To think consistent lateness is pretty rude ?

[Username109876]

Every time I arrange to meet with friends, "sorry might be a bit late" virtually every time. Ok it's not hours, but at least 10-20 minutes.
I have only been late for work once in several years because my alarm didn't go off, otherwise I am always on time.

Same with meeting friends, if we arrange a time, I get there for that time.

It's just very annoying and it feels like they don't respect your time. At work my employers know I am reliable, but with friends it feels like they just take it for granted.

Anyone else feel this way ? I know sometimes things can come up, but when it's virtually majority of the time that's different.

So if you were told that a £10,000 winning lottery ticket would be on your restaurant table with your name on it at 7pm sharp - and removed at 7.05, no excuses accepted - do you think you'd manage to get there?

Honestly, no, knowing me I couldn’t guarantee I would.

I guess the difference is I don't see anything rude about being late per se

Of course it's rude. You're basically saying you can't be arsed to organise yourself properly in order to turn up on time!

Lots of the scenarios posted about here are incredibly rude, but it's not the lateness itself that makes them rude. Not texting/calling about lateness is rude. Choosing to cook bacon and saying "I'm sure they'll wait" is rude. Getting in the shower and leaving your friend sitting in their car outside the door is rude. No one is denying that! But I don't think it's fair to say "I don't care about the circumstances, if I can always be on time so can everyone else therefore being late is always rude"

@adaline if I had a friend that spoke to me about my lateness and I explained all of the things that I have explained here and there response was "so you can't be arsed to organise yourself then" then I probably wouldn't want to carry on a friendship with them either I guess!

*their 🙈

@Girlinglasses if someone was genuinely diagnosed with an illness that meant they struggled with timekeeping, such as ADHD, then that's a whole different ball-game and not the same as someone who is just late for no real reason.

I just don't understand how it's acceptable. I mean, in all the jobs I've ever had, persistent lateness would result in you losing your job.

I was raised to be on-time. If that meant arriving early and mooching around in a local shop or grabbing a table and ordering coffee while I waited, then that's what I did. I just think being late says "my time is more important than yours - I don't want to put the effort in to make sure I'm on time, so I'll just leave you to wait".

Even if you send a text, you're still leaving the other person to wait around for you. People who are on time also have to make the effort to get there.

As a pathologically late person the reason I’m late is because I have ASD and I’m overwhelmingly anxious about having to wait alone in a bar/restaurant for someone and being judged for being weird (which I already feel). It’s nothing to do with not respecting the other persons time because believe me I am already unspeakably grateful for them hanging out with me in the first place!

The thought of being late gives me anxiety. I have 1 friend who is late for things. She's pretty unapologetic about it too and wouldn't give a toss if you called her out on it.

But life is full of things happening. They don't just happen to you. You allow for things happening if they're things that are very likely to happen eg traffic/transport delays. And then if unusual things happen eg you're run over in the street/victim of an attack by killer seagulls, people will be more inclined to believe you. If your whole life is a crisis, you need to sort yourself out.
I have a friend like you, consistently late, then the first half hour is a stressed-out monologue about the perfectly normal things that conspired to make her late. And she wonders why I hardly ever agree to meet.

Yanbu.i fucking hate late people.They are saying that their time is more important than yours.

I guess the difference is I don't see anything rude about being late per se

Perhaps I look at this too simply.... why can't you pick a time to arrange to meet a friend when you know you can be on time? So ... 10am is cutting it too tight to be there on time for.... make it 10.30am then. Fix when suits you and when you can be on time (forgetting traffic jams, trains late etc)

I've got a friend who could well be late, and has been in the past, we do things differently. When arranging to meet and I suggest a time, I say... how does that work for you, is that too early, do you want to make it later, you know what you're like! She then says yes... OK, let's make it 10.30am instead and I know I'll be ready.

I chronically run late. The only thing I can do to mitigate against it is leave in plenty of time but it does mean that sometimes I loose hours of my day. For example, I aim to leave 15 minutes earlier for the early train to work than I really need to. Some days I am waiting around for nearly an hour for trains/before work, other days I get there just in time. For airplanes I always give myself an extra four hours, because of the way that transport infrastructure is in the U.K. that’s pretty much essential for everyone though. Meeting friends I always give a window (e.g. between 1 and 2 or after 11:30 etc) so that that way we aren’t under too much pressure but expecting whoever it is that’s coming. Even with all the extra measures that I take I am often late. It’s a combination of terrible infrastructure and an inability to keep track of time. Usually the former though - there is nothing that I can do when trains are regularly running late or cancelled and motorways are packed resulting in frequent accidents beyond leaving really really early but obviously I may then be left hanging around for a couple of hours which I don’t want to do either.

@adaline I agree with you that there are of course lots of scenarios where being late is rude, and some people I'm sure just don't value other people's time. However, in my experience, some people with naturally good time keeping don't discriminate, and don't attempt to find out if the lateness is "acceptable" and hold the blanket opinion that if they know someone who is regularly 10 mins late, it's because that person is rude. Incidentally, particularly in adult women, there is loads of undiagnosed ADHD.

For me for example, I have managed to get into a good routine where I am not late for work. The amount of effort and energy and stress that goes into my daily organisation and punctuality for work is exhausting, and when I am meeting a friend for coffee and I know they are the type of friend that will make lots of passive aggressive little comments if I turn up even 5 minutes late, and make it very clear to me that they think I am rude, then yes- I will put in far greater efforts to make sure I am on time. But it's exhausting, which makes meeting up with that person another duty akin to a work meeting, and it makes what could be a lovely afternoon meeting up for coffee with a friend into something that is yet another source of stress. And yes, I will still arrange to meet them because I know that it is "my own fault" and "other people can be on time so why can't I", but it's not fun and it's not enjoyable!
And for the record, I have never been diagnosed with anything.

I've heard that optimists tend run late and pessimists tend to be early.

Optimists don't factor in anything unforeseen when planning their time while pessimists plan for delays.

I once waited half an hour in a pub for a friend. She walked in with some others as I left and was offended when I said I wasn't staying. I found it incredibly rude- no text, nothing to say she was running late, and I was stuck at a bar with a bunch of drunk rugby fans waiting for her.

I do generally find it rude to keep people waiting. 5 minutes doesn't bother me. More than 10 does.

I am often a bit late - sometimes hugely early and not in frequently in the wrong place on the wrong day. Have been to birthday parties the day before, gone to work on a pre booked holiday and taken the kids in on training days. I have been late for planes! I am the biggest nuisance for myself. I put things down and lose them, keys vanish, roads turn out to go somewhere different to where I thought and I relentlessly misread my diary or input appointments to the wrong date. I probably work harder than most organised people to be this shit! I drive past motorway exits, forget where u parked the car, mislay my payment cards and forget the important thing I had to take with me all the time... it slows me down.

Yes I have been trying not to do these things. Actually I am better than I used to be but still pretty shit. Fortunately my friends know I am not an arse swanning around applying lippy whilst they wait for me and as grown ups who like each other we are all able to manage without any problems. I do have strengths too!

I do find it rude though and always update and apologise and never expect anyone to wait round. I would bet half the time I am just in time or a little late - sometimes it’s all gone wrong / I am super early.

Thinking it’s rude is taking it too personally. I’ll guarantee the late person hasn’t decided to be late to upset you. They just aren’t very organised, can’t find their shoes, haven’t ironed their shirt or want to shower and need to wait for the water to heat up, the babysitter was late etc. It isn’t about you.

In other words Mintjulia,it's ok if I have to hang around wondering where you are/standing in the rain/missing the start of the show/placating a restless child etc, because you wanted to shower or could choose different shoes/be organised etc? Your priorities are more important than my time.

Posters on this thread who I think are particularly rude are the ones who prioritise putting the washing on over meeting their friends on time. Or those who don't think it's rude unless their friends start to complain.

Honestly, it's rude.

I hate lateness too. It's disrespectful.

I once travelled 200 miles by train to go visit a male friend. He turned up 40 minutes late to meet me, it was completely out of order. It was apparently 'due to the tram being late' but trams run every 10 minutes.

A text if you're unexpectedly delayed for whatever reason is fine, but no, it doesn't make everything ok if you're regularly late.

Also thing it's wrong to be on time for work, appointments etc. But late for friends. If you have organisational problems etc. Surely that doesn't suddenly cure itself when it comes to your working life.

I would totally understand anyone saying that they find lateness annoying/irritating/tiresome etc.

But rude/disrespectful heavily implies that you think that anyone who is late doesn't give a shit about you/thinks their time is more important that yours/ wants to offend you and I just think that that is not necessarily the case!

I had a colleague who was consistently late for work, usually about 15 minutes. As it appeared to be a problem for her to get in on time the boss suggested she start 15 minutes later and stay later at the end.

Not surprisingly she was still 15 minutes late. When it was suggested she come in even later and make up the time she complained she didn’t want to stay that late at the end of the day.

She didn’t consider the company’s time important but hers was.

@Girlinglasses but do you not think your friends are also putting in an effort to be there on time? How do you know they're not also finding it stressful to get out of the door on time to meet you?

If you can get into a routine for work, you can do it to meet your friends. You know you wouldn't keep your job if you were consistently late, so you have to make sure you're on time. Why not apply the same thought process to meeting your friends?

I guess it frustrates me when I make a concerted effort to ensure I'm on time for everything, and then I read that other people find it stressful. Well, I find it stressful too, but that's my problem, not other people's. I value my friends and their time and don't want to leave them waiting just so I'm not stressed or exhausted.

If I arrange to meet someone at 11am, then it's my job to be there at 11am. I wouldn't be late for a job interview or a doctors appointment because it was too stressful or exhausting to be on time!

But rude/disrespectful heavily implies that you think that anyone who is late doesn't give a shit about you/thinks their time is more important that yours/ wants to offend you and I just think that that is not necessarily the case!

But it's how it feels.

When you've put in the effort to arrive on time, and your friend never appears to make the same effort, then it grates. Everyone is late occasionally - things happen and you can't plan for everything, but there is no reason to be late to every single meet-up.