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Original poster

How should I handle what happened last night?

176 replies

OrangesandLemons1234 · 01/03/2020 09:13

Name change for this for obvious reasons. I’m after some advice on what you would do in my situation...

My partner and I have a young DC (a good bit under one). I am the primary carer due to being on maternity leave currently. He works full time but is involved with the baby as much as he can be around it. He is very good with the baby and although found the first few months of parenthood challenging (who doesn’t) is an excellent father.

So as not to dripfeed I should also say that partner is not a big drinker. A few drinks here and there but has never had too much and no history of problems etc.

So, last night I had a day and into the evening out with friends and partner looked after the baby. This isn’t the first time he’s looked after the baby on a weekend and never any problems. I checked in a few times yesterday while out and he said all was fine.

When I got home late evening I could hear screaming/shouting. I went upstairs to find baby in the cot distressed and crying, and partner shouting/ranting (in a different room) about how fed up he was / why wouldn’t the baby shut up. As I came into the room and asked what was going on, it became clear that he was drunk. Slurring etc. He said it had been a hard day, the baby wouldn’t stop crying, he’d tried cuddles, bottle etc and was at his wits end, and admitted he’d had quite a lot to drink during the evening, one led to another etc. There was no one else in the house aside from him and baby. He was quite defensive at the time (due to being drunk) so I cared for baby and went to bed.

I feel shocked that he allowed himself to get so drunk in sole charge of the baby and also that it’s so out of character for him. I’m also a bit horrified that he had left the baby crying for clearly a long time and that he let the baby get into such a distressed state. I keep thinking what if... I hadn’t come home then, or whatever. Obviously no harm actually came and nothing like this has ever happened before, but I’m doubting what to do about it (if anything) this morning. He apologised unreservedly first thing and said he shouldn’t have got into that state, and would never do so again, so he does know it was wrong.

Would you discuss it any further with him? Would you be worried about leaving him with the baby in the future in any way? I don’t want to overreact but I’m also a bit concerned about what happened...

OP posts:
Menmy3 · 01/03/2020 09:17

Wouldn’t leave the baby with him again. I’d be really angry he didn’t need to get drunk he could have asked you to come home when you rang x x x

letsdolunch321 · 01/03/2020 09:19

Never leave the baby with him again, tell him how you feel towards his actions.

MashedSpud · 01/03/2020 09:20

Personally, I wouldn’t trust him again. He chose to drink enough alcohol that he was slurring.

Is there anyone else who can babysit? Grandparents? Childminder?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/03/2020 09:22

If you never leave the baby with him again then you are trapped by his behaviour.

You need to talk to him properly and find out what the hell actually went on. Are you sure he isn’t a bigger drinker than you assume?

Perhaps a no drinking whilst in sole charge of the baby rule for a bit.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 01/03/2020 09:22

Never ever leave him alone with the baby. This needs to b further addressed.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 01/03/2020 09:24

I'd sit down with him and ask why it happened. I think he needs more time alone with the baby to get used to it but built up in really small stages eg half an hour here and there while you are in the garden or something.

BlueMoon1103 · 01/03/2020 09:25

I’d have a conversation with him because of the reasons @ChazsBrilliantAttitude has given. I would also find another babysitter for a bit and make it clear to him why!

BeatsV · 01/03/2020 09:26

As others have said I would definitely not leave the baby with him again. I’d want to have a calm talk with him in a couple of days about why he didn’t ring me, why he chose to drink etc.

WickedlyPetite · 01/03/2020 09:30

For someone who you say is not a big drinker this so such a bizarre thing to do.

If you never leave him with the baby again, then you really do become the sole carer - and also the one in charge of finding a suitable babysitter if you ever want to go out.

In which case, what's the point of him being there? A father who can't be left alone with his own child?

Are you sure he hasn't done this to engineer it so that you curtail your social life?

closetoptimist · 01/03/2020 09:30

Well, he's now made sure he won't be asked to share childcare...it's not babysitting when it is also HIS child. I really feel for you, OP. Whatever happens do not let this become the reason that you do not go out and have time with your friends. I'd hold back on discussing it until he's over his hangover and you are both calm. But this is familiar to me, and was the start of a cycle of control. Put yourself and your child above anything else. best of luck.

Ruby8619 · 01/03/2020 09:31

Never leaving him again with the baby is unrealistic. You might as well leave him in that case.
Obviously drinking like that while in charge of the baby is hugely irresponsible BUT he is deeply sorry and the baby is fine now.
You need a serious chat in a calm and loving manner to get to the bottom of this and make it clear it can never happen again.
I would leave it a little while before the baby is left with him and next time leave him for maybe like 4 hours instead of a day, baby steps. And don’t be afraid to check in on him every hour or so. Speak to him kindly so he understands why and doesn’t feel like you don’t trust him in a horrible way but that you care and want his relationship with the baby to be a success x x

RainbowFlowers · 01/03/2020 09:32

I wouldn't rule out leaving him with baby again. But next I feel there would have to he much more talk about it. How he feels about it after last time? How stressed in general is he? What's the back up plan if baby still cries after fed, nappy change etc? Maybe a negotiation about how long to go out for etc.

If you feel the need to bring it up again (even without thinking about a next time) I think you should, I don't think you can over communicate about something like this. You could take the approach of I'm concerned about you. Concerned that you got so stressed that you needed to drink and not contact me.

TabbyMumz · 01/03/2020 09:32

Never ever leave him with baby again. A baby has died recently through this sort of behaviour, you cannot trust him again.

fedup21 · 01/03/2020 09:33

Was he shouting to himself about how fed up he was? Or shouting to you when you came in?

Claphands · 01/03/2020 09:35

Are you sure he doesn’t drink a lot more than you know about? Does not sound right for someone who drinks normal amounts at all-what’s he like when he does drink? Happy, sad, aggressive?

Burgerandchipvan · 01/03/2020 09:36

He'd had such a tough day with his baby that he got so drunk he was slurring and couldn't look after baby properly? I'm not sure if I'd even be able to look at him tbh. Is this how he copes with stressful situations?

thickwoollytights · 01/03/2020 09:37

Never leaving him again with the baby is unrealistic. You might as well leave him in that case.

I'd be considering kicking him out.

What the fuck is the MATTER with him? How dare he treat your child in such an abusive way?

I'm honestly appalled

Winterlife · 01/03/2020 09:38

He probably was drinking to cope with a screaming baby who wouldn’t calm down. It’s an egregious lapse in judgment, and that’s what I would discuss with him.

I wouldn’t leave him with the baby again, at least until your son is much, much older.

Elbbob · 01/03/2020 09:39

You absolutely need to discuss this further.
And I would suggest he needs parenting classes or support to learn how to care for his own child.
And education to know why it is dangerous to get drunk when in sole charge of a baby.
Don't let think get brushed under the carpet.

Elbbob · 01/03/2020 09:39

Sorry don't let this get brushed under the carpet

iMoan7 · 01/03/2020 09:42

Did he have a hard day, get the baby to sleep and think great I’ll have a few drinks and relax, and then the baby kicked off again?

I mean I would never get drunk in sole charge of my kids (2 and 5) but I’ve certainly had a couple of glasses of wine when my husband is out and the kids are asleep.

TabbyMumz · 01/03/2020 09:42

Seriously social services would see this as a massive red flag. If they were to know about it and knew you let it happen again, you are at serious risk of them making interventions. He could do prison time for this.

Ruby8619 · 01/03/2020 09:42

TBH only you know your partner and that’s what it comes down to. My partner would NEVER do this but hypothetically if he did, I would be worried about him and it would be completely out of character, I wouldn’t leave him I would find a way for us to work as a family after 8 years together. People do bad things it doesn’t always mean the end or that they are evil and should be punished forever.

Sometimes on mums net the man is condemned and the relationship doomed at the drop of a hat.

And I know not looking after a baby properly is more that “the drop of a hat” but that’s why it will take time and work to fix this, it’s not black and white x

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2020 09:44

I think I’d try to understand what happened here. That’s quite shocking how he treated his child and if the police had been called due to the noise there is a risk you’d have lost the child, you out with mates, his hammered at home, baby in distress and neglected.

I’d try to understand it, but he can’t be alone with the child again until you’re both one hundred percent sure this would never happen again.

The baby could have got hurt when he was in that state, or as said, police could have got called and they’d have put the baby in emergency foster care, and social services called in.

Thesearmsofmine · 01/03/2020 09:44

I would be concerned that he drinks more than you know about tbh it just seems a weird thing for someone who isn’t much of a drinker to do.