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Original poster

How should I handle what happened last night?

176 replies

OrangesandLemons1234 · 01/03/2020 09:13

Name change for this for obvious reasons. I’m after some advice on what you would do in my situation...

My partner and I have a young DC (a good bit under one). I am the primary carer due to being on maternity leave currently. He works full time but is involved with the baby as much as he can be around it. He is very good with the baby and although found the first few months of parenthood challenging (who doesn’t) is an excellent father.

So as not to dripfeed I should also say that partner is not a big drinker. A few drinks here and there but has never had too much and no history of problems etc.

So, last night I had a day and into the evening out with friends and partner looked after the baby. This isn’t the first time he’s looked after the baby on a weekend and never any problems. I checked in a few times yesterday while out and he said all was fine.

When I got home late evening I could hear screaming/shouting. I went upstairs to find baby in the cot distressed and crying, and partner shouting/ranting (in a different room) about how fed up he was / why wouldn’t the baby shut up. As I came into the room and asked what was going on, it became clear that he was drunk. Slurring etc. He said it had been a hard day, the baby wouldn’t stop crying, he’d tried cuddles, bottle etc and was at his wits end, and admitted he’d had quite a lot to drink during the evening, one led to another etc. There was no one else in the house aside from him and baby. He was quite defensive at the time (due to being drunk) so I cared for baby and went to bed.

I feel shocked that he allowed himself to get so drunk in sole charge of the baby and also that it’s so out of character for him. I’m also a bit horrified that he had left the baby crying for clearly a long time and that he let the baby get into such a distressed state. I keep thinking what if... I hadn’t come home then, or whatever. Obviously no harm actually came and nothing like this has ever happened before, but I’m doubting what to do about it (if anything) this morning. He apologised unreservedly first thing and said he shouldn’t have got into that state, and would never do so again, so he does know it was wrong.

Would you discuss it any further with him? Would you be worried about leaving him with the baby in the future in any way? I don’t want to overreact but I’m also a bit concerned about what happened...

OP posts:
FrivolousPancake · 01/03/2020 09:45

God that behavior would scare me

Emma198 · 01/03/2020 09:45

It would make me question my whole life with him, if i actually know him. How awful. Poor baby.

Gatehouse77 · 01/03/2020 09:45

Absolutely it needs to be discussed. Openly and honestly without accusations or personal insults.

I’d want to understand why my DH would get into such a state. Especially if it was out of character.

SoleBizzz · 01/03/2020 09:45

He did this on purpose.

Nonnymum · 01/03/2020 09:47

Sorry but I wouldn't leave the baby with him again.

Original poster
OrangesandLemons1234 · 01/03/2020 09:48

Thanks everyone so much for your replies so far. Finding this very helpful. To be honest I’m just stunned this morning and a bit overwhelmed by what happened.

@TabbyMumz That’s exactly what he says happened (having spoken to him a little bit more). Stressful day, then baby went to sleep for night so he had a few drinks, obviously a few drinks too many, and then baby woke up crying and he couldn’t settle etc. Not saying that to excuse him in any way as I’m livid but it’s at least not AS worrying as like, him drinking while the baby is actually crying / inconsolable etc.

To those asking about his levels of drinking - no, honestly, I’ve been with him and lived with him for many years and have never seen him have more than one or two drinks at a time/of an evening. Which is partly why I’m so shocked too. I’m very worried about what’s going on with him.

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 01/03/2020 09:49

It’s not just the drinking/being drunk. His behaviour shows you that he can’t cope alone with the baby (the anger/shouting/choosing to drink). Could you honestly say if you had been staying out last night you trust him 100% not to handle the baby roughly or shake the baby? I wouldn’t trust him.

It’s unthinkable but babies are injured and killed regularly by people that can’t cope with caring for them. I don’t know the solution to make everything ok but until you have reason to trust him or think he can cope then don’t leave him alone with the baby.

BobbyBlueCat · 01/03/2020 09:50

"Drunk in charge of a child" is a criminal offence.

It would be horrendous enough if you'd got home and he had fallen in to a drunken sleep on the sofa to leave the baby to scream.

But what concerns me more is that whilst drunk, and with nobody there to hear him so he wasn't even venting at you, he was screaming and shouting and very angry SPECIFICALLY about the baby.
The danger signs are there. If you hadn't returned home for a couple more hours, I genuinely have concerns over what he may have done.

Saying he very rarely drinks isn't a good thing in this scenario.
It means he had even less control over his drunken anger because he does it so rarely.
It means he was pushed so close to the edge by your child that a rare drinker got very drunk.

I know all of the above sounds very dramatic.
But I do this for a living.
There are HUGE alarm bells going off here for me.

I don't think you should be a bit angry, OP. You should be fucking terrified.

thickwoollytights · 01/03/2020 09:52

honestly, I’ve been with him and lived with him for many years and have never seen him have more than one or two drinks at a time/of an evening

Well you have now. And your baby suffered because of his stupidity

Who the hell was he shouting at when you arrived home? How does shouting calm a child?

OhCaptain · 01/03/2020 09:52

How many drinks did he have?

Was he just ranting away to himself or did he shout at you?

This is horrendous behaviour. The cynic in me can’t help but think it’s a good way to make sure you don’t go out and leave him in charge again...

AriadnesFilament · 01/03/2020 09:53

I agree with everything @BobbyBlueCat said.

TwiceAsNice22 · 01/03/2020 09:53

I would text your partner about what has happened, so that that you have written acknowledgment from him. (You could say you are too upset to talk face to face atm). You may never need it, but it might be handy to have prove that he has done this in case you separate and you are worried about him having overnights.

I would not let this go. It sounds like it’s out of the norm for him which makes it even stranger. You are not overreacting to be upset by this. It was not ok. If anyone else was watching your baby and behaved the same way, you would call the police.

AriadnesFilament · 01/03/2020 09:54

I think the words “we have a serious problem. You can’t be here at the moment” would be out of my mouth before I’d even thought.

TwiceAsNice22 · 01/03/2020 09:54

*proof

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2020 09:54

I’m livid but it’s at least not AS worrying as like, him drinking while the baby is actually crying / inconsolable etc.

This is a deeply concerning statement and actually calls into question what you think is acceptable. Because yes it is as worrying. How do you not know this?

Having a couple of glasses of wine or whatever sure, but getting wankered when alone with an infant? It’s as worrying. If not more.

thickwoollytights · 01/03/2020 09:55

I absolutely agree with @BobbyBlueCat

And this

This is horrendous behaviour. The cynic in me can’t help but think it’s a good way to make sure you don’t go out and leave him in charge again...

What a tosser he is Confused

Skittlesss · 01/03/2020 09:57

How is his mental health right now?

Getting very angry like that as well as the out of character drinking could be a sign that he’s not feeling mentally that well.

I know when my depression is coming back as I start to feel very angry a lot. I don’t shout, but I do feel irrational anger. I’ve had mental health problems on and off for a number of years, so it’s a lot easier for me to pick up on the signs that I’m starting to “wobble” a bit.

PurpleFrames · 01/03/2020 09:57

I also agree with @BobbyBlueCat and I'm also in safeguarding. I don't think I've ever heard a shaken baby case professionally without these hallmarks. Please think very carefully.

Nearlyalmost50 · 01/03/2020 09:57

He can't have been screaming/shouting for ages, it's not possible, so either he started when he heard the door (on purpose so you would hear it) or he's totally out of control for long time periods.

This is so far away from acceptable, I don't know what to say. It's deeply worrying.

It was when you were out, he had no control (or did he?) and the baby is left alone to scream. Who does that? Can you ever ever imagine a situation in which you would do this? I honestly would be reconsidering him being in the house over this.

FortunesFave · 01/03/2020 09:57

I'd fucking leave HIM!

I honestly would. You can't stay with a man that you can't trust with his own child!

Clangus00 · 01/03/2020 09:58

I’d be telling him to leave.
That’s dangerous, ridiculous, pathetic, scary behaviour.

maa1992 · 01/03/2020 09:59

I wouldn't leave the baby, it's really unsettling

GreenOlivesinGin · 01/03/2020 09:59

Not leaving him ever again with the baby is not realistic and also not how you would like to be as a family. It sounds like you have a supportive partner (leaving this incident aside for a second) and so something that is definitely worth working on, as opposed to giving up. So it is important to get to the bottom of why it happened and how to reestablish trust and avoid it happening again. We always focus on post natal depression, and how difficult parenting is for the mother, and sometimes fathers are maybe overlooked. If he has been supporting you, is he maybe feeling the strain himself? Does he have sources of support? I am not for one second justifying the behaviour, it was utterly irresponsible and dangerous, but in light of everything it may not be as simple as saying he is a terrible father who can never be left with the baby again.

Original poster
OrangesandLemons1234 · 01/03/2020 09:59

@Bluntness100 Sorry, I think that’s probably my clumsy phrasing. I’m quite distressed this morning. What I mean is - as a previous poster said - I could sort of understand if he’d had a stressful day and then once the baby was asleep for the night had poured himself a beer (like, ONE). That feels different to me from if the baby started crying and THEN he poured himself a beer like at the moment he needed to give the baby attention. To be clear I think the amount he drunk makes the situation just as worrying whether the baby was asleep or not. I would never drink while in charge of my baby and I’m stunned he did. I’m feeling massively overwhelmed and feel like I’m questioning everything this morning. I can barely look at him.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 01/03/2020 10:01

I think what he did was very wrong.
But instead of the never leave him with baby again , he needs to know he is not allowed to drink if he is incharge of his child.
Otherwise your trapped as the only carer.
I remember the first time my child cried that much, nothing worked , I sat on the floor crying, but as a single mum, I just had to pull it all together.
He needs to see that he needs to do better