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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think consistent lateness is pretty rude ?

277 replies

Username109876 · 01/03/2020 12:09

Every time I arrange to meet with friends, "sorry might be a bit late" virtually every time. Ok it's not hours, but at least 10-20 minutes.
I have only been late for work once in several years because my alarm didn't go off, otherwise I am always on time.

Same with meeting friends, if we arrange a time, I get there for that time.

It's just very annoying and it feels like they don't respect your time. At work my employers know I am reliable, but with friends it feels like they just take it for granted.

Anyone else feel this way ? I know sometimes things can come up, but when it's virtually majority of the time that's different.

OP posts:
Russellbrandshair · 02/03/2020 21:05

I find it rude. As mentioned, if you had to catch a train I’m sure people could do it when properly motivated! A once off- fine. Constantly and regularly late?- utterly selfish

Russellbrandshair · 02/03/2020 21:08

“I have anxiety and don’t like sitting waiting on my own”- this one really fucking annoys me, to be honest. How do you think the person waiting for you feels? Why don’t you care that they’re getting anxious and feeling uncomfortable and self conscious waiting for you on their own

Totally agree! It causes me anxiety to be waiting alone to show up! My mental health matters just as much as yours!!

Cacacoisfarraige · 02/03/2020 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IDoNotHaveABlackCat · 02/03/2020 21:31

I just don't have time to give late people.

I work full time, I have a family and I am studying full time.

If we arrange lunch for 12 and you turn up at 1:30 I am still going to leave at 2pm, because I have a stack of stuff to do most days.

I don't have any friends like this any more. I am sure there are lots of reasons and that is fine but it just isn't going to work out.

5-10 minutes for a relaxed arrangement, sure. More than that and I will just stop bothering.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/03/2020 22:53

Children with perpetually late parents are anxious.

Cocobean30 · 03/03/2020 00:02

@DeeCeeCherry yep you’re absolutely right. My dad would always leave things to the VERY last second, we weren’t late but were always cutting it fine, yet he would get stressed about getting us there and take it out on us even though it was his fault Grin For example we lived a 7 minute drive from the train station, so he would get us in the car and leave 8 mins before the train was due, drive to station, hastily park and run us all up to the almost departing train Angry As a result I’m always early.

I think maybe some people that are always late are extroverts who can’t fathom just getting somewhere early and reading or people watching. It’s as if they always need to be bouncing off one thing to the next with no space for internal life. (I’m not saying introverts can’t be late, just an observation from people in my life)

Cacacoisfarraige · 03/03/2020 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeeCeeCherry · 03/03/2020 00:55

My dad would always leave things to the VERY last second, we weren’t late but were always cutting it fine, yet he would get stressed about getting us there and take it out on us even though it was his fault

cocobean yes thats the type of thing I meant. Forever late, and can't even perceive that they're rushing and stressing their children. Probably make excuses.

I taught children's workshops years ago & saw this to varying degrees but what stuck in my mind was 1 little boy in particular. They'd burst through the door, late. Every single week. She'd go off, then shortly before pickup time he'd lose focus and start looking round at the door. She was ALWAYS late back, and he was last to be picked up. He'd get so anxious.

Russellbrandshair · 03/03/2020 07:29

One of the most annoying traits about adhd is consistency

I’m not referring to ADHD though, I’m referring to people who think they’ll just do everything in their time with no thought to others. Not everyone who is late has ADHD.
Not every behaviour has a legit reason- some people are just selfish

Russellbrandshair · 03/03/2020 07:31

If we arrange lunch for 12 and you turn up at 1:30 I am still going to leave at 2pm, because I have a stack of stuff to do most days
Yeah this too I’m afraid. I don’t have the luxury of being able to hang around waiting- I have too many other commitments. So really, regardless of the reason it’s not going to work for me and there’s no point in arranging to meet up

BumbleBeeFlower · 03/03/2020 07:43

My mum is always late and it drives me bloody mad. Yesterday was a prime example. Agreed to have breakfast out at 9am and she would pick me up as she has to drive past mine to get there. Got a text at 8.40am asking to delay to 9.30am. No problem. I was ready at 9.30am on the dot, house locked up, dogs put away. Waiting until 9.55am before I got fed up and drove there in my car. She rocked up about 15 minutes later. I was furious. It didn't help that I am 9 months pregnant and was bloody starving.
Her excuse is always that she is hanging out the washing and on this occasion, also waiting for my dad and brother who were out (already having breakfast on their own!) as she thought they might like to join us but she failed to communicate that to me.
It really makes my blood boil. I just cannot fathom how some people can be so late all of the time!!

Russellbrandshair · 03/03/2020 07:52

@BumbleBeeFlower
I’m afraid I would have just gone! You’re pregnant!- of course you have to eat, it’s really selfish of her to expect you to be hanging around waiting.
This is something that people forget about waiting. People often say those who are late have anxiety which is why they’re late. Yet it never occurs to them that waiting around for an hour in a cafe on your own might cause the people waiting anxiety! I find waiting alone makes me anxious. Therefore, if I’m constantly having to wait for you I’m leaving after 20 mins max. That’s it. Waiting for someone who never shows up causes me anxiety and I don’t see why my anxiety is somehow less “valid” than the anxiety or problems of the person who is perpetually late.

northernlittledonkey · 03/03/2020 07:53

My Good friend is routinely 30 mins late, it’s so annoying. I get her to suggest & agree the time in the hope that she’s on time for once. On the other hand, my mum is always half an hour early!

CSIblonde · 03/03/2020 07:57

Sometimes it's a need to feel important. I met a lot of people in the corporate world who when I was herding them off to their meetings stated that the highest status person at meetings usually arrives last or late, so they never got there early on principle (I like to be 5mins early) . I was a bit disbelieving. But after another month of back to back meetings, I actually took note who arrived last & they were spot on, it was always the highest status person.

TooGood2BeTrue · 03/03/2020 08:18

I find it very rude, too. Think it's acceptable to arrive up to 30 minutes late if you're invited to someone's house (depending on the occasion), but if you're meeting in public anything over 10-15 minutes is not ok unless there is a genuine reason. I have a friend who is regularly up to an hour late (no kids), gives me the rage!

Snog · 03/03/2020 10:15

If you care about being late surely you can master strategies to avoid this at least 90% of the time?

People who are punctual have strategies to be on time - it doesn't come naturally to anyone.

I think late people don't care about making others wait. I rarely see the friends and relatives who are always super late even though I enjoy spending time with them when I see them as it's just too frustrating to arrange to meet up.

Roussette · 03/03/2020 10:49

People who are punctual have strategies to be on time - it doesn't come naturally to anyone

Exactly.

I set my oven alarm, can be heard all over the house. I know that I have 20 minutes to leave. If necessary, I then set it again for 5 mins to departure.
I put stuff I need by the front door ready, I even get clothes out the night before so there's no faffing if time is tight.

I'm not late, unless there is an accident or the roads are flooded or closed or similar.

fivesecondrule · 03/03/2020 10:58

Yes it's rude and I can't quite work out what more irritating- the actual physical being late or the way offenders try to minimise it by making out that its a positive/ silly/ likeable attribute or the fact that they blame you for being miffed at sitting around waiting because of course... "lol you knew you were meeting me surely you knew I'd be half an hour late".

Russellbrandshair · 03/03/2020 11:08

the actual physical being late or the way offenders try to minimise it by making out that its a positive/ silly/ likeable attribute

They might think their friends think it’s quirky and adorable but I guarantee they don’t! Being late all the time isn’t funny or quirky or adorable. It’s irritating and it causes the person waiting a huge inconvenience, anxiety and it is wasting their time! They could be spending the time waiting doing things they actually want to do! Maybe their friends joke about it so as not to be rude or hurt feelings but secretly they will be eye rolling and annoyed in private. I guarantee this.

Shakermaker8 · 03/03/2020 11:18

I hate lateness. My partner does my head in with it

Snog · 03/03/2020 11:20

That's so true, I might joke about someone's lateness or make light of it with them but I actually find it extremely irritating and frustrating and not charming or quirky in any way. It pisses me off grandly.

DeeCeeCherry · 03/03/2020 11:22

People who are punctual have strategies to be on time - it doesn't come naturally to anyone

Yep. I can't stand the rush and stress of lateness. Wherever I'm going I put keys, makeup money etc in my bag either the night before or early in the morning & I hang up outfit & accessories. I get ready on time so I'm not in a rush and sweat.

I do all this as I'm not a 'naturally early' person. I manage because I'm not too lazy and slapdash to make sure I get out of the door on time. Rushing feels horrible anyway.

I'm self-employed and took on a longterm contract some years ago. Via grapevine I heard the person before me was brilliant at tasks but was always late, so was seen as unprofessional and contract wasn't renewed.

ToriaPumpkin · 03/03/2020 11:22

I loathe it. I have anxiety, fibromyalgia, hate mornings, between not being a morning person and the fibro symptoms it can take me 45 minutes to get out of bed, and I am shite at maths. I'm still on time or early for everything because being late is just awful and there are ways around it. There just are. I have alarms set on my phone for pick up times and leaving times for appointments in case I fall asleep or am caught up in doing stuff around the house/at work.

My husband is late for everything because he just can't see that it's rude and despite being highly intelligent, educated and having a background in maths and physics he just cannot estimate time and will not adjust his plan if he suddenly runs out of time. I have been known to leave without him and let him follow in his own car and explain why he was late. Yes woe betide anyone who does not work to his schedule when it's important to him. And yes, he has made us miss ferries and trains by faffing about in the past.

AutumnRose1 · 03/03/2020 11:25

Toria I could not tolerate that.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 03/03/2020 11:27

I know sometimes things can come up, but when it's virtually majority of the time that's different.

Yes, it's annoying and it's rude. However, do bear in mind that if it's virtually all the time, it might well be a symptom of a hidden (and quite possibly undiagnosed) disability such as ADHD. Nobody's time is more important than anyone else's but some people have the advantage of not living with a disabling condition.