends, maybe only three / four times a year, but he is usually out the whole night and ends up stopping at one of their houses and is in bed hungover the whole of the next day. However he golfs every single Saturday, 9am and isn’t back til after 5pm as he goes to the clubhouse afterwards and from May to September he plays two evenings a week. He says it’s different because he’s back by 9pm but he goes straight from work and then both children are in bed when he gets back so he doesn’t see either of them those days.
He says I go out too much and I shouldn’t want to. The thing is - if I stay in it’s only sitting in front of the tv anyway or me doing housework / ironing whilst he sits in front of the tv.
Aibu to go out so much? I didn’t go out at all last week in the evening but I’m meant to be going out tomorrow evening and I’ve asked him if I can go next Saturday too which is why he’s not very happy.

He is a shit parent if he won’t care for both DC alone. Don’t put up with that. Go out earlier.

So he gets a full day a week plus two evenings some months, for golf. Your share of leisure time sounds less unless you get some during weekdays (eg DC2 pre school).

Three hours a week between 8 and 11 isn't exactly setting the town alight, is it?! If the kids are in bed it makes jack-all difference to him anyway.

Also: Personally I think it's weird to go out during the school week socialising when you have 2 children ODFOD.

Tell him you’ll quit your nights out but in return he has to quit his overnight stays out, his golf and his hours in the clubhouse.
He sounds like a shit dad if he can’t even deal with putting his own children to bed.

What does he think would happen to his children if you were hospitalised, died or ran away from home? Grrrr, men pretending they can’t deal with their own children just boil my piss!
Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to put your manchild in the right track. He is not incapable, he’s acting like a brat.

My husband was a widow with two children when we met. He didn’t have the option to say “I can’t” (although he did have a lot of shirts because he would rather buy a new one than iron a clean one! )

Its ludicrous that you’ve put up with this... I can’t believe it. He won’t parent his own children. He moved out when you couldn’t do it, so someone else could. Do you not find that stunning?

I’d be so embarrassed by him.

He would have no choice if you were hospitalised for a few nights.
If he cares for his DC he needs to be use to putting the little one to bed.
If you died tomorrow imagine the trauma, if he had to learn on the hop with grieving DC. He sounds like a dick. I see a few reasons LTB in your posts, but if you're going to stay together big change is needed.

Dc2 goes to preschool nine hours a week, 6 hours of that I use for volunteering in the hope of finding a proper job now I have some current experience and a reference.
The other three hours goes on housework. It isn’t really nine hours anyway by the time I’ve taken and fetched. More like 7.5.

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. You are entitled to go out and have a life outside marriage abs children.

Your husband needs to learn how to parent his own children.

And of course an 11-year-old can entertain themselves downstairs while he does bedtime!

I'm sick of reading about men who are incapable of putting their own children to bed. It's ridiculous. My DD is 1 and DH is perfectly capable of not only putting her to bed but looking after her for a whole weekend, should I want to go away (which I'm doing later this year).

Sweetheart, I...
Um, no - you don’t go out too much at all. Good for you that you maintain your friendships.
Would you like your husband to do more? Are you happy with the childcare/household chores split?
What would be your ideal situation?

I'm sorry OP, I couldnt be attracted to a man like that and I dont know how you are.
He comes across as lazy, selfish, controlling and pathetic.

Right, so your H already has more than his fair share of leisure time.

Glad you’re job-seeking, because it’s not sensible to be a SAHM when your H has these attitudes.

I don’t mind him not doing anything round the house because I’m a sahm so it’s mt job really.
I wish he was more involved with the children but I think for him they come under the heading of ‘housework’.
It would bother me less but if I stay in every night it’s just something he wants to watch on tv, which I don’t even want to watch and I end up reading or doing stuff I find tricky to get done in the day.

"dh wont have both children awake on his own, and he won’t do bedtime"

Has he time-travelled from the 1950s to say that. Pathetic.

I think the only suitable response is to start going to the gym/yoga/weird hobby two nights a week and double your social engagements.

It's absolutely ridiculous that he can't cope with two children alone of these ages! He needs to step up! And to answer your question, no, you are definitely not being unreasonable to go out that much!

Just had to google ODFOD.
Hahahahaha, yes.

Your husband is a wanker.

Your problem begins and ends with a husband who refuses to parent his own kids. That's it.

I'm also a SAHM (DC 11, 9 & 6), volunteering like you, and my social life is no issue at all. My DH actually prioritises my nights out over his own because he's out a lot more than me (work drinks etc) so if there's a clash, I always get first refusal. He deals with all 3 on his own without issue.

YANBU - but you need to deal with your disgrace of a husband!

He's in the wrong, but do you ever go out together? Alone or with friends?

You think your H thinks of your DC as “housework”? Why do you want to stay married to him?

Wow. A man who has children but cannot 'manage both of them'. What a terrible father.

I wish he was more involved with the children but I think for him they come under the heading of ‘housework’.

That is heartbreaking.

Don't underestimate the emotional damage this is doing to your children.

I can only imagine it being easier with an 11yo practically self sufficient
YANBU
But he is!

A classic case of 'do as I say, not as I do' with regards to your dh comments and behaviour

The problem is you don't go out enough. He needs to be told he has to manage bedtime. What if you couldn't manage it on your own either? He'd never be going out.

We very rarely go out the two of us.
My friends don’t like him and I don’t like his friends.